“By pretending that we are ‘positive vibes all day,’ we deny the validity of a genuine human experience.”
the thing about the summer here is that in addition to being summer it is also rainy season. this means that nearly every day, the air gets very humid and the sky becomes some weird tones and it seems like everything is about to explode. and then suddenly rain breaks loose for twenty to thirty minutes while the sun keeps shining full glair. but the thing is that after it rains, everything around you becomes tinted this golden blue. and the sky looks amazing.
u see, sometimes after a sun shower, things become even more beautiful than they would have been if the storm had never happened. and even though things are eternally different now, I think that they will be very beautiful. in a unique way. in a blue-toned, unique to sw florida way.
I didn’t realize it, but I love running. letting your thoughts fly by, passing pretty views, moving your body, escaping, using the food you’ve eaten for its actual purpose. making use of your body. it’s so healing. I think that one of the reasons i’ve been a bit down of late is that I feel so cooped up at my desk & trapped in a phase of cleaning & organizing, and I haven’t been out just to run & move. but twenty minutes into my run today, everything already felt better. and clearer. and free. maybe I do rely on running to feel better about myself, but I also rely on it to feed my soul. and clear my head. and enjoy my health. and what a lucky scenic route I have. this pic was taken the moment I realized the sky looked like it was about to rain and started to turn around. I think I get a little confused with the difference between vanity and taking care of myself. i’m still figuring that one out. but today it hit me that running really does seem to heal me a little bit. it always has I guess. everyone has a set of hobbies or places that make them feel like themselves. i’ve solved a lot of probs while running. had some of my deepest cry outs to god. felt all of my feelings. it’s nice because you are physically moving in an escaping way and that sort of metaphorically happens too. ❤
lots ahead as always just a lot of change at once of late
I have so much to say. life has been saturated w a lot of things lately
- first of all, youthful angst. v into the angry girl aesthetic trend at the moment. it just feels so on point & real I love it. life is gritty & a roller coaster and the so called nice girls feel it too obvi. all of the assumptions we make about each other r wrong. let’s just all be upset & disillusioned together. humans feel deeply. we all do
- speaking of angry girls, olivia rodrigo’s new album. what an icon. a hero of our time. but truly as I was listening to it today all of her vulnerable lyrics made me realize that this girl has made art & even tho being so vocally vulnerable like that feels awk & scary & frowned upon, every girl in this country has felt what she feels. she just vocalized those honest feelings. & it’s rlly actually admirable. expressing those emotions & truths via art can actually save souls. it’s a bit convicting. makes me wonder if I should make this blog more public. or something
- I think that rlly what got me is the whole idea that we have a little bit of a responsibility to share our unique selves w the world. especially if we’ve been wired in one of those ways
I realized today that this blog is one of the only places in the world where I feel like my true self. maybe everyone feels this way, or maybe i’m bipolar or something, but I feel like in so many places i’m hard to read or putting on a persona or just being reserved or interacting w people to put up with them. I feel like sometimes, I have to put on a persona just to be a normal functioning social human. I mean I guess that kind of makes me sound like a sociopath. but I just mean that it’s really hard for me to express my inner self in an immediate moment. & I feel like part of who I am is just a person who is able to interact w different ppl in different ways. become someone else according to the environment. I mean all humans do that to an extent. anyway. it’s nice to have a place like this where I can just sort thru myself w/out worrying about any perceptions of me. even a lot of my social media presence creates this image & I don’t even know if i’m real
- the song ‘brandy’ has been on repeat or a few weeks now. I just really feel for brandy. she’s chilling at this harbor town & everyone loves her but she’s waiting for that one thing beyond the harbor that she can’t have. that lonely longing. poor girl.
- I moved out. still going thru the adjusting & running around & having no routine or furniture phase. it’s been a time. but I always get like this for the first month or so. just rlly out of it. & in a sleepless/junk food/discouraged/gahfkajflasdjflasdf kind of mood a lot. but it’s fine. i’ll figure it out or whatever.
- i’ve spent so much money.
- lately i’ve been preaching to everyone to trust their gut. I rlly do believe it. especially if u have good intuition.
- v fond of waves at the moment.
- been feeling v strongly about a fresh start lately. & burning bridges. sometimes a clean slate is just nice bc life gets really gritty & oversaturated especially if u r living in the same place for a while so the current clean slates in my life feel v right.
- i’m just ready to spend a whole day in bed I think. & maybe go for a run. I think those will be the two things I do on sat. I just feel like i’ve been running around so much lately & I just need rest so my health can get back on track. I believe this is accurate.
just very amazed at everything that has happened locally personally globally & in life over the past yr & few months. one of my coworkers once said to me ‘if I got everything I wanted, my life would be shit.’ I have to agree. my deepest brandy-like longings couldn’t have gotten me to where I’m at now. & i’m v grateful for it. grateful in an overwhelmed & slightly afraid way.
trust the process.
I was going to clean up after myself but then I realized that I didn’t have to. & that I really wanted to leave everything there exactly the way it was. ❤
I didn’t expect how much I would have to answer for myself when I got this place & how much it would get to me. all of the “wow look at you, how independent of you, how did you get a place like this, it must be expensive…”
just so many questions. and judgements. & some of it is really sweet, but I feel so many eyes on me about it. I feel like suddenly, so many more people are watching me. like, ‘look at little meg she just got an apartment downtown and she’s living alone the audacity. she’s living the dream look at her she’s so lucky.’ like, it’s just so weird. a lady at target the other day called me an independent woman. I was buying towels and she asked if I was moving so I told her, and then she asked it I would be living alone & she was like ‘wow good for you, respect, an independent woman.’ it just felt a little strange. like, I mean, I guess that’s what I am. but for some reason it feels wrong to say that.
tonight I asked dad if I was trying to grow up too fast. and he was like, no not at all. you’re just on track with where people before your generation used to be at your age. that made me feel better. I just feel like so many ppl my age are still working at coffeeshops & living with their parents & on their parents’ insurance plan & yada. & part of that is due to covid. but some of it feels so strange. to have so much coming together at this age. maybe that’s just how growing up feels at any age? it just feels like a lot of my friends don’t relate to me anymore. like somehow I soared ahead. but I guess that’s not completely true. I have friends who live with their boyfriends. I guess that’s similar. but it feels weird that i’m getting such a good place, & i’m living alone.
I guess, really I just feel too blessed. like i’m excited about life & it’s all too good. like why to I get to have it so good. & why do I feel embarrassed about it. I just feel a lot of eyes on me. especially at work. & it’s strange. it’s strange to have such a good life outside of work, & then to go back to work, & be around ppl who I am just so different from. I used to feel left out, but more & more I’m realizing that I like myself & I like doing the things that I like, & that is completely good. & half of the time, I am having so much more fun. & today I was telling dad all of this and he was like, it sounds like you are doing great. sure, ppl might be paying attention because u are different, but that is completely fine & there’s really no pressure there.
the other day k and I were talking, and I made a joke & said something like ‘he’s too cool for me. i’m not cool, i’m better than cool’ and she was like, I actually agree with that. I love that so much. not the fact that she agreed, but just the whole idea that there is something better than being cool, and it is very colorful.
I guess the reason these things bother me is because i’m not doing any of this to impress people or prove myself. i’m just doing it to enjoy myself – because I really want to do it – & so it bothers me that it’s catching so much scrutiny. hmm. I actually wonder if this is one of the first things i’ve done in a long time simply because I-me-myself-me wanted to. I couldn’t tell u the last time no ego or uncertainty or social media has swayed my decision. this just feels so right to me personally. & I don’t feel a need to announce it to anyone other than myself. I mean I do, but not to brag – more to just like to celebrate bc i’m so excited. I guess a lot of growing up is no longer needing the approval of others, because you like yourself & have learned to make decisions that your intuition wants. & somehow, those anonymous, quiet actions end up speaking the loudest.
what a nice picture of how testimonies work.
sometimes I feel weird when ppl question why i’m living alone, & I feel like there’s something wrong with me for being so okay with being alone. I crave it so much. but that’s just who I am. I need that time to gather myself, to make things, to just think & be. it’s what makes me who I am, to be honest, it makes me the version of myself that is able to get along with others so much. the inner life is vivid. & that’s what is able to shine out.
