“The garden reconciles human art and wild nature, hard work and deep pleasure, spiritual practice and the material world. It is a magical place because it is not divided.” -Thomas Moore

i’ve been forgetting so much of what’s going on lately. I think because there’s so much going on? I love to cling to every thing that’s happening, though, usually, so it’s driving me crazy that the days have been running together so much. so i’m going to force myself to keep better track of it on here. because awareness and mindfulness and being present and whatnot.

last week:

(the wknd prior was great – we went to naples and did other things that I can’t recall but I just wanted to make note that it was really good)

on monday (2/27) I was sick, like a feverish nasty kind of sick, an I-just-want-to-sleep-the-day-away-sick. it made the work day a bit rough. and then finally, work ended, and I basically didn’t move from the spot of the couch I was on. h dropped off some food, which i’ve yet to pay him back for (hehe). and then I watched two episodes of the chosen, which were both amazing. the scene where jesus and nicodemus were talking in the candlelight. so good. and then the episode with the woman at the well. cried a bit. even though I felt so bad, I had this feeling that it would only last a day. so, I went to sleep in that same spot. lol I barely moved that day

on tuesday I woke up and sure enough, I felt so much better. i’m assuming the work day went spiffy. I still took it easy quite a bit during the day. and then h took me to this trail park he’s been loving, it was nice to go outside. I half assed some running. I just felt frail, lol. and then I went to my painting class. at first I felt miserable and wanted to leave. but then things started to turn around, and I realized I was excited about what I was making and all I had to do was keep going. I ate two chocolate cupcakes.

on wednesday, um, the work day was fine. we looked into some things to do in new mexico. I can’t remember much. I think I ran to publix after work to get some dinner. and then we went to marriage counseling, which was good. we talked all about ~communication. and then we stopped at publix and got madi some flowers and put together a thank you card for taking our pictures. and then we dropped it off at the condo.

on thursday, I almost went into the office and didn’t. but I did start working on editing our pics and making a wedding website, and that was actually quite fun. especially the editing part. no one noticed but I made the sky purple. making the pics look the way they do now was actually a process, I enjoyed it a lot. after all that, I got a s’mores shake with h and then drove to cp to pick up my dress. it was a really pleasant place to walk around at dusk/night. I also bough some shoes. and I also found out that my mom was in the hospital. then I went back to the condo to be around everyone, and I worked a bit more on wed stuff. h met me in the garage when I got back : ) and then we sat on my couch and talked for a long time : ))

on friday I worked to get everything ready for a day off on monday : ) after work I went outside and walked around the student-focused art walk. watched some enjoyable class performances. bought an açaí bowl. just wandered around. and then h picked me up and we went to a movie night. juman ji 2 is so funny oh my goodness. I believe that was all.

on saturday I woke up and went back to sleep and didn’t end up actually waking up until 12:30. so the day was very short. I went over to hunter’s for a bit to eat his chicken nuggets and curly fries, and we watched some fishing and cat vids. then I came home and shortly after iv called and we talked for a good while. and then, h and I went to see jesus revolution and it was sUCH a good movie. we both loved it and researched the movement like crazy. that’s a nice little theater. always enjoyable. but that movie though, oh my gosh it was good.

on sunday we went to second service and served w the children and it went so well. then h got lunch with z and I went to whole foods and met up w them after. then we went to buy h a suit and we walked in and found the PERFECT one. it worked out so well, thanks Lord. then we came home, and just a bit later we went to the condo, which was also a nice time in my opinion. especially at first. dinner was good too. and then we stayed for a while and did budgeting stuff.

and that leads me to right this moment. glad i’m not working tomorrow, i’ve got a full list of tasks to do instead. I think the word of the moment is compassion. explanation to follow. chao!

I do not understand how such a powerful, supernatural being could be loving. I do not understand how something so beyond our comprehension could be anything other than morally neutral.

And yet, I see evidence all around me that it is true. A happy toddler. The way a kitten melts my heart. A pink sunset. The monogamy of flamingos. The way that even sex creates some sort of spiritual bond with another human. It all points to one thing.

Spending enough time in the secular world will cause you to believe that animals came first, and love came after as some sort of evolutionary response. But the truth is that love came first, and animals came after.

My corrupt head cannot even fathom that love is the root of existence itself. Before time, there was a loving god. I do not understand that. And yet, I can tell that it is true.

time for a pictorial life update BABY

it’s been a while, so we’re going all the way back to october

we carved pumpkins with friends. and then we put them on our heads, but you’ll have to take my word for that part

naples botanical garden with mom 🙂

bass pro scavenger hunt date night. plus chickfila ofc. bass pro on a weeknight is something special. we bought our first christmas decoration : )

and here it is

family hockey outing. this was the day I sported my brand new jacket

did a bible study about the life of mr rogers and it rlly inspired me. i’ve been thinking about work again more recently as well. i’m grateful for this flexible job in a crazy time of hurricanes and wedding prepping, but i’m quite certain that it will soon be time to leave. an out-of-comfort-zone change is ahead. at some point.

a quaint sistergiving this year

(ok, i’m being way too thorough with this. there r so many good memories! i’m gonna skip ahead)

we did a weird thing to my car

this was so much fun!!

(ok I need to do some skipping ahead. thanksgiving was fantastic. we spent the first half w my fam in the condo (and did a 5k) and the second half w h’s fam. and the next day din w his mom. a rlly gr8 weekend)

(the christmas season was wonderful too. unique due to the hurricane. one of my favorite memories was hot cocoa and movies with the sisters + boys. also going to the decked out house with hunter one night. and the xmas eve service. and watching the princess switch w h one night lol. ofc I say it was great, but house reparations were also exhausting and stressful for my parents. so a mixed bag I guess you could say.)

we thought we were hilarious

house

COLD!!!!

hiking…

AHHH THE PERFECT DAY!!!!

AND SUDDENLY, EVERYTHING C-H-A-N-G-E-D.

the rest of the TN trip can only be described as football, hiking, bonfire, happy, in shock, johnson city, family, anticipation, PALS

(I think I had a birthday shortly after. what the heck did I do that day. I think i’m 25 now but that sounds wrong)

g + m’s wedding. so fun

THE VID HAS NO MERCY. now this came down at an interesting time. we were in the middle of the post-engagement shock what-the-heck now phase. and then all of a sudden I was crying to h on the phone bc I was scared and knew I needed him. sometimes God shows us that he is taking care of us by making us sick.

: )

i’m running out of energy so i’ll stop there. the past few weeks have been great as well. sometimes it’s stressful, but the weekends are great. last night I was a little discouraged bc i’d been wfh all day and also doing wedding planning stuff. and I just felt so in my head and alone by the end of the day. then I watched an episode of the chosen, and it happened to be the one about the wedding at cana. and it hit me that God loves weddings, and abstinence is something that god honors in incredible ways. jesus literally saved the party by creating more wine—he provided what they needed. and god told me that he sees me, and that it’s all going to be worth it. yes, a wedding is about two people, but it’s also a place where God performs miracles. that’s pretty incredible. what a privilege to be able to have it at a church. ok that’s all goodnight

I feel like the first time I ever wrote blog post was the moment my life actually started. obviously that’s not true. but it’s the moment I started paying attention.

I love young meg (and here, and here). I can’t believe how much different life was four years ago. I lived in georgia, with trees. it’s amazing just how much we don’t know where we are headed. makes me realize that two years from now, who knows what our lives will look like. which is scary at first, but then it’s a reminder that we were never in control to begin with.

I didn’t see the youngness in what I wrote back then, but now I do. I was discovering things that seem obvious to me now. and I overused words like ‘shizzle’ and ‘cray’ loll. I was making whatever I wanted, because that’s what my professors told me to do. graphic design had endless possibilities to me. it didn’t mean making email spam and sitting through thirty minute meetings about “process.”

I think i’m still an optimist, but life is so different now. the lessons are different, but i’m so glad i’ve grown old enough to learn them. Corrie Ten Boom wrote,

“Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives is the perfect preparation for a future that only He can see.”

i’ve quoted that on here before. i’m so glad I started this blog, so that I can go back and see the evidence of how true this quote is. in hindsight, it was all leading to something. things came full circle…and they still are, in ways I won’t be aware of for a long time.

as nice as it is to be nostalgic, I know that life is just as good now as it was back then—actually even better, because now I have lived even more. I get to take all of the memories with me. and i’m smarter lol.

and my faith has grown, even though I hadn’t realized it. the more experiences I go through with God the more I learn about him, it’s incredible actually. it’s like how marriage changes as you both age – it becomes a different kind of love. a deeper kind.

so all that to say, change is good. inevitable. maybe a little bittersweet. but also exciting. and God is always with you. he’s setting up every step. growing up is good too, because over time you are blessed with more responsibilities—like being in a relationship—and your life becomes a part of something bigger than yourself. thank you Lord for orchestrating my life.

it’s the list we’ve all been waiting for. here we go. I miss this little blog spot.

