I love how highly they speak of one another
“my whole philosophy is when the good lord gives you an opportunity to make a difference, what to you do with it? do you sit on the side lines? do you enjoy the cocktail parties? or do you get out and put yourself into the arena and try to make a difference on behalf of the people?”
in no particular order
that time we went camping with just two cans of soup
DISNEY ON ICE
j + j’s wedding
c + c’s wedding
(not pictured)
s + j’s wedding
the start of a wonderful holiday season
k’s graduation
a new home!!!!
valentine’s day
so much of marriage is just moments like this
the evening we went biking
tennessee in 2022
that other time we went camping and it rained
sister night
visiting sanibel to check out the new chicos store
when h’s mom came to visit
christmas @ FMB
oh yea, my bday!
easter sunday
the sweetest evening ❤
for a moment, the world was our playground.
yay for spring.
(not pictured)
– helping with the cats
– easter with h’s fam
– continual packing
– the perfect cup @ matlacha
– running with k
– the beach
– international day of Meg
– nate bargatze
– good friday
– reading the newspaper
change is hard. I feel like I have changed, and it scares me because I am worried that I am losing a part of myself. I want a personality test to tell me who I am, but apparently the enneagram is demonic or something. I used to really like who I was, or who I felt like I was becoming, but now I don’t even know who that is. and charlie kirk said that when women hit thirty they are no longer as attractive as they were, and i’m four years away from being thirty. I don’t even know who charlie kirk is but I know that he said that from twitter. so i’m wondering if my attractive years are over and the rest of my life will be spent cleaning the house and driving children around. and not having pretty things anymore. I don’t write on this blog much now. and that makes me feel like i’m losing myself. I do have things to write still, I just haven’t made the time. but also, I can feel myself thinking differently now. my brain has changed. I don’t know how to cling to who I was five years ago, but for some reason I feel like I need to.
“only a fool thinks he can always do what he’s always done.”
there are a lot of women who lose themselves for the sake of their family. it is a scary thing to let go of, one’s sense of self, but maybe it is necessary. I don’t know.
keeping this page open all day
”Let all that I am praise the Lord. O Lord my God, how great you are! You are robed with honor and majesty. You are dressed in a robe of light. You stretch out the starry curtain of the heavens; you lay out the rafters of your home in the rain clouds. You make the clouds your chariot; you ride upon the wings of the wind. The winds are your messengers; flames of fire are your servants. You placed the world on its foundation so it would never be moved. You clothed the earth with floods of water, water that covered even the mountains. At your command, the water fled; at the sound of your thunder, it hurried away. Mountains rose and valleys sank to the levels you decreed. Then you set a firm boundary for the seas, so they would never again cover the earth. You make springs pour water into the ravines, so streams gush down from the mountains. They provide water for all the animals, and the wild donkeys quench their thirst. The birds nest beside the streams and sing among the branches of the trees. You send rain on the mountains from your heavenly home, and you fill the earth with the fruit of your labor. You cause grass to grow for the livestock and plants for people to use. You allow them to produce food from the earth— wine to make them glad, olive oil to soothe their skin, and bread to give them strength. The trees of the Lord are well cared for— the cedars of Lebanon that he planted. There the birds make their nests, and the storks make their homes in the cypresses. High in the mountains live the wild goats, and the rocks form a refuge for the hyraxes. You made the moon to mark the seasons, and the sun knows when to set. You send the darkness, and it becomes night, when all the forest animals prowl about. Then the young lions roar for their prey, stalking the food provided by God. At dawn they slink back into their dens to rest. Then people go off to their work, where they labor until evening. O Lord, what a variety of things you have made! In wisdom you have made them all. The earth is full of your creatures. Here is the ocean, vast and wide, teeming with life of every kind, both large and small. See the ships sailing along, and Leviathan, which you made to play in the sea. They all depend on you to give them food as they need it. When you supply it, they gather it. You open your hand to feed them, and they are richly satisfied. But if you turn away from them, they panic. When you take away their breath, they die and turn again to dust. When you give them your breath, life is created, and you renew the face of the earth. May the glory of the Lord continue forever! The Lord takes pleasure in all he has made! The earth trembles at his glance; the mountains smoke at his touch. I will sing to the Lord as long as I live. I will praise my God to my last breath! May all my thoughts be pleasing to him, for I rejoice in the Lord. Let all sinners vanish from the face of the earth; let the wicked disappear forever. Let all that I am praise the Lord. Praise the Lord!“
Psalms 104:1-35 NLT
i’d live the whole year again for this moment : )
franck has the most good-natured heart. Immediately content in any moment. I miss him. I pray that he is being a light where he is, that god will use that sweet little cat’s life for good
—
“I like simple, clean. Efficient.”
sometimes I like that too, I don’t know. sometimes I want nothing in a space besides a blanket on the floor. and sometimes I want all of my memories sprinkled everywhere, with a rug and throw pillows and lights and everything that reminds me of New Mexico in my view. i like objects that remind me of something. a memory, a place, piece of my heart. I also like beauty. beauty makes me happy—no, joyful. when it all becomes too much, that’s when I minimize. I purge. whatever feels like clutter or grit, I throw away.
—
at what age can you no longer be a little girl figuring it all out. at what point do I become like the women at chicos, who wear big necklaces and pantsuits. i can’t picture myself ever in a big necklace. but I couldn’t picture myself with a big diamond on my finger either. at what point does acting like a child start to look like it doesn’t fit anymore, like things would just be better if you became a young woman, whatever that means. I loved my early twenties, I had so much fun. but I was also trying everything because I didn’t know what I liked, who I was, etc. this time now, it’s gentler but no less meaningful. you don’t have to be going on an adventure to have an adventure. what makes one boring is not the lack of times they’ve been drunk. “live a little.” I am living. I’m having the human experience. life is hard for a majority of people on the globe. nothing makes you more empathetic than experiencing the same thing.
—
“you learn in the light what you’re gonna need in the dark”
—
from 3/10/21 ^
—
—
“you don’t understand, you’re not a man.”
I guess I don’t. It’s tragic what the corruption of humanity does to us all. I spent more than a decade telling myself that I wasn’t enough, but it wasn’t true. But satan tells the ones I love most the same thing about me. but of course it isn’t true. how can we encourage one another when satan has a hold on our own minds as well. “you’re beautiful just the way you are,” he says, but sometimes he wonders if I am. we know what the truth is. we’re just flawed. but we’re working on it, and God is our north star, the constant light and truth that never leaves us and guides us back to where we’re really supposed to be.
—
life happens six months at a time ❤
i’m so grateful for christmas again. a year ago is such a blur. it’s like the entire community barely celebrated last year, how could they, and we’re all making up for it now. it’s really wonderful. ian is finally far enough that in hindsight we’re able to celebrate a bit more how much has been done. it’s amazing how in the wake of a natural disaster, life becomes a blur. it’s inevitable. the shock and exhaustion that consumes a whole community for a year. even the wedding and engagement is such a blur to me now. and for a year now i’ve been meaning to write down exactly what happened on december 27…
well, I guess the story technically starts that september, when me, h, s, and m were all in tennessee. it was the boys’ first time visiting and meeting some of the family, and the trip had been full of pals, pretty fall hikes, card games and probably some football. it couldn’t have been going better. on one particular day we decided to go to irwin to hike this waterfall trail we’d read about. finding the trailhead took quite a while, but eventually we did, and the beginning of the trail was very beautiful and mossy. none of us realized just how steep it was going to be. so we hiked and hiked, and stopped many times along the way. there were several nice spots that we thought about stopping and turning around at—none of us were sure just how far the top would be and if the view would be worth it. at one point we thought we may had reached the top because the rest of the trail upwards looked rocky and a little unkempt. but h and I decided to keep going. so we climbed and climbed, and then, we turned the corner and were struck with this beautiful waterfall oasis. it was a stunning moment, seeing this grand quiet spot hidden in the middle of irwin, Tennessee. it was a haven. amazed and in awe, h and I sat below the waterfall and took in our wonder. we kept exclaiming to each other how incredible it was, and then it got quiet. and as I looked out among one of the most beautiful sights i’d ever seen, I heard h say, “I will marry you someday.”
fast forward to when we arrived back in fort myers. h was having chest pains, and we spent the night in the hospital until five am. just a few hours later in the morning, sirens went off downtown and someone in the streets shouted in a megaphone to evacuate. so we spend the next two or three days at my parents’ house. I remember when the flooding started, we were both so grateful to have each other. that night as everyone slept on blow up mattresses in the floor h and I whispered to one another until we both finally became sleepy.
