pausing for a sec to reflect on life

lately I haven’t paused for a sec to reflect on life. I told myself I was going to clean everything before I went to sleep for the work wk but now I feel an urge to pause for a sec. so life lately. in summation it’s been chaotic and scattered and really really good and I am also extremely flawed. but life is so good. really. so many good ppl around. so many beautiful views. and places. and quirky traditions and spots and even though I def haven’t been pausing enough, now that I am pausing i’m realizing that it’s all amazing. like today…I spent the afternoon making art in my studio apartment, and then around 6pm I walked downstairs to the pizza place to pick up the pizzas my mom had ordered for my sister’s birthday. then I parked my car in the street in front of my window, ran back to my room, and grabbed my monstera. and I walked back down the street carrying my giant plant and hopped into my car. it’s like my life is a little tv show lol.

i’ve been running around too much lately like an instinct driven squirrel. but if I paused more I think I would be a better person rlly. and be overwhelmed by how good life is. maybe it’s some post-covid-world-reopening appreciation for everything, but I think rlly overall I just find myself in a blessed place. a little haven. i’m hoping these next few months I regain my head and am able to reflect on it all.

the only thing I sometimes find myself wishing for is someone to share all of this amazingness with. someone I can force to come with me at night and stare at the river for 30 minutes. life can be amazing, but experiences r rlly validated when u share them with another person ya know. this is something I guess i’ve learned recently.

the fam has been getting dive certified. & it’s been reminding me that the ocean exists. I feel like I forgot for a sec — that there’s a whole magical underwater world ya know. but literally acknowledging that fact makes all of life better and more hopeful. it’s like when u suddenly start reading the bible again and everything falls into place. i’m so excited about water.

I still firmly believe that life happens six months at a time. but lately i’ve found myself planning ahead more than usual. being like, i’m not going to buy that until about two months from now when I have more money. making all of these months-in-advance plans lol. but yesterday it hit me that post New Mexico, I actually have no plans or goals for my life. like all of my plans lead up to that trip and then life is an empty slate. the beginning of that trip will be exactly six months since I moved into this apartment. so I rlly do believe that it will be some sort of new chapter. but I guess we’ll see.

we go through all of these stages u know. sometimes u r being a student in school, sometimes u r actively serving others in a v apparent way, and sometimes u r just sort of coasting & enjoying yourself. these things happen in seasons. I think for a long time i’ve felt guilt for having a good life, but vicki has shown me that every good thing is a blessing to be enjoyed while it’s around. there will be plenty of time to be a martyr ahead.

I feel old lately. v grown. and very flawed.

ass keeps stepping on my keyboard so I guess that’s all for now. this post isn’t very deep, but it’s what’s on the mind of late.

One comment

  1. Pingback: um, hello | mp

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