recently someone was tryna affirm me or whatever & tell me how great I am & he was like, u r complicated & smart & beautiful. and it was sweet or whatever & cheesy & it was my dad ok. but the word that stood out to me was complicated. because he meant it as a compliment. like, it’s a good & special thing to be a complicated person. i’ve never heard it used in a positive light like that before. but maybe good things are complicated. & layered with a thousand contradictions & moods & feelings. simple things r good yea. & some truths r incredibly simple. but there r a lot of complicated things that r good too. & they feel rlly real. maybe complicated is good like a gift. & worthwhile.

“I think I ate half a loaf of banana bread today.”

“bananas r healthy.”

“..bread…”

“u can’t dwell too much on the details of life.”

And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives along with the command, the love itself.

CTB

IDK

“just because you can’t solve all of the world’s problems doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help the old lady cross the street.”
– male rabbi

I was talking about that whole cancel culture life recently. & how we have this whole ‘remove-the-bad-vibes-from-my-life’ mindset where we just totally drop anyone who is quote toxic to us or something. that’s actually ridiculous & selfish. we can’t just ditch the ppl who make us feel bad. I was reading this book today, & it was talking about “righteous” ppl, and it said…they always give generously and lend freely.

that whole idea of giving freely is so countercultural. giving with nothing returned. even being meek about it. we have this whole idea that meekness is weakness & pathetic-ness & whatever. but the primary definition of meek is actually to be “easily imposed on.”

ima talk about the christian life for a minute. bc it gives all of existence meaning so I have to. but in the christian life, being imposed on is just sort of expected. u r going to give generously, u won’t get anything in return, u might get stepped on. but none of that rlly matters. bc u have this fulfillment & peace that doesn’t come from monetary or material wealth. I mean it’s true.

there’s this unspoken rule that u have to wait at least a few hrs before u respond to a text bc u don’t want to look desperate or whatever. or something like that. but if u r a kind person, & u sincerely care, maybe u should always be available. & responsive. I mean compassion requires humility & the willingness to sacrifice your preoccupations for the concerns of someone else. at a moment’s notice. that’s love. given freely.

I think that’s part of the key to guarding your heart. it doesn’t mean that u won’t get hurt. it just means that the wound won’t penetrate to the soul. in order to be compassionate & generous, u have to give yourself away, but u don’t have to give up your soul for it. in this christian life, u will have to to risk rejection. u just will. but when your soul is guarded, that rejection won’t cause the same sort of ache.

so guarding your heart doesn’t mean that u won’t get rejected. it means that you are able to be rejected, and be okay with it.

^ that’s actually amazing

so the keys to a meaningful life r to be intentional even to rude ppl & to be unregretably generous. u have to see the best in everyone, to love them. & care. & ache for their aches. bc they matter. i’ve always been a sort of self-absorbed & narcissistic person, but I can honestly say that these past few months I have witnessed this sort of spiritual change in my soul where I actually do care & ache for ppl. so there’s a little testament to the trueness of god for u.

‘guarding your heart’ means being not afraid of rejection. yowza. epiphany.

u never know the impact u have on another person. rlly blows me away. just gotta be urself + be kind + shut up. we gen z peeps act like u can just ghost ppl from ur life. but the truth is that all of these experiences + relationships + ppl build upon one another. we r weaving our lives together. & there is always some sort of permanent impact to it. so where ever u find yourself, & whoever u find yourself with, use your influence. & when I say influence, I don’t mean that u r some sort of superior being. I just mean that every interaction that u have creates an impact. so make those impacts count. don’t be afraid to smack ppl in the face. or push them or be kind to them or just straight up love them. u can get away with a lot more than u realize sometimes. use your influence. u r being watched more than u know. it blows me away. all about that intentionality. I think that’s my new word. but we’ll see. mkay. goodbye losers peace ✌️

“You are so funny, except when you’re moody, and that’s only when you’re on your period. Actually, when you’re on your period, you’re funny, but not because you’re trying to be funny. But when you’re not on your period, you’re hilarious.”

mkay

mkay hello.

i’ve decided that I think I really enjoy writing actually. i’m always doing it when i’m trying to procrastinate from other forms of work, know what im saying. & I’m good at it to be honest. & for some reason it’s a lot harder to share with the world than my art or design & stuff.

I think it’s because if i’m rlly being honest rn, i’m a better writer than I am a painter, or a designer at the moment. & so sharing it feels a lot more vulnerable. and words can be so direct, & blunt. & that blunt-ness is also vulnerable. & my art hasn’t gotten to that point of skill where it is that vulnerable & reflective of me yet. ya know.

& also, anyone in the world can put some letters together and say something on the internet, or even in a book, & there r already so many voices out there. it’s like how all of these idiots in quarantine have started podcasts. it rlly gets to me. it’s like how white people take over various ethnic cuisines in america. like how they took over sushi and tacos & made it an urban-white-ppl thing. ugh. mainstream sucks. but that is the consumerist, salad bowl-but also gentrifying world that we live in, & I don’t have answers to any of it. tangent. anyway, having a voice anywhere has become mainstream. and a lot of these voices r shouting. & I don’t want to be another shout-er. & I don’t want to share things not worth sharing. & who am I to share things anyway. know what I’m saying. I mean how many experiences have I rlly had. rlly.