I remember one night on our way to visit my family in the condo, h and I were talking about marriage at publix. “you’re going to have to ask my dad you know,” I said. and when he smiled and said he already had, I fell to the floor in disbelief…
anyway, we went back to tennessee the day after christmas. and on our first day in town, k, j, m, s, h, and I had all decided to hike the falls again, on account of the fact that k had never seen it I was told. the water was frozen this time, and snow still remained along the trail, which made this hike especially beautiful. I remember at one point I had stopped to look at something, and h told me to hurry and I was like what the heck, lol. I was especially sleepy that morning. well, we got to the top and the waterfall was frozen over, it was gorgeous. I was wandering around and h came up to me and hugged me. then he said that he had my last christmas present. I immediately thought he was giving me a sweater. but instead he pulled out a little wooden box, and he got on one knee right there, and I was in shock! I was like, oh my gosh really you did all of this and he was like yea well you’re pretty gullible. we talked for quite a while. he explained how he had pulled it all off and how he had made the box he was holding. and then he held my hand and said, “this represents my promise—well not yet, but—my future promise to always love you…” and he said that God has given him a beautiful piece of nature to love and take care of forever. to always be with him.
it was absolutely lovely. and this year has followed, and what a good year it has been.
last week’s mini vacation was so much fun, I took so many deep breaths. nice, healthy deep breaths. my body was at peace. on friday we finished working and took off, and as we were walking to the car Hunter told me that he’d just gotten the full time position. praise God. he answered our prayers. five minutes before we arrived at our airbnb, hunter found out that we were staying at a motel, which apparently I hadn’t communicated to him. so he understandably seemed a bit in shock when we first arrived. we toured the premise and found ourselves at a wild tiki bar in the back of the parking lot. ah, florida. we spent the night eating taco bell and watching the new spiderverse movie, and we fell asleep to one punch man.
on saturday I woke up early as promised, and we headed to ami: the part I used to go to as a child. how wild that the place we vacationed to during my childhood is now less than two hours away from where we live. it truly looked the same as it always has. we found a perfect parking spot and then walked down memory lane/Pine Avenue. it was cold so I wore my blue blanket. we stopped at the jail. and we got coffee + hot chocolate at this donut shop. we walked back to the beach and sat there for about an hour. it’s such a beautiful spot, white sand and pretty waters. it was a little chilly, and at one point hunter and I laid on our towel, and I wrapped myself in my blanket and felt like a cat does when he’s content and purring, all warm and cozy in his fur. deep breath. for lunch we walked back to a taco shop on pine ave. it was delicious. then we walked around a bit more and then headed to the aquarium.
on our way to the aquarium a cop pulled us over because hunter’s tags were expired. a minor setback, the cop was very friendly. the aquarium was so much fun. the cuttlefish were incredible, as were the jellyfish, and the giant squid, and the sweet playful otters. we paid $3 to have a hairdryer blown at us. the tarpon tank was really cool as well. the mote also has a bird rehabilitation center so we walked around that too. when we were done at the aquarium we decided that we were way too tired to go paddle boarding, so we headed to this tourist street along ami and got some coffee. that coffee spot was so cute; my matcha was really good. they had some sort of electronic table with arcade games on it, so we played a few of those. then we sat outside and sipped our drinks. we walked around for a bit, bought some gifts at a souvenir shop, and then drove back to the north for ice cream at two scoops. we walked down the pier as we ate our ice cream. at the end we turned the corner to find a dj and a congo line. ah, florida. we sat on the pier until we got too cold, then we headed to chickfila and then the motel. at the motel we ate chickfila and old wine, and we watched ridiculous 6, which is absolutely stupid but also I found it amusing.
Sunday was an early morning again (I was on a roll). we headed to beercan island, where hunter used to go. it was a wonderful spot. we hammocked within this secluded treed area. a few large trees had fallen and their root systems sat high above the ground; people had hung seashells and trinkets on them, and also painted the tree trunks. such a nice spot. deep breath. we stayed there for a while, listening to the sermon and reading on our own. for lunch we went to another part of ami I had never been to. we sat outside in front of the water and had seafood. it was aight, the view was great, and that was a fun area too. after that we drive to the ringling museum. it’s an odd location, just sort of nestled in the commercialized roads that are sarasota. but once you enter the grounds, the atmosphere feels very different. the art museum was neat—especially the courtyard in the center of the building. I wish i’d taken more photographs. we didn’t care too much for the circus museums. the house, Ca’ d’Zan, was beautiful; we didn’t go inside, but we walked around it and stood on its giant back porch. john ringling seemed like a fascinating man, I want to learn more about him.
after exploring the grounds for a few hours, we got back in our car and headed to publix for camping food. we arrived at the campground as the sun was setting, so I quickly set up the tent as hunter began cooking. hunter was so in his element. he whipped out his burner stove thing and one of our pans and made us a meal in the great outdoors. I’m pretty sure he was singing to himself. the food was delicious. the potatoes were a little undercooked but at that point we would have eaten anything and loved it. we went on a walk around the campgrounds and found a swing set. then hunter made a fire and we sat around it and popped popcorn. I was plum tuckered out at that point. we bundled up in our tent and slept among the stars. i’m not much for sleeping on the floor but this was the best it’s ever went for me. : ) in the morning hunter woke up pretty early, and he made me oatmeal and hot chocolate when I got up. to savor what little time we had left at the campground, we went paddle boarding. it was SO peaceful. hunter fished as I wandered around. at one point I laid on my board and closed my eyes. the sun felt so nice. deep breath. when it was time to head back, a bird started swimming along with us and it was the sweetest thing. eventually two more birds joined in. apparently in that area, cormorants do this often to try to catch the fish that swim out from under the paddle boards’ shadow. by the time we got back to our site after this enjoyable setback, we had ten minutes until check out. we packed up as fast as humanly possible and drove away right as the park ranger was pulling into our lot.
we drove to the fort and walked around it. such a nice area, and right next to a lovely beach. then, it was time to trek to the grand finale: zootampa. (angels singing). we were pretty tired by the time we got to the zoo, but it was still so much fun. we took a tour of the manatee medical center and learned all about that. then we had a yummy lunch + dipping dots. it’s been so long since i’ve been to a zoo, it was great seeing all of the animals. the giraffes were great. and so were all of the monkeys. really all the animals were great. it’s a very nice zoo, well kept. we didn’t get to see our favorite character from the tv show unfortunately, but at least we stood where she’s stood.
