“don’t be afraid. from now on i’m actually gonna give you a purpose for the things that you’re passionate about”
“what god calls you to do he equips you for”
“don’t be afraid. from now on i’m actually gonna give you a purpose for the things that you’re passionate about”
“what god calls you to do he equips you for”
tonight feels different. it feels a little bit like everything is falling apart. and I can’t possibly handle any of this alone. but it’s also nights like these when I really have to fully rely on god. it is nights like these when god feeds me and puts me to bed, and then directs my next step in the morning. it is is nights like these when David wrote his most beautiful psalms. I suppose on this side of eternity, we need nights like this from time to time. to reorient us. and remind us that we are always, always being held and cared for, and that He is working all things for his good, even as as we sleep.
hello world 👋 I muse often on the timing of things, because it has always been one of the areas where I see god’s work so evidently. on that note here is a list of some of the things that have occurred in the past month. a little photo timeline if you will. ok without further ado here we go.
on september 17 we took the ferry to key west. playing cards on the boat ride. scooter-ing with hunter through the streets of this wack town. hiding in a key lime pie shop when the rain started to pour. walking back to the boat in the flooded streets. we thought it was unfortunate that we had chosen such a rainy day to go, but as it turns out, we chose the perfect day to go. because now due to the storm, the ferry has suspended service. i’m so grateful god allowed me to use the ticket I purchased two years ago before it would become impossible. literally the last weekend I would’ve been able to go, that is cray.
this was from a random run I went on with hunter that was rlly nice. sept 19
the next weekend we went to tennessee. hiking. driving through pals. talking with nana and papy. visiting davy crocket’s home. gathering buckeyes. jumping on hay bales. discovering a waterfall oasis. sharing beautiful moments. it was a perfect, most carefree trip. there is so much more beauty within my hometown than I have realized. I guess this really was the calm before the storm, lol. it was nice to share the rest of my life with h, felt very right.
and then of course, we thought H might be dying so we spend the night in the ER right after we returned to fort myers. perhaps this too was the calm before the storm. sept 27
then the hurricane event began. but I want to always remember the time cooped up in the house the two days leading up to the storm. because those two days were very unique. a little overwhelming and emotional and strange and tense. but also significant.
(the storm happened, we know this. too much to dive into.)
then in a turn of events we traveled to georgia for gabby’s bachelorette. fun, emotional, humorous, beautiful, good 🙂
pleasant memory ❤
many continual house things.
post storm beauty. this is the definition of the word ‘sublime’
returned to work, difficult to focus at first. sleep + health deteriorating. still a work in progress. doing much better tho. surrounded by loved ones. certainly want more time to pray + meditate.
we went to lakeland. oct 13-16. always pleasant & good. we did a whole lot. almost got a cat.
(pause) ahhh I love memories : )
an evening w h and his mechanic paper. this was actually just supposed to be a photo of the sunset.
karaoke night, with the nineteen year olds i’ve gone hiking with more than once
a pleasant night with my three favorite people, plus two other boys.
and that brings us to today. this morning, we sat in the truck for one last time and paid our respects to something worth taking a moment to remember and be grateful for. then we painted our pets. and now i’m sitting here on the couch, I just bought some cannolis from dhop because I feel like I should allow myself to do that once a month. the sun is about to set. life looks much different than it did a year ago but I am so incredibly grateful for it. I am so glad that god conducts my life, because reality is truly better than any grand dream i’ve ever had. in spite of the storm.
“am I going to be okay?”
i’m sitting here in the er waiting room after a few hours of sitting snuggled next to hunter. they finally took him back and he finally talked to the doctor. his lung x-ray was clear. now he’s getting some bloodwork and an ekg to check his heart, and then some more bloodwork in two hours. it’s been a long night. it’s been a long day actually. it started out with a pleasant morning at a coffee shop in jc and a 9:30am lunch, and then a long airport trek back to fort myers. and now it’s 12:45 am and here I sit, covered in a face mask and a hospital blanket, staring at the ceiling mostly (it feels weird when I close my eyes), and getting excited every time hunter texts me. apparently there’s a hurricane on its way to eradicate the state of florida. that seems like a problem for tomorrow, or maybe wednesday. sitting here is making me think back to all of the other times i’ve visited a hospital. when we took dad to the emergency room in texas because of his terrible heart burn after getting an endoscope. when we stood outside where I am right now and waited for kenzie to be released after her wreck. when I took anne to her breast cancer check up. always lots of waiting, and uncertainty, and a little fear. I was just remembering the time I fell and hit my head when I was five, and how odd it must have felt when my dad saw all the blood running down my face. I remember him picking me up and taking me back to the house. I didn’t know why at first. then I noticed that I was getting blood on his shirt, and I remember apologizing for it. i’m sure he said something along the lines of ‘it’s okay sweetheart’. I wasn’t really scared. he tells this story in sermons a lot. apparently I looked up at him and asked, ‘daddy, am I going to be okay?”
when I thought about that just now, it made me cry. picturing a five year old little girl looking up at me and asking if she is going to be okay, oh man. in hindsight I think I wasn’t scared because I never once looked in a mirror. I never totally knew what was going on lol. it’s so much harder when you’re the one who has to decide what to do in an emergency, and when to even decide if something is an emergency. I hope I always remember being curled up next to hunter under that thin hospital blanket, looking out from our corner of the waiting room at all of the hurt people around us, and then leaning against each other as we tried to sleep. just the two of us. there was something precious about that moment. like when I was five and my big eyes stared up at my dad who was holding me. something precious about being young and uncertain and even alone. worried before god, looking up and asking the father if we are okay. and when I think about all of this, I feel joy even here.
“That’s the really great thing about learning it really is like a snowball effect. the more knowledge you have, the easier it is to learn more things. so it really is a spiral upwards”
“answering easy questions is not simple”
“that’s what will happen if you analyze and repeat something over and over, and you need that commitment to do that stuff for three/four years without any returns or recognition”
“golden clouds exist”
As I sit here on my bed at 6am in my pajamas and this giant cozy robe kenzie just gifted me (I feel like i’m wearing a cloud but I can’t say I love the image of me wandering around my house in a giant robe like batman or something), I am having many thoughts.
that is it for now. i’m so glad fall & winter r coming. I want the theme to be comfort, joy…& maybe robes?
ps; this song is actually amazing
I was at panera the other day and a few feet in front of me this table of women holding babies was doing a bible study. at the end they shared their prayer requests. one woman said that her kid went into anaphylactic shock at a football game and they think he has a nut allergy but they don’t know how severe it is because the allergist won’t see him until he is one-year old, so to pray for that. almost every woman asked to pray for rest. it made me think about how sacrificial being a parent really is. you’re not tired because you’re busy with hobbies and fun social outings, you’re tired because you’re constantly trying to keep a kid alive. it seems hard but apparently just because something is hard doesn’t mean that it is bad. some of the best things in this life are hard. it’s almost as if we were made to take care of people, and to work hard. and doing these things makes us appreciate rest even more. all of the chaos that comes from loving others is actually the most fun and exciting part of life. it comes with sacrifices, but the more you live the more it becomes so undoubtedly obvious that the sacrifices are worth it. well I guess that’s all.
I think that maybe sometimes god guides us to do things simply for the sake that they will make for good stories. so that people’s eyes will get wide and their faces will look amused when we explain to them what happened. sometimes the mess is worth the experience, and I think that god understands that much more than we do usually.
some scrambled thoughts from a brain that has not sorted itself out in a while.
i’m having trouble knowing where to begin. I don’t know how to sum up what life has been like recently. I didn’t think a quarter life crisis was a real thing, but maybe it is? it’s such a privilege to be able to even have one of those – to have the time to think, to doubt, to consider your own livelihood. it’s like when peter was walking on water and then took the time to overthink what he was doing, to get scared and to doubt – it wasn’t necessary at all. in fact it sort of hindered everything. it’s hardly ever beneficial to repeatedly reconsider ever step god leads you in. it’s honestly the worst.