• more time outside
  ah, I miss the beaches so much. but still, the sunset still exists. I need to go see it more. and deeply bask in the beauty of the sky again
• more running
  I miss this too. it ties to being outside. and it gets the blood flowing and feels so good. and it helps me clear my head.
• i’m actually excited about going to the gym w h!
  it’s a nice thing to do together. it’s fun.
• more art fairs
  I hope I can pull this one off. I guess rather than art fairs I just want to get into making again. I wish I had a giant table for it.
• less fruitless activities
  I want to fill my time doing meaningful things that i’m supposed to be doing. I don’t know what that means exactly. I just hate being busy.
• more solitude/meditation time
  this must become a reg habit, not just something I crave but only do occasionally. I know I spend a lot of time at home during work hours but that doesn’t feel like solitude time – that feels like sucky bleh here-we-go-again time. lol.
• more being there for my sisters.
  I miss them.
• more preparing to be an art teacher
  I realized the other day that even if I don’t know if it’s time yet, I can still set myself up to be prepared for when God allows it to be time. bc he won’t allow it to happen until it’s the right time—duh. what a relief.
• cherish living alone
  excited for the future—I know it’s right but I know it will be very different. I want to soak up all the gratitude for this sweet time. it will never happen again ❤
• get hitched
  oh my gosh i’m getting married this year. what. this is so exciting. a lot is going to change, it’s a little scary but I believe I must trust God. and not worry so much again the future. take it one step at a time.
• structure the workday
  while I am still in this sucky bleh here-we-go-again time I know I gotta handle it better. I want to wake up earlier, start and finish working earlier, and make time to run after work. and I want to spend at least two or three days working somewhere that is not my blessed little apartment.
• weigh a healthy female weight for my height
  yes! health! it will be good.
• finish christmas shopping in november
  I want to make this my new thing.
• become more naturally kind to strangers and more socially competent
  I feel convicted about this. I just want to work on it even though I know it will be a process. i’ve witnessed this past year how much god really does continue to refine and shape us, and I know he can help me change.

I don’t know how to sum up 2022. I know that God was in all of it. lots of intensely good things happened (like falling in love hehe), also some intensely hard things (like the hurricane). maybe this song sums it up…

joy comes, tears fall. i’m learning there is beauty in it all—it’s not hard to find it, you just have to look.

I pray I never stop looking for the beauty in it all.

<3, meg

https://www.premierchristianity.com/home/michelle-williams-is-wrong-women-dont-have-to-embrace-abortion-to-succeed/1517.article

the amount of shallowness and twisted truths out there has broken my heart today. narcissism and vanity disguise themselves as moral superiority, justice, and a woman’s right to “choose.” but control is always an illusion. and all sin leads to death. we are broken, selfish individuals. the only way to find the meaning of life is to acknowledge that fact, and to let go of control. I have no idea what kind of trauma any celebrity has gone through, the sort of fear that michelle williams may have felt when she realized she was pregnant for the first time. i’m sure it was terrifying. but the part that breaks my heart is that she celebrates her decision after. there is no grief, no solemnity, no acknowledgement of the weight—of how horrible the situation was. only boasting of her right to be in control of her circumstances. to delete the consequences and move on. but control is always an illusion.

i’m reading old posts from around winter of 2019, when had just graduated and moved here.

I had forgotten the excitement of moving to a new place and discovering it all. even your own new house feels like an unfamiliar mansion to explore. it’s so much fun, starting afresh. and hard.

https://mpru.me/2020/04/15/4-months/

as nostalgic as I am for that time of being a fresh little college grad, i’m so glad that is not me anymore. I am so glad for everything since. I was so confused when I first moved here and had no job or plans. I had a lot of aimless dreams and prideful goals, but I could have never, never predicted what has turned out to be. it really is true that we are not in control. thank god for that, literally.

“the artist who is a christian, like any other christian, is required to be in this world, but not of it, we are to be in this world as healers, as listeners, and as servants”

“to be a witness does not consist in engaging in propaganda, nor even in stirring people up, but in being a living mystery. it means to live in such a way that one’s life would not make sense if God did not exist.”

“i’ve long stopped feeling guilty about taking being time; it’s something we all need for our spiritual health, and we often don’t take enough of it”

“or maybe, like me, you feel a great contradiction, a great tension between what you believe in the belly of your soul and what you create in your art, and for the life of you, you can not see to reconcile the two”

-madeline l’engle

the older you get, the more you realize how much the world sucks. I wish I weren’t writing that because it sounds negative, but sadly it’s true. it’s like humans can’t catch a break. people catch bad habits that hurt themselves and others; pandemics destroy communities; storms wreck the homes of fifty year olds. we have fights with the people we love most in the world. girls sit at computers in their homes for eight hours a day to make money, and it’s not their fault, they didn’t do anything wrong to get to that point, that’s just the way it is. children go hungry…

I want to know why god has left us here to deal with this horrible earth. why he hasn’t come and saved us yet. why do we have to go through all of this crap, this ache, this hard life. I prayed that he would answer this for me.

and he did. he told me that the answers lie in this giant book he left for us. in Ecclesiastes, where the wisest man in the world said that everything was indeed meaningless—all of our toils, all of our wisdom…

For in much wisdom is much vexation, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow.

commentary: Wisdom is a mixed blessing: to gain wisdom and understanding is to gain a clear view into the tragedies of life in a world marred by sin.

Eccl. 1:18

(that’s exactly how I feel!)

but then, he concluded that “there is nothing better for them that [humans] should be joyful and do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God’s gift to man.”

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end

commentary: Despite the repetitiveness of the natural world, the Preacher can see that God has made everything beautiful in its time. The problem is that God has also placed eternity (that is, a sense that life continues beyond this present existence) into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. The Preacher thus realizes that both his desire to understand all of life, as well as the limitations on his ability to do so, have been ordained by God.

Eccl. 3:1

the answers lie in Job, where a blameless and upright man lost all of his seven children, his animals, and his servants; and then woke up with sores all over his body. at one point he was so dismayed that he lamented his own birth—his own existence in this difficult world.

Why is light given to him who is in misery, and life to the bitter in soul, who long for death, but it comes not, and dig for it more than for hidden treasures.

Job 3:20-21

his friends try to explain to him why God allows suffering, but none of them are correct. and then the Lord himself speaks to Job. in a whirlwind He explains how incredible the world is, how powerful God is, how intricately and majestically He manages all things, and how much we do not understand. in short, we live in a complex amazing world that at this stage is not designed to prevent suffering. Job is out of his league in questioning God’s just-ness. God invites him to trust in His wisdom and character.

the answers lie in Psalm 22, where David feels alone and as if none of his prayers have been answered.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest.

Psalm 22:1-2

but through the whole song, David’s description of his suffering is intertwined with a song of worship.

Yet you are he who took me from the womb; you made me trust you at my mother’s breasts. On you was I cast from my birth, and from my mother’s womb you have been my God.

Psalm 22:9-10

in conclusion, the Lord answered me. He answered me far more thoroughly and quickly than I expected, and I am in awe of him and very grateful. there is so much in this giant book—answers to questions I am often too faithless to ask out loud.

in conclusion, I am not capable of understanding all of the Lord’s ways. but despite the fact that suffering exists in this world, so also exist beauty, complexity, majestic-ness. there are so many amazing elements of this life. though I may suffer at times, in this life it is best that I enjoy all of the gifts God has given us on this incredible planet. eat and drink and take pleasure in all of my toil. so, in any season, this is what I will do. I will bask in the good parts, and in the beauty of all creation.

I love you, Lord ❤

“don’t be afraid. from now on i’m actually gonna give you a purpose for the things that you’re passionate about”

“what god calls you to do he equips you for”

tonight feels different. it feels a little bit like everything is falling apart. and I can’t possibly handle any of this alone. but it’s also nights like these when I really have to fully rely on god. it is nights like these when god feeds me and puts me to bed, and then directs my next step in the morning. it is is nights like these when David wrote his most beautiful psalms. I suppose on this side of eternity, we need nights like this from time to time. to reorient us. and remind us that we are always, always being held and cared for, and that He is working all things for his good, even as as we sleep.

hello world 👋 I muse often on the timing of things, because it has always been one of the areas where I see god’s work so evidently. on that note here is a list of some of the things that have occurred in the past month. a little photo timeline if you will. ok without further ado here we go.

on september 17 we took the ferry to key west. playing cards on the boat ride. scooter-ing with hunter through the streets of this wack town. hiding in a key lime pie shop when the rain started to pour. walking back to the boat in the flooded streets. we thought it was unfortunate that we had chosen such a rainy day to go, but as it turns out, we chose the perfect day to go. because now due to the storm, the ferry has suspended service. i’m so grateful god allowed me to use the ticket I purchased two years ago before it would become impossible. literally the last weekend I would’ve been able to go, that is cray.

this was from a random run I went on with hunter that was rlly nice. sept 19

the next weekend we went to tennessee. hiking. driving through pals. talking with nana and papy. visiting davy crocket’s home. gathering buckeyes. jumping on hay bales. discovering a waterfall oasis. sharing beautiful moments. it was a perfect, most carefree trip. there is so much more beauty within my hometown than I have realized. I guess this really was the calm before the storm, lol. it was nice to share the rest of my life with h, felt very right.

and then of course, we thought H might be dying so we spend the night in the ER right after we returned to fort myers. perhaps this too was the calm before the storm. sept 27

then the hurricane event began. but I want to always remember the time cooped up in the house the two days leading up to the storm. because those two days were very unique. a little overwhelming and emotional and strange and tense. but also significant.

