life has been very good. but a little oversaturated. and way too much worrying & not enough chill happy prayer trust God meditating on His word & words day & night. I have learned much about myself of late. many good lessons about being mature and interacting with others etc. there are parts about myself that I miss tho. I miss making things. I miss writing down quotes and verses and words and every single thought I have on post it notes. I miss being spiritually stable enough to be able to express precisely what I am learning in life at a given moment. I don’t meditate enough. or just think about what it is that I’m thinking, who God is, the meaning of life, the greater good, etcetera. these things are a lot but they make me my best self.

I don’t want to make a list of all the things I feel like I should be doing. because I know that has to be unhealthy or something. God doesn’t think in terms of ‘shoulds’ and ‘measuring up.’ Or at least not in the way I do. He has made it so we live life in seasons. I can’t focus on all the things i’m not doing right now, if all the things that I am doing are what i’m supposed to be doing at this time, if that makes sense. it doesn’t probably.

but lately I *have* been thinking about all the things I feel like I should be doing. or all the things I feel like i’m doing wrong. i’m not disciplined enough, I should have more savings, sleep more, be tidier, serve more, talk to my mom more, reach out to the ppl around me, make more things…

most of these things would be good things to be doing. I think that my problem is that i’m out here tryna do them all in my own strength. but I have to rely on God. I have to come to Him first. everything else would fall into place so much better. why do I forget this so easily. I can’t keep trying so hard to be disciplined. self control is a fruit of the spirit, not the result of my quote-working harder. everything would fall into place. if I only sought Jesus before everything first.

well. this is a relief. it’s an epiphany that i’m grateful God is allowing me to have at this time. thank you Lord for your constant-ness. thank you for the blessings You have given me. I pray that you would enable me to share them with others, in whatever way You have intended. I love you. amen.

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