I don’t know what this weird phase is. this phase of wondering about graphic design, about art, about where I am going, about what I am good at, what I should focus on. it seems that every little fad or passion or interest that I thought defined me doesn’t actually matter like I thought I did. like, maybe I love art and maybe I actually don’t. maybe sometimes I will and sometimes I won’t. apparently that does not have anything to do with my identity. apparently all that matters is that I am a child of the lord, and that’s all I have to be. maybe I really won’t ever be a master at anything, but maybe I don’t have to be. like, that’s not actually a requirement.
moses was slow of speech. timothy was timid. gideon doubted. matthew’s job sucked. but god forced them all out of their comfort zones. and he used them to be a part of something bigger than themselves. there is something so important in being personally incapable of the task god has given u.
so I guess it’s okay to be confused. it’s okay to not be the best and to not know anything. it’s ok to be quiet at first. it seems like god just sort of equips u with the experience and qualities u need and he just works it all out.
it’s been an interesting time. I guess i’ve been growing or whatever. it feels weird. idk how else to put it. like i’m still orienting myself. sometimes I get scared about things, sometimes I have extremely mixed emotions about things. but I think that i’m like…slowly…like becoming wiser. sometimes it’s hard to know when to be patient and when to act fast. but maybe I am the one making it hard. I don’t really know if any of this makes sense at all. I want to start writing on here more so badly. I feel a bit like a squirrel who hasn’t stopped to just sort of pause and collect his thoughts in a while. I don’t know why I said a squirrel. I think i’m going to start recording sweet little moments I have on here. because i’ve had so many lately, and I want to be grateful for them always. I love to write. I mean this post sucks but in general I love to write. also, I think lately I have forgotten that my purpose in life doesn’t have to be directly related to my job. I want to circle back to post grad meg that god spoke to so clearly. safe haven. 🙂 also, I am learning that it rlly is tru that christ makes u whole. like, it takes time. like basically a lifetime. but it gets better and better. healing rlly is plausible. it’s amazing. 🙂 I have also been thinking about the concept of sacrifice lately, like I haven’t realized that I’ve been thinking about it, because I haven’t used that word, but I am. I think that the fullness of life rlly begins once u kinda surrender all of ur own expectations & possessions. and embrace the ppl and circumstances that god has placed in front of u. even if it is outside ur comfort zone.
ok. I have a lot more to sort out in my head & spirit but ima go journal about it later bc my brain sleepy.
I miss this space. I haven’t written much on here of late. it feels weird bc h has the link to it now lolllllza. but this is my happy place I want to write on here more. tonight I’ve been reading old posts from around a yr ago, when I was still figuring out living alone and writing a whole lot because I…had the time? lol. a year ago was such a good time. right now is a good time too. super different but so good. 🙂 🙂
it’s crazy how much can change in a yr. I like how much this blog changes w the times. last yr I was writing a lot of sappy things. this yr i’ve written a lot more bulleted lists. last yr at this time I was making soooo many journals for my first craft fair. that was fun. well, I also hated it. it was fun tho. and I had just gotten my little bby Assie. awwwwwww. that was back when I still thought it was funny to call her Ass. I went through that period where I listened to the song Brandy on repeat for quite a while. I also started my first collaborative playlist that was epic. it was a good time at work, too. e and I got rlly close. the fruits of the holy spirit were prevalent. this was also around the time I started seeing a counselor. bc as great as things were I was also not healthy in some ways. ladjflakdjflkdjf. But in hindsight I will always be nostalgic. Ephesians 11 from the MSG version was like my favorite chapter at the time. I was also prettyyyyyy lonely at times.
And now, here are some thoughts and quotes from loved ones from the recent times.
the end. chaoooooooo
Sometimes I stare at my exposed brick walls and look around my home-for-one and sit on my giant bed alone and think, “I’ve made it. I’ve arrived. I have everything I want.” And I feel incredibly grateful and blessed in that moment. And then I wonder, “So, what do I do with the next 60 years of my life?”
It seems that everything my 17 years of school taught me and every job and goal I’ve had for myself has lead me to this place, this career, this life of going to work and eating what I want and maintaining my appearance and dabbling in all of my hobbies. I am blessed that God has given me everything I have ever wanted at such a young age. I’m enjoying myself so much. But I’m also able to see now that maybe there is even more to life.
When you spend six months decorating a home that only you get to enjoy, it starts to feel a little pointless. When you spend hundreds of dollars on a cat who barely loves you back, it starts to feel a little vain. King Solomon back in 900 BC had every physical thing he could ever want, and he felt a similar way. Meaningless, he called it. Every single thing under the sun was meaningless.
He concluded this:
“I perceived that there is nothing better for [mankind] than to be joyful and do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God’s gift to man.”
You can be such a well-developed human being on your own. But if you don’t have love in your life, you will never reach your full potential. How could you? Love sharpens; it heals all wounds; it elicits selflessness, and it evokes all sorts of innate gifts you didn’t realize you had. You think you know who you are, and then you realize that you could be so much more, if you just let go of all of your own ideas and embrace what God has for you.
There’s a particular idea that marriage and commitment and being in some sort of domestic role is inhibiting, boring, for the almost-dead, to be avoided for as long as possible. But I see now that if my mom hadn’t chosen my dad and moved across the country with him three times, she never would have reached so many people. Sure I’m pretty good at living alone, but maybe I’m not supposed to. Perhaps being in love has made me the most empowered I have ever been.
every good and perfect gift is from above. coming down from the father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
god is the father of the sun. he is constant light. and every good gift he gives us is truly good, and only meant to be embraced by us. he has no ulterior motives, and he won’t let you ruin it.
the minute peter started doubting he started sinking. he made it so much harder for himself, because he doubted the good thing before him.
i’m having trouble developing complete paragraphs right now. but my point is this: keep walking.
: ) Ahhhh god is so good
it’s your own feelings about life that you put on paper
and other notes.
something I have learned recently is that living chaotically and undisciplined will end up harming the people around you. even if you think you have great intentions. it seems that neglecting your own spiritual health and sanity will always result in you making a mess. it makes you susceptible to so many things…apathy, pleasure, vanity, negligence. horrible spending habits. awkward interactions. ad libing the gospel message to a group of children. clinginess. overthinking. codependency. guilt. you know, it’s really terrible.
it’s terrible how quickly us humans are able to ruin a good thing. and by humans, of course of mean myself. I have been so blessed in my life. I owe it all to the Lord and of course I know that. but do I steward the good things he has given me well? not always. and honestly, that’s probably the only thing God wants of me—to steward his gifts. if I do that, if I just tend to the things God has given me with love and kindness, then of course, everything will go according to his will. that is my only part. to treat every blessing with love and kindness and patience. and to do that, ironically, I must first admit to myself that all of those things are not mine to begin with. I must release them. not try to control them. only care for them. if that makes any sense.
Lose yourself for my sake. Herin lies the paradox of the road less traveled. We finally find ourselves when we lose ourselves for Jesus’ sake. And how do we lose our lives for him? By investing all that we are and have for him and his gospel. By saying to him, “Here is my home, my checkbook, my talents and gifts, my brain, my heart, my hands, my feet, my mouth. Here—it’s all yours. Use it all to glorify yourself and further your purpose on earth.I wish I knew where this was from but it’s just on a random post it note that I didn’t cite
: ) I remember going into work 2 yrs ago w no idea what I was doing in life & in the literal day to day job lol. I never expected working at this particular place to leave such an impact on my life but here we are. just gotta ride the waves. all works out for his good somehow. it’s so amazing in hindsight. mkay. chao.
something I noticed back when I used to trail bike a lot more was that usually on the day when biking seemed way harder than normal and I was getting super frustrated, what was rlly happening wasn’t that I was getting worse—I was actually getting better and simply realizing my own limitations that I hadn’t been skilled enough to be aware of before. and always, the very next time I went back, I would do really well. those hard days always meant that I was on the brink of a major improvement—that I was growing, even if it felt like the opposite in the moment.