I feel like these past few months I’ve learned a lot about my personality. i’ve learned that all the quirks & things that I thought were wrong with me – they have shaped me into the creature that I am, and instead of being ashamed of any of it, or feeling like i’m not quite as good or capable as everyone else – I am completely free to just be myself and to do the things that I personally want & interact with others in my own unique way. not all people will mesh with me…but some will actually be drawn to me for my behavior. a lot will, actually. u learn all of these things with time. through all of grade school I thought so little of myself because I was quote-shy and didn’t speak much and didn’t seem to have as many friends as anyone else and I just remember feeling so much less competent than everyone else in everything. the truth is that I just didn’t know how to express myself yet. I prayed so much that god would take away my ‘shyness’ – I thought that I lacked bravery or something. I thought I was a coward and that was why I was so socially incompetent. looking back, it makes me want to cry. because little meg truly did hate herself. oh gosh. this post has taken a dark turn lol but I think i’m onto something here…
I did hate myself. I remember that now. And in high school after I moved I didn’t want anyone to know how incompetent I felt. So I thought if I looked skinny, then I would look like I had my life together. And people would not question me. This was the distinct ‘logic’ I remember thinking at the time. lol. I haven’t dug into my high school self in a while. how the heck did I get here.
anyway, that’s how the eating disorder started. yada yada yada, eventually something switched and I became a more social person. & I started to like myself more, I found a lot of passion in studying art, and I grew out of some awkwardness. & suddenly I felt like I had to make up for lost time, & I never said no to any new opportunity that came my way. I wanted to try everything and go on every adventure. & that’s pretty much the stage i’m still in now. it really is true that once you get your confidence back you revert to being your nine-year-old self. lol.
but anyway…geez that was a doozy. the point I was tryING to make is that I have since learned so much about myself. & I have learned to embrace how different I am, to allow myself the space I need, & to interact with people how I may. most people would definitely not describe me as shy anymore. some would still say I am quiet – it depends on who you ask lol. people say i’m difficult to figure out. I hope that doesn’t mean i’m bipolar. lol.
today I was thinking about where some of my classmates from college have ended up, and how I am here, and how we’re all kinda ending up with the lives that are actually right for us. or we will eventually. it’s really sweet actually, to see things work out so uniquely and fittingly for everyone. life works out. it’s cray.
it just takes time & a lot of trust so much trust.
life refines u, polishes u, strengthens u on its own. all comes in due time.me, feb 29, 2020
how do you eat a potato? one bite at a time.
i’ve been tryna figure out how to structure all the thoughts i’ve had of late. but life’s been extreme & I don’t know how to fit everything right now. so i’m just going to go thru every photo up here and talk about that day.
this was last week I think. I went on a run on monday or tuesday and was just having a fab time and took this pic along the way. that was a fun run if I remember correctly I enjoyed it a lot.
this was last sunday at the atl airport. I felt like I wouldn’t be back there for a long time and I really liked this terminal hallway so I wanted to get a pic.
this was also last sunday. before I went to the airport I hung out w my friend c. we went to a plant shop, which was fun. but it was mostly just great to catch up in person. ugh. the whole trip was great tbh. it’s just nice to have friends u have history with, ya know, and to talk to them again
this was on one of the worst days of my life. it was already a horrible day and after work I went to panera to supposedly do a horrible freelance job and stress about getting enough players to show up for our soccer game that night. it was awful. so many thoughts & worries & grieving going on. but this was the moment I remembered that u have to eat an elephant one bite at a time. so I decided to take things one bite at a time for a while.
this was actually that exact same day as I was leaving panera. there was a sunset in the street and I wanted to remember it
this was the friday before the last two images, which were from the monday after. it’s a work bathroom selfie lol. it was the day of my annual review and also the first day of the horrible awful, which wasn’t related to my annual review. many many mixed emotions
this was a few weeks ago on a friday I took off work and got my hair done and went shopping and got my dress hemmed and many many things. I was so young back then sigh
now this was actually the thursday before the friday that the horrible awful started. I was on a run and then just started speaking my prayers out loud and I looked like a crazy person but anyway, I just started praying for everyone I knew or something. and then I got to myself and was literally like, well, I don’t know what to ask for. I just felt very much like I had done everything I wanted in life already and was v grateful in that moment. I was ok with just hiding out & retiring in the ole fort for the rest of my days. and then I saw my name in the sidewalk, and I was like, wait that’s really out of the blue and I know megan is a pretty common name but still this must be a sign. so I took it as a sign that god did indeed see me out here. and it was really comforting. and then I asked god for some drama in my life. he did not disappoint. I must say
this was a few weeks ago at our second to last soccer game. that sky. always
this was at k’s wedding. it was so beautiful.
so this was actually the first apartment I saw when I sporadically decided to look at apartments. it was the week of the horrible awful but here I was with my parents and my rabbi looking at apartments. this one was a dump but something felt right about the situation too. after we looked at this place I had dinner with my parents, and it was rlly pleasant.
this was that same day after dinner at the top of a parking garage. that sunset timing sigh. I stood up there for a bit and thought about the horrible awful and the next chapter of life & how much I rlly do love the fort. and I think that was when I decided to delete social media too. sometimes a fresh start just feels nice.
life’s been a lot. I feel like I haven’t seen or spent time with local friends in a hot sec. there’s just been so much other going on. but I feel like the next chapter is about to start. & things are going to get into a groove again. it’ll be good. much ahead as always. and so many pieces i’m leaving out. but this will do for now. mkay. chao. for now
many many things. eep
2 yrs ago. look how tired I looked. those eyes. yeesh. the cray thing is that for all of college I was like that & didn’t even realize how much it was affecting me. I haven’t slept much this past wk, and i’m realizing how much of a diff it makes. I feel like this girl again. tired running around cray meg. in some ways it’d ridiculous but in a lot of way I love it. that freedom. independence. not yet a mature person. figuring things out. so free. i’m so excited for the things ahead. it rlly does take a yr to get acquainted.
❤ muy excited.
for some reason it always catches me off guard how real the water looks when i’m on the water.
today I rode in a kayak with my rabbi, which I haven’t done since like a year ago. it’s hard not to be all nostalgic and to think about where I was a year ago to where I am now. i’ve literally had a job for a year. lived in fl for a year. been a college graduate for a year.
covid has been in the us for a year too. and with it so many other crisis and tragedies. a year ago I was just coming out of my spastic graduate panicked melodramatic unemployed phase. that was such a good time looking back. I thought it was the worst and was always on the verge of panicking, but now I would give quite a lot to go back.
i remember sitting at home alone on weekdays applying for jobs like crazy. wondering what every other person i’ve ever known was up to. feeling very alone. and scared honestly. in a very clinging mood.
I remember hopping around from starbucks to starbucks and crying at parks in the middle of the day and going on runs all the time. and always thinking so incredibly deeply about things. I learned a lot during that time, really. I learned so much. and I cling-ed to all of it.
in short, I learned a lot about god. I learned that he can fix every little thing I break. I learned about redemption. and his timing. it’s typically slower than I expect or want. typically always pretty much. I learned that even when i’m not patient, I will end up having to be patient. I guess in a way I learned to trust god.
and then, the week that covid caused fl to shut down, I started my job. and my friends got kicked out of college. and other peers lost their jobs. and I was amazed and humbled and dramatically overwhelmed by all of the timing.
over the next few months I started to learn more about myself. what my habits are, what my strengths are, my weaknesses. how others perceive me. I learned I have a tendency to use people, when i’m true to myself i’m very good at making people open up to me, i’m not very good at planning things or keeping a clean room, and i’m incredibly independent. I learned what exactly about me draws others to me, that I don’t need to be deceptive about who I am or what I like, that i tend to be mysterious and hard to read which is both a flaw and one of my best qualities, and I will always be most effective in other people’s lives if i’m being my sincere and honest self. the way I live my life is what will help make others think about their own.
anyway, I thought about all of these things on my kayak journey today. and my rabbi reminded me that even though it’s been a whole year, this season will definitely actually not last forever. i’ll like go out and live my life and it won’t be so closely tied to my family’s. everything has been so easy here, getting acquainted and whatnot. what’s next I don’t know.
some day i’ll remember this time as the time I lived in this cray beach town and healed and learned so much and grew up. I feel so much older than a year ago. I mean I live with my parents again, but somehow i’m still more mature. i’m like kinder I guess. less confused. in some ways. being in college was a precious time. I see now how much I didn’t know. but it was still sweet. post grad was fun too. & the here and now, sometimes it’s wobbly, but it’s also fun. I just want to spend the next few months reaaaaaally paying attention, bonding with my mom, and learning as much as I can.
one year down and (hopefully) a long way to go. worried about the future significantly less than I usually am right now. I wrote this post two and a half years ago when I was a jr in college and thought I had ruined this boy’s first impression of me and didn’t know what job I should take or something. I was so discouraged. i’ve felt that way a lot in the 2.5 years since. but i’ve also been so incredibly amazed at how things have worked out this far. paying attn to your life makes it seem incredibly real. more real than sometimes we remember. it is always worthwhile to pay attention.