(the storm happened, we know this. too much to dive into.)

then in a turn of events we traveled to georgia for gabby’s bachelorette. fun, emotional, humorous, beautiful, good 🙂

pleasant memory ❤

many continual house things.

post storm beauty. this is the definition of the word ‘sublime’

returned to work, difficult to focus at first. sleep + health deteriorating. still a work in progress. doing much better tho. surrounded by loved ones. certainly want more time to pray + meditate.

we went to lakeland. oct 13-16. always pleasant & good. we did a whole lot. almost got a cat.

(pause) ahhh I love memories : )

an evening w h and his mechanic paper. this was actually just supposed to be a photo of the sunset.

karaoke night, with the nineteen year olds i’ve gone hiking with more than once

a pleasant night with my three favorite people, plus two other boys.

and that brings us to today. this morning, we sat in the truck for one last time and paid our respects to something worth taking a moment to remember and be grateful for. then we painted our pets. and now i’m sitting here on the couch, I just bought some cannolis from dhop because I feel like I should allow myself to do that once a month. the sun is about to set. life looks much different than it did a year ago but I am so incredibly grateful for it. I am so glad that god conducts my life, because reality is truly better than any grand dream i’ve ever had. in spite of the storm.

shalom ❤

“am I going to be okay?”

i’m sitting here in the er waiting room after a few hours of sitting snuggled next to hunter. they finally took him back and he finally talked to the doctor. his lung x-ray was clear. now he’s getting some bloodwork and an ekg to check his heart, and then some more bloodwork in two hours. it’s been a long night. it’s been a long day actually. it started out with a pleasant morning at a coffee shop in jc and a 9:30am lunch, and then a long airport trek back to fort myers. and now it’s 12:45 am and here I sit, covered in a face mask and a hospital blanket, staring at the ceiling mostly (it feels weird when I close my eyes), and getting excited every time hunter texts me. apparently there’s a hurricane on its way to eradicate the state of florida. that seems like a problem for tomorrow, or maybe wednesday. sitting here is making me think back to all of the other times i’ve visited a hospital. when we took dad to the emergency room in texas because of his terrible heart burn after getting an endoscope. when we stood outside where I am right now and waited for kenzie to be released after her wreck. when I took anne to her breast cancer check up. always lots of waiting, and uncertainty, and a little fear. I was just remembering the time I fell and hit my head when I was five, and how odd it must have felt when my dad saw all the blood running down my face. I remember him picking me up and taking me back to the house. I didn’t know why at first. then I noticed that I was getting blood on his shirt, and I remember apologizing for it. i’m sure he said something along the lines of ‘it’s okay sweetheart’. I wasn’t really scared. he tells this story in sermons a lot. apparently I looked up at him and asked, ‘daddy, am I going to be okay?”

when I thought about that just now, it made me cry. picturing a five year old little girl looking up at me and asking if she is going to be okay, oh man. in hindsight I think I wasn’t scared because I never once looked in a mirror. I never totally knew what was going on lol. it’s so much harder when you’re the one who has to decide what to do in an emergency, and when to even decide if something is an emergency. I hope I always remember being curled up next to hunter under that thin hospital blanket, looking out from our corner of the waiting room at all of the hurt people around us, and then leaning against each other as we tried to sleep. just the two of us. there was something precious about that moment. like when I was five and my big eyes stared up at my dad who was holding me. something precious about being young and uncertain and even alone. worried before god, looking up and asking the father if we are okay. and when I think about all of this, I feel joy even here.

“That’s the really great thing about learning it really is like a snowball effect. the more knowledge you have, the easier it is to learn more things. so it really is a spiral upwards”

“answering easy questions is not simple”

“that’s what will happen if you analyze and repeat something over and over, and you need that commitment to do that stuff for three/four years without any returns or recognition”

“golden clouds exist”

As I sit here on my bed at 6am in my pajamas and this giant cozy robe kenzie just gifted me (I feel like i’m wearing a cloud but I can’t say I love the image of me wandering around my house in a giant robe like batman or something), I am having many thoughts.

• this morning i’ve been reading my old journal/prayers from 1-2 years ago, and i’m remembering just how much I was kind of a mess. for some reason this comforts me so much, because yea I was going through many things but I also remember those times as being precious and good, and I was blessed in so many ways at that time too. it’s like even though I had issues God was like, ‘yea I know but i’m still going to take you through your life because i’m not worried about those issues specifically right now and I know where you are headed.’
• i’m also realizing how much better I am doing in some ways right now, even though I am still a work in prog. like, I feel like i’ve been v hard on myself of late and worried for loved ones and whatnot, but in this moment—in recognizing the grand scheme of life and God’s eternal guidance—I feel this sense of joy…and comfort. I guess that’s why this song pairs those two words together. perhaps they r intertwined
• also, I have realized how clearly he answered and responded to some of those prayers, just around the following corner. I was way more lonely than I remembered…
  (h, you were an answer to my prayers. if that’s not a sign that god is using you then idk what is. I am grateful for you)
• it hit me this morning how comforting wisdom can be. it’s so reassuring to have this piece of advice that you can accept and know that you can trust it because it is true. laced throughout my journals are quotes and bible verses. here are the ones I liked rn
  • “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask him for anything according to his will, he hears us.” – 1 john 5:14
    • I like this because once I cry out to God and ask him something, that means I am supposed to rest assured that he has heard me, and to have confidence that he will handle it. it takes faith but if u have faith that is what u r supposed to do
    • “the Lord will fight for you and you only have to be silent”
    • “God can work through any of us, if we have the courage to trust him and follow his plan for our lives”

that is it for now. i’m so glad fall & winter r coming. I want the theme to be comfort, joy…& maybe robes?

ps; this song is actually amazing

I was at panera the other day and a few feet in front of me this table of women holding babies was doing a bible study. at the end they shared their prayer requests. one woman said that her kid went into anaphylactic shock at a football game and they think he has a nut allergy but they don’t know how severe it is because the allergist won’t see him until he is one-year old, so to pray for that. almost every woman asked to pray for rest. it made me think about how sacrificial being a parent really is. you’re not tired because you’re busy with hobbies and fun social outings, you’re tired because you’re constantly trying to keep a kid alive. it seems hard but apparently just because something is hard doesn’t mean that it is bad. some of the best things in this life are hard. it’s almost as if we were made to take care of people, and to work hard. and doing these things makes us appreciate rest even more. all of the chaos that comes from loving others is actually the most fun and exciting part of life. it comes with sacrifices, but the more you live the more it becomes so undoubtedly obvious that the sacrifices are worth it. well I guess that’s all.

I think that maybe sometimes god guides us to do things simply for the sake that they will make for good stories. so that people’s eyes will get wide and their faces will look amused when we explain to them what happened. sometimes the mess is worth the experience, and I think that god understands that much more than we do usually.

some scrambled thoughts from a brain that has not sorted itself out in a while.

i’m having trouble knowing where to begin. I don’t know how to sum up what life has been like recently. I didn’t think a quarter life crisis was a real thing, but maybe it is? it’s such a privilege to be able to even have one of those – to have the time to think, to doubt, to consider your own livelihood. it’s like when peter was walking on water and then took the time to overthink what he was doing, to get scared and to doubt – it wasn’t necessary at all. in fact it sort of hindered everything. it’s hardly ever beneficial to repeatedly reconsider ever step god leads you in. it’s honestly the worst.

I don’t know what this weird phase is. this phase of wondering about graphic design, about art, about where I am going, about what I am good at, what I should focus on. it seems that every little fad or passion or interest that I thought defined me doesn’t actually matter like I thought I did. like, maybe I love art and maybe I actually don’t. maybe sometimes I will and sometimes I won’t. apparently that does not have anything to do with my identity. apparently all that matters is that I am a child of the lord, and that’s all I have to be. maybe I really won’t ever be a master at anything, but maybe I don’t have to be. like, that’s not actually a requirement.

moses was slow of speech. timothy was timid. gideon doubted. matthew’s job sucked. but god forced them all out of their comfort zones. and he used them to be a part of something bigger than themselves. there is something so important in being personally incapable of the task god has given u.

so I guess it’s okay to be confused. it’s okay to not be the best and to not know anything. it’s ok to be quiet at first. it seems like god just sort of equips u with the experience and qualities u need and he just works it all out.

it’s been an interesting time. I guess i’ve been growing or whatever. it feels weird. idk how else to put it. like i’m still orienting myself. sometimes I get scared about things, sometimes I have extremely mixed emotions about things. but I think that i’m like…slowly…like becoming wiser. sometimes it’s hard to know when to be patient and when to act fast. but maybe I am the one making it hard. I don’t really know if any of this makes sense at all. I want to start writing on here more so badly. I feel a bit like a squirrel who hasn’t stopped to just sort of pause and collect his thoughts in a while. I don’t know why I said a squirrel. I think i’m going to start recording sweet little moments I have on here. because i’ve had so many lately, and I want to be grateful for them always. I love to write. I mean this post sucks but in general I love to write. also, I think lately I have forgotten that my purpose in life doesn’t have to be directly related to my job. I want to circle back to post grad meg that god spoke to so clearly. safe haven. 🙂 also, I am learning that it rlly is tru that christ makes u whole. like, it takes time. like basically a lifetime. but it gets better and better. healing rlly is plausible. it’s amazing. 🙂 I have also been thinking about the concept of sacrifice lately, like I haven’t realized that I’ve been thinking about it, because I haven’t used that word, but I am. I think that the fullness of life rlly begins once u kinda surrender all of ur own expectations & possessions. and embrace the ppl and circumstances that god has placed in front of u. even if it is outside ur comfort zone.

ok. I have a lot more to sort out in my head & spirit but ima go journal about it later bc my brain sleepy.