I think i’ve been going through a similar phase in life of late. for the past few months i’ve felt like I haven’t been growing much—like things have been unnecessarily rough & i’ve been doing everything wrong. but tonight I was going through the journal I started about five months ago, and there are so many good things in there. I really have learned so much during this time. and even though the lessons are harder, and i’ve made mistakes and gotten frustrated and worried a lot, I truly have become a more mature & more honest person. and if this is anything like biking, the fruits of this labor will become apparent around the corner.
in these moments of discouragement and jaded-ness, the Lord is often teaching you more than you know. and he is certainly pleased with you. he never forsakes you, even now. trust that he is refining you for whatever is ahead. that is all.
it’s 12 am. I didn’t get everything done that I wanted to. but i’m so sleepy. but i’m also so happy. and grateful. so many good moments of the past two years. I am in awe
life has been very good. but a little oversaturated. and way too much worrying & not enough chill happy prayer trust God meditating on His word & words day & night. I have learned much about myself of late. many good lessons about being mature and interacting with others etc. there are parts about myself that I miss tho. I miss making things. I miss writing down quotes and verses and words and every single thought I have on post it notes. I miss being spiritually stable enough to be able to express precisely what I am learning in life at a given moment. I don’t meditate enough. or just think about what it is that I’m thinking, who God is, the meaning of life, the greater good, etcetera. these things are a lot but they make me my best self.
I don’t want to make a list of all the things I feel like I should be doing. because I know that has to be unhealthy or something. God doesn’t think in terms of ‘shoulds’ and ‘measuring up.’ Or at least not in the way I do. He has made it so we live life in seasons. I can’t focus on all the things i’m not doing right now, if all the things that I am doing are what i’m supposed to be doing at this time, if that makes sense. it doesn’t probably.
but lately I *have* been thinking about all the things I feel like I should be doing. or all the things I feel like i’m doing wrong. i’m not disciplined enough, I should have more savings, sleep more, be tidier, serve more, talk to my mom more, reach out to the ppl around me, make more things…
most of these things would be good things to be doing. I think that my problem is that i’m out here tryna do them all in my own strength. but I have to rely on God. I have to come to Him first. everything else would fall into place so much better. why do I forget this so easily. I can’t keep trying so hard to be disciplined. self control is a fruit of the spirit, not the result of my quote-working harder. everything would fall into place. if I only sought Jesus before everything first.
well. this is a relief. it’s an epiphany that i’m grateful God is allowing me to have at this time. thank you Lord for your constant-ness. thank you for the blessings You have given me. I pray that you would enable me to share them with others, in whatever way You have intended. I love you. amen.
Sharing all of the things I used to do alone and all of the places I used to go alone with another person feels so strange at first. I have this weird fear that if I share these things, that person won’t fully appreciate them, or I will lose my special possession of them. It’s so scary, to be vulnerable. and open. To tell someone about your favorite moments, your insecurities, the places you go to feel safe, even the things you are passionate about. The random epiphanies you have at work. The things that God is teaching you. It all feels so difficult to share. or at least sometimes it does.
I think the reason behind all of this is a fear that I have of losing myself. Of losing part of my life for the sake of another person. In a country where individualism is worshipped and everyone’s out here going on journeys to ‘find themselves,’ losing oneself seems like the ultimate offense to my identity. But then I think about what Jesus said…
Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.Matthew 10:39 niv
Love starts with God. And it seems that in order to fully love God, I have to give up my own life—to consider myself dead.
I think that in our culture people get easily scared about becoming too invested in a relationship and stunting their own growth as an individual, but in a relationship that is christ centered and healthy, it seems that true love actually does require some sacrifice. A literal ‘giving up’ of one’s life.
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.John 15:13
^it seems that being able to share these things with another person (or people) is actually the greatest blessing of all. wow. that’s v beautiful.
“People don’t know anything about you until you tell them.”
“I doubted if I would ever find my road, I didn’t know if I would ever find what I wanted to do or what I was even good at, but it just ended up not being so important.”
“All you can do is do your very best at the moment.”
“Maybe, I began to think, I was just an average person. It made sense—it wouldn’t be a term unless many of us are. And it’s funny because it was only by accepting that possibility that I found my path. I stopped trying to be the best; it was liberating. Because the journey became about doing what I could with what I had.”
sometimes the worst case scenario isn’t actually bad. it’s just a change of course.
don’t be so set in ur ways that you can’t accept change I guess. when the time comes that I have to give up my black cat & exposed brick apt I hope I do it willingly. the things in life are very ebb & flowy. catch & release. nothing truly belongs to me. it’s all a gift : )
when u have no expectations everything is a pleasant surprise.
receive & release. live life in seasons. yada yada
“by no means has this surmised everything that has occurred…”
christmas is coming. life is good. I know that it is so good. i’ve also witnessed a lot of anxiety around me. fear, exhaustion, loneliness, confusion. a lot of it is among people who seem perfectly fine. evil and angst seem to creep up in even the sweet times. in the times of great blessings. we live in such a broken place.
I think that’s where i’m at right now. that juxtaposition between such a great blessed happy time and the chaotic self destructive panicked uncertainty. just floating here in the middle of it all.
i’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we are all prone to self sabotage or destruction to a degree. it’s hard to give up those little security blankets that make u feel safe or in control but are actually killing you.
my cat has fleas.
Just as you’ll never understand the mystery of life forming in a pregnant woman, so you’ll never understand the mystery at work in all that god does. go to work in the morning and stick to it until evening without watching the clock. You never know from moment to moment how your work will turn out in the end.Eccl 11, msg
We are going to be fine.
life becomes much more tolerable when you accept the fact that the supernatural world creator has your best interest in mind. live carefree before god; he is most careful with you.
that whole concept of having a life purpose or whatever, it’s so great but it’s such a privilege to be able to consider. it’s just so easily equated with some sort of greatness, or achievement, or humanitarian salvation. end world hunger. conserve the planet. help people you can’t relate to. etcetera. I think i’m just overwhelmed by all of the young people around me at the moment, who have these life plans or aspirations for their careers and their lives and what have you. or maybe they don’t, but they’re putting all of this pressure on themselves to figure out their calling, find their sweet spot. etcetera. and I get it. I guess I was doing the same thing a year ago. I had all of these expectations of how I thought my life should be going. and I guess it did take a year to get over. i’m so much more at peace now, about life. about the fact that really, all I have to do at the moment is enjoy it. hard times will come when it’s time. there is no reason for me to pressure myself into some sort of work-related ladder climbing grind. the lord will make the waves, I just have to ride them.
I get that the daily grind is hard, and some people have it really hard. that feeling of unsettled dissatisfaction, it needs to be addressed. i’m talking more about the weird pressure young people suddenly have to quote-do something with their lives. like what does that even mean. yes, meaning and purpose exist. and yes, we should live with intention. but all that we have, all that most of us usually ever have, is a lamp for our feet—directly below us. we cannot see what is ahead. maybe sometimes we get glimpses. but the clear obvious journey to be taken only comes in hindsight.
work is strange. it takes up so much of our time. only to fund the rest of our life. it takes up most of the daylight. it makes us sedentary. it hurts our eyes. I do not know why we all find ourselves here. at this place and time. I suppose it’s part of the curse, the fact that these jobs we’ve evolved to have actually harm our bodies.
writing things on here lately has felt weird. i’m not completely sure why. I think there are just a lot of vulnerable things at the moment. and I don’t know what is going on exactly myself, so I can’t rlly write about it. but here is a list of some of the major highlights that have happened in the past month.
b + k came to visit. we went deep sea fishing, which was so fun. k said my life seemed adventurous. she caught a lot of fish
e became a christian. she met my whole family. and some of my best friends. she shares worship songs w me now. she’s going to get baptized. we’ve had some great conversations. wow actually. I can’t’ believe that less than a month ago I was sitting at uhmaze bowls listening to this lady’s story. what a blessed life.
I bought some stools off facebook marketplace. oh crap i’m only just remembering them just now. I have to re-cover them. and sand the bottoms. ugh.