I think it’s important also to realize, that when u need to act, or speak up, often the opportunities will find you. or they will make themselves really clear to you. like maybe, they will appear in a burning bush or something, know what i’m sayin. & usually, they will feel scary & bigger than you. & honestly, you won’t want to do it. when it feels terrifying, & u don’t want to do it, & you can’t stop thinking about it, usually that is when you actually need to speak up.

recently one of my friends said “meg knows just what to say.” & i’ve been thinking about that. & how, especially when i’m writing for myself, I do know what to say. & when i’m seeking into my soul about what I need to say, I know what to say then too. & then sometimes, when i’m freaking out or scared or insecure or terrified of messing up or worried about what ppl will think of me, I have no clue at all of what to say.

& the reason I have no clue at all of what to say when I get that way, is because I let all of these little panic freak out spazzes get in the way of those intuitional spiritual vibes that exist in my soul. & those words r actually a lot of fluff to describe the holy spirit. i’m talking about god. the lord teaches me what to say. it’s a spiritual gift. whenever I lean into that, things go much better. & the right words come out of my mouth. or onto my phone screen.

& I am so grateful for this gift. how peaceful it is to know that I do not have to worry about saying the wrong thing. about ppl not liking me. about being rejected for what I say. because when they r the right words, it will not matter. truth is truth is true.

last night my buddy & I were talking about that question ppl always ask in interviews that goes, what are three words to describe you?, and we tried to think of 3 words that actually rlly did describe us. I told my buddy that she was theatrical, clever, & gutsy; & she said that I was dreamy, wise, & stubborn. I love that. I would never tell a hire-er those things but I love it.

dreamy, wise, & stubborn. suck it ppl.

you can’t stop the waves but you can learn to surf.

no I can’t surf but ugh that’s so good. love it

update

  • world is in a crisis
  • work is good
  • it’s been extremely rainy. some sort of tropical depression in mexico.
  • tryna stay off the grid.
  • time management still a struggle
  • tryna rent this orange building
  • hard times for lots of people
  • lots of unease. lots of injustice being brought to the surface. & regret & humility & sorrow & ache.
  • kenzie’s listening to bob dylan right now. a timeless man.
  • “if u can, you should.” – rabbi
  • if u crop these photos just right, u can pretend you’re not on private property:
  • the harmonica seems like a cool vibey thing to learn but it’s actually a little gross
  • trying to not buy a single thing for the rest of june. except maybe food.
  • You faith will isolate you and make you more intriguing all at once. 
  • um, I think that’s all.
  • heyo mack-pru. sup.

I think that sometimes I come across as a little crazy. A little radical and weird.

Back in the 1600’s, people thought this guy named Galileo was weird. He had this rad idea that the earth was actually moving, and he would not shut up about it. The Roman Catholic church was very annoyed with him. They kicked him out, because his beliefs were unpopular and rattled the status quo.

But Gal was so convicted by what he had witnessed through his telescope, that he never let the doubt and ridicule deter him. And it turns out he was right. In 2020 it’s pretty clear that we orbit around the sun.

The point of this post is to encourage you to embrace your beliefs. And to accept the fact that you’re part of an ancient underground movement that seeks to love people and save them no matter how gritty things get.

It’s not going to be easy. There’s nothing easy about claiming to personally know some supernatural world creator that talks to you. That sounds crazy. But it’s also crazy to think that all of this life is the accidental result of nothing. So embrace the hope that you have. Let it relieve you. And talk about it, no matter how rad and weird you may seem. There are a lot of people out there who have no hope and do not realize that things could be better. They’re watching you more than you know. 

hello. it’s me. wow wordpress this new ui design is nice kudos. mkay anyway. it’s been a while since I haven’t been stressed about linking this blog publicly in my instagram profile. idk y I do that to myself. it makes my posts less vulnerable. less real ya know. less me. which actually leads into what I was going to write about. I was going to write about how sometimes, it’s good to hide. to make yourself less accessible. or noticeable to the rest of the globe. u know what I mean? we live in this culture that’s all about access and connection. being on-line means that u r always on. and we weren’t made for that kind of shit. sometimes u need to be off. to be free of the chains u accidentally put on yourself when you consider other people’s expectations or interpretations of u. I don’t want to worry about what some dude thinks of me when I put something online. but since it’s online, I inevitably will. because the whole point of putting something online is so that other people will see it. that’s the whole point. and when we are constantly looking at ourselves from other people’s perspectives, we begin to forget who we are from our own perspective. our perspective is inside, ya know. we gotta look inside. the actual intentions behind all of our actions are the actual definers of who we are. people say that your choices are what define u. but I disagree. it’s actually the intentions behind those choices that define u. being honest about those intentions can be rlly hard. because the likely truth is that u r actually a horrible self-absorbed greedy person. and most of your intentions r probably manipulative and self-serving. even the seemingly sweet ones.

so anyway my point is that we tend to forget that life happens in these temporary seasons one at a time. nothing last forever, is what I mean. and sometimes, it’s good to hide for a while. just hide out. just let go of all of your connections and appearances and digital lines. and just embrace the people and physical-ness of your immediate surroundings. hide at the beach, if that’s where u happen to find yourself. just embrace it. let go of all the things about yourself u try to control. and see who and what comes to u.

sometime u will need to stop hiding, and to reach out to ppl and seek others and rlly get out there & fight for ppl or causes or issues or whatever. but sometimes u will find yourself in the middle of a desert or beach or whatever, and u will just need to hide-slash-fast-slash-train there for forty days. or a few months or so. take that time to not panic about all the things u might be losing. and to just be open. to whatever u r being taught.

sometimes I forget that I live at the beach. and I get caught up in all the things I might be missing out on. but then sometimes I get these moments of eye opening. and I realize that I love these ppl & this life experience is amazing. and it’s all amazing. and I don’t know why I get to have life so amazing. but I do know that if I trust the waves and allow these roots to grow, this little hiding spot will become a safe haven for the other ppl that god brings into my life. and really, it would be so selfish of me to not allow that to happen. so I have to have to embrace it. and let go of all the things I want to chase after and snatch and force to work out.

