I can imagine how David felt when he wrote psalm 51. it seems like before then, he had been living in a daze. acting out of a sort of panicked impulse. looking at a naked woman and then immediately stealing her. and then freaking out about her husband and literally putting him at the front lines of a battle so that he would definitely die. these are the sorts of things that mindless people do. and unfortunately, I can relate. I know how it feels to have a brain so foggy and filled with bad news and bad ideas that thinking clearly is impossible. every action is desperation. we shove the holy spirit’s voice into a deep tiny corner of our heart as we completely ignore it and any other concept of reason. it is hard to escape a bad lifestyle in the thick of its crutches.
I love this verse:
Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
here is the commentary for it:
the proper posture of the penitent is to crave a fresh sense of God’s presence, a deeper purification of the mortal life, and a credible witness to the unfaithful. the focus is on the inmost self, from which obedient actions flow: inward being, secret heart, clean heart, right spirit. the goal of this confession is not self-abasement but a renewal of the joy and gladness that the faithful have in God’s presence.
(I italicized my favorite parts)
david’s eyes have been opened, and he begs God to renew his heart. and it’s that simple. david impregnated a woman and killed a man. and as he asks God to wash him as white as snow, God actually does it.
it starts with the secret heart, our inmost self. the unseen. there is so much in the Bible about the seen vs the unseen. what is unseen is eternal.
as I reflect on our first year of marriage, it all went so well. but I actually do have a regret. there were many good moments; it was a good year. I just wish that I had sought the Lord’s renewal more frequently. daily. the marriage part was great. but the rolling out of bed and immediately clocking into work and consuming so many podcasts and youtube videos and ads…it has left me feeling oversaturated and also empty. I know that day by day we are being renewed, but this next year, I want to feel that. I don’t want to wake up and immediately degrade all that renewal. I don’t want to have to wait until 10pm to finally be able to think clearly. there were some times when I did really well. but as I look back overall, I feel a sense of missing out on solitude. there is so much in the Bible about Jesus going away to a desolate place. he snuck off all the time. he also worked his butt off. Jesus was the busiest and most important man ever; if he was able to make time for himself to be alone and pray, then…
I imagine that david recited this song frequently. I don’t think it was a one and done thing. that is why the psalms are written down. so that we can recite them as much as we need. and we need to often, it’s so good for us. one day at a time.
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