I went to new york with n. it was so cool. feels like a lifetime ago. ugh truly. so many lovely things. so much art. lots of skylines. lots of thinking about home too, tbh. new york is amazing, and it’s where every designer expects to inevitably be. but I don’t know if I could see myself there anymore. everyone is there. everything seems exhausting. I don’t know.
And then I came home for a day. I feel like I need to include this day. because it was a pleasant day. lots of resting. lots of soul feeding. v pleasant. work free. stress free. anyway…
then…I went to New Mexico with s. oh man. I was tired. but it was so good. very beautiful. santa fe was exactly what I was expecting. I could see myself living there. but i’m rlly good if I actually don’t.
then I came home. it’s been good to be back. i’ve been running around quite a bit since, though. lots of going on runs, lots of being around friends. lots of bonding, eating meals with ppl. yada yada. i’m starting to realize why I keep exaggerating life like the world is ending. i’m so tired. geez. I just need like 3 days of sleep and reflection.
I think that sometimes I get caught up in this little insecure whirlwind of chaos and self destruction. but just thinking back on the past month, it’s v evident at the moment that everything happens for a reason, I have to accept life on life’s terms. surrender.
I am so grateful for this life. i’ve been freaking out a bit lately. but writing down all of these things, I see that life is still good. god is good. there is so much at work. so much. despite all of my flaws, so much is at work. i’m so grateful. what a sweet life. before I left for my trips, r and I talked about how i’ve been v blessed of late and for most of my life, and how ppl like that have a responsibility of sorts to share those blessings. ‘don’t run,’ she said. you can’t run. you have too much to offer. ugh. sometimes the lies just rlly come at me especially of late. but yes no more running. thank you god.
god is good.
I like my messy apt more than when I was scrambling to keep it clean all the time.
so many blessings. my cup overflows. we r going to be fine 🙂
lots of holy spirit things or lessons or whatever have been on the mind this week.
Be generous: Invest in acts of charity.
Charity yields high returns.
Don’t hoard your goods; spread them around.
Be a blessing to others. This could be your last night.
When the clouds are full of water, it rains.
When the wind blows down a tree, it lies where it falls.
Don’t sit there watching the wind. Do your own work.
Don’t stare at the clouds. Get on with your life.
Just as you’ll never understand
the mystery of life forming in a pregnant woman,
So you’ll never understand the mystery at work in all that God does.
Go to work in the morning
and stick to it until evening without watching the clock.
You never know from moment to moment
how your work will turn out in the end.
Oh, how sweet the light of day,
And how wonderful to live in the sunshine!
Even if you live a long time, don’t take a single day for granted.
Take delight in each light-filled hour,
Remembering that there will also be many dark days
And that most of what comes your way is smoke.
You who are young, make the most of your youth.
Relish your youthful vigor.
Follow the impulses of your heart.
If something looks good to you, pursue it.
But know also that not just anything goes;
You have to answer to God for every last bit of it.
Live footloose and fancy-free—You won’t be young forever.
Youth lasts about as long as smoke.
I have heard that god loves me for ever and ever, and some times I have understood it and other times I haven’t regarded it much. but occasionally the veil is lifted and it makes sense that he loves me, the words have meaning again. no matter how many times I mess up or go into addict impulse mode, he still loves me. he even protects me to an extent.
today a girl in group said that god can make u a new person at any time of your life, and that sometimes he works in seasons. changing who you are is a part of life, and god changes people all the time, even beyond making them born again. perhaps none of us know who we truly are, and that is why it is necessary to get rid of all those preconceived identities and just see who god is shaping you into. one time my graphic design rabbi said to me, “if I got everything I wanted, my life would be shit.” I have to agree with him. I could never have woefully dreamed of a life such as this, but it is significantly better than anything I have ever woefully dreamed for. I don’t know where all of this is headed, but I will remember this gentle time. I hope it shapes me into someone strong enough for whatever is next. that is all for now I think. goodbye.
I haven’t watched blimey cow in a minute but I found this so encouraging…
“you know how actually find yourself? you test yourself. you challenge yourself, and in a lot of ways you sacrifice yourself.”
“your twenties is not all about wanting to ride your bike across the entire united states”
“make the most of whatever position you find yourself in”
“focus your twenties on becoming the most attractive person you know”
the grind is exhausting. the internet is exhausting. staying healthy. managing money. working a nine to five. cleaning your house. maintaining your appearance. being regularly social. purging your possessions. personal development. being nice to your coworkers. being civil. growing professionally. developing skills. taking trips. doing all the things u feel like u r supposed to be doing. I don’t understand how ppl balance it all. maybe that’s why there r so many undeveloped young ppl these days. no one knows how to manage growing up. i’ve been reading about e girls and boys. it’s a recent subculture popularized by tiktok. i’m in dismay. these kids r basically attractive 20yr olds who dress like sexualized school children and smolder in front of a camera in their bedroom. i’m in dismay because i’m trying to picture these e boys getting married and becoming men and providing for their families and working full time jobs and contributing to humanity n creating some sort of respectable legacy, and I can’t picture it. like, who r these man children going to become in ten years? where is our society headed? dismay. dismay at the immature state of the world. and by immature, I mean incapable of doing difficult things—of committing to things that exceed our own ego—of sacrifice. we are a society incapable of sacrifice. and without sacrifice, our growth—our maturation—will forever be stunted. in order to grow up, you have to sacrifice some things. you have to make choices about what matters to u. when did it become cool to be an underachieving fuck boy. why is it so cool to not care. where r all the gen z kids who r grinding to pursue their dreams. they’re not on tiktok I guess. maybe that’s the issue—the internet has just become a hub for all of the idiots of our generation. while the rest of us r out here figuring out how to grow up. it’s not easy, to be sure. the growing pains r ruff. the slip ups & frustrations r pretty prevalent especially at first. but every month it gets easier. rlly. every month is some new theme. this month the theme is financial conservation…breaking coffee addictions, not buying more tanning mousse, eating cheap healthy food instead of bougie healthy food, purging your closet. minimalism in a very I-am-not-a-minimalist sense of the word. discerning what enhances your life from what is adding unnecessary crap to your life. applying the same mindset to relationships—figuring out how to develop the ones that matter and value yourself enough to drop the ones that will always suck. yes the grind can feel exhausting and hard to figure out. but usually when u r frustrated it means that u r going thru some character building shit. so just trust that despite the mishaps you’re overall improving. maybe slowly. but it’s a positive slope. a positive average slope. is that how u say that in graph terms? it’s been so long I can’t remember. y equals m x plus b. I think. anyway, even though I currently feel like an idiot, I can see that a year ago, I was a worse idiot. life refines you over time. changing as a person is inevitable and good. I like who i’ve become so far. i’m excited about who i’m becoming.
I don’t know what all those e boys will be doing in a quarter century, but I hope i’m in the desert or the beach somewhere with long grey hair and a little shop or studio and many friends—or at least acquaintances who adore me. maybe I have a lover or maybe i’m just rlly strong & independent with an old black cat named ass. I think either way will be okay. anyway, whenever i’m down or lost or mad that I ate ice cream or in grief over my tanning mousse, this vision is what I have to remember. this is what i’m working towards. that holy legacy that supersedes my own demise. that has everything and nothing to do with me. my small part in a very grand universal resolution.
lots of incredible sunsets this week. and some good runs. I remember a little over a year ago, how much going on runs impacted me—I would go every evening, it was my little coping mechanism, how I cleared my head and listened to god and was reminded of the sky & sunsets and yada. so many good memories along the palm tree road on mcgregor. & now to go back there feels like i’m returning to something so pleasant and nostalgic. & it’s weird bc i’ve never rlly felt that way about a place before. I know we lived in ga for like 8 yrs, but there was no happy place like that. little haven that just felt like home. I mean sims lake was fine but it doesn’t compare at all. at all.