I miss this space. I haven’t written much on here of late. it feels weird bc h has the link to it now lolllllza. but this is my happy place I want to write on here more. tonight I’ve been reading old posts from around a yr ago, when I was still figuring out living alone and writing a whole lot because I…had the time? lol. a year ago was such a good time. right now is a good time too. super different but so good. 🙂 🙂

it’s crazy how much can change in a yr. I like how much this blog changes w the times. last yr I was writing a lot of sappy things. this yr i’ve written a lot more bulleted lists. last yr at this time I was making soooo many journals for my first craft fair. that was fun. well, I also hated it. it was fun tho. and I had just gotten my little bby Assie. awwwwwww. that was back when I still thought it was funny to call her Ass. I went through that period where I listened to the song Brandy on repeat for quite a while. I also started my first collaborative playlist that was epic. it was a good time at work, too. e and I got rlly close. the fruits of the holy spirit were prevalent. this was also around the time I started seeing a counselor. bc as great as things were I was also not healthy in some ways. ladjflakdjflkdjf. But in hindsight I will always be nostalgic. Ephesians 11 from the MSG version was like my favorite chapter at the time. I was also prettyyyyyy lonely at times.

July 26 2021

August 25 2021

June 21 2021

And now, here are some thoughts and quotes from loved ones from the recent times.

• “This is awkward our dog is high” – w
• “I felt like I was on the other side of a wall” – h
• cultivate beauty
• the tape sculpture man today said to just keep making things. even if you don’t think u r good u can’t stop
• I want to start doing craft fairs again. that was fun. also I hated it. fun.
• “maybe you’re supposed to be a bum rn” – k
• been spending a lot of time with h. it seems like the key to having fun together is to like just be yourself. and bring up god a lot. who knew lol.
• sunsets r still the best part of life.
• stewardship + generosity
• “I perceive that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toils—this is god’s gift to man.”

the end. chaoooooooo

🙂

🙂

• “you don’t have the right to be comfortable when so many people are hurting”
• “god loves to make you and i face what we fear”
• “Relax because your baby has no idea that you don’t know what you’re doing”
• there has to be something more to life
• loving you and i into wholeness – he still loves you, and he’s loving you into that place of who you really are
• God wants to speak to us more than we want to hear to him
• fear vs god: fear always comes with confusion; god’s leading gives you a pathway
• i wish i wouldve loved my husband more fearlessly in the beginning

Sometimes I stare at my exposed brick walls and look around my home-for-one and sit on my giant bed alone and think, “I’ve made it. I’ve arrived. I have everything I want.” And I feel incredibly grateful and blessed in that moment. And then I wonder, “So, what do I do with the next 60 years of my life?”

It seems that everything my 17 years of school taught me and every job and goal I’ve had for myself has lead me to this place, this career, this life of going to work and eating what I want and maintaining my appearance and dabbling in all of my hobbies. I am blessed that God has given me everything I have ever wanted at such a young age. I’m enjoying myself so much. But I’m also able to see now that maybe there is even more to life.

When you spend six months decorating a home that only you get to enjoy, it starts to feel a little pointless. When you spend hundreds of dollars on a cat who barely loves you back, it starts to feel a little vain. King Solomon back in 900 BC had every physical thing he could ever want, and he felt a similar way. Meaningless, he called it. Every single thing under the sun was meaningless.

He concluded this:
“I perceived that there is nothing better for [mankind] than to be joyful and do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God’s gift to man.”

You can be such a well-developed human being on your own. But if you don’t have love in your life, you will never reach your full potential. How could you? Love sharpens; it heals all wounds; it elicits selflessness, and it evokes all sorts of innate gifts you didn’t realize you had. You think you know who you are, and then you realize that you could be so much more, if you just let go of all of your own ideas and embrace what God has for you.

There’s a particular idea that marriage and commitment and being in some sort of domestic role is inhibiting, boring, for the almost-dead, to be avoided for as long as possible. But I see now that if my mom hadn’t chosen my dad and moved across the country with him three times, she never would have reached so many people. Sure I’m pretty good at living alone, but maybe I’m not supposed to. Perhaps being in love has made me the most empowered I have ever been.

every good and perfect gift is from above. coming down from the father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

god is the father of the sun. he is constant light. and every good gift he gives us is truly good, and only meant to be embraced by us. he has no ulterior motives, and he won’t let you ruin it.

the minute peter started doubting he started sinking. he made it so much harder for himself, because he doubted the good thing before him.

i’m having trouble developing complete paragraphs right now. but my point is this: keep walking.

: ) Ahhhh god is so good

it’s your own feelings about life that you put on paper

https://www.eadt.co.uk/news/curves-why-women-have-them-and-why-men-like-them-2187252

and other notes.

• it is so weird how some parts of your life can completely change but then other parts stay the pretty much same. it’s a nice feeling honestly.
• like if you get a new job and completely leave behind all of your old coworkers and your old work and end up in some entirely new place with a different vibe and different work life.
• ^but then at the same time, your personal life stays the same. you still have a cat. u live in the same place. you have the same friends & family & loved ones
• ^it’s a strange plight.
• but, truly, everything is always changing always. my friends & family & loved ones are all going through their own changes. their own lessons & job adjustments. I guess the part that is consistent for them, is me. I am grateful for stable things that are also changing at their own pace.
• overthinking is bad. praying and meditating is good. there is a very distinct difference.
• worrying about wether or not you are managing your life well may or may not be from God. maybe God has placed you in a spot where your life is a little messy by the world’s standards for a bit. maybe you need to stop thinking and just embrace whatever He has put in front of you.
• um. that is all for now. life is good

something I have learned recently is that living chaotically and undisciplined will end up harming the people around you. even if you think you have great intentions. it seems that neglecting your own spiritual health and sanity will always result in you making a mess. it makes you susceptible to so many things…apathy, pleasure, vanity, negligence. horrible spending habits. awkward interactions. ad libing the gospel message to a group of children. clinginess. overthinking. codependency. guilt. you know, it’s really terrible.

it’s terrible how quickly us humans are able to ruin a good thing. and by humans, of course of mean myself. I have been so blessed in my life. I owe it all to the Lord and of course I know that. but do I steward the good things he has given me well? not always. and honestly, that’s probably the only thing God wants of me—to steward his gifts. if I do that, if I just tend to the things God has given me with love and kindness, then of course, everything will go according to his will. that is my only part. to treat every blessing with love and kindness and patience. and to do that, ironically, I must first admit to myself that all of those things are not mine to begin with. I must release them. not try to control them. only care for them. if that makes any sense.

Lose yourself for my sake. Herin lies the paradox of the road less traveled. We finally find ourselves when we lose ourselves for Jesus’ sake. And how do we lose our lives for him? By investing all that we are and have for him and his gospel. By saying to him, “Here is my home, my checkbook, my talents and gifts, my brain, my heart, my hands, my feet, my mouth. Here—it’s all yours. Use it all to glorify yourself and further your purpose on earth.

I wish I knew where this was from but it’s just on a random post it note that I didn’t cite

https://www.ncei.noaa.gov/access/coastal-water-temperature-guide/egof.html

: ) I remember going into work 2 yrs ago w no idea what I was doing in life & in the literal day to day job lol. I never expected working at this particular place to leave such an impact on my life but here we are. just gotta ride the waves. all works out for his good somehow. it’s so amazing in hindsight. mkay. chao.

something I noticed back when I used to trail bike a lot more was that usually on the day when biking seemed way harder than normal and I was getting super frustrated, what was rlly happening wasn’t that I was getting worse—I was actually getting better and simply realizing my own limitations that I hadn’t been skilled enough to be aware of before. and always, the very next time I went back, I would do really well. those hard days always meant that I was on the brink of a major improvement—that I was growing, even if it felt like the opposite in the moment.

I think i’ve been going through a similar phase in life of late. for the past few months i’ve felt like I haven’t been growing much—like things have been unnecessarily rough & i’ve been doing everything wrong. but tonight I was going through the journal I started about five months ago, and there are so many good things in there. I really have learned so much during this time. and even though the lessons are harder, and i’ve made mistakes and gotten frustrated and worried a lot, I truly have become a more mature & more honest person. and if this is anything like biking, the fruits of this labor will become apparent around the corner.

in these moments of discouragement and jaded-ness, the Lord is often teaching you more than you know. and he is certainly pleased with you. he never forsakes you, even now. trust that he is refining you for whatever is ahead. that is all.

it’s 12 am. I didn’t get everything done that I wanted to. but i’m so sleepy. but i’m also so happy. and grateful. so many good moments of the past two years. I am in awe

amen

life has been very good. but a little oversaturated. and way too much worrying & not enough chill happy prayer trust God meditating on His word & words day & night. I have learned much about myself of late. many good lessons about being mature and interacting with others etc. there are parts about myself that I miss tho. I miss making things. I miss writing down quotes and verses and words and every single thought I have on post it notes. I miss being spiritually stable enough to be able to express precisely what I am learning in life at a given moment. I don’t meditate enough. or just think about what it is that I’m thinking, who God is, the meaning of life, the greater good, etcetera. these things are a lot but they make me my best self.