AH. and that’s it. we headed back after that. it was soooo nice, getting away from work and computers. and just existing. I’m grateful for my travel buddy. even the long drives to and fro were enjoyable with him. we did a whole lot in three days but I wouldn’t have it any other way. and the restful times at the beaches + paddle boarding were just right. i’m grateful to have a friend who cares just as much about writing down all the details as I do (s/o to hunter’s blog). i’m grateful to god for such an amazing getaway. praise be ❤
my only regret is not taking more photos! I need to get that disposable developed : )
“I don’t take any responsibility for the lunatic fringes of my own religion” – JK Rowling
I did not realize how much of an anxious person I am until recently. well, truly I’m not sure if it’s right to label anyone as an “anxious” person. because that’s like calling someone a sad person or an excited person—no one is sad or excited all of the time. maybe I have my anxious moments. maybe i’m prone to being anxious in certain circumstances. maybe there’s a certain set of conditions unique to each individual that causes each to moil in anxiety. anyway, I think the truth is that i’m a perfectly healthy human being. but sometimes I convince myself that I am dying or that my heart will stop at any moment. we can’t live our lives worrying that our heart is just going to suddenly stop doing the thing it is supposed to do that makes us alive. we just have to trust it, or trust God, for the time being. let go of what we can’t control. a video I once watched said, “the distance between our ideal for our lives and the reality of our lives, that distance is directly proportional to our anxiety levels.”
prayer + thanksgiving is the supposed key to anxiety relief. and I wonder if it takes a long time, if it’s like addiction recovery, a trust-the-process situation.
because it was a good weekend 🫠
Friday:
– went to the event at the gathering house and got some free chili. it was nice, lots of good people
– ordered some pizza and cannolis and watched some of wreck it ralph 2
Saturday:
– slept in and had pizza for brunch
– went with h to the dive shop to buy my very own bcd
– shopped around target for containers and whatnot
– stopped at chickfila 🙂
– came home, then went to the house to oil paint some apples with k + a
Sunday:
– went to church
– went to the beach and painted + read. it was so nice
– family dinner
it hit me tonight that most of my childhood was actually in the same house. we didn’t move until I was in fifth grade. but that was when the cute phase ended anyway. the best years of childhood were all in that gray house in rowlette texas. kindergarten through fourth grade. my parents talk about that place like it was run down and small, and all that they could find or afford when they were moving to texas. but I remember it as the house with the pink walls in our room, where I got to sleep in a top bunk bed. I remember lining up all of my stuffed animals on my bed and talking to them, and truly thinking that I wasn’t alone. I remember setting up our play kitchen in the closet and using it as my detective desk. and just sitting, in the closet, waiting for someone to approach me to solve a mystery. playing outside. running around one of those hose sprinklers in our swimsuits. putting leaves on the end of sticks and pretending to roast marshmallows around a pretend fire. so much pretending. so much playing dress up.
I haven’t been able to remember my childhood lately. I think it’s because I forgot where it took place. but it’s all coming back to me now. that was a nice time, yeah.
I thought this dog was going to sleep but apparently she gets up every half hour and starts pacing around again. lol. having two pets in my apt tonight reminded me of how I used to surround myself with stuffed animals as a kid, to feel like I had company. I am realizing more and more that I don’t like sleeping alone. in college sometimes I would sleep with my bible in my bed because it made me feel comforted. of course, we are never really alone. I will cherish the memories of nights with only god and my cat. the sweet moments when astrid lay down next to me that only god and I witnessed. but truly, i’ll be so grateful to sleep next to h. companionship is such blessing. ok goodnight
hmm. i’m starting to remember why I blogged so much when I lived alone. because I was LONELY. I didn’t even have a TV. lol. I used to think that my best self came from me being alone, but now I don’t think so. I was just different. very reflective. i’m not sure if I still am and have just been busier, or if maybe things are changing. I don’t know. but anyway, here’s what’s been going on.
okay well, bye
*what I was talking about:
Always be glad because of the Lord! I will say it again: Be glad. Always be gentle with others. The Lord will soon be here. Don’t worry about anything, but pray about everything. With thankful hearts offer up your prayers and requests to God. Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think and feel. Finally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true, pure, right, holy, friendly, and proper. Don’t ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise. You know the teachings I gave you, and you know what you heard me say and saw me do. So follow my example. And God, who gives peace, will be with you.
Philippians 4:4-9 CEV
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
James 1:27 NIV
“We have a great dream. It started way back in 1776, and God grant that America will be true to her dream.”
– Martin Luther King, Jr.
“Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty.”
– John F. Kennedy
“Let us raise a standard to which the wise and honest can repair…” *
– George Washington
“The principle of free governments adheres to the American soil. It is bedded in it, immovable as its mountains.”
Daniel Webster
“Whatever America hopes to bring to pass in the world must first come to pass in the heart of America.”
– Dwight D. Eisenhower
“For this is what America is all about. It is the uncrossed desert and the unclimbed ridge. It is the star that is not reached and the harvest sleeping in the unplowed ground. Is our world gone? We say ‘Farewell.’ Is a new world coming? We welcome it–and we will bend it to the hopes of man.”
– Lyndon B. Johnson
“Every generation has the obligation to free men’s minds for a look at new worlds…to look out from a higher plateau than the last generation.”
– Ellison S. Onizuka
“May God continue the unity of our country as this railroad unites the two great oceans of the world.”
– Inscribed on the Golden Spike, Promontory, Utah, 1869
“The cause of freedom is not the cause of a race or a sect, a party or a class–it is the cause of humankind, the very birthright of humanity.”
– Anna Julia Cooper
* This was said by Washington at the Constitutional Convention. The full quote, written on the Arch at Washington Square Park is this:
“Let Us Raise a Standard to Which the Wise and Honest Can Repair. The event is in the hand of God.”
madeline l’engle
healers, listeners, servants
alliance of the arts newsletter
date night tonight. it was my turn to plan it. choose each other’s outfits and then go to joe’s crab shack, where we’ve talked about going forever. and wow, it didn’t disappoint. the interior was so fun, and pretty empty due to the rain and the fact that it was an off-season thursday night. a table right in front of the window as the sun was starting to set, it was perfect. we were overwhelmed by the menu and talked excitedly for ten minutes about all of the possibilities we could order. we decided to get the crab dip appetizer and snow crab bucket (when in joe’s crab shack…), and I was literally giddy about how good everything was going to taste. as we waited for our food we decided to pull out the would you rather cards we had brought, but just as I took them out of my purse a man in a suit approached our table and started performing magic tricks at us. we were like, what the heck that was the greatest thing ever. our appetizer arrived as he was performing, so we dug in and it was so delicious. we answered some would your rather questions. then our crab legs arrived, bibs and all. hunter had never eaten crab before, and he literally said “wow” every time he took a bite for at least the first five bites. suddenly we heard clapping and then an epic sailor’s birthday chant. when another birthday celebration happened five minutes later, hunter looked at me and asked if we were in heaven. “look at us,” he said, “we’re wearing bibs, eating crab, there’s a magician, and it’s everyone’s birthday!”
then we had fifteen minutes of intense crab leg eating. and just as we were finishing up our meal, a drunk man fell to the ground and started seizing. at that point we and two older ladies at the bar were the only customers left. the crew crowded around the man on the floor and someone called an ambulance, which took forever to arrive. it was the most bizarre scene to be a witness of, this guy suddenly in critical condition on the floor of joe’s crab shack. once the ambulance arrived and took him away (I think he’ll be okay), hunter and I finally left and the staff apologized profusely, to which hunter replied that this had been the most entertaining dinner we’d ever had and we would certainly be back. It was a great night! literally joe’s crab shack lived up to everything I was hoping it would be. photographic evidence:
we were SO HAPPY
p.s. we spent our entire eating-out budget for the next two weeks, but it was WORTH IT
well, here I finally am. I at last find myself alone, rested, ready to type away. i’ve wanted to forever, but it has been so long since I have felt mentally prepared to write on here. and now i’m so shocked that i’m here I don’t know what to say.
marriage is an amazing thing. the closeness that it creates between two people has been very sublime to experience. to be the person that a boy confides in is one of the best privileges. to get to know someone in such an intimate way, it’s just incredible. and there’s still so much left to know.
I do feel different. some events in your life just straight up change you, and it takes some time to realize that is okay, that the person you were when you were 21 years old was never meant to be the finished product. life refines you, polishes you over time…being a grown up is okay.
there’s been a lot going on. sometimes it’s hard to make time to sit down and write, or go on a run, or just be alone. I think it’s just a season. between working and waiting and sleeping and cleaning and watching Alone and visiting family and traveling, I haven’t taken much time to clear my head and do what feels right. to get to a place where I feel good about where i’m at, who I am, what i’m doing, etc.
things I love + miss / yens:
the internet has been bad for me lately. i’m deep in the youtube algorithm of angry political commentaries. well, some of them aren’t angry but they focus a lot on everything that’s wrong with people. it’s not good for me. people are people. I need to spend more time out here (*points to the grass*) and only check my email once a day. why do I check my email so much.