lately I haven’t paused for a sec to reflect on life. I told myself I was going to clean everything before I went to sleep for the work wk but now I feel an urge to pause for a sec. so life lately. in summation it’s been chaotic and scattered and really really good and I am also extremely flawed. but life is so good. really. so many good ppl around. so many beautiful views. and places. and quirky traditions and spots and even though I def haven’t been pausing enough, now that I am pausing i’m realizing that it’s all amazing. like today…I spent the afternoon making art in my studio apartment, and then around 6pm I walked downstairs to the pizza place to pick up the pizzas my mom had ordered for my sister’s birthday. then I parked my car in the street in front of my window, ran back to my room, and grabbed my monstera. and I walked back down the street carrying my giant plant and hopped into my car. it’s like my life is a little tv show lol.
i’ve been running around too much lately like an instinct driven squirrel. but if I paused more I think I would be a better person rlly. and be overwhelmed by how good life is. maybe it’s some post-covid-world-reopening appreciation for everything, but I think rlly overall I just find myself in a blessed place. a little haven. i’m hoping these next few months I regain my head and am able to reflect on it all.
the only thing I sometimes find myself wishing for is someone to share all of this amazingness with. someone I can force to come with me at night and stare at the river for 30 minutes. life can be amazing, but experiences r rlly validated when u share them with another person ya know. this is something I guess i’ve learned recently.
the fam has been getting dive certified. & it’s been reminding me that the ocean exists. I feel like I forgot for a sec — that there’s a whole magical underwater world ya know. but literally acknowledging that fact makes all of life better and more hopeful. it’s like when u suddenly start reading the bible again and everything falls into place. i’m so excited about water.
I still firmly believe that life happens six months at a time. but lately i’ve found myself planning ahead more than usual. being like, i’m not going to buy that until about two months from now when I have more money. making all of these months-in-advance plans lol. but yesterday it hit me that post New Mexico, I actually have no plans or goals for my life. like all of my plans lead up to that trip and then life is an empty slate. the beginning of that trip will be exactly six months since I moved into this apartment. so I rlly do believe that it will be some sort of new chapter. but I guess we’ll see.
we go through all of these stages u know. sometimes u r being a student in school, sometimes u r actively serving others in a v apparent way, and sometimes u r just sort of coasting & enjoying yourself. these things happen in seasons. I think for a long time i’ve felt guilt for having a good life, but vicki has shown me that every good thing is a blessing to be enjoyed while it’s around. there will be plenty of time to be a martyr ahead.
I feel old lately. v grown. and very flawed.
ass keeps stepping on my keyboard so I guess that’s all for now. this post isn’t very deep, but it’s what’s on the mind of late.
“I think that God is an open minded person.”
I didn’t know much about cats before I got a cat. but now i’m realizing how much my personality is like a cat’s. it’s nice actually to know that there’s nothing wrong w me…that’s god made an entire species of animals with a personality like mine. he understands me…
ass is so moody and independent, she craves attention but only when she feels like it, sometimes she’s so affectionate, and then other times she’s rattled and just wants to hide under the couch. she drifts off in the middle of interactions. her eyes dart around and she just hops away. she’s really quiet, even when she’s doing something completely bizarre like balancing on a lamp. you hardly notice her, and then suddenly she’s hanging from the ceiling. even though she’s so nimble and nonchalant, she’s also v vulnerable. easily spooked. she’s so shy around new people, which is a shame because they don’t get to know the true her. she’s observant, mysterious, always a bit cold—even when she’s being affectionate. she’s just always doing her own thing. incredibly hard to read. her innocence somehow makes her seem wiser. and her eyes. ugh. they’re so beautiful. she’s beautiful. she’s such a gem.
sometimes u have to close doors & tie off loose ends & put all of ur eggs in 1 basket in a way. let go of all the backup plans & this-would-dos & just trust that the supernatural world creator will honor your faith. regardless of if u actually have any idea of how things will work out. in short don’t be afraid to invest in something. & let go of other things. rent a home & get a cat & commit to a gym & maybe actually don’t keep your options open. choose an option. & stick w it.
lately I feel like god has been teaching me to trust my gut. and to stop leading people & things on that I know don’t actually feel right. to let go of things & wait for the fully right things to come along. truly. something that’s good and right rlly does exist out there. u don’t have to settle ❤
the lord will fight for u. u need only to be still.
in the summer weekends feel like a completely different world from the workdays. I like it. it’s like two separate stories playing out but somehow weaving together like a tale of two cities.
meanwhile back at the office…
sometimes the dissonance does create a little tension though. realizing when you’re in one place, that you’d rather be in the other. it’s hard to believe that you were twelve hours earlier treading water in the ocean when now you’re tucked in a cubicle hitting the same five shortcut keys over & over. it makes you realize more quickly what you really love, I guess. what u actually want to be doing with your life.
today I told a group of elementary school kids about an insecure man named gideon. when the angel approached him, the angel called him a mighty warrior.
but was gideon a warrior? (no) why did the angel call him this???
because that’s how god saw him. (gasp)
god is all knowing. he sees you finished.
god sees who you are becoming.
when I think about this, all of the petty decisions I worry about seem pointless. god knows who I am far beyond those things and beyond what I know about myself. he reveals who we truly are to ourselves—slowly, when he wants, according to his timing, when he decides you are ready. what a relief and what a mysterious & romantic thought.
I remember in college thinking that my life was right next to some sort of peak, not realizing that it hadn’t even begun really. & a year and a half after college, I see now how much my life is just beginning. how little I know, how much more I have to live—& go through—how much more time I have to go on adventures & fall in love & meet the right people & discover who I am. there is plenty, plenty of time. so much already & it’s barely started.
so, in conclusion, I guess…meg, and whoever else is reading this: let things play out. trust the process. trust that the stories are in fact weaving together, according to god’s timing. trust that he knows you better than you know yourself. he has already written your history. & it will be good. & it will feel right.
settle for nothing other than what feels right. ❤ and be patient.
“we are so good at living our lives.”
“By pretending that we are ‘positive vibes all day,’ we deny the validity of a genuine human experience.”
the thing about the summer here is that in addition to being summer it is also rainy season. this means that nearly every day, the air gets very humid and the sky becomes some weird tones and it seems like everything is about to explode. and then suddenly rain breaks loose for twenty to thirty minutes while the sun keeps shining full glair. but the thing is that after it rains, everything around you becomes tinted this golden blue. and the sky looks amazing.
u see, sometimes after a sun shower, things become even more beautiful than they would have been if the storm had never happened. and even though things are eternally different now, I think that they will be very beautiful. in a unique way. in a blue-toned, unique to sw florida way.
I didn’t realize it, but I love running. letting your thoughts fly by, passing pretty views, moving your body, escaping, using the food you’ve eaten for its actual purpose. making use of your body. it’s so healing. I think that one of the reasons i’ve been a bit down of late is that I feel so cooped up at my desk & trapped in a phase of cleaning & organizing, and I haven’t been out just to run & move. but twenty minutes into my run today, everything already felt better. and clearer. and free. maybe I do rely on running to feel better about myself, but I also rely on it to feed my soul. and clear my head. and enjoy my health. and what a lucky scenic route I have. this pic was taken the moment I realized the sky looked like it was about to rain and started to turn around. I think I get a little confused with the difference between vanity and taking care of myself. i’m still figuring that one out. but today it hit me that running really does seem to heal me a little bit. it always has I guess. everyone has a set of hobbies or places that make them feel like themselves. i’ve solved a lot of probs while running. had some of my deepest cry outs to god. felt all of my feelings. it’s nice because you are physically moving in an escaping way and that sort of metaphorically happens too. ❤
lots ahead as always just a lot of change at once of late
I have so much to say. life has been saturated w a lot of things lately
I realized today that this blog is one of the only places in the world where I feel like my true self. maybe everyone feels this way, or maybe i’m bipolar or something, but I feel like in so many places i’m hard to read or putting on a persona or just being reserved or interacting w people to put up with them. I feel like sometimes, I have to put on a persona just to be a normal functioning social human. I mean I guess that kind of makes me sound like a sociopath. but I just mean that it’s really hard for me to express my inner self in an immediate moment. & I feel like part of who I am is just a person who is able to interact w different ppl in different ways. become someone else according to the environment. I mean all humans do that to an extent. anyway. it’s nice to have a place like this where I can just sort thru myself w/out worrying about any perceptions of me. even a lot of my social media presence creates this image & I don’t even know if i’m real
just very amazed at everything that has happened locally personally globally & in life over the past yr & few months. one of my coworkers once said to me ‘if I got everything I wanted, my life would be shit.’ I have to agree. my deepest brandy-like longings couldn’t have gotten me to where I’m at now. & i’m v grateful for it. grateful in an overwhelmed & slightly afraid way.
trust the process.