I don’t want to make a list of all the things I feel like I should be doing. because I know that has to be unhealthy or something. God doesn’t think in terms of ‘shoulds’ and ‘measuring up.’ Or at least not in the way I do. He has made it so we live life in seasons. I can’t focus on all the things i’m not doing right now, if all the things that I am doing are what i’m supposed to be doing at this time, if that makes sense. it doesn’t probably.

but lately I *have* been thinking about all the things I feel like I should be doing. or all the things I feel like i’m doing wrong. i’m not disciplined enough, I should have more savings, sleep more, be tidier, serve more, talk to my mom more, reach out to the ppl around me, make more things…

most of these things would be good things to be doing. I think that my problem is that i’m out here tryna do them all in my own strength. but I have to rely on God. I have to come to Him first. everything else would fall into place so much better. why do I forget this so easily. I can’t keep trying so hard to be disciplined. self control is a fruit of the spirit, not the result of my quote-working harder. everything would fall into place. if I only sought Jesus before everything first.

well. this is a relief. it’s an epiphany that i’m grateful God is allowing me to have at this time. thank you Lord for your constant-ness. thank you for the blessings You have given me. I pray that you would enable me to share them with others, in whatever way You have intended. I love you. amen.

Sharing all of the things I used to do alone and all of the places I used to go alone with another person feels so strange at first. I have this weird fear that if I share these things, that person won’t fully appreciate them, or I will lose my special possession of them. It’s so scary, to be vulnerable. and open. To tell someone about your favorite moments, your insecurities, the places you go to feel safe, even the things you are passionate about. The random epiphanies you have at work. The things that God is teaching you. It all feels so difficult to share. or at least sometimes it does.

I think the reason behind all of this is a fear that I have of losing myself. Of losing part of my life for the sake of another person. In a country where individualism is worshipped and everyone’s out here going on journeys to ‘find themselves,’ losing oneself seems like the ultimate offense to my identity. But then I think about what Jesus said…

Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.

Matthew 10:39 niv

Love starts with God. And it seems that in order to fully love God, I have to give up my own life—to consider myself dead.

I think that in our culture people get easily scared about becoming too invested in a relationship and stunting their own growth as an individual, but in a relationship that is christ centered and healthy, it seems that true love actually does require some sacrifice. A literal ‘giving up’ of one’s life.

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

John 15:13

Also, this:

^it seems that being able to share these things with another person (or people) is actually the greatest blessing of all. wow. that’s v beautiful.

• this post has been days in the making. i’ve just been adding these bullets little by little for wks now
• people don’t know anything about you until you tell them
• the ocean never gets old.
• “it’s okay to cause a little trouble.” – steve
• “the more I lead the more I need to step away.” – coert
• wearing shorts and flip flops and a tank top makes me feel the most like myself. everyone has their little sweet spot life routine and mine is carrying a backpack with six journals in it and being in warm weather and making pretty but informative things. I hope I get to keep this life phase for a while. it’s been so good
• part of love and compassion and whatnot requires you to lose yourself a little bit. Not in a bad way. In more of a kind, sacrificial way
• “don’t project your fears onto god” – kenzie
• the great resignation
• i know that things r not perfect right now & work is hard & my cat is sick and kenzie is injured, but i also have this feeling like someday i will miss this time. even though we don’t have everything figured out yet i just feel like we have things so much better than we realize. i’m so grateful for it all.
• i wish i had long hair. ugh. i miss having hair.
• life comes full circle
• i’m so sleepy
• this from kenia:

• the word courageous has been showing up quite a bit in the past wk. I think about the ppl like joshua and mary, who had to actually do something courageous and life altering, and I wonder what that has to do with the here n now.
• i need to get back into the habit of making things. idk why i’ve let it slip so much of late. just a lot going on i guess. i just don’t want to slip for so long that i never make everything ever again. which probably won’t happen. lol. life happens in seasons. ok. nvmd. it’s gonna be ok.
• “will this be something i won’t be able to live with in ten years?”
• “joyous and free” <<wow
• the first step to get sober is to change people, places, and things
• don’t be afraid to call ppl u love out on their bs
• god’s favor is for the people who are undeserving. : )
• we r all being pruned
  • ‘god brings out the best in you, develops well-formed maturity in you’
• being a servant means helping others even when it inconveniences you…
  • ‘do you want to stand out? then step down. be a servant. if you puff yourself up, you’ll get the wind knocked out of you. but if you’re content to simply be yourself, your life will count for plenty’

• ^this is a great example of web banner resizing. i just rlly appreciate it.
• the sky is so dull today. sad
• i’m sad to end this post but i guess it’s time. it’s been good. okay. *publish*

“People don’t know anything about you until you tell them.”

—Mom

“I doubted if I would ever find my road, I didn’t know if I would ever find what I wanted to do or what I was even good at, but it just ended up not being so important.”

“All you can do is do your very best at the moment.”

“Maybe, I began to think, I was just an average person. It made sense—it wouldn’t be a term unless many of us are. And it’s funny because it was only by accepting that possibility that I found my path. I stopped trying to be the best; it was liberating. Because the journey became about doing what I could with what I had.”

sometimes the worst case scenario isn’t actually bad. it’s just a change of course.

don’t be so set in ur ways that you can’t accept change I guess. when the time comes that I have to give up my black cat & exposed brick apt I hope I do it willingly. the things in life are very ebb & flowy. catch & release. nothing truly belongs to me. it’s all a gift : )

when u have no expectations everything is a pleasant surprise.

receive & release. live life in seasons. yada yada

• the difference between healing and being made whole
• mindfulness
• “You are broken.”
• sacrifice
• be still
• Kintsugi: the ancient Japanese practice of repairing cracked or broken ceramics with gold
• you have to share your life and your blessings with others. that is what makes them worthwhile
• open
• addiction
• you are enough
• there’s no reason to be all mysterious and hide your struggles or your thoughts or true emotions. being private by definition means you’re putting up a wall. and walls inhibit pretty much everything
• “imagine who you would be if you were fully whole—if all the cracks were filled with gold and you became even more beautiful than if you’d never been broken”
• imagine a person with gold filled cracks
• compassion, empathy, affirmation, affection, honesty

“by no means has this surmised everything that has occurred…”

christmas is coming. life is good. I know that it is so good. i’ve also witnessed a lot of anxiety around me. fear, exhaustion, loneliness, confusion. a lot of it is among people who seem perfectly fine. evil and angst seem to creep up in even the sweet times. in the times of great blessings. we live in such a broken place.

I think that’s where i’m at right now. that juxtaposition between such a great blessed happy time and the chaotic self destructive panicked uncertainty. just floating here in the middle of it all.

i’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we are all prone to self sabotage or destruction to a degree. it’s hard to give up those little security blankets that make u feel safe or in control but are actually killing you.

my cat has fleas.

Just as you’ll never understand the mystery of life forming in a pregnant woman, so you’ll never understand the mystery at work in all that god does. go to work in the morning and stick to it until evening without watching the clock. You never know from moment to moment how your work will turn out in the end.

Eccl 11, msg

We are going to be fine.

life becomes much more tolerable when you accept the fact that the supernatural world creator has your best interest in mind. live carefree before god; he is most careful with you.

https://fb.watch/9fHYaR6wx7/

that whole concept of having a life purpose or whatever, it’s so great but it’s such a privilege to be able to consider. it’s just so easily equated with some sort of greatness, or achievement, or humanitarian salvation. end world hunger. conserve the planet. help people you can’t relate to. etcetera. I think i’m just overwhelmed by all of the young people around me at the moment, who have these life plans or aspirations for their careers and their lives and what have you. or maybe they don’t, but they’re putting all of this pressure on themselves to figure out their calling, find their sweet spot. etcetera. and I get it. I guess I was doing the same thing a year ago. I had all of these expectations of how I thought my life should be going. and I guess it did take a year to get over. i’m so much more at peace now, about life. about the fact that really, all I have to do at the moment is enjoy it. hard times will come when it’s time. there is no reason for me to pressure myself into some sort of work-related ladder climbing grind. the lord will make the waves, I just have to ride them.

I get that the daily grind is hard, and some people have it really hard. that feeling of unsettled dissatisfaction, it needs to be addressed. i’m talking more about the weird pressure young people suddenly have to quote-do something with their lives. like what does that even mean. yes, meaning and purpose exist. and yes, we should live with intention. but all that we have, all that most of us usually ever have, is a lamp for our feet—directly below us. we cannot see what is ahead. maybe sometimes we get glimpses. but the clear obvious journey to be taken only comes in hindsight.

work is strange. it takes up so much of our time. only to fund the rest of our life. it takes up most of the daylight. it makes us sedentary. it hurts our eyes. I do not know why we all find ourselves here. at this place and time. I suppose it’s part of the curse, the fact that these jobs we’ve evolved to have actually harm our bodies.

writing things on here lately has felt weird. i’m not completely sure why. I think there are just a lot of vulnerable things at the moment. and I don’t know what is going on exactly myself, so I can’t rlly write about it. but here is a list of some of the major highlights that have happened in the past month.

• 

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b + k came to visit. we went deep sea fishing, which was so fun. k said my life seemed adventurous. she caught a lot of fish

e became a christian. she met my whole family. and some of my best friends. she shares worship songs w me now. she’s going to get baptized. we’ve had some great conversations. wow actually. I can’t’ believe that less than a month ago I was sitting at uhmaze bowls listening to this lady’s story. what a blessed life.

I bought some stools off facebook marketplace. oh crap i’m only just remembering them just now. I have to re-cover them. and sand the bottoms. ugh.