❤
i don’t know how to praise God enough. this weekend has been full of hard work paying off at last, and it’s only the beginning. hunter told me he was going to start training for a half marathon on february 22. and on saturday he ran 13 miles in the heat of the morning. right after that my parents moved into their home that had been destroyed nearly eight months prior on september 28. they’d been working so hard. everything had been so hard. it’s like there’s light now, and the hope that’s always been there is being dusted off and reaffirmed and it’s clearer than ever that good things are ahead. just in time for summer.
I can’t believe that i’m sitting here in the same place that it all began. after I graduated college and didn’t know what to do, and was so dramatic. i landed a job for a quack doctor and gained two talented and funny graphic design rabbis who taught me so much about design and life. covid happened. so much fishing and water. so much running along the palm tree-lined roads. so much fun in the loft, and also a little bit of hardship. and then a yr in, moving into a perfect apartment. what a gift from god that place is. it was so amazingly timed out. I remember, months before, going on a run per usual and running into the most beautiful sunset at the perfect time. and god said to me, “when the timing is this perfect, it usually means you had nothing to do with it.”
being so lonely at first and wishing I had someone to share it all with. and then, suddenly, running into hunter. he’d been there for months—we both had. but at some point, at just the right time, it became evident that we were both there together for a reason. everything was so perfectly arranged, i don’t know how to praise god enough. the timing of it all.
I can’t believe god has given me a husband. well I mean obviously I believe it, but i find it amazing. I can’t believe that all that time I spent praying that god would let me leave fort myers, he knew that just a year later my husband would show up to this town, and I would meet him six months after that. and now the wedding is in 26 days, and my family is living in their home again, and good things are coming out of hardship.
lord, i’m so grateful. I don’t know how to do justice to all of the care you’ve shown me and my life. all of this is my testimony. when the timing is this perfect, it usually means I had nothing to do with it.
when you fall deeper in love with jesus christ you have a greater hatred of sin
“part of that faith journey was helping me to accept myself for who I was, which was the most important thing in order for me to kind of turn my life around and such”
“jesus would go out of his way to help people were suffering”
“the erosion of common sense and normality”
saturday: tied to sleep in, returned coqueta to her family, visited a cat, accidentally bought chocolate pudding at publix, walked around downtown ft myers with h and his papa. left and went to target, had dinner at kj’s with h, his dad, & my parents 🙂
sunday: wore a cute outfit, went to service with h and his dad (missions, we’re in this boat together…), taught the 4th and 5th graders, bought some flip flops at publix, went to the beach with h (!), stopped by target to look for a journal, family dinner, jumanji
monday: drove to the apartment, worked, pet kitty, looked at rings at kay, went on a 2 mile run (so nice), came home and watched that weird jury duty show w m and s
tuesday: worked from the condo, got makeup done after work (!), went on a long walk, drove to publix with kenzie
wednesday: worked from the condo (long day), met with sherry m and k at sbucks to go over shower, designed a resume, drove to apartment, took a shower, went outside to the river with h, put our lock on the fence (!!!!), sat and talked and watched the beautiful sky, made hot cocoa, watched over the hedge ( 🙂 )
thursday: worked from the apartment (very productive!), made a spreadsheet, mirrored some paintings for a canvas wrap, said hello to h, met with r, mom, d, and m at the church to go over wedding things, had dinner at panera with mom and d. came back to the condo, sat on the balcony 🙂
If you nurture something it will grow.
I know i’ve been posting so many videos on here lately, but this one’s really incredible.
“I will discern evil from churches. Evil from God.”
“So I don’t have to throw the baby out with the bathwater, but throw out the bathwater and keep the God, which, seems to be much more empowering.”
“We live in a world where we’re discouraged to changed our mind.”
“The garden reconciles human art and wild nature, hard work and deep pleasure, spiritual practice and the material world. It is a magical place because it is not divided.” -Thomas Moore
i’ve been forgetting so much of what’s going on lately. I think because there’s so much going on? I love to cling to every thing that’s happening, though, usually, so it’s driving me crazy that the days have been running together so much. so i’m going to force myself to keep better track of it on here. because awareness and mindfulness and being present and whatnot.
last week:
(the wknd prior was great – we went to naples and did other things that I can’t recall but I just wanted to make note that it was really good)
on monday (2/27) I was sick, like a feverish nasty kind of sick, an I-just-want-to-sleep-the-day-away-sick. it made the work day a bit rough. and then finally, work ended, and I basically didn’t move from the spot of the couch I was on. h dropped off some food, which i’ve yet to pay him back for (hehe). and then I watched two episodes of the chosen, which were both amazing. the scene where jesus and nicodemus were talking in the candlelight. so good. and then the episode with the woman at the well. cried a bit. even though I felt so bad, I had this feeling that it would only last a day. so, I went to sleep in that same spot. lol I barely moved that day
on tuesday I woke up and sure enough, I felt so much better. i’m assuming the work day went spiffy. I still took it easy quite a bit during the day. and then h took me to this trail park he’s been loving, it was nice to go outside. I half assed some running. I just felt frail, lol. and then I went to my painting class. at first I felt miserable and wanted to leave. but then things started to turn around, and I realized I was excited about what I was making and all I had to do was keep going. I ate two chocolate cupcakes.
on wednesday, um, the work day was fine. we looked into some things to do in new mexico. I can’t remember much. I think I ran to publix after work to get some dinner. and then we went to marriage counseling, which was good. we talked all about ~communication. and then we stopped at publix and got madi some flowers and put together a thank you card for taking our pictures. and then we dropped it off at the condo.
on thursday, I almost went into the office and didn’t. but I did start working on editing our pics and making a wedding website, and that was actually quite fun. especially the editing part. no one noticed but I made the sky purple. making the pics look the way they do now was actually a process, I enjoyed it a lot. after all that, I got a s’mores shake with h and then drove to cp to pick up my dress. it was a really pleasant place to walk around at dusk/night. I also bough some shoes. and I also found out that my mom was in the hospital. then I went back to the condo to be around everyone, and I worked a bit more on wed stuff. h met me in the garage when I got back : ) and then we sat on my couch and talked for a long time : ))
on friday I worked to get everything ready for a day off on monday : ) after work I went outside and walked around the student-focused art walk. watched some enjoyable class performances. bought an açaí bowl. just wandered around. and then h picked me up and we went to a movie night. juman ji 2 is so funny oh my goodness. I believe that was all.
on saturday I woke up and went back to sleep and didn’t end up actually waking up until 12:30. so the day was very short. I went over to hunter’s for a bit to eat his chicken nuggets and curly fries, and we watched some fishing and cat vids. then I came home and shortly after iv called and we talked for a good while. and then, h and I went to see jesus revolution and it was sUCH a good movie. we both loved it and researched the movement like crazy. that’s a nice little theater. always enjoyable. but that movie though, oh my gosh it was good.
on sunday we went to second service and served w the children and it went so well. then h got lunch with z and I went to whole foods and met up w them after. then we went to buy h a suit and we walked in and found the PERFECT one. it worked out so well, thanks Lord. then we came home, and just a bit later we went to the condo, which was also a nice time in my opinion. especially at first. dinner was good too. and then we stayed for a while and did budgeting stuff.
and that leads me to right this moment. glad i’m not working tomorrow, i’ve got a full list of tasks to do instead. I think the word of the moment is compassion. explanation to follow. chao!
I do not understand how such a powerful, supernatural being could be loving. I do not understand how something so beyond our comprehension could be anything other than morally neutral.
And yet, I see evidence all around me that it is true. A happy toddler. The way a kitten melts my heart. A pink sunset. The monogamy of flamingos. The way that even sex creates some sort of spiritual bond with another human. It all points to one thing.