I was going to clean up after myself but then I realized that I didn’t have to. & that I really wanted to leave everything there exactly the way it was. ❤
I didn’t expect how much I would have to answer for myself when I got this place & how much it would get to me. all of the “wow look at you, how independent of you, how did you get a place like this, it must be expensive…”
just so many questions. and judgements. & some of it is really sweet, but I feel so many eyes on me about it. I feel like suddenly, so many more people are watching me. like, ‘look at little meg she just got an apartment downtown and she’s living alone the audacity. she’s living the dream look at her she’s so lucky.’ like, it’s just so weird. a lady at target the other day called me an independent woman. I was buying towels and she asked if I was moving so I told her, and then she asked it I would be living alone & she was like ‘wow good for you, respect, an independent woman.’ it just felt a little strange. like, I mean, I guess that’s what I am. but for some reason it feels wrong to say that.
tonight I asked dad if I was trying to grow up too fast. and he was like, no not at all. you’re just on track with where people before your generation used to be at your age. that made me feel better. I just feel like so many ppl my age are still working at coffeeshops & living with their parents & on their parents’ insurance plan & yada. & part of that is due to covid. but some of it feels so strange. to have so much coming together at this age. maybe that’s just how growing up feels at any age? it just feels like a lot of my friends don’t relate to me anymore. like somehow I soared ahead. but I guess that’s not completely true. I have friends who live with their boyfriends. I guess that’s similar. but it feels weird that i’m getting such a good place, & i’m living alone.
I guess, really I just feel too blessed. like i’m excited about life & it’s all too good. like why to I get to have it so good. & why do I feel embarrassed about it. I just feel a lot of eyes on me. especially at work. & it’s strange. it’s strange to have such a good life outside of work, & then to go back to work, & be around ppl who I am just so different from. I used to feel left out, but more & more I’m realizing that I like myself & I like doing the things that I like, & that is completely good. & half of the time, I am having so much more fun. & today I was telling dad all of this and he was like, it sounds like you are doing great. sure, ppl might be paying attention because u are different, but that is completely fine & there’s really no pressure there.
the other day k and I were talking, and I made a joke & said something like ‘he’s too cool for me. i’m not cool, i’m better than cool’ and she was like, I actually agree with that. I love that so much. not the fact that she agreed, but just the whole idea that there is something better than being cool, and it is very colorful.
I guess the reason these things bother me is because i’m not doing any of this to impress people or prove myself. i’m just doing it to enjoy myself – because I really want to do it – & so it bothers me that it’s catching so much scrutiny. hmm. I actually wonder if this is one of the first things i’ve done in a long time simply because I-me-myself-me wanted to. I couldn’t tell u the last time no ego or uncertainty or social media has swayed my decision. this just feels so right to me personally. & I don’t feel a need to announce it to anyone other than myself. I mean I do, but not to brag – more to just like to celebrate bc i’m so excited. I guess a lot of growing up is no longer needing the approval of others, because you like yourself & have learned to make decisions that your intuition wants. & somehow, those anonymous, quiet actions end up speaking the loudest.
what a nice picture of how testimonies work.
sometimes I feel weird when ppl question why i’m living alone, & I feel like there’s something wrong with me for being so okay with being alone. I crave it so much. but that’s just who I am. I need that time to gather myself, to make things, to just think & be. it’s what makes me who I am, to be honest, it makes me the version of myself that is able to get along with others so much. the inner life is vivid. & that’s what is able to shine out.
I feel like these past few months I’ve learned a lot about my personality. i’ve learned that all the quirks & things that I thought were wrong with me – they have shaped me into the creature that I am, and instead of being ashamed of any of it, or feeling like i’m not quite as good or capable as everyone else – I am completely free to just be myself and to do the things that I personally want & interact with others in my own unique way. not all people will mesh with me…but some will actually be drawn to me for my behavior. a lot will, actually. u learn all of these things with time. through all of grade school I thought so little of myself because I was quote-shy and didn’t speak much and didn’t seem to have as many friends as anyone else and I just remember feeling so much less competent than everyone else in everything. the truth is that I just didn’t know how to express myself yet. I prayed so much that god would take away my ‘shyness’ – I thought that I lacked bravery or something. I thought I was a coward and that was why I was so socially incompetent. looking back, it makes me want to cry. because little meg truly did hate herself. oh gosh. this post has taken a dark turn lol but I think i’m onto something here…
I did hate myself. I remember that now. And in high school after I moved I didn’t want anyone to know how incompetent I felt. So I thought if I looked skinny, then I would look like I had my life together. And people would not question me. This was the distinct ‘logic’ I remember thinking at the time. lol. I haven’t dug into my high school self in a while. how the heck did I get here.
anyway, that’s how the eating disorder started. yada yada yada, eventually something switched and I became a more social person. & I started to like myself more, I found a lot of passion in studying art, and I grew out of some awkwardness. & suddenly I felt like I had to make up for lost time, & I never said no to any new opportunity that came my way. I wanted to try everything and go on every adventure. & that’s pretty much the stage i’m still in now. it really is true that once you get your confidence back you revert to being your nine-year-old self. lol.
but anyway…geez that was a doozy. the point I was tryING to make is that I have since learned so much about myself. & I have learned to embrace how different I am, to allow myself the space I need, & to interact with people how I may. most people would definitely not describe me as shy anymore. some would still say I am quiet – it depends on who you ask lol. people say i’m difficult to figure out. I hope that doesn’t mean i’m bipolar. lol.
today I was thinking about where some of my classmates from college have ended up, and how I am here, and how we’re all kinda ending up with the lives that are actually right for us. or we will eventually. it’s really sweet actually, to see things work out so uniquely and fittingly for everyone. life works out. it’s cray.
it just takes time & a lot of trust so much trust.
life refines u, polishes u, strengthens u on its own. all comes in due time.me, feb 29, 2020
how do you eat a potato? one bite at a time.
i’ve been tryna figure out how to structure all the thoughts i’ve had of late. but life’s been extreme & I don’t know how to fit everything right now. so i’m just going to go thru every photo up here and talk about that day.
this was last week I think. I went on a run on monday or tuesday and was just having a fab time and took this pic along the way. that was a fun run if I remember correctly I enjoyed it a lot.
this was last sunday at the atl airport. I felt like I wouldn’t be back there for a long time and I really liked this terminal hallway so I wanted to get a pic.
this was also last sunday. before I went to the airport I hung out w my friend c. we went to a plant shop, which was fun. but it was mostly just great to catch up in person. ugh. the whole trip was great tbh. it’s just nice to have friends u have history with, ya know, and to talk to them again
this was on one of the worst days of my life. it was already a horrible day and after work I went to panera to supposedly do a horrible freelance job and stress about getting enough players to show up for our soccer game that night. it was awful. so many thoughts & worries & grieving going on. but this was the moment I remembered that u have to eat an elephant one bite at a time. so I decided to take things one bite at a time for a while.