^^^re-read this paragraph one more time.

so take out that cactus nose ring and let go of who you think u r, or who u want ppl to think u r. & just allow yourself to be. & be honest about your intentions. & honestly, just see what happens.

that’s all u can do. just see what happens. embrace change so much. & also embrace stationary places. follow through w your purpose. hmm. that’s good.

follow through w your purpose.

recently my rabbi was talking to me about something she did and she said “I hope I didn’t make them uncomfortable…I just felt that’s what I needed to do.” & I think that’s a beautiful statement. It’s easy to doubt yourself when u take an actual ballsy stance on something. But if u rlly feel in your soul/spirit that it’s what you need to do, then u cannot be hard on yourself. u just have to embrace your actions & move on. u did your part. & move on. so good.

^^re-read

“I just felt that’s what I needed to do.” so freeing. when it’s true.

follow through with your purpose.

recently I realized that every other time I’ve moved, i’ve pretty much completely cut ties w the ppl of my past. & this time is the first time i’ve kept in touch. & that is good. & life is about the relationships u build upon one another. & being intentional & keeping up w people & whatever. but I also think that for a bit, maybe it’s good to hide from those past lives. just avoid it for a bit. look ahead.

so that’s my latest plan. i’m gonna hide. hide out for a bit. it’s time. time to hide in the middle of this boat fort. & maybe start writing my novel. for realllllzzzz. I could to it. maybe I will. i’m readddyyyyyyyy. to get off the grid. time to get off the grid. everywhere but here.

follow through with your purpose. but also get ready to sacrifice some things. refine those intentions. refine that heart. and soul.

sometimes u put on hollister jeans and u realize how good your ass looks so u ask your little buddy to snap some pics when they catch u taking mirror selfies of your butt. thanks mack. u r the best.

“I’m in my prime i’m wasting away!”

“If you’ve gotten this far do you really think you won’t be fine?”

a week of love bugs & sunsets & lotsa lotsa drama & way too much talking about chickens.

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mkay so yesterday I was running and I caught up to mad & ken and they were standing there watching me run towards them and pointing behind me. so I stopped running and looked behind me and that sky is what I saw. and obviously the pic does no justice. and I was like, what I had no idea this was behind me. it’s all full circle ya know. sometimes u don’t realize what you’re running away from. u run and run and then finally look back and realize how amazing everything is. u were exactly where u were supposed to be the whole time. who knew. just gotta shut up and be nice to ppl and say what u want and go along w life. I guess. 🙂

I didn’t realize what I was running from until I looked behind me

A few days ago I went on a run like usual. I was going my normal route when I decided to turn into this neighborhood and ran through it and ended up going in a different direction on a busy road towards a Publix. I was like, well this isn’t a very pretty route but whatever. and I kept running. at one point I got bored and knelt down and played on my phone for two minutes. and then I suddenly had this urge to run to the outlet and catch the sunset. I was like, if I hurry I might still catch the sun setting. so I got up turned around and ran. and I got to the outlet, and, let me tell u.

2020-05-09 03:12:55 +0000

the sun was setting literally. I could literally see the sun move. i’ll never be able to explain to u how beautiful it was. I was watching this little fire ball go down behind the water. and the sky. the sky was eighty different shades of blue and white and yellow. it was truly eight dimensional. there was so much supernatural-god-holy-shit wonder to the whole thing. I was like, when the timing is perfect, it usually means that you had nothing to do with it. I kept repeating those words to myself. I felt the promise. I felt this holy promise being told to me, that the timing would work out perfectly.

if I hadn’t taken such a weird route, the timing wouldn’t have been so flawless. the timing. the timing timing timing timing. everything will work out completely in perfect unison. that’s god’s promise. there will be times of waiting and running around kinda confused. and there will be times when u have these urges and know exactly what to do. trust is all u can do in both.

the craziest thing is, that morning I had prayed to god at my little work cubicle that he would give me a sign and control my breathing for the day. waiting for something always makes me cling more.

eventually the sun went completely down. and I didn’t want to leave but I had to. and I was like, man I have to remember this moment forever. and then I realized that this literally happens every day. the sun sets daily. we get this daily reminder of this assuring promise. that’s a v nice arrangement. extremely nice. mkay. that’s all.

wait no it isn’t. I forgot to mention that this was on the caloosahache river. where I had kayaked the day before, and gotten lost, and spent a lot a lot of time on. that was an amazing experience too. so good. so so good. wow. what a life. what a blessed life. man. it’s insane. like so insane. worth sharing with someone. ugh. but timing. timing is always going to be good. mkay. chao. for real.