Spending enough time in the secular world will cause you to believe that animals came first, and love came after as some sort of evolutionary response. But the truth is that love came first, and animals came after.
My corrupt head cannot even fathom that love is the root of existence itself. Before time, there was a loving god. I do not understand that. And yet, I can tell that it is true.
time for a pictorial life update BABY
it’s been a while, so we’re going all the way back to october
we carved pumpkins with friends. and then we put them on our heads, but you’ll have to take my word for that part
naples botanical garden with mom 🙂
bass pro scavenger hunt date night. plus chickfila ofc. bass pro on a weeknight is something special. we bought our first christmas decoration : )
and here it is
family hockey outing. this was the day I sported my brand new jacket
did a bible study about the life of mr rogers and it rlly inspired me. i’ve been thinking about work again more recently as well. i’m grateful for this flexible job in a crazy time of hurricanes and wedding prepping, but i’m quite certain that it will soon be time to leave. an out-of-comfort-zone change is ahead. at some point.
a quaint sistergiving this year
(ok, i’m being way too thorough with this. there r so many good memories! i’m gonna skip ahead)
we did a weird thing to my car
this was so much fun!!
(ok I need to do some skipping ahead. thanksgiving was fantastic. we spent the first half w my fam in the condo (and did a 5k) and the second half w h’s fam. and the next day din w his mom. a rlly gr8 weekend)
(the christmas season was wonderful too. unique due to the hurricane. one of my favorite memories was hot cocoa and movies with the sisters + boys. also going to the decked out house with hunter one night. and the xmas eve service. and watching the princess switch w h one night lol. ofc I say it was great, but house reparations were also exhausting and stressful for my parents. so a mixed bag I guess you could say.)
we thought we were hilarious
house
COLD!!!!
hiking…
AHHH THE PERFECT DAY!!!!
AND SUDDENLY, EVERYTHING C-H-A-N-G-E-D.
the rest of the TN trip can only be described as football, hiking, bonfire, happy, in shock, johnson city, family, anticipation, PALS
(I think I had a birthday shortly after. what the heck did I do that day. I think i’m 25 now but that sounds wrong)
g + m’s wedding. so fun
THE VID HAS NO MERCY. now this came down at an interesting time. we were in the middle of the post-engagement shock what-the-heck now phase. and then all of a sudden I was crying to h on the phone bc I was scared and knew I needed him. sometimes God shows us that he is taking care of us by making us sick.
: )
i’m running out of energy so i’ll stop there. the past few weeks have been great as well. sometimes it’s stressful, but the weekends are great. last night I was a little discouraged bc i’d been wfh all day and also doing wedding planning stuff. and I just felt so in my head and alone by the end of the day. then I watched an episode of the chosen, and it happened to be the one about the wedding at cana. and it hit me that God loves weddings, and abstinence is something that god honors in incredible ways. jesus literally saved the party by creating more wine—he provided what they needed. and god told me that he sees me, and that it’s all going to be worth it. yes, a wedding is about two people, but it’s also a place where God performs miracles. that’s pretty incredible. what a privilege to be able to have it at a church. ok that’s all goodnight
I feel like the first time I ever wrote blog post was the moment my life actually started. obviously that’s not true. but it’s the moment I started paying attention.
I love young meg (and here, and here). I can’t believe how much different life was four years ago. I lived in georgia, with trees. it’s amazing just how much we don’t know where we are headed. makes me realize that two years from now, who knows what our lives will look like. which is scary at first, but then it’s a reminder that we were never in control to begin with.
I didn’t see the youngness in what I wrote back then, but now I do. I was discovering things that seem obvious to me now. and I overused words like ‘shizzle’ and ‘cray’ loll. I was making whatever I wanted, because that’s what my professors told me to do. graphic design had endless possibilities to me. it didn’t mean making email spam and sitting through thirty minute meetings about “process.”
I think i’m still an optimist, but life is so different now. the lessons are different, but i’m so glad i’ve grown old enough to learn them. Corrie Ten Boom wrote,
“Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives is the perfect preparation for a future that only He can see.”
i’ve quoted that on here before. i’m so glad I started this blog, so that I can go back and see the evidence of how true this quote is. in hindsight, it was all leading to something. things came full circle…and they still are, in ways I won’t be aware of for a long time.
as nice as it is to be nostalgic, I know that life is just as good now as it was back then—actually even better, because now I have lived even more. I get to take all of the memories with me. and i’m smarter lol.
and my faith has grown, even though I hadn’t realized it. the more experiences I go through with God the more I learn about him, it’s incredible actually. it’s like how marriage changes as you both age – it becomes a different kind of love. a deeper kind.
so all that to say, change is good. inevitable. maybe a little bittersweet. but also exciting. and God is always with you. he’s setting up every step. growing up is good too, because over time you are blessed with more responsibilities—like being in a relationship—and your life becomes a part of something bigger than yourself. thank you Lord for orchestrating my life.
it’s the list we’ve all been waiting for. here we go. I miss this little blog spot.
I don’t know how to sum up 2022. I know that God was in all of it. lots of intensely good things happened (like falling in love hehe), also some intensely hard things (like the hurricane). maybe this song sums it up…
joy comes, tears fall. i’m learning there is beauty in it all—it’s not hard to find it, you just have to look.
I pray I never stop looking for the beauty in it all.
<3, meg
the amount of shallowness and twisted truths out there has broken my heart today. narcissism and vanity disguise themselves as moral superiority, justice, and a woman’s right to “choose.” but control is always an illusion. and all sin leads to death. we are broken, selfish individuals. the only way to find the meaning of life is to acknowledge that fact, and to let go of control. I have no idea what kind of trauma any celebrity has gone through, the sort of fear that michelle williams may have felt when she realized she was pregnant for the first time. i’m sure it was terrifying. but the part that breaks my heart is that she celebrates her decision after. there is no grief, no solemnity, no acknowledgement of the weight—of how horrible the situation was. only boasting of her right to be in control of her circumstances. to delete the consequences and move on. but control is always an illusion.
i’m reading old posts from around winter of 2019, when had just graduated and moved here.
I had forgotten the excitement of moving to a new place and discovering it all. even your own new house feels like an unfamiliar mansion to explore. it’s so much fun, starting afresh. and hard.
as nostalgic as I am for that time of being a fresh little college grad, i’m so glad that is not me anymore. I am so glad for everything since. I was so confused when I first moved here and had no job or plans. I had a lot of aimless dreams and prideful goals, but I could have never, never predicted what has turned out to be. it really is true that we are not in control. thank god for that, literally.
“the artist who is a christian, like any other christian, is required to be in this world, but not of it, we are to be in this world as healers, as listeners, and as servants”
“to be a witness does not consist in engaging in propaganda, nor even in stirring people up, but in being a living mystery. it means to live in such a way that one’s life would not make sense if God did not exist.”
“i’ve long stopped feeling guilty about taking being time; it’s something we all need for our spiritual health, and we often don’t take enough of it”
“or maybe, like me, you feel a great contradiction, a great tension between what you believe in the belly of your soul and what you create in your art, and for the life of you, you can not see to reconcile the two”
-madeline l’engle
the older you get, the more you realize how much the world sucks. I wish I weren’t writing that because it sounds negative, but sadly it’s true. it’s like humans can’t catch a break. people catch bad habits that hurt themselves and others; pandemics destroy communities; storms wreck the homes of fifty year olds. we have fights with the people we love most in the world. girls sit at computers in their homes for eight hours a day to make money, and it’s not their fault, they didn’t do anything wrong to get to that point, that’s just the way it is. children go hungry…
I want to know why god has left us here to deal with this horrible earth. why he hasn’t come and saved us yet. why do we have to go through all of this crap, this ache, this hard life. I prayed that he would answer this for me.
and he did. he told me that the answers lie in this giant book he left for us. in Ecclesiastes, where the wisest man in the world said that everything was indeed meaningless—all of our toils, all of our wisdom…
For in much wisdom is much vexation, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow.
commentary: Wisdom is a mixed blessing: to gain wisdom and understanding is to gain a clear view into the tragedies of life in a world marred by sin.