I went to new york with n. it was so cool. feels like a lifetime ago. ugh truly. so many lovely things. so much art. lots of skylines. lots of thinking about home too, tbh. new york is amazing, and it’s where every designer expects to inevitably be. but I don’t know if I could see myself there anymore. everyone is there. everything seems exhausting. I don’t know.

And then I came home for a day. I feel like I need to include this day. because it was a pleasant day. lots of resting. lots of soul feeding. v pleasant. work free. stress free. anyway…

then…I went to New Mexico with s. oh man. I was tired. but it was so good. very beautiful. santa fe was exactly what I was expecting. I could see myself living there. but i’m rlly good if I actually don’t.

then I came home. it’s been good to be back. i’ve been running around quite a bit since, though. lots of going on runs, lots of being around friends. lots of bonding, eating meals with ppl. yada yada. i’m starting to realize why I keep exaggerating life like the world is ending. i’m so tired. geez. I just need like 3 days of sleep and reflection.

I think that sometimes I get caught up in this little insecure whirlwind of chaos and self destruction. but just thinking back on the past month, it’s v evident at the moment that everything happens for a reason, I have to accept life on life’s terms. surrender.

I am so grateful for this life. i’ve been freaking out a bit lately. but writing down all of these things, I see that life is still good. god is good. there is so much at work. so much. despite all of my flaws, so much is at work. i’m so grateful. what a sweet life. before I left for my trips, r and I talked about how i’ve been v blessed of late and for most of my life, and how ppl like that have a responsibility of sorts to share those blessings. ‘don’t run,’ she said. you can’t run. you have too much to offer. ugh. sometimes the lies just rlly come at me especially of late. but yes no more running. thank you god.

https://mackpru.blogspot.com/2021/09/sorry-not-sorry-this-is-long.html

so much peace

god is good.

I like my messy apt more than when I was scrambling to keep it clean all the time.

so many blessings. my cup overflows. we r going to be fine 🙂

lots of holy spirit things or lessons or whatever have been on the mind this week.

Be generous: Invest in acts of charity.
Charity yields high returns.

Don’t hoard your goods; spread them around.
Be a blessing to others. This could be your last night.

When the clouds are full of water, it rains.
When the wind blows down a tree, it lies where it falls.
Don’t sit there watching the wind. Do your own work.
Don’t stare at the clouds. Get on with your life.

Just as you’ll never understand
the mystery of life forming in a pregnant woman,
So you’ll never understand the mystery at work in all that God does.

Go to work in the morning
and stick to it until evening without watching the clock.
You never know from moment to moment
how your work will turn out in the end.

Oh, how sweet the light of day,
And how wonderful to live in the sunshine!
Even if you live a long time, don’t take a single day for granted.
Take delight in each light-filled hour,
Remembering that there will also be many dark days
And that most of what comes your way is smoke.
You who are young, make the most of your youth.
Relish your youthful vigor.
Follow the impulses of your heart.
If something looks good to you, pursue it.
But know also that not just anything goes;
You have to answer to God for every last bit of it.

Live footloose and fancy-free—You won’t be young forever.
Youth lasts about as long as smoke.

Ecclesiastes 11

I have heard that god loves me for ever and ever, and some times I have understood it and other times I haven’t regarded it much. but occasionally the veil is lifted and it makes sense that he loves me, the words have meaning again. no matter how many times I mess up or go into addict impulse mode, he still loves me. he even protects me to an extent.

today a girl in group said that god can make u a new person at any time of your life, and that sometimes he works in seasons. changing who you are is a part of life, and god changes people all the time, even beyond making them born again. perhaps none of us know who we truly are, and that is why it is necessary to get rid of all those preconceived identities and just see who god is shaping you into. one time my graphic design rabbi said to me, “if I got everything I wanted, my life would be shit.” I have to agree with him. I could never have woefully dreamed of a life such as this, but it is significantly better than anything I have ever woefully dreamed for. I don’t know where all of this is headed, but I will remember this gentle time. I hope it shapes me into someone strong enough for whatever is next. that is all for now I think. goodbye.

I haven’t watched blimey cow in a minute but I found this so encouraging…

“you know how actually find yourself? you test yourself. you challenge yourself, and in a lot of ways you sacrifice yourself.”

“your twenties is not all about wanting to ride your bike across the entire united states”

“make the most of whatever position you find yourself in”

“focus your twenties on becoming the most attractive person you know”

the grind is exhausting. the internet is exhausting. staying healthy. managing money. working a nine to five. cleaning your house. maintaining your appearance. being regularly social. purging your possessions. personal development. being nice to your coworkers. being civil. growing professionally. developing skills. taking trips. doing all the things u feel like u r supposed to be doing. I don’t understand how ppl balance it all. maybe that’s why there r so many undeveloped young ppl these days. no one knows how to manage growing up. i’ve been reading about e girls and boys. it’s a recent subculture popularized by tiktok. i’m in dismay. these kids r basically attractive 20yr olds who dress like sexualized school children and smolder in front of a camera in their bedroom. i’m in dismay because i’m trying to picture these e boys getting married and becoming men and providing for their families and working full time jobs and contributing to humanity n creating some sort of respectable legacy, and I can’t picture it. like, who r these man children going to become in ten years? where is our society headed? dismay. dismay at the immature state of the world. and by immature, I mean incapable of doing difficult things—of committing to things that exceed our own ego—of sacrifice. we are a society incapable of sacrifice. and without sacrifice, our growth—our maturation—will forever be stunted. in order to grow up, you have to sacrifice some things. you have to make choices about what matters to u. when did it become cool to be an underachieving fuck boy. why is it so cool to not care. where r all the gen z kids who r grinding to pursue their dreams. they’re not on tiktok I guess. maybe that’s the issue—the internet has just become a hub for all of the idiots of our generation. while the rest of us r out here figuring out how to grow up. it’s not easy, to be sure. the growing pains r ruff. the slip ups & frustrations r pretty prevalent especially at first. but every month it gets easier. rlly. every month is some new theme. this month the theme is financial conservation…breaking coffee addictions, not buying more tanning mousse, eating cheap healthy food instead of bougie healthy food, purging your closet. minimalism in a very I-am-not-a-minimalist sense of the word. discerning what enhances your life from what is adding unnecessary crap to your life. applying the same mindset to relationships—figuring out how to develop the ones that matter and value yourself enough to drop the ones that will always suck. yes the grind can feel exhausting and hard to figure out. but usually when u r frustrated it means that u r going thru some character building shit. so just trust that despite the mishaps you’re overall improving. maybe slowly. but it’s a positive slope. a positive average slope. is that how u say that in graph terms? it’s been so long I can’t remember. y equals m x plus b. I think. anyway, even though I currently feel like an idiot, I can see that a year ago, I was a worse idiot. life refines you over time. changing as a person is inevitable and good. I like who i’ve become so far. i’m excited about who i’m becoming.

I don’t know what all those e boys will be doing in a quarter century, but I hope i’m in the desert or the beach somewhere with long grey hair and a little shop or studio and many friends—or at least acquaintances who adore me. maybe I have a lover or maybe i’m just rlly strong & independent with an old black cat named ass. I think either way will be okay. anyway, whenever i’m down or lost or mad that I ate ice cream or in grief over my tanning mousse, this vision is what I have to remember. this is what i’m working towards. that holy legacy that supersedes my own demise. that has everything and nothing to do with me. my small part in a very grand universal resolution.

ameneth

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lots of incredible sunsets this week. and some good runs. I remember a little over a year ago, how much going on runs impacted me—I would go every evening, it was my little coping mechanism, how I cleared my head and listened to god and was reminded of the sky & sunsets and yada. so many good memories along the palm tree road on mcgregor. & now to go back there feels like i’m returning to something so pleasant and nostalgic. & it’s weird bc i’ve never rlly felt that way about a place before. I know we lived in ga for like 8 yrs, but there was no happy place like that. little haven that just felt like home. I mean sims lake was fine but it doesn’t compare at all. at all.

lately I haven’t paused for a sec to reflect on life. I told myself I was going to clean everything before I went to sleep for the work wk but now I feel an urge to pause for a sec. so life lately. in summation it’s been chaotic and scattered and really really good and I am also extremely flawed. but life is so good. really. so many good ppl around. so many beautiful views. and places. and quirky traditions and spots and even though I def haven’t been pausing enough, now that I am pausing i’m realizing that it’s all amazing. like today…I spent the afternoon making art in my studio apartment, and then around 6pm I walked downstairs to the pizza place to pick up the pizzas my mom had ordered for my sister’s birthday. then I parked my car in the street in front of my window, ran back to my room, and grabbed my monstera. and I walked back down the street carrying my giant plant and hopped into my car. it’s like my life is a little tv show lol.

i’ve been running around too much lately like an instinct driven squirrel. but if I paused more I think I would be a better person rlly. and be overwhelmed by how good life is. maybe it’s some post-covid-world-reopening appreciation for everything, but I think rlly overall I just find myself in a blessed place. a little haven. i’m hoping these next few months I regain my head and am able to reflect on it all.

the only thing I sometimes find myself wishing for is someone to share all of this amazingness with. someone I can force to come with me at night and stare at the river for 30 minutes. life can be amazing, but experiences r rlly validated when u share them with another person ya know. this is something I guess i’ve learned recently.

the fam has been getting dive certified. & it’s been reminding me that the ocean exists. I feel like I forgot for a sec — that there’s a whole magical underwater world ya know. but literally acknowledging that fact makes all of life better and more hopeful. it’s like when u suddenly start reading the bible again and everything falls into place. i’m so excited about water.