2020-05-09 01:19:37 +0000

follow the whimsy. all I can say.

“that’s just what these old folks looking for a quiet retired life in south florida want— a crusading 22 year old.”
– steve

it’s one of those things where like suddenly all the success in the world means nothing and is incredibly unimpressive. who r the heroes rlly. the lunch ladies. and nurses. & bus drivers. and grocery store clerks. and the friendly neighbors u never cared about before. the outsiders r always more empathetic. they’ve spent their whole lives ppl watching & working & being belittled.

jesus didn’t hang out w successful ppl. he hung out w the fringe ppl. his movement was the counterculture. the antiestablishment. the underground nonconforming honest gritty all-inclusive gypsy club. how do ppl not get this. they were trying to save the world. they were such obvious flawed outsiders. I don’t get why ppl think christians r these innocent naive perfect ppl now. there’s nothing tru about that. I mean it’s tru that real christians r extremely generous and kind. but it’s not bc they’re rule followers. it’s bc their hearts r literally different. they have a rlly different perspective. & they’re ok w being outsiders. i’ve met so many kind ppl of late. & their stories are decades long & gritty & rlly honest.

my old boss once said that the minute u have a problem, u become an outsider too. all these kind ppl out here who have been kind their whole lives r suddenly being thanked for it. bc suddenly the problems r bigger than our comfortable little american lives can compensate for. mkay. chao.

“hallelujah nevertheless was the song pain couldn’t destroy”

lovely. so lovely. I luv it. pain happens obviously. but bittersweetness is what differentiates art from pleasure. bam. anything deep or meaningful or worthwhile has to be weathered up, ya know. pushed further. hurt a little bit. but pain sucks obviously. it always sucks. & all of this hope is hard to feel in the moment. but it’s possible. life is ultimately sweet. that’s all.

life update of past 4 months

mkay life update. i’m officially a working lady. the office life is one of those things i’ve always feared but the truth is that the world is just one big place with a lot of people in a lot of smaller places and some day you will find yourself in one particular place for a time, and u just have to embrace that place and ride with it. & it’s been rlly nice. & I am shook by the fact that I got this job right when all of this covid crisis hit the states. the timing was supernatural. idk how else to explain it. allow me to tell the full story…

I graduated in december a messed up wreck of melodramatic insanity. I was a mess. I’d left early & moved states & had no purpose or whatever & it all happened so suddenly bc I hadn’t rlly planned anything and so I found myself all broken & struggling to let go & ugh it was a strange time. looking back it was fun & cray but at the time I was a legit mess. for months. 2-3 months. some times I was messier than others. and the whole time I was learning a lot. a lot. & healing. but it was rad cray. & I was rlly self absorbed. I rlly think that college inevitably turns u into a narcissist for a little bit & it can’t be helped. anyway. I was learning so much & growing & getting into those spiritual vibes. and slowly slowly slowly. regaining my sanity. facing challenges & trials & growth & learning to trust my gut/soul. still interviewing. even saying no to offers that didn’t feel right. I was in a good groove of applying & being intentional & yada yada yada.

& right as I was finally coming to a state of healed sanity, the rest of america was tumbling into a crisis. my friends found out they wouldn’t have a graduation ceremony & would never go back to class. & suddenly I could not believe that the lord had spared me & allowed me to graduate before all of this. literally. I was completely shook & shocked & chillingly scared. scared of just how blessed I had been. after all of the whining & running I had done, the whole time god was just like, just wait kid u have no idea what I have saved u from. literally. the lord. how could he do this. all it took was 20 minutes in my advisor’s office my junior year, when I learned that I could graduate early & decided to do it. changed my life. I didn’t even know my fam would move to FL at the time. there was so much I didn’t know. idk why I got to have the closure & the joy & the celebration before I moved away. Idk why god granted me that. I’m so grateful. & i’m so blown away. the gratefulness hurts. but it’s just a testament to the fact that ugh god is real ppl. just look at me. look at my dad. he’s real & he legit provides. u have no idea.

& the very week that everything started to close, I received a job offer. & this time, for a lot a lot of reasons, I could feel in my soul that it was right. 3 days before fl issued a stay at home order, I started my new job. what. & somehow I work for a health company, so our jobs are essential. & for the past 3ish weeks i’ve been going to work while the rest of the world stays home. the tables have turned. my timing is completely flipped. but that’s the thing. it’s not even my timing. like, I had no impact on this. I did nothing to deserve this. it was god’s timing. I just hope that when I tell ppl my story, they realize how crazy it is that anything worked out the way it did. I mean this is legendary stuff. & I swear I had nothing to do w it. I’m as shocked as everyone else.

& now so many friends & so many ppl are in their homes. and they r depressed and hysterical & going through similar things I went through 4 months ago. & now that i’ve experienced & survived those things, & now that i’m sane again, I get to empathize w those ppl. and I rlly rlly hope that somehow my story-slash-support-slash-listening ear will help them. the lord has arranged everything for a reason. & I have no idea what that reason is. that’s the thing. u never know the impact u have on another person. just gotta be kind & shut up. & be intentional even if u never understand why.