Eccl. 1:18
(that’s exactly how I feel!)
but then, he concluded that “there is nothing better for them that [humans] should be joyful and do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God’s gift to man.”
He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end
commentary: Despite the repetitiveness of the natural world, the Preacher can see that God has made everything beautiful in its time. The problem is that God has also placed eternity (that is, a sense that life continues beyond this present existence) into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. The Preacher thus realizes that both his desire to understand all of life, as well as the limitations on his ability to do so, have been ordained by God.
Eccl. 3:1
the answers lie in Job, where a blameless and upright man lost all of his seven children, his animals, and his servants; and then woke up with sores all over his body. at one point he was so dismayed that he lamented his own birth—his own existence in this difficult world.
Why is light given to him who is in misery, and life to the bitter in soul, who long for death, but it comes not, and dig for it more than for hidden treasures.
Job 3:20-21
his friends try to explain to him why God allows suffering, but none of them are correct. and then the Lord himself speaks to Job. in a whirlwind He explains how incredible the world is, how powerful God is, how intricately and majestically He manages all things, and how much we do not understand. in short, we live in a complex amazing world that at this stage is not designed to prevent suffering. Job is out of his league in questioning God’s just-ness. God invites him to trust in His wisdom and character.
the answers lie in Psalm 22, where David feels alone and as if none of his prayers have been answered.
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest.
Psalm 22:1-2
but through the whole song, David’s description of his suffering is intertwined with a song of worship.
Yet you are he who took me from the womb; you made me trust you at my mother’s breasts. On you was I cast from my birth, and from my mother’s womb you have been my God.
Psalm 22:9-10
in conclusion, the Lord answered me. He answered me far more thoroughly and quickly than I expected, and I am in awe of him and very grateful. there is so much in this giant book—answers to questions I am often too faithless to ask out loud.
in conclusion, I am not capable of understanding all of the Lord’s ways. but despite the fact that suffering exists in this world, so also exist beauty, complexity, majestic-ness. there are so many amazing elements of this life. though I may suffer at times, in this life it is best that I enjoy all of the gifts God has given us on this incredible planet. eat and drink and take pleasure in all of my toil. so, in any season, this is what I will do. I will bask in the good parts, and in the beauty of all creation.
I love you, Lord ❤
“don’t be afraid. from now on i’m actually gonna give you a purpose for the things that you’re passionate about”
“what god calls you to do he equips you for”
tonight feels different. it feels a little bit like everything is falling apart. and I can’t possibly handle any of this alone. but it’s also nights like these when I really have to fully rely on god. it is nights like these when god feeds me and puts me to bed, and then directs my next step in the morning. it is is nights like these when David wrote his most beautiful psalms. I suppose on this side of eternity, we need nights like this from time to time. to reorient us. and remind us that we are always, always being held and cared for, and that He is working all things for his good, even as as we sleep.
hello world 👋 I muse often on the timing of things, because it has always been one of the areas where I see god’s work so evidently. on that note here is a list of some of the things that have occurred in the past month. a little photo timeline if you will. ok without further ado here we go.
on september 17 we took the ferry to key west. playing cards on the boat ride. scooter-ing with hunter through the streets of this wack town. hiding in a key lime pie shop when the rain started to pour. walking back to the boat in the flooded streets. we thought it was unfortunate that we had chosen such a rainy day to go, but as it turns out, we chose the perfect day to go. because now due to the storm, the ferry has suspended service. i’m so grateful god allowed me to use the ticket I purchased two years ago before it would become impossible. literally the last weekend I would’ve been able to go, that is cray.
this was from a random run I went on with hunter that was rlly nice. sept 19
the next weekend we went to tennessee. hiking. driving through pals. talking with nana and papy. visiting davy crocket’s home. gathering buckeyes. jumping on hay bales. discovering a waterfall oasis. sharing beautiful moments. it was a perfect, most carefree trip. there is so much more beauty within my hometown than I have realized. I guess this really was the calm before the storm, lol. it was nice to share the rest of my life with h, felt very right.
and then of course, we thought H might be dying so we spend the night in the ER right after we returned to fort myers. perhaps this too was the calm before the storm. sept 27
then the hurricane event began. but I want to always remember the time cooped up in the house the two days leading up to the storm. because those two days were very unique. a little overwhelming and emotional and strange and tense. but also significant.
(the storm happened, we know this. too much to dive into.)
then in a turn of events we traveled to georgia for gabby’s bachelorette. fun, emotional, humorous, beautiful, good 🙂
pleasant memory ❤
many continual house things.
post storm beauty. this is the definition of the word ‘sublime’
returned to work, difficult to focus at first. sleep + health deteriorating. still a work in progress. doing much better tho. surrounded by loved ones. certainly want more time to pray + meditate.
we went to lakeland. oct 13-16. always pleasant & good. we did a whole lot. almost got a cat.
(pause) ahhh I love memories : )
an evening w h and his mechanic paper. this was actually just supposed to be a photo of the sunset.
karaoke night, with the nineteen year olds i’ve gone hiking with more than once
a pleasant night with my three favorite people, plus two other boys.
and that brings us to today. this morning, we sat in the truck for one last time and paid our respects to something worth taking a moment to remember and be grateful for. then we painted our pets. and now i’m sitting here on the couch, I just bought some cannolis from dhop because I feel like I should allow myself to do that once a month. the sun is about to set. life looks much different than it did a year ago but I am so incredibly grateful for it. I am so glad that god conducts my life, because reality is truly better than any grand dream i’ve ever had. in spite of the storm.
shalom ❤
“am I going to be okay?”
i’m sitting here in the er waiting room after a few hours of sitting snuggled next to hunter. they finally took him back and he finally talked to the doctor. his lung x-ray was clear. now he’s getting some bloodwork and an ekg to check his heart, and then some more bloodwork in two hours. it’s been a long night. it’s been a long day actually. it started out with a pleasant morning at a coffee shop in jc and a 9:30am lunch, and then a long airport trek back to fort myers. and now it’s 12:45 am and here I sit, covered in a face mask and a hospital blanket, staring at the ceiling mostly (it feels weird when I close my eyes), and getting excited every time hunter texts me. apparently there’s a hurricane on its way to eradicate the state of florida. that seems like a problem for tomorrow, or maybe wednesday. sitting here is making me think back to all of the other times i’ve visited a hospital. when we took dad to the emergency room in texas because of his terrible heart burn after getting an endoscope. when we stood outside where I am right now and waited for kenzie to be released after her wreck. when I took anne to her breast cancer check up. always lots of waiting, and uncertainty, and a little fear. I was just remembering the time I fell and hit my head when I was five, and how odd it must have felt when my dad saw all the blood running down my face. I remember him picking me up and taking me back to the house. I didn’t know why at first. then I noticed that I was getting blood on his shirt, and I remember apologizing for it. i’m sure he said something along the lines of ‘it’s okay sweetheart’. I wasn’t really scared. he tells this story in sermons a lot. apparently I looked up at him and asked, ‘daddy, am I going to be okay?”
when I thought about that just now, it made me cry. picturing a five year old little girl looking up at me and asking if she is going to be okay, oh man. in hindsight I think I wasn’t scared because I never once looked in a mirror. I never totally knew what was going on lol. it’s so much harder when you’re the one who has to decide what to do in an emergency, and when to even decide if something is an emergency. I hope I always remember being curled up next to hunter under that thin hospital blanket, looking out from our corner of the waiting room at all of the hurt people around us, and then leaning against each other as we tried to sleep. just the two of us. there was something precious about that moment. like when I was five and my big eyes stared up at my dad who was holding me. something precious about being young and uncertain and even alone. worried before god, looking up and asking the father if we are okay. and when I think about all of this, I feel joy even here.