“out of the universe there’s a hundred percent. 85 percent, u know, they don’t know what’s going on. 5 percent do and wanna tell everybody and there’s ten percent to do and they don’t want the other 85 percent to know. I think he was part of that five percent. I think everyone is sent here on a mission a mission to find themselves and to find out what their purpose is and to fulfill it.
this. I need to remember this for the yr. truly. prophetic in a way. cray.
sometimes it just hits me how much has changed in the past two yrs of life. grateful for so much, but if I could go back I would. even though I was an idiot. pre covid, pre adulting, pre car problems & angst & feeling all of this pressure to be successful. pre watching your friends struggle. pre strange awk drama. pre horrible hatred & resentment & ache. pre being humbled lol. life is so gritty now. life & relationships get more and more gritty over time I guess.
one of the profs at sfca says ‘you learn in the light what you’re gonna need in the dark.’ ya we can’t go back to those easy times. but we can remember them fondly & let them carry us thru whatever grit u find yourself in ahead. take whatever moments of light you receive & allow them to create u into the person u need to be. sometimes you’ll get to spend a few yrs watching sheep & playing the harp. & sometimes you’ll be forced to face giants or maybe hide from evil kings tryna chase u down. both v character defining experiences i’d say. where am I going w this.
just treasure the nostalgia. embrace all the longing feelings. never b afraid to feel what you really really feel & let it hurt you. admit to your ache. & then cope with it. to feel is to be human. or something like that.
occasionally u have one of those moments where you realize something that you knew before & seems like obvious knowledge but it hits you all over and feels like this earth shattering truth. like when mack heard the words ‘choose grace’ and thought they were the most profound words of all time. I mean they r but anyway.
my moment was five minutes ago when I was listening to revelation song and then had a revelation. lately i’ve been reading & thinking a lot about art & spirituality and what it means to be an artist & how to know what to make yada yada. and i’ve realized that basically everything i’ve tried to create recently has been in an effort to serve my own ego or prove I can do something or impress the people watching me. i’m making things for the approval & praise of others really. I just want them to think i’m amazing. i’m making everything just to serve my own ego.
and then I was like, that’s horrible. I mean it’s an easy trap to fall into but it’s awful. so what does meg actually want? who am I? what are my actual, natural, non-influenced tendencies and intuitions? what do I want to make? slash pursue. what are even my strengths? if no one was watching, if I knew I would receive no external glory, what would I even be doing? what do I want.
but tonight my revelation was that…the reason I cannot slash don’t need to answer that question is because art/creating at its core is a form of worship. I am not making art for others, nor am I making it for myself. I am making art for God. so what does God want?
how can i worship him through the act of making? that is the question. gah what a realization tonight.
this isn’t about any self glory or ego boosting. it’s about giving God the glory. here I am tryna get ppl to idolize me, basically, which is horrible but honest ew, worship me practically, when I’m supposed to be turning everything around and worshiping god. my art shouldn’t point to myself but to the lord. the lord. oh man.
glad for this truth. hits hard. and is such a relief. even though I am now creating for the creator of the universe, somehow it takes the pressure away.
making is a form of worship. that is how i have to look at my life my career my art my relationships for the rest of my life.
it’s like what rene and I said today. everything starts with pursuing god. or nothing is more important than the pursuit of god. something like that. so true. lord I want to pursue you and worship you more. so that’s what ima try to do. lol shepherd david phase where in just chilling & writing songs.
ok. that’s it. chao
life is really hard, crisis is everywhere. & there are a million voices to listen to and it’s v exhausting. we live in a strange time here in the us of a where everybody values that boss grind hustle be productive life. but at the same time we’re supposed to practice self care & take moon dust & get the gains & whatnot. & with all of these conflicting voices marketing and telling us how to be that glorious best version of ourselves, everything turns into an overwhelming mess of insecurity & lonely self absorption/arrogance/denial.
ya work hard & be healthy & enjoy it. but there is also so much value in sacrifice. & love. & pursuing something for the rest of your life for the sake of something beyond yourself. something u may never get to fully understand. there is so much ache & hope here, & life is too short. & the stakes are high and low at the same time. I realized recently that most of my new yrs resolves were about my physical appearance/health & none were about improving my character. pft dumb irk.
so i guess in conclusion, seek truth. that absolute realness that guarantees a fulfilling life. it’s hard to cling to sometimes ya. but it always exists in the safe havens.
- “I remembered how to abandon control, to give in to the notion that my writing might take me places I wasn’t ready to go or (worse yet) speak things someone else wasn’t ready to hear”
- “the things in my own life that inhibited me from serving my god through my art because I was too absorbed in serving my ego started coming down too”
- “or maybe, like me, you feel a great contradiction, a great tension between what you believe in the belly of your soul and what you create in your art, and for the life of you, you can not see to reconcile the two”
- “i’ve long stopped feeling guilty about taking being time; it’s something we all need for our spiritual health, and we often don’t take enough of it”
- Listen to the silence. Stay open to the voice of the Spirit.
- a recurrent ache in the hearts of all god’s creatures
- safety is only an illusion
- “it is a frightening thing to open oneself up to this strange and dark side of the divine; it means letting go of our sane self-control, that control which gives us the illusion of safety”aq
- that which is impossible and probable is better than that which is possible and improbable (aristotle)
- cosmos in chaos
- “and as I listen to the silence, I learn that my feelings about art and my feelings about the creator of the universe are inseparable. to try to talk about art and about christianity is for me one and the same thing, and it means attempting to share the meaning of my life, what gives it, for me, its tragedy and its glory.”
- the artist must be obedient to the work
- “but when the words mean even more than the writer knew they meant, the writer has been listening. and sometimes when we listen, we are led into places we do not expect, into adventures we do not fully understand.”
- “as long as we know what it’s about, then we can have the courage to go wherever we are asked to go, even if we fear that the road may take us through danger and pain”
- “to be a witness does not consist in engaging in propaganda, nor even in stirring people up, but in being a living mystery. it means to live in such a way that one’s life would not make sense if God did not exist.”
- the more words we have, the better we are able to think conceptually
- “people are zealous for a cause when they are not quite positive that it is true”
- “there is nothing so secular that it cannot be sacred, and that is one of the deepest messages of the Incarnation”
- “when the powers of this world denigrate and deny the value of story, life loses much of its meaning; and for many people in this world today, life has lost its meaning, one reason why every other hospital bed for someone with a mental, not a physical, illness”
- “the artist who is a christian, like any other christian, is required to be in this world, but not of it, we are to be in this world as healers, as listeners, and as servants”
sometimes I get so caught up in how great things are going that I stop realizing that the subconscious thoughts i’ve had since I was fourteen are still there. they’re like second nature at this point. a little voice that’s always present and always silently guiding my decisions. I don’t even realize it anymore. I suppose that’s how addiction is for all of us.
things are going great, everything seems fine. I don’t even think twice about skipping a meal. or arriving home late so I miss dinner. or manipulating all of my schedules & plans to avoid meals with other people. it hit me tonight that I do these things. that i’m doing these things constantly. that the little voice in my head hasn’t gotten quieter, it’s just become so normal to me that I don’t even realize it’s there, and that it shouldn’t be there, and how much it is truly controlling what I do with my days.
every day I evaluate how full I am and whether or not I should be upset with myself and try harder. there’s a perfect little balance between being just satisfied and slightly hungry and that’s the mark i’m trying to constantly hit. and when I do eat sweets, or lots of carbs, or feel full, it makes me sad. it makes me want to stay up all night and try harder the next day.
i’m constantly resetting the fasting app on my phone, telling myself that now that i’m so full I won’t eat again for another 20 hours. or 36. I never hit the mark so I just update the start time. every chance i’m home alone, I go straight to the scale. tryna sneak to weigh myself, just like I used to do at the gym my last semester of school. I just find so much security in being under a hundred pounds. extra safe if i’m at ninety five.
I eat a lot more now, but i’m constantly thinking about it. and not enjoying it. every time I eat chips, i’m sad afterwards. I eat sweets, but I regret it later. in a lot of ways, i’m doing better, or it seems like I am. but the thoughts are still there. the thoughts are always there. I didn’t realize it, but they are. I haven’t verbalized these things in a while, but they are. the reason it hit me today, that these thoughts have been silently, mindlessly swaying all of my actions, is because in pilates class today, the word of the week was forgiveness. and she was like, this week, pay attention to who you are showing forgiveness to, and make sure that you are showing forgiveness toward yourself as well because we are often extra hard on ourselves. & it hit me that I too am hard on myself, everyday. if I don’t feel hungry at eleven pm. and then I thought about it more, about how I used to talk about when I had an eating disorder. & I wondered, hmm did I every actually really have a disorder? I mean don’t all girls pay attention to how they look? maybe I was being dramatic…
and then I realize that I have been literally overscheduling my days to avoid being home for food. maybe things have been worse lately, because i’ve been working out more and being hungrier & adjusting to those changes has triggered something, but all of these thoughts. they’ve always been there. i’ve just been hiding slash managing them better.
and I guess that’s all we can do with our addictions. manage them. some days are harder than others. I know for a fact that there is something wrong with me. but I also wonder if maybe, this is as good as it’s gonna get. the thoughts will always be there, affecting me. swaying my actions. I mean most people have to think about the food they are eating and make healthy choices. the truth is that food affects all of us to some degree. anyone who works out, or adheres to some sort of diet, or does any sort of beauty routine, is working to an extent to control how their body looks. we, or most of us ladies I assume, are all extremely, extremely aware of our own bodies. and I guess some of that can’t be helped. I feel the weight of how flawed this world is, now that i’ve recognized just what has actually been going on in my mind for the past year even still. it’s all incredibly sad. I just wish that I could trust myself to be healthy and beautiful without clutching so hard to what I think I can control. confidence is so closely tied to how small and lean my body is. I don’t know if feeling healthy & confident is even necessarily a bad thing though…
in the end, I think that the most important thing I can do, is to love god and others. I hope I find health someday. I think i’m getting there. the thoughts are always there yes, but maybe I act on them less now. maybe I listen to my hunger cues more.
an anomaly of a day
everything is going to be fine.
i’ve never fully explained the story of these bracelets. so here goes.
many moons ago, there was this guy who was friends w my sister. and one day she casually gave him a bracelet. and he wore it and never took it off. then they broke up. and he kept wearing it.