I still firmly believe that life happens six months at a time. but lately i’ve found myself planning ahead more than usual. being like, i’m not going to buy that until about two months from now when I have more money. making all of these months-in-advance plans lol. but yesterday it hit me that post New Mexico, I actually have no plans or goals for my life. like all of my plans lead up to that trip and then life is an empty slate. the beginning of that trip will be exactly six months since I moved into this apartment. so I rlly do believe that it will be some sort of new chapter. but I guess we’ll see.

we go through all of these stages u know. sometimes u r being a student in school, sometimes u r actively serving others in a v apparent way, and sometimes u r just sort of coasting & enjoying yourself. these things happen in seasons. I think for a long time i’ve felt guilt for having a good life, but vicki has shown me that every good thing is a blessing to be enjoyed while it’s around. there will be plenty of time to be a martyr ahead.

I feel old lately. v grown. and very flawed.

ass keeps stepping on my keyboard so I guess that’s all for now. this post isn’t very deep, but it’s what’s on the mind of late.

“I think that God is an open minded person.”

I didn’t know much about cats before I got a cat. but now i’m realizing how much my personality is like a cat’s. it’s nice actually to know that there’s nothing wrong w me…that’s god made an entire species of animals with a personality like mine. he understands me…

ass is so moody and independent, she craves attention but only when she feels like it, sometimes she’s so affectionate, and then other times she’s rattled and just wants to hide under the couch. she drifts off in the middle of interactions. her eyes dart around and she just hops away. she’s really quiet, even when she’s doing something completely bizarre like balancing on a lamp. you hardly notice her, and then suddenly she’s hanging from the ceiling. even though she’s so nimble and nonchalant, she’s also v vulnerable. easily spooked. she’s so shy around new people, which is a shame because they don’t get to know the true her. she’s observant, mysterious, always a bit cold—even when she’s being affectionate. she’s just always doing her own thing. incredibly hard to read. her innocence somehow makes her seem wiser. and her eyes. ugh. they’re so beautiful. she’s beautiful. she’s such a gem.

sometimes u have to close doors & tie off loose ends & put all of ur eggs in 1 basket in a way. let go of all the backup plans & this-would-dos & just trust that the supernatural world creator will honor your faith. regardless of if u actually have any idea of how things will work out. in short don’t be afraid to invest in something. & let go of other things. rent a home & get a cat & commit to a gym & maybe actually don’t keep your options open. choose an option. & stick w it.

lately I feel like god has been teaching me to trust my gut. and to stop leading people & things on that I know don’t actually feel right. to let go of things & wait for the fully right things to come along. truly. something that’s good and right rlly does exist out there. u don’t have to settle ❤

the lord will fight for u. u need only to be still.

in the summer weekends feel like a completely different world from the workdays. I like it. it’s like two separate stories playing out but somehow weaving together like a tale of two cities.
meanwhile back at the office…

sometimes the dissonance does create a little tension though. realizing when you’re in one place, that you’d rather be in the other. it’s hard to believe that you were twelve hours earlier treading water in the ocean when now you’re tucked in a cubicle hitting the same five shortcut keys over & over. it makes you realize more quickly what you really love, I guess. what u actually want to be doing with your life.

today I told a group of elementary school kids about an insecure man named gideon. when the angel approached him, the angel called him a mighty warrior.

but was gideon a warrior? (no) why did the angel call him this???

because that’s how god saw him. (gasp)

god is all knowing. he sees you finished.

god sees who you are becoming.

when I think about this, all of the petty decisions I worry about seem pointless. god knows who I am far beyond those things and beyond what I know about myself. he reveals who we truly are to ourselves—slowly, when he wants, according to his timing, when he decides you are ready. what a relief and what a mysterious & romantic thought.

I remember in college thinking that my life was right next to some sort of peak, not realizing that it hadn’t even begun really. & a year and a half after college, I see now how much my life is just beginning. how little I know, how much more I have to live—& go through—how much more time I have to go on adventures & fall in love & meet the right people & discover who I am. there is plenty, plenty of time. so much already & it’s barely started.

so, in conclusion, I guess…meg, and whoever else is reading this: let things play out. trust the process. trust that the stories are in fact weaving together, according to god’s timing. trust that he knows you better than you know yourself. he has already written your history. & it will be good. & it will feel right.

settle for nothing other than what feels right. ❤ and be patient.

my heart.

“we are so good at living our lives.”

“By pretending that we are ‘positive vibes all day,’ we deny the validity of a genuine human experience.”

Toxic Positivity: The Dark Side of Positive Vibes

the thing about the summer here is that in addition to being summer it is also rainy season. this means that nearly every day, the air gets very humid and the sky becomes some weird tones and it seems like everything is about to explode. and then suddenly rain breaks loose for twenty to thirty minutes while the sun keeps shining full glair. but the thing is that after it rains, everything around you becomes tinted this golden blue. and the sky looks amazing.

u see, sometimes after a sun shower, things become even more beautiful than they would have been if the storm had never happened. and even though things are eternally different now, I think that they will be very beautiful. in a unique way. in a blue-toned, unique to sw florida way.

I didn’t realize it, but I love running. letting your thoughts fly by, passing pretty views, moving your body, escaping, using the food you’ve eaten for its actual purpose. making use of your body. it’s so healing. I think that one of the reasons i’ve been a bit down of late is that I feel so cooped up at my desk & trapped in a phase of cleaning & organizing, and I haven’t been out just to run & move. but twenty minutes into my run today, everything already felt better. and clearer. and free. maybe I do rely on running to feel better about myself, but I also rely on it to feed my soul. and clear my head. and enjoy my health. and what a lucky scenic route I have. this pic was taken the moment I realized the sky looked like it was about to rain and started to turn around. I think I get a little confused with the difference between vanity and taking care of myself. i’m still figuring that one out. but today it hit me that running really does seem to heal me a little bit. it always has I guess. everyone has a set of hobbies or places that make them feel like themselves. i’ve solved a lot of probs while running. had some of my deepest cry outs to god. felt all of my feelings. it’s nice because you are physically moving in an escaping way and that sort of metaphorically happens too. ❤

lots ahead as always just a lot of change at once of late

I have so much to say. life has been saturated w a lot of things lately

• first of all, youthful angst. v into the angry girl aesthetic trend at the moment. it just feels so on point & real I love it. life is gritty & a roller coaster and the so called nice girls feel it too obvi. all of the assumptions we make about each other r wrong. let’s just all be upset & disillusioned together. humans feel deeply. we all do
• speaking of angry girls, olivia rodrigo’s new album. what an icon. a hero of our time. but truly as I was listening to it today all of her vulnerable lyrics made me realize that this girl has made art & even tho being so vocally vulnerable like that feels awk & scary & frowned upon, every girl in this country has felt what she feels. she just vocalized those honest feelings. & it’s rlly actually admirable. expressing those emotions & truths via art can actually save souls. it’s a bit convicting. makes me wonder if I should make this blog more public. or something
• I think that rlly what got me is the whole idea that we have a little bit of a responsibility to share our unique selves w the world. especially if we’ve been wired in one of those ways

I realized today that this blog is one of the only places in the world where I feel like my true self. maybe everyone feels this way, or maybe i’m bipolar or something, but I feel like in so many places i’m hard to read or putting on a persona or just being reserved or interacting w people to put up with them. I feel like sometimes, I have to put on a persona just to be a normal functioning social human. I mean I guess that kind of makes me sound like a sociopath. but I just mean that it’s really hard for me to express my inner self in an immediate moment. & I feel like part of who I am is just a person who is able to interact w different ppl in different ways. become someone else according to the environment. I mean all humans do that to an extent. anyway. it’s nice to have a place like this where I can just sort thru myself w/out worrying about any perceptions of me. even a lot of my social media presence creates this image & I don’t even know if i’m real

• the song ‘brandy’ has been on repeat or a few weeks now. I just really feel for brandy. she’s chilling at this harbor town & everyone loves her but she’s waiting for that one thing beyond the harbor that she can’t have. that lonely longing. poor girl.

• I moved out. still going thru the adjusting & running around & having no routine or furniture phase. it’s been a time. but I always get like this for the first month or so. just rlly out of it. & in a sleepless/junk food/discouraged/gahfkajflasdjflasdf kind of mood a lot. but it’s fine. i’ll figure it out or whatever.
• i’ve spent so much money.
• lately i’ve been preaching to everyone to trust their gut. I rlly do believe it. especially if u have good intuition.
• v fond of waves at the moment.
• been feeling v strongly about a fresh start lately. & burning bridges. sometimes a clean slate is just nice bc life gets really gritty & oversaturated especially if u r living in the same place for a while so the current clean slates in my life feel v right.
• i’m just ready to spend a whole day in bed I think. & maybe go for a run. I think those will be the two things I do on sat. I just feel like i’ve been running around so much lately & I just need rest so my health can get back on track. I believe this is accurate.

just very amazed at everything that has happened locally personally globally & in life over the past yr & few months. one of my coworkers once said to me ‘if I got everything I wanted, my life would be shit.’ I have to agree. my deepest brandy-like longings couldn’t have gotten me to where I’m at now. & i’m v grateful for it. grateful in an overwhelmed & slightly afraid way.

trust the process.