I’m so grateful & shook & trembling. I have no idea why the lord has been so gentle with me. for three months I couldn’t see it. I didn’t know what was around the corner. & a lot of ppl feel the same way now. & I ache for them. but there’s so much hope. eventually.

my rabbi recently said to me “all you have is your story.” it’s so so tru. my story is still fairly short, but this is part of it. I never could have come up with this stuff on my own. rlly. there’s so much more I could tell u about the past 2.5 weeks. the point is that everyone gets a story. & the longer u live, the more dramatic it gets.

ride the waves that come to you. six months at a time. ❤

mkay ima take a brief break from the online social world. chao

happy easter. one time in the bible jesus walked around alone in the desert for 40 days and apparently didn’t eat anything. can u imagine? while he was there satan literally showed up and started talking mad smack to him.

maybe in your own self isolation u find yourself having to face your own demons. that can be terrifying. but the elephant in the room is that there’s something inherently wrong with all of us. & at some point all the ways we distract ourselves from that fact will break.

all I know is that clearly god has helped me. i’m not some whack ass brainwashed pk. I believe bc i’ve literally witnessed him change my life. there comes a point when the math falls apart and I cannot logically blame chance for everything that has happened. i’m no idiot.

why is my life the way it is? I mean rlly. what other explanation do I have.

mkay that’s all.

IMG_1973

ugh. lots of crisis all around. ppl can’t work, kids missing lunch, dying sick ppl, countries unprepared. depressed college graduates. months and months and months.

it’s tragic for a lot of ppl and here I am very very privileged and blessed and with a good job & house living at the bottom of the sunshine state with a thousand hobbies & a daily run past the sunset & good friends & good health. and so much comfort. my life hasn’t always been this chill & it won’t always, but that’s where I find myself rn. u go through seasons, and sometimes u find yourself pretty rich while the ppl around u r not. there’s a reason you’ve been blessed in that moment. be grateful duh, but also empathize with everyone. listen & give & do as much as possible. share ur hope. just be yourself & trust that somehow it’s helping. even if you never get to know the details. sometimes all you can do is let things be and trust. ugh.

just be yourself & trust that somehow it’s helping. I luv that.

“Keep seeking to love him and the next person that he places in front of you, and trust him to take care of the rest.”
– kdm

whenever I get freaked out, I want to run away. but the truth is that even when you run away, u can’t escape your thoughts. you can’t just stop thinking about something because you’ve gone somewhere new. your soul doesn’t work like that. apparently.

the only way you can truly let go of something is if you intentionally release it and trust the man upstairs. it’s hard. honestly. but usually the things you want are pretty lame in comparison to what’s actually going to happen. so look at what’s right in front of you. and fully embrace it while it’s there. it might go away eventually. when it does, don’t sulk over it. release it and look up again to see the new thing in front of you. it’s a bittersweet process but that’s life for u.

last night I told my dad that the journey is just as important as the destination. and he was like, do you really think that’s true? the ending is pretty important. what he meant is that if eternity is real, then this current life is temporary, and thus, everything we do is expendable. we have to be willing to risk it all for the sake of the ending. how many causes would u would be willing to die for?
it’s easy to be an activist. it’s a lot harder to be a martyr.

yowza.

IMG_1865

“I kind of liked unemployed Meg she was funny. She was a lot to handle but fun to watch. Made me feel like my own life was put together.”

^ Aww now i’m gonna miss these days. see, the thing about nostalgia and the present and shit is that if you’re an idiot, you won’t find contentment in a moment until it is behind you. but of course you learn these things as you go. so now I know. you’ve got to treasure every single moment of your little life. if I play my cards right, I may never be unemployed again. i’ll be a working professional for the rest of my life. sigh. holy cow I am so grateful for the past three months. I was so weird but really it was fun.

  • I moved to fl
  • worked in a print shop
  • worked at a construction co
  • befriended the elderly
  • got a boating license
  • interviewed with the miami HEAT. what.
  • ran a THIRTY k.
  • crashed car
  • broke laptop screen
  • took a relationship class
  • became a runner
  • became a kate spade sales associate. ish
  • tried to move to guatemala
  • painted
  • became a greeter
  • and a storyteller
  • & photographer
  • interviewed EIGHT TEEN times
  • interviewed with NEW MEXICO’S SOCCER TEAM. what what.
  • did a life purpose study
  • took a hand lettering class

I thought that after college I would have to give up my days of being an introspective moody girl. but the truth is I will be moody for the rest of my life. u never stop learning. existence is sappy like that. just take it 6-to-8 months at a time.

life. happens. 3-to-6-to-8 months at a time. give or take.

NEW MEXICO’S SOCCER TEAM WTF adlfjdlkjflkf

IMG_1827

“all you have is your story.”

hw: 1 minute shpeal. how u came + your life with jesus. explaining the hope that’s in you.

ok ok lets do this PLAYAAAAA

All I know

I have believed and known who Jesus is for most of my life. And honestly, I’m still a mess. But knowing Jesus has given me hope for my life and completely changed my intentions. I can feel it in my very soul. I can’t imagine what I would do without it.

All I know is that clearly it has helped me. I am a crazy, obsessive, vain, insecure person. I’m emotional & never content. Like, ridiculously emotional. Like, sooooo melodramatic. Always dreaming of something better, or wanting something I can’t have, or wanting to be something I’m not. But so much of what humans do on a daily basis is a form of coping. I’ve starved myself, I’ve isolated, chased after boys, obsessed over photos of myself, daydreamed, amped up the adrenaline, tried to run away.