I don’t know why he kept wearing the bracelet, but to me the important thing here was that if mack had never given him a bracelet in the first place, she never would have discovered how much it meant to him. and he never would have had the chance to wear it. At the time I had this issue with being nice to other people. a fear of rejection or something. but this exchange made me realize that i’ll never know if they’ll wear the bracelet until I give them a bracelet.
you don’t know if they’ll wear the bracelet until you give them a bracelet.
I thought this was a completely romantic and beautiful idea, so I purchased a hundred dollars worth of bracelets. and mack and I just started giving them to people, whoever came to mind. most people were really grateful for them. several people wore them often. a few wore them all the time. it was a test of sorts. to see how much our gift meant to people.
we ran out and I ordered more. we started mailing them to people from our pasts. mack mailed one to a guy in Georgia who had been in love with her. he was struck and drove to florida to see Mack. they had a great time and now they’re good friends.
eventually we stopped caring about whether people wore the bracelets or not and just gave them out with no expectations. sometimes people don’t know what they need, or don’t know they need it yet. we were just doing our part and letting everything else play out according to itself.
what we didn’t realize was that we were just two young girls in the middle of a giant movement of love & motifs & the beauty of living in fort myers florida. apparently these bracelets have quite a following in the fort. they’re everywhere. they’re in gift shops. they’re on the arm of the kayak rental manager. they were on the skinny wrists of emma, who passed away.
After Emma’s passing, her brother wrote her a letter. he said this:
You knew that everyone came from somewhere that we don’t need to necessarily understand, but the most important thing is to listen and to love them.
so if you’ve ever received one of these bracelets from me, you are a part of something bigger than you know, and I don’t fully know about it either. but apparently life is short and there’s no time for pettiness, or for worrying about how someone will react if you extend love to them. you don’t know if they’ll wear the bracelet until you give them a bracelet, so get out there and be the person you were created to be. and don’t worry about the ramifications, because you really have no control regardless. don’t worry about understanding everything, or getting your closure. just be patient, just accept that the supernatural ruler of the earth is all-knowing, and everything is arranging perfectly in ways you might not grasp. trust the timing. live a life for others. & just like cling to truth.
I keep thinking about everything that has happened in the past year of my life. all the people I have met who have changed my life. I thought i’d wanted to move to miami and chase basketball players around. but I can’t believe how many people i’ve met this year. they’re all so great. and a lot of them showed up at riverside at 4:30 this evening. i’m just so grateful for this time, and for everything i’ve experienced. none of it would have happened this way if I had tried to run away & seek some sort of urban ego-serving greatness. so anyway. I am finally discovering contentment. so that’s great. this whole life arrangement has shaped me into a better person. god is constantly creating you. <- let him do it. he knows exactly how to make you who he wants you to be.
soli deo gloria
currently going thru one of those times when I think about tupac a lot. he accomplished so much in his short life. I just want to live with the awareness & inspiration that tupac had.
In the event of my Demise
when my heart can beat no more
I hope I die for a principle
or a belief that I had lived 4
I will die before my time
Because I feel the shadow’s depth
so much I wanted 2 accomplish
Before I reached my death
I have come 2 grips with the possibility
and wiped the last tear from my eyes
I loved all who were positive
In the event of my Demise!
things that have been going on of late…
- two weeks ago I volunteered at this banquet to raise funds for an organization that builds safe houses for adolescent girls who have escaped from human trafficking in the area. tim tebow was there and he spoke. it was extremely enlightening…
- ^ “I am brave because i’ve been broken”
- mack and I ran a half marathon about three weeks ago. it was greatness
- I have quit drinking coffee and the withdrawal symptoms are terrible. my head feels awful all the time and my brain is foggy and it’s the sort of lethargy that u only get when u r experiencing withdrawal from a drug know what I’m saying
- life been really busy lately but completely of my own doing so oh well
- it’s all fun but all exhausting
- I joined a pilates studio, a soccer team, picked up some additional design jobs, i’m tryna make some books for ppl, be social. go on dive trips. fish more. there’s just so much to do and so little time in the week
- it’s a good season though. a fun little chapter
- I feel like i’ve been learning a lot about myself lately. who I am, what my personality is like, what i’m sincerely good at. my natural instincts. it’s been a lot but I think that’s just the season i’m supposed to be in right now. it has been nice.
- i’m really craving a day of isolating myself from the world. but life’s been too busy to allow it lately. maybe i’ll take off a monday.
- caffeine withdrawal though. this week has been harsh.
- i’ve been working on some fun projects lately. I feel like art is slowly entering back into my life and it is nice. like I took a little break to become a fisherman but i’m back now.
- I miss reading.
- two days ago I stopped by a farmers market after work to meet up with a guy who wants me to design some salsa jars for him. and all I could think was, wow this whole situation is a movie. how is my life so pleasant and resourceful.
- really though. there are so many connections here in fort myers. the kind of reliable ppl and connections that ppl dream of having for their entire lives. and it’s all sort of fallen into my lap.
- ^so when does it become time to leave all of this convenience and support and start over. or is it ever time?
- i’m just realizing that the longer I live here the more invested I become. in some ways. in others I guess the opposite is true.
- life happens in these temporary seasons one at a time…
- lately i’ve been thinking less about what’s next and just enjoying the present. which is good.
- climbed a tree recently
- naples is such a pretty place.
- I think that next week my goal will be to lean into the holy spirit more. get some truth back in my life. life’s been fun but a lot to digest
- red hair has been good for this time
- realizing that every gift or talent or aspect of my personality wasn’t given to me to boost my own ego but to be passed around & interacted with
- we were made to admire each other
- the stakes in life are high & low at the same time
- “what are you doing to make people think?”
– old man at a dinner party
- this next paragraph is gonna be a lil rambly…
- I think that for a hot while I wasn’t insecure but I just didn’t know who I was really & appreciate myself or whatnot. & I think a lot of it was because my identity was suppressed by this weird body dysmorphia & the loud people I was around. & sometimes to get over all that identity suppression, god will make u go through a year of wandering around & learning about yourself & seeking affirmation from a thousand places & then being ultimately affirmed by yourself + your creator. and in time u realize that u like who u are & u are having so much fun just by going your own way. and then once u are finally completely satisfied & no longer seeking any sort of acceptance from any other thing or person or idea, u r finally ready to share yourself, and use all those god-given gifts & qualities with no fear of rejection. it’s like what kenzie was saying.
- i’ve learned a lot. but I think this has been the ultimate lesson of the past year.
- satisfaction can’t come from knowing the answers, it has to come from trusting that god is real and his plan for humanity is more epic than I get to understand right now.
- things are going to be hard moving forward inevitably at some point. but I hope that I remember how true all of this is and how steadfast I am able to be if I trust god & my role in the bigger picture that I am a part of.
- sometimes god tells us to be quiet. but sometimes he tells us to be loud with accountability.
- so yay to self love or whatever lmao such a trendy concept with deeper implications than any of us realize.
- thank you so much god
ppl always have to have some sort of enemy to blame for their troubles. when things go wrong. gotta hate on something. for a lot of ppl right now they be hating on 2020. a quote terrible yr. I know it’s all talk but I find it so annoying. I feel like ppl have been hating on the yr since 2016. & it just seems to me like some sort of pussy shallow close-minded hippie shit. like, crisis is always rampant in the world whether it affects u or not. & I know that a lot of tragic life events happened for a lot of individuals this yr…so many job losses, lotsa covid deaths, moms dying of cancer out of the blue. but what kills me is when companies start using this mutual 2020-hatred-thought as a marketing gimmick. so many ads are like ‘yeah 2020 sucks we right there with u & next yr our product yada yada yada we r relevant.’ I hate that. I hate all of this mutual group misery. I mean I get it. it’s been a stupid few months. but i’ve been hearing complaints about how much life sucks since the 2008 recession. it’s like the entire globe is this 14 yr old girl who just moved homes and doesn’t know how to cope with change & she’s seeing her old home & life thru these rose colored glasses & it’s just not true. life has always been hopeless. always. just miserable. under the sun. and that is how I feel. I just wish I knew what to do to help the child that doesn’t get any of those sweet little pockets of hope & love to offset everything. the one that is starving on the side of the road. this is literally happening atm. & every few decades the developed world gets a wake up call. that life is actually terrible. life is the same story over and over. disaster strikes, everyone is united against a common enemy, & ppl get nicer. every plot of every story. over and over and over. ppl just tryna get to their happily ever after. everybody’s seeking a fresh start. a second chance. yr by yr. that toiling cycle. so where else can u get that hope. where can u get hope that doesn’t run out by april, hmm? this I ask u.
full circle. : ) always
I thought long and hard last night about what I should make you for secret santa, and I have decided to give you a long post listing all of the best parts of 2020 and our time in the Loft. Think of this as a digital encyclopedia of sorts. A place to go for reference and comfort. Hearing about Ravi Zacharias tonight, and experiencing the semi-sad Christmas Eve plan B service, and thinking about how many things have gone wrong in the world of late, it seems that the best gift I can possibly give you right now is hope. Despite all of the global despair, for some reason, you and I have found ourselves in this little God-gifted safe haven right now. And I think that it is important that we remember this, even if we do not yet understand why we are so blessed in this moment. We have to pay attention to the good, and to highlight it, and share it with others in an innocent way. That is your power, Mack, as a sincere believer and slave of Christ: your honest witnessing of the ways that God cares for you. So without further ado (adew?), here goes.