“That’s the really great thing about learning it really is like a snowball effect. the more knowledge you have, the easier it is to learn more things. so it really is a spiral upwards”
“answering easy questions is not simple”
“that’s what will happen if you analyze and repeat something over and over, and you need that commitment to do that stuff for three/four years without any returns or recognition”
“golden clouds exist”
As I sit here on my bed at 6am in my pajamas and this giant cozy robe kenzie just gifted me (I feel like i’m wearing a cloud but I can’t say I love the image of me wandering around my house in a giant robe like batman or something), I am having many thoughts.
that is it for now. i’m so glad fall & winter r coming. I want the theme to be comfort, joy…& maybe robes?
ps; this song is actually amazing
I was at panera the other day and a few feet in front of me this table of women holding babies was doing a bible study. at the end they shared their prayer requests. one woman said that her kid went into anaphylactic shock at a football game and they think he has a nut allergy but they don’t know how severe it is because the allergist won’t see him until he is one-year old, so to pray for that. almost every woman asked to pray for rest. it made me think about how sacrificial being a parent really is. you’re not tired because you’re busy with hobbies and fun social outings, you’re tired because you’re constantly trying to keep a kid alive. it seems hard but apparently just because something is hard doesn’t mean that it is bad. some of the best things in this life are hard. it’s almost as if we were made to take care of people, and to work hard. and doing these things makes us appreciate rest even more. all of the chaos that comes from loving others is actually the most fun and exciting part of life. it comes with sacrifices, but the more you live the more it becomes so undoubtedly obvious that the sacrifices are worth it. well I guess that’s all.
I think that maybe sometimes god guides us to do things simply for the sake that they will make for good stories. so that people’s eyes will get wide and their faces will look amused when we explain to them what happened. sometimes the mess is worth the experience, and I think that god understands that much more than we do usually.
some scrambled thoughts from a brain that has not sorted itself out in a while.
i’m having trouble knowing where to begin. I don’t know how to sum up what life has been like recently. I didn’t think a quarter life crisis was a real thing, but maybe it is? it’s such a privilege to be able to even have one of those – to have the time to think, to doubt, to consider your own livelihood. it’s like when peter was walking on water and then took the time to overthink what he was doing, to get scared and to doubt – it wasn’t necessary at all. in fact it sort of hindered everything. it’s hardly ever beneficial to repeatedly reconsider ever step god leads you in. it’s honestly the worst.
I don’t know what this weird phase is. this phase of wondering about graphic design, about art, about where I am going, about what I am good at, what I should focus on. it seems that every little fad or passion or interest that I thought defined me doesn’t actually matter like I thought I did. like, maybe I love art and maybe I actually don’t. maybe sometimes I will and sometimes I won’t. apparently that does not have anything to do with my identity. apparently all that matters is that I am a child of the lord, and that’s all I have to be. maybe I really won’t ever be a master at anything, but maybe I don’t have to be. like, that’s not actually a requirement.
moses was slow of speech. timothy was timid. gideon doubted. matthew’s job sucked. but god forced them all out of their comfort zones. and he used them to be a part of something bigger than themselves. there is something so important in being personally incapable of the task god has given u.
so I guess it’s okay to be confused. it’s okay to not be the best and to not know anything. it’s ok to be quiet at first. it seems like god just sort of equips u with the experience and qualities u need and he just works it all out.
it’s been an interesting time. I guess i’ve been growing or whatever. it feels weird. idk how else to put it. like i’m still orienting myself. sometimes I get scared about things, sometimes I have extremely mixed emotions about things. but I think that i’m like…slowly…like becoming wiser. sometimes it’s hard to know when to be patient and when to act fast. but maybe I am the one making it hard. I don’t really know if any of this makes sense at all. I want to start writing on here more so badly. I feel a bit like a squirrel who hasn’t stopped to just sort of pause and collect his thoughts in a while. I don’t know why I said a squirrel. I think i’m going to start recording sweet little moments I have on here. because i’ve had so many lately, and I want to be grateful for them always. I love to write. I mean this post sucks but in general I love to write. also, I think lately I have forgotten that my purpose in life doesn’t have to be directly related to my job. I want to circle back to post grad meg that god spoke to so clearly. safe haven. 🙂 also, I am learning that it rlly is tru that christ makes u whole. like, it takes time. like basically a lifetime. but it gets better and better. healing rlly is plausible. it’s amazing. 🙂 I have also been thinking about the concept of sacrifice lately, like I haven’t realized that I’ve been thinking about it, because I haven’t used that word, but I am. I think that the fullness of life rlly begins once u kinda surrender all of ur own expectations & possessions. and embrace the ppl and circumstances that god has placed in front of u. even if it is outside ur comfort zone.
ok. I have a lot more to sort out in my head & spirit but ima go journal about it later bc my brain sleepy.
I miss this space. I haven’t written much on here of late. it feels weird bc h has the link to it now lolllllza. but this is my happy place I want to write on here more. tonight I’ve been reading old posts from around a yr ago, when I was still figuring out living alone and writing a whole lot because I…had the time? lol. a year ago was such a good time. right now is a good time too. super different but so good. 🙂 🙂
it’s crazy how much can change in a yr. I like how much this blog changes w the times. last yr I was writing a lot of sappy things. this yr i’ve written a lot more bulleted lists. last yr at this time I was making soooo many journals for my first craft fair. that was fun. well, I also hated it. it was fun tho. and I had just gotten my little bby Assie. awwwwwww. that was back when I still thought it was funny to call her Ass. I went through that period where I listened to the song Brandy on repeat for quite a while. I also started my first collaborative playlist that was epic. it was a good time at work, too. e and I got rlly close. the fruits of the holy spirit were prevalent. this was also around the time I started seeing a counselor. bc as great as things were I was also not healthy in some ways. ladjflakdjflkdjf. But in hindsight I will always be nostalgic. Ephesians 11 from the MSG version was like my favorite chapter at the time. I was also prettyyyyyy lonely at times.
And now, here are some thoughts and quotes from loved ones from the recent times.
the end. chaoooooooo
🙂
🙂
Sometimes I stare at my exposed brick walls and look around my home-for-one and sit on my giant bed alone and think, “I’ve made it. I’ve arrived. I have everything I want.” And I feel incredibly grateful and blessed in that moment. And then I wonder, “So, what do I do with the next 60 years of my life?”
It seems that everything my 17 years of school taught me and every job and goal I’ve had for myself has lead me to this place, this career, this life of going to work and eating what I want and maintaining my appearance and dabbling in all of my hobbies. I am blessed that God has given me everything I have ever wanted at such a young age. I’m enjoying myself so much. But I’m also able to see now that maybe there is even more to life.
When you spend six months decorating a home that only you get to enjoy, it starts to feel a little pointless. When you spend hundreds of dollars on a cat who barely loves you back, it starts to feel a little vain. King Solomon back in 900 BC had every physical thing he could ever want, and he felt a similar way. Meaningless, he called it. Every single thing under the sun was meaningless.
He concluded this:
“I perceived that there is nothing better for [mankind] than to be joyful and do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God’s gift to man.”
You can be such a well-developed human being on your own. But if you don’t have love in your life, you will never reach your full potential. How could you? Love sharpens; it heals all wounds; it elicits selflessness, and it evokes all sorts of innate gifts you didn’t realize you had. You think you know who you are, and then you realize that you could be so much more, if you just let go of all of your own ideas and embrace what God has for you.
There’s a particular idea that marriage and commitment and being in some sort of domestic role is inhibiting, boring, for the almost-dead, to be avoided for as long as possible. But I see now that if my mom hadn’t chosen my dad and moved across the country with him three times, she never would have reached so many people. Sure I’m pretty good at living alone, but maybe I’m not supposed to. Perhaps being in love has made me the most empowered I have ever been.
every good and perfect gift is from above. coming down from the father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
god is the father of the sun. he is constant light. and every good gift he gives us is truly good, and only meant to be embraced by us. he has no ulterior motives, and he won’t let you ruin it.
the minute peter started doubting he started sinking. he made it so much harder for himself, because he doubted the good thing before him.
i’m having trouble developing complete paragraphs right now. but my point is this: keep walking.