🙂

I was going to clean up after myself but then I realized that I didn’t have to. & that I really wanted to leave everything there exactly the way it was. ❤

I didn’t expect how much I would have to answer for myself when I got this place & how much it would get to me. all of the “wow look at you, how independent of you, how did you get a place like this, it must be expensive…”

just so many questions. and judgements. & some of it is really sweet, but I feel so many eyes on me about it. I feel like suddenly, so many more people are watching me. like, ‘look at little meg she just got an apartment downtown and she’s living alone the audacity. she’s living the dream look at her she’s so lucky.’ like, it’s just so weird. a lady at target the other day called me an independent woman. I was buying towels and she asked if I was moving so I told her, and then she asked it I would be living alone & she was like ‘wow good for you, respect, an independent woman.’ it just felt a little strange. like, I mean, I guess that’s what I am. but for some reason it feels wrong to say that.

tonight I asked dad if I was trying to grow up too fast. and he was like, no not at all. you’re just on track with where people before your generation used to be at your age. that made me feel better. I just feel like so many ppl my age are still working at coffeeshops & living with their parents & on their parents’ insurance plan & yada. & part of that is due to covid. but some of it feels so strange. to have so much coming together at this age. maybe that’s just how growing up feels at any age? it just feels like a lot of my friends don’t relate to me anymore. like somehow I soared ahead. but I guess that’s not completely true. I have friends who live with their boyfriends. I guess that’s similar. but it feels weird that i’m getting such a good place, & i’m living alone.

I guess, really I just feel too blessed. like i’m excited about life & it’s all too good. like why to I get to have it so good. & why do I feel embarrassed about it. I just feel a lot of eyes on me. especially at work. & it’s strange. it’s strange to have such a good life outside of work, & then to go back to work, & be around ppl who I am just so different from. I used to feel left out, but more & more I’m realizing that I like myself & I like doing the things that I like, & that is completely good. & half of the time, I am having so much more fun. & today I was telling dad all of this and he was like, it sounds like you are doing great. sure, ppl might be paying attention because u are different, but that is completely fine & there’s really no pressure there.

the other day k and I were talking, and I made a joke & said something like ‘he’s too cool for me. i’m not cool, i’m better than cool’ and she was like, I actually agree with that. I love that so much. not the fact that she agreed, but just the whole idea that there is something better than being cool, and it is very colorful.

I guess the reason these things bother me is because i’m not doing any of this to impress people or prove myself. i’m just doing it to enjoy myself – because I really want to do it – & so it bothers me that it’s catching so much scrutiny. hmm. I actually wonder if this is one of the first things i’ve done in a long time simply because I-me-myself-me wanted to. I couldn’t tell u the last time no ego or uncertainty or social media has swayed my decision. this just feels so right to me personally. & I don’t feel a need to announce it to anyone other than myself. I mean I do, but not to brag – more to just like to celebrate bc i’m so excited. I guess a lot of growing up is no longer needing the approval of others, because you like yourself & have learned to make decisions that your intuition wants. & somehow, those anonymous, quiet actions end up speaking the loudest.

what a nice picture of how testimonies work.

sometimes I feel weird when ppl question why i’m living alone, & I feel like there’s something wrong with me for being so okay with being alone. I crave it so much. but that’s just who I am. I need that time to gather myself, to make things, to just think & be. it’s what makes me who I am, to be honest, it makes me the version of myself that is able to get along with others so much. the inner life is vivid. & that’s what is able to shine out.

I feel like these past few months I’ve learned a lot about my personality. i’ve learned that all the quirks & things that I thought were wrong with me – they have shaped me into the creature that I am, and instead of being ashamed of any of it, or feeling like i’m not quite as good or capable as everyone else – I am completely free to just be myself and to do the things that I personally want & interact with others in my own unique way. not all people will mesh with me…but some will actually be drawn to me for my behavior. a lot will, actually. u learn all of these things with time. through all of grade school I thought so little of myself because I was quote-shy and didn’t speak much and didn’t seem to have as many friends as anyone else and I just remember feeling so much less competent than everyone else in everything. the truth is that I just didn’t know how to express myself yet. I prayed so much that god would take away my ‘shyness’ – I thought that I lacked bravery or something. I thought I was a coward and that was why I was so socially incompetent. looking back, it makes me want to cry. because little meg truly did hate herself. oh gosh. this post has taken a dark turn lol but I think i’m onto something here…

I did hate myself. I remember that now. And in high school after I moved I didn’t want anyone to know how incompetent I felt. So I thought if I looked skinny, then I would look like I had my life together. And people would not question me. This was the distinct ‘logic’ I remember thinking at the time. lol. I haven’t dug into my high school self in a while. how the heck did I get here.

anyway, that’s how the eating disorder started. yada yada yada, eventually something switched and I became a more social person. & I started to like myself more, I found a lot of passion in studying art, and I grew out of some awkwardness. & suddenly I felt like I had to make up for lost time, & I never said no to any new opportunity that came my way. I wanted to try everything and go on every adventure. & that’s pretty much the stage i’m still in now. it really is true that once you get your confidence back you revert to being your nine-year-old self. lol.

but anyway…geez that was a doozy. the point I was tryING to make is that I have since learned so much about myself. & I have learned to embrace how different I am, to allow myself the space I need, & to interact with people how I may. most people would definitely not describe me as shy anymore. some would still say I am quiet – it depends on who you ask lol. people say i’m difficult to figure out. I hope that doesn’t mean i’m bipolar. lol.

today I was thinking about where some of my classmates from college have ended up, and how I am here, and how we’re all kinda ending up with the lives that are actually right for us. or we will eventually. it’s really sweet actually, to see things work out so uniquely and fittingly for everyone. life works out. it’s cray.

it just takes time & a lot of trust so much trust.

life refines u, polishes u, strengthens u on its own. all comes in due time.

me, feb 29, 2020

how do you eat a potato? one bite at a time.

❤

i’ve been tryna figure out how to structure all the thoughts i’ve had of late. but life’s been extreme & I don’t know how to fit everything right now. so i’m just going to go thru every photo up here and talk about that day.

this was last week I think. I went on a run on monday or tuesday and was just having a fab time and took this pic along the way. that was a fun run if I remember correctly I enjoyed it a lot.

this was last sunday at the atl airport. I felt like I wouldn’t be back there for a long time and I really liked this terminal hallway so I wanted to get a pic.

this was also last sunday. before I went to the airport I hung out w my friend c. we went to a plant shop, which was fun. but it was mostly just great to catch up in person. ugh. the whole trip was great tbh. it’s just nice to have friends u have history with, ya know, and to talk to them again

this was on one of the worst days of my life. it was already a horrible day and after work I went to panera to supposedly do a horrible freelance job and stress about getting enough players to show up for our soccer game that night. it was awful. so many thoughts & worries & grieving going on. but this was the moment I remembered that u have to eat an elephant one bite at a time. so I decided to take things one bite at a time for a while.

this was actually that exact same day as I was leaving panera. there was a sunset in the street and I wanted to remember it

this was the friday before the last two images, which were from the monday after. it’s a work bathroom selfie lol. it was the day of my annual review and also the first day of the horrible awful, which wasn’t related to my annual review. many many mixed emotions

this was a few weeks ago on a friday I took off work and got my hair done and went shopping and got my dress hemmed and many many things. I was so young back then sigh

now this was actually the thursday before the friday that the horrible awful started. I was on a run and then just started speaking my prayers out loud and I looked like a crazy person but anyway, I just started praying for everyone I knew or something. and then I got to myself and was literally like, well, I don’t know what to ask for. I just felt very much like I had done everything I wanted in life already and was v grateful in that moment. I was ok with just hiding out & retiring in the ole fort for the rest of my days. and then I saw my name in the sidewalk, and I was like, wait that’s really out of the blue and I know megan is a pretty common name but still this must be a sign. so I took it as a sign that god did indeed see me out here. and it was really comforting. and then I asked god for some drama in my life. he did not disappoint. I must say

this was a few weeks ago at our second to last soccer game. that sky. always

this was at k’s wedding. it was so beautiful.

so this was actually the first apartment I saw when I sporadically decided to look at apartments. it was the week of the horrible awful but here I was with my parents and my rabbi looking at apartments. this one was a dump but something felt right about the situation too. after we looked at this place I had dinner with my parents, and it was rlly pleasant.

this was that same day after dinner at the top of a parking garage. that sunset timing sigh. I stood up there for a bit and thought about the horrible awful and the next chapter of life & how much I rlly do love the fort. and I think that was when I decided to delete social media too. sometimes a fresh start just feels nice.

life’s been a lot. I feel like I haven’t seen or spent time with local friends in a hot sec. there’s just been so much other going on. but I feel like the next chapter is about to start. & things are going to get into a groove again. it’ll be good. much ahead as always. and so many pieces i’m leaving out. but this will do for now. mkay. chao. for now

many many things. eep

2 yrs ago. look how tired I looked. those eyes. yeesh. the cray thing is that for all of college I was like that & didn’t even realize how much it was affecting me. I haven’t slept much this past wk, and i’m realizing how much of a diff it makes. I feel like this girl again. tired running around cray meg. in some ways it’d ridiculous but in a lot of way I love it. that freedom. independence. not yet a mature person. figuring things out. so free. i’m so excited for the things ahead. it rlly does take a yr to get acquainted.

❤ muy excited.