“Some of the best moments of my life happened in 2020.”
- Angry Playlists
- The I Dream of Genie Dance Recital
- The Prayer Wall
- The Bracelet Ministry We Accidentally Started
- Collaborative Workspace
- Shelf Wall
- My Weird Post-Grad Moody Phase
- High School Graduation
- The Ukelele
- Gelly 94.1
- Uhmaze Bowls
- Your First Semester of College
- The Chicken Phase
- When I got a Job
- Panera Bread Work Seshes
- Your Pine Cove Interview
- Madi’s Epic Flower Drawing Sesh
- The Mountain Dance
- Porch Camping Trip
- That Phase Where we Ran A Lot
- Naples Botanical Garden
- Climbing in St. Pete
- Balcony Chats
- Your Orange Hair
- Being Kind to Everyone
- All Our Melodramatic Panic-y Chats, really
- You Meeting with Heidi
- Growing Plants on the Balcony
- Vegan Cheese
- Backwards Baseball Caps
- Watching Church from Home
- Watching Church at Bennets
- Falling Iguanas
- Your Epic Tiger King Choir Final
- Working in our Closet
- Talking in Our Closet
- Your Birthday
- Tyler Flood
- Getting a Record Player
- Staring into Dogs’ Eyes
- Face Masks
- Our Weekly Spiritual Themes
- Helicopter Rides
- Nightly Debriefs
- Developing Film Down the Street
- Full Circles
- Lots of Praying
- Going to Universal
- Love Bugs
- The Hiding Place
- The Drum Set
- Parking Garages
I leave you with this. It’s Bastille’s latest release, created during quarantine. Apparently this was my second-most-played song on Spotify this year, which is dumb. But anyway. It’s like you’ve been saying, all we have to do is live our lives and impact the people around us. And pray endlessly. That’s all we can do. So stay hopeful. Keep believing in truth. And keep paying attention.
Meg (yes i’m you’re secret santa what omg shock I know ta da.)
officially been an adult for a yr now. so much has happened. it’s gone fast but also it feels like I was a little college child so much longer ago. but I am so grateful for everything that’s happened. so much. I rlly can’t explain it.
I didn’t realize how much better and prettier & smarter and funnier you get as you get older. like it gets better and better. & the timeline is so much bigger than any present moment. that’s all
I ate sugar at 2am to stay up to finish a freelance job and now I can’t sleep so here is everything on my mind and my best photos of late.
- well the main thing on my mind right now is how much I regret eating sweets. u know how when u r exhausted your body just tells u to eat sugar. ugh I feel so gross i’m so mad
- anyway. this past weekend was so nice. it was just rlly pleasant. I did so many things and I was even productive.
- but overall life has been overwhelming of late. so much going on aye yai yai.
- it’s come to my attention that being anonymous isn’t a bad thing and sometimes it’s useful for a time. there’s this idea that u have to be known, and idk where it comes from but recently I was at this place and I was thinking about how secluded it feels sometimes here at the bottom of florida but not in a lonely way in like a happy retreat haven way and then that word anonymous came to mind
- I just think that taking some time to be unknown but also completely seen is just rlly nice
- that’s how I feel here. anonymous but completely not alone.
- i’ve also been thinking lately of how many ppl I have met in the past yr of my life since I moved. like I’ve met and befriended so many amazing ppl. there r just so many incredible ppl here.
- I dyed my hair dark brown. no more blonde at the moment. it feels v v right for the current time
- i’m not a pop girl but that jb song about how lonely he was as a kid is rlly touching. it’s gets u. it’s just heartbreaking that ppl have to feel these ways. and that it’s so hard to get a little empathy.
- that’s another thing that came up yesterday. in order to fully understand something, u must become it
- i’ve also recently realized how long term life is. I used to make a lot of extreme statements like I will never blank again. but life is so seasonal and ebb-flowy that I have learned I rlly can’t do that. just gotta say idk and keep going
“I feel like half of freelancing is just weaseling your way around deadlines.”
i’m doing everything wrong
sometimes I start to feel like i’m just being dramatic & life isn’t rlly that great, like I just must be full of myself to think that life here is so much better than other ppl’s typical day-to-day. but then we have a visitor and they literally say quote—I haven’t been this happy in so long. they watch the sunset w us & laugh & have our listening ears, and they literally are in paradise. i’ll say it over & over this place is a safe haven—it’s one of the strongest words i’ve had of late. & we will use this place to lead ppl to peace for as long as we r here. i’m not tryna be dramatic, i’m just witnessing what i’ve seen. ugh.
sometimes I feel like a am just a naive person. but maybe ppl need that naivety. maybe that’s what makes this place so nice—it’s unassuming-ness. there’s enough corruption everywhere else and places with only good intentions are rare. it catches folks off guard. makes them think. nothing is actually embarrassing about having a kind soul.
Back up life plan. I always forget that this is totes an option and everything is going to be completely okay.
I can always run away with a chicken. life is going to be fine.
we decorated the loft for christmas.
these past few weeks have been a lot. but really the truth is that every week is a lot. life is just a lot overall. that’s how I feel. but these past few weeks in particular, I want to focus on those. because they are the most recent. so that’s what i’m gonna do.
first of all, I just read mack’s post. and she said that all you can do is impact the ppl around u and pray. and pray endlessly. it’s a good reminder. that I have no control regarding other ppl. all I can do is to pray endlessly for them. even if I don’t know why I am praying anymore. or if I will ever be a part of these ppl’s lives in the same regard again. just gotta keep praying. I have to believe god puts ppl on the mind for a reason. I guess.
- it’s come to my attention that most ppl in the world have a fear of being alone. because it means that they are alone w their thoughts, and their minds tend to take them to bad places. I think this is incredibly tragic. what do we do with this. I hate this for the ppl I love.
- ^ I know that facing your demons isn’t easy. and it sucks. and sometimes it creates this little panic sensation in ur gut. but without embracing what that feels like, and without coming to that ultimate source to cope, how r ppl ever going to heal?
- ^ it’s tragic. but it’s also tragic that more ppl don’t have the ppl in their lives to love and listen to them in those moments. to be pure, sincere friends that will be with them and make them a frittata and just spiritually nurse them.
- we are called to be those ppl to others. being a follower of god isn’t as complicated as ppl think, and being a sincerely kind person is much rare-er than we realize.
- some sort of epic life story
- the first step of a thankful heart is to acknowledge the source
- we are commanded to express our thankfulness to the people around us
- safe haven
So be content with who you are, and don’t put on airs. God’s strong hand is on you, he’ll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God, he is most careful with you.
sometimes I forget how much peace I have. & I just assumes everyone feels the same way. I mean i’m usually rattled. but I have peace in my core.
- not that life isn’t dramatic. drama is the spice of life tho. but it’s best to refrain from allowing warts to grow.
- ^ that is a long story.
we’re going to be fine
“what is your favorite thing about life?”
Stuck inside a house I built
Locked the doors and closed the shutters
With no strength left to cry for help
I hid in bed under the covers
Stuck inside a shade of blue
Sadness was my only comfort
I didn’t know that only You
Could fill my world with all the colors
This is my awakening
That while my heart was fast asleep
You were resurrecting me
I thought that I would never breathe
I thought the pain would never leave
But You’re redeeming everything
Now there’s a dawn at every turn
You speak to me in new beginnings
A ray of sun to heal the hurt
The music stops but You’re still singing
This is my awakening
I’m never going back to sleep
How could I after what I’ve seen
This is my awakening
There’s color now in everything
Color now in everything
the whole cold-leafy-fall vibe isn’t a thing here & sometimes ppl get upset about it…but there is also a sweetness to the fact that no matter the season u can always rely on that constant warmth. maybe more than pumpkin whatever what u rlly need is a loyal presence in your life. the knowledge that despite what the rest of the world is going thru, whenever u r here you’ll get that warmth & the sun will shine & set. change is good duh. but sticking around for a bit to feel some never-ending summer is worth a few yrs of your life. gotta embrace it while you’re here. the safe haven-ness of it all. so be grateful for that lack of seasons lol. & embrace being at odds w the material associations of holiday marketing. peace comes from the constants in your life.
mkay. goodbye for many moons
life happens six months at a time. april—october
mack says that everyone gets something different out of skydiving. when she went, her tandem instructor was this cool chill hot man who knew just what to say. he was the fearless life guide she didn’t know she needed. so here is my takeaway.
freefalling was gnarly but also very intense & uncomfortable. I knew I was experiencing this amazing thing but was also like, man it’s so cold & this wind is hard & what’s going on with my mouth right now. it was fun and a mess at the same time. a real ‘holy shit’ moment.
