sometimes I get so caught up in how great things are going that I stop realizing that the subconscious thoughts i’ve had since I was fourteen are still there. they’re like second nature at this point. a little voice that’s always present and always silently guiding my decisions. I don’t even realize it anymore. I suppose that’s how addiction is for all of us.
things are going great, everything seems fine. I don’t even think twice about skipping a meal. or arriving home late so I miss dinner. or manipulating all of my schedules & plans to avoid meals with other people. it hit me tonight that I do these things. that i’m doing these things constantly. that the little voice in my head hasn’t gotten quieter, it’s just become so normal to me that I don’t even realize it’s there, and that it shouldn’t be there, and how much it is truly controlling what I do with my days.
every day I evaluate how full I am and whether or not I should be upset with myself and try harder. there’s a perfect little balance between being just satisfied and slightly hungry and that’s the mark i’m trying to constantly hit. and when I do eat sweets, or lots of carbs, or feel full, it makes me sad. it makes me want to stay up all night and try harder the next day.
i’m constantly resetting the fasting app on my phone, telling myself that now that i’m so full I won’t eat again for another 20 hours. or 36. I never hit the mark so I just update the start time. every chance i’m home alone, I go straight to the scale. tryna sneak to weigh myself, just like I used to do at the gym my last semester of school. I just find so much security in being under a hundred pounds. extra safe if i’m at ninety five.
I eat a lot more now, but i’m constantly thinking about it. and not enjoying it. every time I eat chips, i’m sad afterwards. I eat sweets, but I regret it later. in a lot of ways, i’m doing better, or it seems like I am. but the thoughts are still there. the thoughts are always there. I didn’t realize it, but they are. I haven’t verbalized these things in a while, but they are. the reason it hit me today, that these thoughts have been silently, mindlessly swaying all of my actions, is because in pilates class today, the word of the week was forgiveness. and she was like, this week, pay attention to who you are showing forgiveness to, and make sure that you are showing forgiveness toward yourself as well because we are often extra hard on ourselves. & it hit me that I too am hard on myself, everyday. if I don’t feel hungry at eleven pm. and then I thought about it more, about how I used to talk about when I had an eating disorder. & I wondered, hmm did I every actually really have a disorder? I mean don’t all girls pay attention to how they look? maybe I was being dramatic…
and then I realize that I have been literally overscheduling my days to avoid being home for food. maybe things have been worse lately, because i’ve been working out more and being hungrier & adjusting to those changes has triggered something, but all of these thoughts. they’ve always been there. i’ve just been hiding slash managing them better.
and I guess that’s all we can do with our addictions. manage them. some days are harder than others. I know for a fact that there is something wrong with me. but I also wonder if maybe, this is as good as it’s gonna get. the thoughts will always be there, affecting me. swaying my actions. I mean most people have to think about the food they are eating and make healthy choices. the truth is that food affects all of us to some degree. anyone who works out, or adheres to some sort of diet, or does any sort of beauty routine, is working to an extent to control how their body looks. we, or most of us ladies I assume, are all extremely, extremely aware of our own bodies. and I guess some of that can’t be helped. I feel the weight of how flawed this world is, now that i’ve recognized just what has actually been going on in my mind for the past year even still. it’s all incredibly sad. I just wish that I could trust myself to be healthy and beautiful without clutching so hard to what I think I can control. confidence is so closely tied to how small and lean my body is. I don’t know if feeling healthy & confident is even necessarily a bad thing though…
in the end, I think that the most important thing I can do, is to love god and others. I hope I find health someday. I think i’m getting there. the thoughts are always there yes, but maybe I act on them less now. maybe I listen to my hunger cues more.