But numbing any aches I feel just doesn’t get to the root of the problem.

For me, I’ve found that Jesus is the ultimate way to cope with everything I struggle with. And I truly believe that if I didn’t believe in God, I would be emo and 86 pounds right now. And honestly maybe dead. All I know is that this faith gives my life direction. And that whenever I feed into that spirit, my life is more colorful and meaningful, and I eventually find that content-ness. I’m not perfect, life is still hard sometimes, but my heart has changed, and I am blown away at all the times God has saved me and protected me and cared for me. Even in the times when I was a little whiny wreck. That’s all I know.

I’ve watched God care for my family when my dad went without a job for a year. I’ve watched him make everything so easy and simple for me through every move. Hindsight makes everything clearer, and there have been so many moments I’ve whined & haven’t understood that came completely full circle later. All I know is that my faith has helped me, and it’s made everything about my life more intentional.

sometimes a moment is so sweet that you’d might as well just hang onto it and remember if fondly for the rest of your life. even if everything about that moment explodes into nothingness that u can never go back to. might as well keep that remnant memory in your little head forever. maybe paint it idk. let it inspire u. and just trust that whatever happens past that moment is going to be good. for all parties. bittersweetness is the stuff of artists.

“all you have is your story”
– r

_________________

“what’s something absolutely terrible that could happen to you that you absolutely wouldn’t be able to handle?”
– r

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“I can’t change it, so what can I learn so I can help the next person who goes through this?”
– r

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“staying in the past is depression, staying in the future is anxiety. but being present is freedom”
– m

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“i’m wrong. it’s less about where you are, more about who you’re with”
– me

let it be let it be let it be let it be. in due time ugh.
waiting is just as important as doing. they’re the same thing. I guess. last night kenzie and I walked to the outlet. we walked to the outlet. what the heck. anyway, I was like, even tho i’m waiting for my life to start in a lot of ways I rlly do like it here & I like this time a lot. and kenzie was like, u r being used here, too. u r teaching little kids things & u r teaching me things. & I was like, woah that’s deep kenzie.
I don’t know when everything is going to change. I know it will eventually. but I don’t have to rush it. life happens three days at a time. 6 months is too stressful to think about so ima say 3 days. sometimes u just gotta let things be for a bit. just a bit. & wait for the right thing. if u r so privileged.
this time is just as important as the next. let it be.
don’t do something conventional bc u think u have to. maybe it doesn’t make sense to a lot of ppl but it does to u. create ur own path and don’t worry about it. that’s all.

u can speculate all u want but truly u just have to ride the waves that come to u.

i’m realizing that i’m an idiot. really. u can be an art slaying mastermind one day and then literally two seconds later become an obsessive pathetic ninny. I am that ninny. i’m also crazy. not even in a cute way. in an idiotic way. ugh.

u can speculate all u want but truly u just have to ride the waves that come to u. no thinking and wishing and analyzing will matter at all until the decision actually presents itself to u. u can want something, but if it doesn’t offer itself to u then it doesn’t matter. i’m talking about a particular job obviously. there’s no point in stressing about whether or not I will accept it until the decision becomes mine in the first place. until then I just gotta live my life and not sway for it. ya know.

live your life and don’t sway for it, hello. don’t sway for anything. ever! never conform!!!!!!! grrrrrr

of course it gets kinda hard to do that when u have to make one decision before u know whether or not u will be presented with another decision. i’m talking about when u get a different job offer before another job offer and u r like hmm let me get back to u so I can prolong all of this stress while none of these timelines add up.

“trust your gut. everyone will have different ideas about what you should do, but ultimately the decision is yours. and then, once u make your decision, it will be up to you to handle the consequences that result from that decision.”

“make the best decision you can and then embrace wherever you end up.”

“you’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. that’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.”

u can speculate all u want but truly u just have to ride the waves that come to u.

so stop speculating. ldjkflakjdflkjdflk

aye this week. oh my god. oh my god. L;SKJFGOPISDFJLKSDJF,MC

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church notes from december. what else would the pastor’s child be writing in her sketchbook. man that paper was top quality I miss it.

christmas was a good time everything was still new and giddy. so much has happened in two point five months. but life happens 6 months at a time. or 2 months. or 3 days. todo estara bien.

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when I first started college I remember being really freaked out because suddenly how I performed in school was directly linked to who I was as a person. when u make art or design things, u can’t help having your own style. and that style just inevitably links to ur identity. and when u r young u r still figuring these things out. and u r still refining your taste/style/preconceptions/knowledge/etcetera. so when u go to a crit, and ppl critique your work, u feel like they r critiquing who u r as a person. u feel it in ur very soul. and I remember being shocked at first. because suddenly my very core of my self was hanging on a wall for ppl to look at and criticize. and it was terrifying and new and strange. and then over time we learned to distance ourselves from our work a little bit, and not let crits slice our souls. but as we were doing that, our work was getting better and better. and we were growing up. and our quote-unquote-styles were refining themselves. we got polished up, I guess u could say. and now, when I look at my portfolio, I can see it again. I can see my very self in everything. and it’s a nice, more mature, less-worried-about-what-other-ppl-think version. and the crits still come. and sometimes they r useful. and sometimes I push back. and idk what i’m trying to say here rlly. but I guess what I mean is that as u grow up, u get more and more polished, and u become more and more and more of who u rlly rlly r in your soul. and the feedback & experience & practice helps. it all shapes u. the confidence comes earned. and the more u embrace & discover who u r & reveal it through your work, the more ppl tend to look at u and your work and say wow. they find u intriguing. and personal branding weaves itself in all of this somehow. but that’s for another time. just cultivate that gut. refine those instincts. and u won’t have to fake your own brand so much. u will be unique on ur own.

maturity comes earned & over time. I met some old ppl recently who had been through so much hardship. and I told my dad, i’ve been so whiny lately about my easy life, but these ppl r so tough. and my dad said, yes they are tough. but when they were your age, they weren’t tough.

life refines u, polishes u, strengthens u on its own. all comes in due time.

i’m such a wise little college graduate.