We ended up paying for the awful recap videos, and for my freefalling part I chose ‘island in the sun’ by weezer to play in the background. irl, the fall had been chaotic & windy & cold & wild. But when I watch myself in the vid cruising & struggling to the tune of weezer, it literally seemed like this romantic little endearing moment.
and I think that honestly, that is how the rest of my life is going to go. chaotic & emotional & wild, but ‘island in the sun’ will be playing as the soundtrack the entire time. what a perfect picture of the future, i think. it’s going to be confusing & disorienting. but also completely chillax. I feel like this is a promise. & that as long as I keep in touch with my soul, it will be totally true.
the fastest way to befriend someone is to meet them at their ego. lol
welcome to a sincere life update.
hi. I usually just write things here in very cryptic & vague terms so this is me attempting to be explicitly transparent in what I have actually been up to in life.
been doing a lot of fishing lately. not bc i’m tryna catch a giant tarpon or anything, but I just think it’s relaxing and saltwater is pretty. fish are beautiful. my buddy & I are working on documenting all of the fish in SWFL, and i’m going to design a little book about it. I think it’s going to be rlly great.
i’ve been working as a designer for a natural health co for over six months & time rlly flies ya know. i’m really grateful for a job. it’s really the most graceful office job I could have.
i’m trying to save up starting now. six months from now I have this vision of living along the river for a year and painting a lot, and that’s as far as i’ve planned. ahem, life happens 6mo at a time.
I have a lot of creative projects that i’m currently working on, for clients & also lil creative collabs & personal things, but it’s going v slowly bc I have that perfectionist-lazy-artist anxiety that ppl talk about. so I need to work on that.
tomorrow I start training for a half marathon in jan. tryna make a decent ish time.
been tired lately because i’ve been saying yes to pretty much everything & running around like a squirrel so I need to figure that out.
darth and I have been giving bracelets to ppl we care about lately, and so far it’s been making ppl’s days. it’s amazing how much it matters.
that’s all ima say for now.
people undervalue the impact of delayed gratification.
not taking the first thing that offers itself to u bc u r afraid to wait for something that feels right. comes down to trust. really. patience is important too. but mostly it’s about trust. trusting the waves of life & trusting that you are worthy of something that is good & whole. & really all of that sums up to trusting god. don’t settle.
we try to rush our life stories instead of letting them play out in a more complex & beautiful & lifelong way u know. real love takes a lot of time. & waiting. ya know. takes a whole lifetime to strengthen & last. don’t cling to something just to have it. wait until it feels right. stop being afraid that your life won’t work out perfectly well in due time. you have to wait. u just have to. otherwise it won’t age & last.
it’s like wine. u want to chug some cheap stuff early & then not have it in your life anymore. or keep it close by while the grapes weather + refine themselves, & then ferment & age, so you can savor it when it’s time. all i’m saying. have u ever met someone u want enough that you’re willing to be patient for them. all these idiots trying to rush into something out of nothing. it’s overwhelming.
same goes for kombucha.
everyone is just as indecisive as you are 🙃
so when u don’t have a fancy underwater camera that captures night photos rlly the only way to remember a night dive and engrain the amazingness into your head is to write it all down. so here I go. this is what a night dive is like.
So you arrive at the dive shop, check out your flashlight, get on the boat, and set up your gear. Maybe if the captain took a liking to you in the morning he’s already set it up for you and you’re lucky. Then you put the weights into your BCD and your watch on your wrist—but if it’s one of those fancy bachelor watches with dashes instead of numbers you’d better make sure it’s rightside-up and not upside-down because otherwise it’s an issue. Then you sit down, and everybody sits down, and the captains give their spiel and take off.
The sun starts to set. And you’re looking around, people watching, petting the boat dog, & staring at the sky. From all angles. Every skyview angle is some sort of unique painting, and it’s hard not to feel very emotionally raw in that moment and just tell your life story to whoever is sitting next to you. The sunset from the middle of the ocean is sublime.
Dusk hits, the boat stops, you slip on your wetsuit, and your dive buddy helps you put your BCD around your arms and buckles you in. Then you put on you mask & fins and stand up like a heavy little marine man. Your buddy gets ready. You walk to the edge of the boat. Put your regulator into your mouth and breathe. One hand holding your regulator & one hand holding your mask. Big step into the water. Keep breathing. Fiddle with your flashlight until it turns on. Wait for Buddy to hop in and join you.
You stare at your buddy until he signals that he’s ready then you both go down. Or you mess with your BCD until you figure out how to deflate it while your buddy waits for you to join him at the bottom.
Underwater. Now you’re breathing underwater. All you can hear are your breaths, the squeak of your old rental regulator, and the bubbles blowing out of your mouth and swimming away. Breathe in. Breathe out with lots of bubbles. Those are all the sounds you’ve got.
And this is when you start to feel like some sort of underwater Indiana Jones adventure lady. Because it’s getting darker and darker. And you’re swimming around coral reefs, pointing your flashlight at whatever’s in front of you. Nocturnal fish. Rocks. Coral. The colors are so bright.
The darker it gets, the more it feel like you’re in a cave, and the less you can see. Point your flashlight away and suddenly you can’t see a thing in front of you. You are floating in darkness, literally. Amazing.
But if you’re a space cadet, even though you know it’s amazing, you find yourself thinking about something completely unrelated—like your weird aboveground personal life issues. You’re floating around passing fish by, wondering about some random idiot you have a crush on or whatever worries you have about your future professional life.
And eventually it hits you, wait am I really thinking about these petty things right now…look at me I’m in the middle of the ocean in the dark staring at a coral reef with a giant tank on my back…why can I not enjoy this moment lol. And then you try to snap out of it and take it all in.
On that particular night, we had about an hour and a half of bottom time, so at one point we floated to the surface to swim back to the boat & check our air. Staring at the night sky while floating in a giant abyss of ocean is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced in my young life. R & I took a moment & said some nice sappy words about how glorious life is. It was amazing. The moon was a waning-waxing whatever, the stars were so pretty, and lightening was flashing some section of the sky in the distance. We swam-waddled back to the boat and took a little breather. Drank some water. Then hopped back in and swam past the reefs to a small sand clearing.
We got on our knees. Held hands and turned off our flashlights. So dark. Pitch black on the ocean floor—can you picture this? But the night sky was so bright and we were shallow enough that our eyes readjusted a bit to slightly see. We waved our arms around like crazy people. And bioluminescent plankton appeared. Little sea lightening bugs.
What a thing to see.
Water is so wild. Like, the fact that it covers most of our planet and there’s this whole world living in it. I mean it’s amazing. None of it makes sense when you think about it. Why is it here. Why is any of this here.
Anyway, I am a lucky child. I don’t know why I get to be healthy right now. I really don’t deserve to be. I don’t know why I get to live here. But I just hope that I can shove all of my little insecurities aside and give away-slash-invite everything-slash-everyone in this life that I am supposed to. Because at the end of the day, nothing matters if you don’t share it. I met a crazy old lady while in the Keys this weekend, naturally, and she told me to never stop having dreams—just keep having dreams, even if I don’t know how they will work out. Just have them. She said that life is meant to be fun not miserable. She also highly recommended pole dancing for sport.
okay. that’s my epic diving story. voila.
lots went down in the Daniels shopping center today apparently.
it’s so easy to forget that literally all u have to do is ride the waves as they come to u. & wait for them to come. & ride the other ones that r coming along as u wait. u can’t worry about these things. u just have to sink into what u r supposed to be learning at the present moment. not what u want to do or want to learn. just look at what is exactly in front of u. don’t stress it. & pursue it. those nudgings & thoughts & steps will come at the right time. if u r keeping in touch with your soul slash spirit. everything will be okay. trust the promises. trust the full circle promises. stand in the sunshower. mkay. that’s all.
so easy to forget these things & turn into a nervous naked snail. or a squirrel.
lots of fishing & florida storms & chatting w ppl making good friends beaching & painting & waiting & rene & fruit & wandering around & planning things & water talk & bait discussions & wave riding to be honest. & tryna obey god & whatever. & putting names on rocks & whatnot. & watching things come full circle & just thinking about circles really. full circle. eventually. amazing. fishing & figuring out what u r fishing for & what bait you’ve been gifted with. august was a lot tbh. changed me. lots of sat mornings & tanning & talking about plants lol. & face & hair masks. & darker hair too. changed i’m telling u. how much can u change in thirty days
“there are two types of 22yr olds: the ones that hang out w 18yr olds and the ones that have three children.”