this was actually that exact same day as I was leaving panera. there was a sunset in the street and I wanted to remember it
this was the friday before the last two images, which were from the monday after. it’s a work bathroom selfie lol. it was the day of my annual review and also the first day of the horrible awful, which wasn’t related to my annual review. many many mixed emotions
this was a few weeks ago on a friday I took off work and got my hair done and went shopping and got my dress hemmed and many many things. I was so young back then sigh
now this was actually the thursday before the friday that the horrible awful started. I was on a run and then just started speaking my prayers out loud and I looked like a crazy person but anyway, I just started praying for everyone I knew or something. and then I got to myself and was literally like, well, I don’t know what to ask for. I just felt very much like I had done everything I wanted in life already and was v grateful in that moment. I was ok with just hiding out & retiring in the ole fort for the rest of my days. and then I saw my name in the sidewalk, and I was like, wait that’s really out of the blue and I know megan is a pretty common name but still this must be a sign. so I took it as a sign that god did indeed see me out here. and it was really comforting. and then I asked god for some drama in my life. he did not disappoint. I must say
this was a few weeks ago at our second to last soccer game. that sky. always
this was at k’s wedding. it was so beautiful.
so this was actually the first apartment I saw when I sporadically decided to look at apartments. it was the week of the horrible awful but here I was with my parents and my rabbi looking at apartments. this one was a dump but something felt right about the situation too. after we looked at this place I had dinner with my parents, and it was rlly pleasant.
this was that same day after dinner at the top of a parking garage. that sunset timing sigh. I stood up there for a bit and thought about the horrible awful and the next chapter of life & how much I rlly do love the fort. and I think that was when I decided to delete social media too. sometimes a fresh start just feels nice.
life’s been a lot. I feel like I haven’t seen or spent time with local friends in a hot sec. there’s just been so much other going on. but I feel like the next chapter is about to start. & things are going to get into a groove again. it’ll be good. much ahead as always. and so many pieces i’m leaving out. but this will do for now. mkay. chao. for now
many many things. eep
2 yrs ago. look how tired I looked. those eyes. yeesh. the cray thing is that for all of college I was like that & didn’t even realize how much it was affecting me. I haven’t slept much this past wk, and i’m realizing how much of a diff it makes. I feel like this girl again. tired running around cray meg. in some ways it’d ridiculous but in a lot of way I love it. that freedom. independence. not yet a mature person. figuring things out. so free. i’m so excited for the things ahead. it rlly does take a yr to get acquainted.
❤ muy excited.
for some reason it always catches me off guard how real the water looks when i’m on the water.
today I rode in a kayak with my rabbi, which I haven’t done since like a year ago. it’s hard not to be all nostalgic and to think about where I was a year ago to where I am now. i’ve literally had a job for a year. lived in fl for a year. been a college graduate for a year.
covid has been in the us for a year too. and with it so many other crisis and tragedies. a year ago I was just coming out of my spastic graduate panicked melodramatic unemployed phase. that was such a good time looking back. I thought it was the worst and was always on the verge of panicking, but now I would give quite a lot to go back.
i remember sitting at home alone on weekdays applying for jobs like crazy. wondering what every other person i’ve ever known was up to. feeling very alone. and scared honestly. in a very clinging mood.
I remember hopping around from starbucks to starbucks and crying at parks in the middle of the day and going on runs all the time. and always thinking so incredibly deeply about things. I learned a lot during that time, really. I learned so much. and I cling-ed to all of it.
in short, I learned a lot about god. I learned that he can fix every little thing I break. I learned about redemption. and his timing. it’s typically slower than I expect or want. typically always pretty much. I learned that even when i’m not patient, I will end up having to be patient. I guess in a way I learned to trust god.
and then, the week that covid caused fl to shut down, I started my job. and my friends got kicked out of college. and other peers lost their jobs. and I was amazed and humbled and dramatically overwhelmed by all of the timing.
over the next few months I started to learn more about myself. what my habits are, what my strengths are, my weaknesses. how others perceive me. I learned I have a tendency to use people, when i’m true to myself i’m very good at making people open up to me, i’m not very good at planning things or keeping a clean room, and i’m incredibly independent. I learned what exactly about me draws others to me, that I don’t need to be deceptive about who I am or what I like, that i tend to be mysterious and hard to read which is both a flaw and one of my best qualities, and I will always be most effective in other people’s lives if i’m being my sincere and honest self. the way I live my life is what will help make others think about their own.
anyway, I thought about all of these things on my kayak journey today. and my rabbi reminded me that even though it’s been a whole year, this season will definitely actually not last forever. i’ll like go out and live my life and it won’t be so closely tied to my family’s. everything has been so easy here, getting acquainted and whatnot. what’s next I don’t know.
some day i’ll remember this time as the time I lived in this cray beach town and healed and learned so much and grew up. I feel so much older than a year ago. I mean I live with my parents again, but somehow i’m still more mature. i’m like kinder I guess. less confused. in some ways. being in college was a precious time. I see now how much I didn’t know. but it was still sweet. post grad was fun too. & the here and now, sometimes it’s wobbly, but it’s also fun. I just want to spend the next few months reaaaaaally paying attention, bonding with my mom, and learning as much as I can.
one year down and (hopefully) a long way to go. worried about the future significantly less than I usually am right now. I wrote this post two and a half years ago when I was a jr in college and thought I had ruined this boy’s first impression of me and didn’t know what job I should take or something. I was so discouraged. i’ve felt that way a lot in the 2.5 years since. but i’ve also been so incredibly amazed at how things have worked out this far. paying attn to your life makes it seem incredibly real. more real than sometimes we remember. it is always worthwhile to pay attention.
“out of the universe there’s a hundred percent. 85 percent, u know, they don’t know what’s going on. 5 percent do and wanna tell everybody and there’s ten percent to do and they don’t want the other 85 percent to know. I think he was part of that five percent. I think everyone is sent here on a mission a mission to find themselves and to find out what their purpose is and to fulfill it.
this. I need to remember this for the yr. truly. prophetic in a way. cray.
sometimes it just hits me how much has changed in the past two yrs of life. grateful for so much, but if I could go back I would. even though I was an idiot. pre covid, pre adulting, pre car problems & angst & feeling all of this pressure to be successful. pre watching your friends struggle. pre strange awk drama. pre horrible hatred & resentment & ache. pre being humbled lol. life is so gritty now. life & relationships get more and more gritty over time I guess.
one of the profs at sfca says ‘you learn in the light what you’re gonna need in the dark.’ ya we can’t go back to those easy times. but we can remember them fondly & let them carry us thru whatever grit u find yourself in ahead. take whatever moments of light you receive & allow them to create u into the person u need to be. sometimes you’ll get to spend a few yrs watching sheep & playing the harp. & sometimes you’ll be forced to face giants or maybe hide from evil kings tryna chase u down. both v character defining experiences i’d say. where am I going w this.
just treasure the nostalgia. embrace all the longing feelings. never b afraid to feel what you really really feel & let it hurt you. admit to your ache. & then cope with it. to feel is to be human. or something like that.
occasionally u have one of those moments where you realize something that you knew before & seems like obvious knowledge but it hits you all over and feels like this earth shattering truth. like when mack heard the words ‘choose grace’ and thought they were the most profound words of all time. I mean they r but anyway.
my moment was five minutes ago when I was listening to revelation song and then had a revelation. lately i’ve been reading & thinking a lot about art & spirituality and what it means to be an artist & how to know what to make yada yada. and i’ve realized that basically everything i’ve tried to create recently has been in an effort to serve my own ego or prove I can do something or impress the people watching me. i’m making things for the approval & praise of others really. I just want them to think i’m amazing. i’m making everything just to serve my own ego.
and then I was like, that’s horrible. I mean it’s an easy trap to fall into but it’s awful. so what does meg actually want? who am I? what are my actual, natural, non-influenced tendencies and intuitions? what do I want to make? slash pursue. what are even my strengths? if no one was watching, if I knew I would receive no external glory, what would I even be doing? what do I want.
but tonight my revelation was that…the reason I cannot slash don’t need to answer that question is because art/creating at its core is a form of worship. I am not making art for others, nor am I making it for myself. I am making art for God. so what does God want?
how can i worship him through the act of making? that is the question. gah what a realization tonight.
this isn’t about any self glory or ego boosting. it’s about giving God the glory. here I am tryna get ppl to idolize me, basically, which is horrible but honest ew, worship me practically, when I’m supposed to be turning everything around and worshiping god. my art shouldn’t point to myself but to the lord. the lord. oh man.