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interviews

live list of interviews i’ve had. we r killing it lol

  1. guatemala
  2. printer
  3. travel marketing agency
  4. basketball team 01
  5. book publisher 01
  6. international campaign agency
  7. basketball 02
  8. brand/design agency
  9. motorcycle retail design whatever thing
  10. book publisher 02
  11. branding & marketing agency
  12. interior design company
  13. kate spade
  14. interior design co 02
  15. soccer
  16. nutrition co
  17. nutrition 02
  18. new york

cast your net out wide kids. it’s exhausting but u learn so much about who u r and what u want & what is possible.

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et en arcadia ego. UGH.

millionaires build houses across the street from where I live. old people retire here. but even in paradise life sucks.

ppl lose their sweethearts to dementia. boyfriends lie. kids stress about college & girls have panic attacks & parents die. bodies stop working. people hate themselves. there’s so much ache here. so much. old people literally come here to die. and then what’s next? what is all of this future for?

but so many of these old sweethearts say they’ve had a good run. they’re sitting in the hospital chuckling and staring in the distance and nodding that it’s been good. they’re quiet & accepting & they know so much more than I do.

no mansion on the beach will make u happy. no job or swagger or college or talent or life path. bc at the end of the day one of us is going to be sitting on a hospital bed. and I hope to god that if it’s me, my wrinkled face is cute af. and that someone is by my side telling me none of it was a waste. everything was worth it. and they’re so glad they found me.

run awayyyyy.

I finally jumped into the pool tonight. kenzie thinks she invented that or something. before I jumped I had a moment and looked at the sky and tried to feel a sign from God or something. but all I could feel was god being like, no i’m not gonna give you a sign why are you even doing this it’s gonna be dumb and cold. so I did it. and it was so cold. I hate the cold wtf. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. it was miserable. I thought it would be this refreshing experience but it just made me angry.

i’ve just been so impulsive lately. tryna jump into anything that will keep me distracted. I almost took a job at an ice cream shop what the heck. I caused a car accident bc I was running like a crazy person. I broke into my own car. and got stuck in a tree. I broke my car. & my computer. & tried to move to guatemala. I just want to run awayyyy. but I don’t think god is going to let me move forward until I stop jumping into cold water like an idiot. ya gotta wait. it out. and not do things just to do things. but I do think I need to stay off the grid for a while. no more social media. hide & avoid anything that’s messing up my emotional sanity. move on. ya know. disappear for a bit. let go. I don’t have a choice honestly. I mean god literally hacked my instagram. gotta listen to god.

so…. chao!

“I’ll probably never have grandkids. Everybody’s afraid to date the pastor’s daughters. Ya’ll are probably bigger sinners than they know.”

-my mother

IM DYING OH MY GOD ALDJFLAKJDSFLKJDKFJASKL

kindness breeds kindness.

UGH HALDFKJASDLFJakldsj

u never know the impact u have on another human being. just gotta be kind and shut up, ya know.

val

preppin those chicos for valentines day. oh god.

love is something you feel, u choose, & u do. & love requires sacrifice.

these things are ancient and they’re art. & here I am teaching these kids the things that have been true forever and ever. and here we are celebrating valentines day and the fact that love exists. and in celebrating that we r also acknowledging the loneliness we all feel. everything is ancient & we r all the same. we’re aching. & we’re longing. for love. ofc.

LOVEEEEEE ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

I was talking to this older lady the other day and telling her about how emotionally weird college is for all of us, and she said something like, I really feel sorry for you young people these days. it seems like u all have to act like you’re doing fine even though you’re depressed, & u cope by numbing yourself & ghosting ppl. & I thought about how many of my friends r actually depressed, and it’s true. young people have it so hard. so so hard. there r a thousand ppl telling us to get jobs that we will hate like that’s the goal or something. messaging is the dumbest shit & nobody’s relationally on the same page. we’re just a mess. it’s all a mess. & we go along w it which is so dumb.

& i’m telling these kids about how we can love others like i’m some expert or something. but the truth is that these truths r true forever & we just gotta go back to them. those ancient paths. the fact that real love requires sacrifice. giving up your time or your things or your words or service. u gotta know who u r, and why other people matter. & u gotta care enough to love them regardless of how scared u r. insecurity is a luxury we can’t afford.

if i want a relationship to last, i can’t love someone for selfish reasons. because then it becomes conditional, & it will eventually end. man speaking in ‘i’ statements sucks. but I get it. thx ds1. happy val day. ❤

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i feel v blessed to live in a city that has a yacht port. like what.

i have this theory that ft myers isn’t a real place but is actually a magic portal. and if u find yourself in ft myers, it means u need to be healed or something. the wildest things happen here. u run into ppl u know at the weirdest times. everything feels like an anomaly. and everywhere u go there are a thousand grandmas ready to smile at u & call u sweetie.

and it’s always sunny. none of that seasonal depression.