“As he died to make men holy, let us die to make men free”
This was written by a lady abolitionist named Julia Ward Howe in the middle of the civil war.
Being a martyr isn’t like being an activist. It’s different.
“I awoke…in the gray of the early dawn, and to my astonishment found that the wished-for lines were arranging themselves in my brain. I lay quite still until the last verse had completed itself in my thoughts, then hastily arose, saying to myself, ‘I shall lose this if I don’t write it down immediately.”
Ugh life is ancient.
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord;
He is trampling out the vintage where grapes of wrath are stored;
He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift sword,
His truth is marching on.
Glory, glory, hallelujah! Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Glory, glory, hallelujah! His truth is marching on.
I have seen Him in the watchfires of a hundred circling camps;
They have builded Him an altar in the evening dews and damps;
I can read His righteous sentence by the dim and flaring lamps,
His day is marching on.
He has sounded forth the trumpet that shall never call retreat;
He is sifting out the hearts of men before His Judgement Seat.
Oh! Be swift, my soul, to answer Him, be jubilant, my feet!
Our God is marching on.
In the beauty of the lilies Christ was born across the sea,
With a glory in his bosom that transfigures you and me;
As he died to make men holy, let us die to make men free,
While God is marching on.
most renditions say ‘let us live’ instead of ‘die.’ but I like die better.
what would you risk your life for? like literally. not to feel better about yourself. just because u sincerely care enough. I want this sort of conviction. but I actually probably don’t. but then if u don’t have it, then rlly what is the point of life. but so many of us do not have it. right now. we’ve lost that ancient perspective of the fact that life is a crusade, really. ache & cruelty is like literally rampant & we forget it. I don’t know if god wants me to have a happy life. I rlly don’t. i’m expendable, ya know. & I know ppl r always like, the lord has plans for me yada yada yada. & when they say those things they r talking about their precious college majors or career goals or future spouse or whatever. but idk if god rlly actually cares about u getting your fantasy wedding. know what I mean. I think the evangelical church in america has in many many ways become some sort of ego serving self help hour. & I get it. & obviously god cares about every little detail of your life. but the timeline is so much bigger than those details u know. & maybe instead of living the american dream he wants u to go die for something. I don’t know. that doesn’t mean much coming from me, rlly. i’m a naive child girl. & I don’t know a lot about death. but i’ve read about ppl who literally risked their lives for the sake of others & I just can’t imagine having that much conviction & compassion & sincere belief in truth & god & eternity & all of that. okay. that’s all. goodnight.
“how would you want to be treated?”
“sometimes you’re like so sage and wise, and then sometimes you’re like a little squirrel coming into the world.”
“I have to go the cops think i’m a missing person”
all of those little nudgings and urges and thoughts that pop into your head come full circle eventually. if you have enough peace u see it. that’s why u have to take it all one step at a time. the path lights up piece by piece. until one day u can look behind you and see exactly why everything played out the way it did and why you couldn’t know everything at once. ride each wave as it comes to u. & listen intently to the nudges in your soul. we are weaving our lives together.
when I first moved here I wanted to leave pretty immediately. & I started interviewing for this cool job in miami. but then one night in dt ft myers I was watching this street singer. & this beautiful old lady with long blonde hair was standing beside me & she was singing along and swaying and her hands were clasped and her eyes were closed. & at one point she paused & turned & looked at me with her big earnest eyes, and she pointed to some other ppl watching & said, those people look sad. we need to tell them about jesus.
& then she started singing again. & as I was standing there in the dark street with all of these fort myer-ans listening to a street singer, this feeling came over me that I wasn’t going to get the cool job in miami and that I was going to be in ft myers for a while. & it felt pretty real, and in that moment I was okay with it. & then I went through with the interview & the call-back interview & I started to want the job pretty badly. & I hoped that the feeling I’d had that one night was mistaken.
that blonde old lady was the prettiest most peaceful woman I have ever seen in my entire life. I want to be her when I grow up. ugh. anyway, the feeling I had that night came completely true. & now here I am. & I can feel all of these life stories playing out around me. & they’re all weaving together somehow even though idk the end result.
I have a lot of stories like that. of things coming full circle. I should write them all down eventually. this is Ruger. he’s helping me watch chickens this wknd. i think ruger hates me. tbh I can’t remember if that’s actually his name.
this is reblogging but like the cool way.
“it’s a matter of saltwater vs. freshwater.”
when u realize you’re a tiny speck of dust. I love it
“u never know if they’ll wear the bracelet until u give them a bracelet”
recently someone was tryna affirm me or whatever & tell me how great I am & he was like, u r complicated & smart & beautiful. and it was sweet or whatever & cheesy & it was my dad ok. but the word that stood out to me was complicated. because he meant it as a compliment. like, it’s a good & special thing to be a complicated person. i’ve never heard it used in a positive light like that before. but maybe good things are complicated. & layered with a thousand contradictions & moods & feelings. simple things r good yea. & some truths r incredibly simple. but there r a lot of complicated things that r good too. & they feel rlly real. maybe complicated is good like a gift. & worthwhile.
“I think I ate half a loaf of banana bread today.”
“bananas r healthy.”
“u can’t dwell too much on the details of life.”
“what’s your bait?”
eeeeep! be a fisher of others.
“the world’s biggest problem is mass self absorption.”
And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives along with the command, the love itself.CTB
“just because you can’t solve all of the world’s problems doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help the old lady cross the street.”
– male rabbi
“never lead a man on unless he owns a boat”
I was talking about that whole cancel culture life recently. & how we have this whole ‘remove-the-bad-vibes-from-my-life’ mindset where we just totally drop anyone who is quote toxic to us or something. that’s actually ridiculous & selfish. we can’t just ditch the ppl who make us feel bad. I was reading this book today, & it was talking about “righteous” ppl, and it said…they always give generously and lend freely.
that whole idea of giving freely is so countercultural. giving with nothing returned. even being meek about it. we have this whole idea that meekness is weakness & pathetic-ness & whatever. but the primary definition of meek is actually to be “easily imposed on.”
ima talk about the christian life for a minute. bc it gives all of existence meaning so I have to. but in the christian life, being imposed on is just sort of expected. u r going to give generously, u won’t get anything in return, u might get stepped on. but none of that rlly matters. bc u have this fulfillment & peace that doesn’t come from monetary or material wealth. I mean it’s true.
there’s this unspoken rule that u have to wait at least a few hrs before u respond to a text bc u don’t want to look desperate or whatever. or something like that. but if u r a kind person, & u sincerely care, maybe u should always be available. & responsive. I mean compassion requires humility & the willingness to sacrifice your preoccupations for the concerns of someone else. at a moment’s notice. that’s love. given freely.
I think that’s part of the key to guarding your heart. it doesn’t mean that u won’t get hurt. it just means that the wound won’t penetrate to the soul. in order to be compassionate & generous, u have to give yourself away, but u don’t have to give up your soul for it. in this christian life, u will have to to risk rejection. u just will. but when your soul is guarded, that rejection won’t cause the same sort of ache.
so guarding your heart doesn’t mean that u won’t get rejected. it means that you are able to be rejected, and be okay with it.
^ that’s actually amazing
so the keys to a meaningful life r to be intentional even to rude ppl & to be unregretably generous. u have to see the best in everyone, to love them. & care. & ache for their aches. bc they matter. i’ve always been a sort of self-absorbed & narcissistic person, but I can honestly say that these past few months I have witnessed this sort of spiritual change in my soul where I actually do care & ache for ppl. so there’s a little testament to the trueness of god for u.
‘guarding your heart’ means being not afraid of rejection. yowza. epiphany.
u never know the impact u have on another person. rlly blows me away. just gotta be urself + be kind + shut up. we gen z peeps act like u can just ghost ppl from ur life. but the truth is that all of these experiences + relationships + ppl build upon one another. we r weaving our lives together. & there is always some sort of permanent impact to it. so where ever u find yourself, & whoever u find yourself with, use your influence. & when I say influence, I don’t mean that u r some sort of superior being. I just mean that every interaction that u have creates an impact. so make those impacts count. don’t be afraid to smack ppl in the face. or push them or be kind to them or just straight up love them. u can get away with a lot more than u realize sometimes. use your influence. u r being watched more than u know. it blows me away. all about that intentionality. I think that’s my new word. but we’ll see. mkay. goodbye losers peace ✌️
“A little rule I go by is…bare naked as much as you can get away with.”
“You are so funny, except when you’re moody, and that’s only when you’re on your period. Actually, when you’re on your period, you’re funny, but not because you’re trying to be funny. But when you’re not on your period, you’re hilarious.”
i’ve decided that I think I really enjoy writing actually. i’m always doing it when i’m trying to procrastinate from other forms of work, know what im saying. & I’m good at it to be honest. & for some reason it’s a lot harder to share with the world than my art or design & stuff.