glad for this truth. hits hard. and is such a relief. even though I am now creating for the creator of the universe, somehow it takes the pressure away.
making is a form of worship. that is how i have to look at my life my career my art my relationships for the rest of my life.
it’s like what rene and I said today. everything starts with pursuing god. or nothing is more important than the pursuit of god. something like that. so true. lord I want to pursue you and worship you more. so that’s what ima try to do. lol shepherd david phase where in just chilling & writing songs.
ok. that’s it. chao
life is really hard, crisis is everywhere. & there are a million voices to listen to and it’s v exhausting. we live in a strange time here in the us of a where everybody values that boss grind hustle be productive life. but at the same time we’re supposed to practice self care & take moon dust & get the gains & whatnot. & with all of these conflicting voices marketing and telling us how to be that glorious best version of ourselves, everything turns into an overwhelming mess of insecurity & lonely self absorption/arrogance/denial.
ya work hard & be healthy & enjoy it. but there is also so much value in sacrifice. & love. & pursuing something for the rest of your life for the sake of something beyond yourself. something u may never get to fully understand. there is so much ache & hope here, & life is too short. & the stakes are high and low at the same time. I realized recently that most of my new yrs resolves were about my physical appearance/health & none were about improving my character. pft dumb irk.
so i guess in conclusion, seek truth. that absolute realness that guarantees a fulfilling life. it’s hard to cling to sometimes ya. but it always exists in the safe havens.
sometimes I get so caught up in how great things are going that I stop realizing that the subconscious thoughts i’ve had since I was fourteen are still there. they’re like second nature at this point. a little voice that’s always present and always silently guiding my decisions. I don’t even realize it anymore. I suppose that’s how addiction is for all of us.
things are going great, everything seems fine. I don’t even think twice about skipping a meal. or arriving home late so I miss dinner. or manipulating all of my schedules & plans to avoid meals with other people. it hit me tonight that I do these things. that i’m doing these things constantly. that the little voice in my head hasn’t gotten quieter, it’s just become so normal to me that I don’t even realize it’s there, and that it shouldn’t be there, and how much it is truly controlling what I do with my days.
every day I evaluate how full I am and whether or not I should be upset with myself and try harder. there’s a perfect little balance between being just satisfied and slightly hungry and that’s the mark i’m trying to constantly hit. and when I do eat sweets, or lots of carbs, or feel full, it makes me sad. it makes me want to stay up all night and try harder the next day.
i’m constantly resetting the fasting app on my phone, telling myself that now that i’m so full I won’t eat again for another 20 hours. or 36. I never hit the mark so I just update the start time. every chance i’m home alone, I go straight to the scale. tryna sneak to weigh myself, just like I used to do at the gym my last semester of school. I just find so much security in being under a hundred pounds. extra safe if i’m at ninety five.
I eat a lot more now, but i’m constantly thinking about it. and not enjoying it. every time I eat chips, i’m sad afterwards. I eat sweets, but I regret it later. in a lot of ways, i’m doing better, or it seems like I am. but the thoughts are still there. the thoughts are always there. I didn’t realize it, but they are. I haven’t verbalized these things in a while, but they are. the reason it hit me today, that these thoughts have been silently, mindlessly swaying all of my actions, is because in pilates class today, the word of the week was forgiveness. and she was like, this week, pay attention to who you are showing forgiveness to, and make sure that you are showing forgiveness toward yourself as well because we are often extra hard on ourselves. & it hit me that I too am hard on myself, everyday. if I don’t feel hungry at eleven pm. and then I thought about it more, about how I used to talk about when I had an eating disorder. & I wondered, hmm did I every actually really have a disorder? I mean don’t all girls pay attention to how they look? maybe I was being dramatic…
and then I realize that I have been literally overscheduling my days to avoid being home for food. maybe things have been worse lately, because i’ve been working out more and being hungrier & adjusting to those changes has triggered something, but all of these thoughts. they’ve always been there. i’ve just been hiding slash managing them better.
and I guess that’s all we can do with our addictions. manage them. some days are harder than others. I know for a fact that there is something wrong with me. but I also wonder if maybe, this is as good as it’s gonna get. the thoughts will always be there, affecting me. swaying my actions. I mean most people have to think about the food they are eating and make healthy choices. the truth is that food affects all of us to some degree. anyone who works out, or adheres to some sort of diet, or does any sort of beauty routine, is working to an extent to control how their body looks. we, or most of us ladies I assume, are all extremely, extremely aware of our own bodies. and I guess some of that can’t be helped. I feel the weight of how flawed this world is, now that i’ve recognized just what has actually been going on in my mind for the past year even still. it’s all incredibly sad. I just wish that I could trust myself to be healthy and beautiful without clutching so hard to what I think I can control. confidence is so closely tied to how small and lean my body is. I don’t know if feeling healthy & confident is even necessarily a bad thing though…
in the end, I think that the most important thing I can do, is to love god and others. I hope I find health someday. I think i’m getting there. the thoughts are always there yes, but maybe I act on them less now. maybe I listen to my hunger cues more.
an anomaly of a day
everything is going to be fine.
i’ve never fully explained the story of these bracelets. so here goes.
many moons ago, there was this guy who was friends w my sister. and one day she casually gave him a bracelet. and he wore it and never took it off. then they broke up. and he kept wearing it.
I don’t know why he kept wearing the bracelet, but to me the important thing here was that if mack had never given him a bracelet in the first place, she never would have discovered how much it meant to him. and he never would have had the chance to wear it. At the time I had this issue with being nice to other people. a fear of rejection or something. but this exchange made me realize that i’ll never know if they’ll wear the bracelet until I give them a bracelet.
you don’t know if they’ll wear the bracelet until you give them a bracelet.
I thought this was a completely romantic and beautiful idea, so I purchased a hundred dollars worth of bracelets. and mack and I just started giving them to people, whoever came to mind. most people were really grateful for them. several people wore them often. a few wore them all the time. it was a test of sorts. to see how much our gift meant to people.
we ran out and I ordered more. we started mailing them to people from our pasts. mack mailed one to a guy in Georgia who had been in love with her. he was struck and drove to florida to see Mack. they had a great time and now they’re good friends.
eventually we stopped caring about whether people wore the bracelets or not and just gave them out with no expectations. sometimes people don’t know what they need, or don’t know they need it yet. we were just doing our part and letting everything else play out according to itself.
what we didn’t realize was that we were just two young girls in the middle of a giant movement of love & motifs & the beauty of living in fort myers florida. apparently these bracelets have quite a following in the fort. they’re everywhere. they’re in gift shops. they’re on the arm of the kayak rental manager. they were on the skinny wrists of emma, who passed away.
After Emma’s passing, her brother wrote her a letter. he said this:
You knew that everyone came from somewhere that we don’t need to necessarily understand, but the most important thing is to listen and to love them.
so if you’ve ever received one of these bracelets from me, you are a part of something bigger than you know, and I don’t fully know about it either. but apparently life is short and there’s no time for pettiness, or for worrying about how someone will react if you extend love to them. you don’t know if they’ll wear the bracelet until you give them a bracelet, so get out there and be the person you were created to be. and don’t worry about the ramifications, because you really have no control regardless. don’t worry about understanding everything, or getting your closure. just be patient, just accept that the supernatural ruler of the earth is all-knowing, and everything is arranging perfectly in ways you might not grasp. trust the timing. live a life for others. & just like cling to truth.
I keep thinking about everything that has happened in the past year of my life. all the people I have met who have changed my life. I thought i’d wanted to move to miami and chase basketball players around. but I can’t believe how many people i’ve met this year. they’re all so great. and a lot of them showed up at riverside at 4:30 this evening. i’m just so grateful for this time, and for everything i’ve experienced. none of it would have happened this way if I had tried to run away & seek some sort of urban ego-serving greatness. so anyway. I am finally discovering contentment. so that’s great. this whole life arrangement has shaped me into a better person. god is constantly creating you. <- let him do it. he knows exactly how to make you who he wants you to be.
soli deo gloria