: ) Ahhhh god is so good
it’s your own feelings about life that you put on paper
and other notes.
something I have learned recently is that living chaotically and undisciplined will end up harming the people around you. even if you think you have great intentions. it seems that neglecting your own spiritual health and sanity will always result in you making a mess. it makes you susceptible to so many things…apathy, pleasure, vanity, negligence. horrible spending habits. awkward interactions. ad libing the gospel message to a group of children. clinginess. overthinking. codependency. guilt. you know, it’s really terrible.
it’s terrible how quickly us humans are able to ruin a good thing. and by humans, of course of mean myself. I have been so blessed in my life. I owe it all to the Lord and of course I know that. but do I steward the good things he has given me well? not always. and honestly, that’s probably the only thing God wants of me—to steward his gifts. if I do that, if I just tend to the things God has given me with love and kindness, then of course, everything will go according to his will. that is my only part. to treat every blessing with love and kindness and patience. and to do that, ironically, I must first admit to myself that all of those things are not mine to begin with. I must release them. not try to control them. only care for them. if that makes any sense.
Lose yourself for my sake. Herin lies the paradox of the road less traveled. We finally find ourselves when we lose ourselves for Jesus’ sake. And how do we lose our lives for him? By investing all that we are and have for him and his gospel. By saying to him, “Here is my home, my checkbook, my talents and gifts, my brain, my heart, my hands, my feet, my mouth. Here—it’s all yours. Use it all to glorify yourself and further your purpose on earth.
I wish I knew where this was from but it’s just on a random post it note that I didn’t cite
: ) I remember going into work 2 yrs ago w no idea what I was doing in life & in the literal day to day job lol. I never expected working at this particular place to leave such an impact on my life but here we are. just gotta ride the waves. all works out for his good somehow. it’s so amazing in hindsight. mkay. chao.
something I noticed back when I used to trail bike a lot more was that usually on the day when biking seemed way harder than normal and I was getting super frustrated, what was rlly happening wasn’t that I was getting worse—I was actually getting better and simply realizing my own limitations that I hadn’t been skilled enough to be aware of before. and always, the very next time I went back, I would do really well. those hard days always meant that I was on the brink of a major improvement—that I was growing, even if it felt like the opposite in the moment.
I think i’ve been going through a similar phase in life of late. for the past few months i’ve felt like I haven’t been growing much—like things have been unnecessarily rough & i’ve been doing everything wrong. but tonight I was going through the journal I started about five months ago, and there are so many good things in there. I really have learned so much during this time. and even though the lessons are harder, and i’ve made mistakes and gotten frustrated and worried a lot, I truly have become a more mature & more honest person. and if this is anything like biking, the fruits of this labor will become apparent around the corner.
in these moments of discouragement and jaded-ness, the Lord is often teaching you more than you know. and he is certainly pleased with you. he never forsakes you, even now. trust that he is refining you for whatever is ahead. that is all.
it’s 12 am. I didn’t get everything done that I wanted to. but i’m so sleepy. but i’m also so happy. and grateful. so many good moments of the past two years. I am in awe
amen
life has been very good. but a little oversaturated. and way too much worrying & not enough chill happy prayer trust God meditating on His word & words day & night. I have learned much about myself of late. many good lessons about being mature and interacting with others etc. there are parts about myself that I miss tho. I miss making things. I miss writing down quotes and verses and words and every single thought I have on post it notes. I miss being spiritually stable enough to be able to express precisely what I am learning in life at a given moment. I don’t meditate enough. or just think about what it is that I’m thinking, who God is, the meaning of life, the greater good, etcetera. these things are a lot but they make me my best self.
I don’t want to make a list of all the things I feel like I should be doing. because I know that has to be unhealthy or something. God doesn’t think in terms of ‘shoulds’ and ‘measuring up.’ Or at least not in the way I do. He has made it so we live life in seasons. I can’t focus on all the things i’m not doing right now, if all the things that I am doing are what i’m supposed to be doing at this time, if that makes sense. it doesn’t probably.
but lately I *have* been thinking about all the things I feel like I should be doing. or all the things I feel like i’m doing wrong. i’m not disciplined enough, I should have more savings, sleep more, be tidier, serve more, talk to my mom more, reach out to the ppl around me, make more things…
most of these things would be good things to be doing. I think that my problem is that i’m out here tryna do them all in my own strength. but I have to rely on God. I have to come to Him first. everything else would fall into place so much better. why do I forget this so easily. I can’t keep trying so hard to be disciplined. self control is a fruit of the spirit, not the result of my quote-working harder. everything would fall into place. if I only sought Jesus before everything first.
well. this is a relief. it’s an epiphany that i’m grateful God is allowing me to have at this time. thank you Lord for your constant-ness. thank you for the blessings You have given me. I pray that you would enable me to share them with others, in whatever way You have intended. I love you. amen.
Sharing all of the things I used to do alone and all of the places I used to go alone with another person feels so strange at first. I have this weird fear that if I share these things, that person won’t fully appreciate them, or I will lose my special possession of them. It’s so scary, to be vulnerable. and open. To tell someone about your favorite moments, your insecurities, the places you go to feel safe, even the things you are passionate about. The random epiphanies you have at work. The things that God is teaching you. It all feels so difficult to share. or at least sometimes it does.
I think the reason behind all of this is a fear that I have of losing myself. Of losing part of my life for the sake of another person. In a country where individualism is worshipped and everyone’s out here going on journeys to ‘find themselves,’ losing oneself seems like the ultimate offense to my identity. But then I think about what Jesus said…
Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.
Matthew 10:39 niv
Love starts with God. And it seems that in order to fully love God, I have to give up my own life—to consider myself dead.
I think that in our culture people get easily scared about becoming too invested in a relationship and stunting their own growth as an individual, but in a relationship that is christ centered and healthy, it seems that true love actually does require some sacrifice. A literal ‘giving up’ of one’s life.
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
John 15:13
Also, this:
^it seems that being able to share these things with another person (or people) is actually the greatest blessing of all. wow. that’s v beautiful.
“People don’t know anything about you until you tell them.”
—Mom
“I doubted if I would ever find my road, I didn’t know if I would ever find what I wanted to do or what I was even good at, but it just ended up not being so important.”
“All you can do is do your very best at the moment.”
“Maybe, I began to think, I was just an average person. It made sense—it wouldn’t be a term unless many of us are. And it’s funny because it was only by accepting that possibility that I found my path. I stopped trying to be the best; it was liberating. Because the journey became about doing what I could with what I had.”
sometimes the worst case scenario isn’t actually bad. it’s just a change of course.
don’t be so set in ur ways that you can’t accept change I guess. when the time comes that I have to give up my black cat & exposed brick apt I hope I do it willingly. the things in life are very ebb & flowy. catch & release. nothing truly belongs to me. it’s all a gift : )
when u have no expectations everything is a pleasant surprise.
receive & release. live life in seasons. yada yada
“by no means has this surmised everything that has occurred…”
christmas is coming. life is good. I know that it is so good. i’ve also witnessed a lot of anxiety around me. fear, exhaustion, loneliness, confusion. a lot of it is among people who seem perfectly fine. evil and angst seem to creep up in even the sweet times. in the times of great blessings. we live in such a broken place.
I think that’s where i’m at right now. that juxtaposition between such a great blessed happy time and the chaotic self destructive panicked uncertainty. just floating here in the middle of it all.
i’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we are all prone to self sabotage or destruction to a degree. it’s hard to give up those little security blankets that make u feel safe or in control but are actually killing you.
my cat has fleas.
Just as you’ll never understand the mystery of life forming in a pregnant woman, so you’ll never understand the mystery at work in all that god does. go to work in the morning and stick to it until evening without watching the clock. You never know from moment to moment how your work will turn out in the end.
Eccl 11, msg
We are going to be fine.
mp 