I think it’s because if i’m rlly being honest rn, i’m a better writer than I am a painter, or a designer at the moment. & so sharing it feels a lot more vulnerable. and words can be so direct, & blunt. & that blunt-ness is also vulnerable. & my art hasn’t gotten to that point of skill where it is that vulnerable & reflective of me yet. ya know.
& also, anyone in the world can put some letters together and say something on the internet, or even in a book, & there r already so many voices out there. it’s like how all of these idiots in quarantine have started podcasts. it rlly gets to me. it’s like how white people take over various ethnic cuisines in america. like how they took over sushi and tacos & made it an urban-white-ppl thing. ugh. mainstream sucks. but that is the consumerist, salad bowl-but also gentrifying world that we live in, & I don’t have answers to any of it. tangent. anyway, having a voice anywhere has become mainstream. and a lot of these voices r shouting. & I don’t want to be another shout-er. & I don’t want to share things not worth sharing. & who am I to share things anyway. know what I’m saying. I mean how many experiences have I rlly had. rlly.
I think it’s important also to realize, that when u need to act, or speak up, often the opportunities will find you. or they will make themselves really clear to you. like maybe, they will appear in a burning bush or something, know what i’m sayin. & usually, they will feel scary & bigger than you. & honestly, you won’t want to do it. when it feels terrifying, & u don’t want to do it, & you can’t stop thinking about it, usually that is when you actually need to speak up.
recently one of my friends said “meg knows just what to say.” & i’ve been thinking about that. & how, especially when i’m writing for myself, I do know what to say. & when i’m seeking into my soul about what I need to say, I know what to say then too. & then sometimes, when i’m freaking out or scared or insecure or terrified of messing up or worried about what ppl will think of me, I have no clue at all of what to say.
& the reason I have no clue at all of what to say when I get that way, is because I let all of these little panic freak out spazzes get in the way of those intuitional spiritual vibes that exist in my soul. & those words r actually a lot of fluff to describe the holy spirit. i’m talking about god. the lord teaches me what to say. it’s a spiritual gift. whenever I lean into that, things go much better. & the right words come out of my mouth. or onto my phone screen.
& I am so grateful for this gift. how peaceful it is to know that I do not have to worry about saying the wrong thing. about ppl not liking me. about being rejected for what I say. because when they r the right words, it will not matter. truth is truth is true.
last night my buddy & I were talking about that question ppl always ask in interviews that goes, what are three words to describe you?, and we tried to think of 3 words that actually rlly did describe us. I told my buddy that she was theatrical, clever, & gutsy; & she said that I was dreamy, wise, & stubborn. I love that. I would never tell a hire-er those things but I love it.
dreamy, wise, & stubborn. suck it ppl.
you can’t stop the waves but you can learn to surf.
no I can’t surf but ugh that’s so good. love it
- world is in a crisis
- work is good
- it’s been extremely rainy. some sort of tropical depression in mexico.
- tryna stay off the grid.
- time management still a struggle
- tryna rent this orange building
- hard times for lots of people
- lots of unease. lots of injustice being brought to the surface. & regret & humility & sorrow & ache.
- kenzie’s listening to bob dylan right now. a timeless man.
- “if u can, you should.” – rabbi
- if u crop these photos just right, u can pretend you’re not on private property:
- the harmonica seems like a cool vibey thing to learn but it’s actually a little gross
- trying to not buy a single thing for the rest of june. except maybe food.
- You faith will isolate you and make you more intriguing all at once.
- um, I think that’s all.
- heyo mack-pru. sup.
I think that sometimes I come across as a little crazy. A little radical and weird.
Back in the 1600’s, people thought this guy named Galileo was weird. He had this rad idea that the earth was actually moving, and he would not shut up about it. The Roman Catholic church was very annoyed with him. They kicked him out, because his beliefs were unpopular and rattled the status quo.
But Gal was so convicted by what he had witnessed through his telescope, that he never let the doubt and ridicule deter him. And it turns out he was right. In 2020 it’s pretty clear that we orbit around the sun.
The point of this post is to encourage you to embrace your beliefs. And to accept the fact that you’re part of an ancient underground movement that seeks to love people and save them no matter how gritty things get.
It’s not going to be easy. There’s nothing easy about claiming to personally know some supernatural world creator that talks to you. That sounds crazy. But it’s also crazy to think that all of this life is the accidental result of nothing. So embrace the hope that you have. Let it relieve you. And talk about it, no matter how rad and weird you may seem. There are a lot of people out there who have no hope and do not realize that things could be better. They’re watching you more than you know.
starting a life detox for the month of june. gonna be rad. rlly rlly rad.
hello. it’s me. wow wordpress this new ui design is nice kudos. mkay anyway. it’s been a while since I haven’t been stressed about linking this blog publicly in my instagram profile. idk y I do that to myself. it makes my posts less vulnerable. less real ya know. less me. which actually leads into what I was going to write about. I was going to write about how sometimes, it’s good to hide. to make yourself less accessible. or noticeable to the rest of the globe. u know what I mean? we live in this culture that’s all about access and connection. being on-line means that u r always on. and we weren’t made for that kind of shit. sometimes u need to be off. to be free of the chains u accidentally put on yourself when you consider other people’s expectations or interpretations of u. I don’t want to worry about what some dude thinks of me when I put something online. but since it’s online, I inevitably will. because the whole point of putting something online is so that other people will see it. that’s the whole point. and when we are constantly looking at ourselves from other people’s perspectives, we begin to forget who we are from our own perspective. our perspective is inside, ya know. we gotta look inside. the actual intentions behind all of our actions are the actual definers of who we are. people say that your choices are what define u. but I disagree. it’s actually the intentions behind those choices that define u. being honest about those intentions can be rlly hard. because the likely truth is that u r actually a horrible self-absorbed greedy person. and most of your intentions r probably manipulative and self-serving. even the seemingly sweet ones.
so anyway my point is that we tend to forget that life happens in these temporary seasons one at a time. nothing last forever, is what I mean. and sometimes, it’s good to hide for a while. just hide out. just let go of all of your connections and appearances and digital lines. and just embrace the people and physical-ness of your immediate surroundings. hide at the beach, if that’s where u happen to find yourself. just embrace it. let go of all the things about yourself u try to control. and see who and what comes to u.
sometime u will need to stop hiding, and to reach out to ppl and seek others and rlly get out there & fight for ppl or causes or issues or whatever. but sometimes u will find yourself in the middle of a desert or beach or whatever, and u will just need to hide-slash-fast-slash-train there for forty days. or a few months or so. take that time to not panic about all the things u might be losing. and to just be open. to whatever u r being taught.
sometimes I forget that I live at the beach. and I get caught up in all the things I might be missing out on. but then sometimes I get these moments of eye opening. and I realize that I love these ppl & this life experience is amazing. and it’s all amazing. and I don’t know why I get to have life so amazing. but I do know that if I trust the waves and allow these roots to grow, this little hiding spot will become a safe haven for the other ppl that god brings into my life. and really, it would be so selfish of me to not allow that to happen. so I have to have to embrace it. and let go of all the things I want to chase after and snatch and force to work out.
^^^re-read this paragraph one more time.
so take out that cactus nose ring and let go of who you think u r, or who u want ppl to think u r. & just allow yourself to be. & be honest about your intentions. & honestly, just see what happens.
that’s all u can do. just see what happens. embrace change so much. & also embrace stationary places. follow through w your purpose. hmm. that’s good.
follow through w your purpose.
recently my rabbi was talking to me about something she did and she said “I hope I didn’t make them uncomfortable…I just felt that’s what I needed to do.” & I think that’s a beautiful statement. It’s easy to doubt yourself when u take an actual ballsy stance on something. But if u rlly feel in your soul/spirit that it’s what you need to do, then u cannot be hard on yourself. u just have to embrace your actions & move on. u did your part. & move on. so good.
“I just felt that’s what I needed to do.” so freeing. when it’s true.
follow through with your purpose.
recently I realized that every other time I’ve moved, i’ve pretty much completely cut ties w the ppl of my past. & this time is the first time i’ve kept in touch. & that is good. & life is about the relationships u build upon one another. & being intentional & keeping up w people & whatever. but I also think that for a bit, maybe it’s good to hide from those past lives. just avoid it for a bit. look ahead.
so that’s my latest plan. i’m gonna hide. hide out for a bit. it’s time. time to hide in the middle of this boat fort. & maybe start writing my novel. for realllllzzzz. I could to it. maybe I will. i’m readddyyyyyyyy. to get off the grid. time to get off the grid. everywhere but here.
follow through with your purpose. but also get ready to sacrifice some things. refine those intentions. refine that heart. and soul.
“We’re all monsters but some people are legit actual monsters.”
sometimes u put on hollister jeans and u realize how good your ass looks so u ask your little buddy to snap some pics when they catch u taking mirror selfies of your butt. thanks mack. u r the best.
“I’m in my prime i’m wasting away!”
“If you’ve gotten this far do you really think you won’t be fine?”