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nostalgia for something yet experienced. <<<<sigh

oh man. humans can only be so creative in their dreams. the truth is that as great as they are, sometimes dreams can be limiting. but the easiest way to realize how amazing your life has turned out is to let go of all those dreams and expectations and just look in front of yourself. ofc you never expected to end up where u are. no one ever does. but your situation is completely unique, and it has shaped u and put u in a unique position for your specific purpose. so pursue those dreams. but also follow those urges. and embrace where you are. and just be grateful. and realize that there are a lot of people out there who are struggling or really do hate their lives. and consider how u can help. because that sucks.

the past five ish days

  • everything you break can be fixed
  • ride the whimsy
  • the hardest pursuit will be trust
  • in greek, grace and favor are the same word. that is completely wild
  • your job isn’t ur purpose but it can help u out or put u in a unique position
  • when u dive deep it’s easier to get lost but getting lost is ok 🙂
  • this:
  • “nostalgia for something yet experienced”
  • ^^^^
  • nostalgia for something yet experienced.
  • ^UGH so lovely
  • sheep. i’m a wandering sheep
  • sometimes u have to be forced to lie down in green pastures to get your soul restored
  • I am expendable
  • even jerks are people. even though ugh they r so selfish. u just gotta keep being kind patient and understanding
  • run towards not away
  • total peace
  • trial and comply
  • u can mess up so much and still find favor
  • why have u moved so many times in ur life
  • everything shapes and prepares you.
  • just don’t worry. like chill
  • it’s a rlly nice feeling when u find clothes that actually fit u

u know people we never have any damn clue where we’re gonna end up in life. sometimes that can make us anxious until we have a lead. but the truth is you have no idea what’s waiting around the next corner. and you just have to go with the flow and enjoy yourself as you do. TRUST. it’s all about trust. that’s why I can’t imagine a life without believing in a higher power. if there’s nothing to trust in, I mean, you’d might as well be anxious all the time. because none of what I just said would be true. the universe owes u nothing; things may never work out for u, no matter how long u wait.

it’s no wonder our entire society brags about that whole boss bitch-grind life. because if u don’t trust in anything, there’s no way that things will work out for you unless ur a savage bitch on the grind. u’ve gotta fight for yourself because nothing else in the world is.

so the thing about trusting in a god and believing that things will eventually work out for you, is that it takes all of that anxiety and savage bitch-drive away. you don’t have to worry about yourself all the time, because you know that you will be taken care of. and that knowledge gives you peace. and that peace is what frees you to think about the people around you. and to start helping and caring for them. there is no compassion without a release of the self. think about maslow’s hierarchy.

and that is why religion is so important to a society. suck it.

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i don’t mean to be all vsco but making gifs is too easy & look at that view

“Never conform…but do comply when logical.”

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today someone said that life is hard. and it’s true. it’s easy to get distracted and think that everything is supposed to be convenient. and it’s so great to be happy. but what about the millions of people around u who r not? what do we do

& where do u go when u have no roots.

“it’s crazy how the days of the week just keep happening.” – meg

“I have a bunch of tabs open of youtube videos I want to watch.” – darth

today on my jungle safari I stopped at a little deck overlooking the water and stood at the fence watching all the old people around me. I wanted to ask them how they had figured out what to do with the past half century of their lives. how did they get to this point? how did it all work out for them? of course standing there in front of the pretty water and thinking these things made me cry. so there I was in the middle of a park crying silently amongst a bunch of happy old people. i never cry this much what is the deal. anyway my point isn’t that i’m a melodramatic wuss even though I guess I am. the point is that sometimes u feel heartache and you can’t really escape it. no matter how much you distract yourself. or you try to cope. that physical feeling in your heart just stays there. can’t be masked really. not sober at least. even when u know that of course things will work out eventually. your head just can’t convince yourself to calm down. being in touch with how you really feel can hurt sometimes and I think that’s why we all try to cover it with the gluttony + over saturation of every single physical thing on this earth. but we should really all just ugly-cry more. let it all out. really. stop burying it w stuff and just release it. when is the last time u wept like a baby? maybe you should.

even jesus wept. and he’s more of a man than any of us so it doesn’t break any of those stereotyping man codes or whatever. just go ahead and cry. humans have the ability to weep for a reason. survival of the fittest duh.

ease of living.

happy January.

omg also. sky jewelry. that’s what the msg calls stars. sky jewelry. sigh. this world.

I look up at your macro-skies, dark and enormous,
your handmade sky-jewelry,
Moon and stars mounted in their settings.
Then I look at my micro-self and wonder,
Why do you bother with us?
Why take a second look our way?

“if you’re not amazed most of the time you’re not paying attention” 🙂

maybe i have too much time on my hands. lol. idk. i’d rather write in my little soap box than fix up my resume, or clean up dat portfolio, or figure out my rates and whatever. we r saving the world here. one rant at a time.

yesterday my grandma said that sometimes she gets completely stressed thinking about what she’ll make for dinner. and that when she lets it go for a while and comes back to it later, usually things work out fine. ugh. my heart. this is why a diet of veggie burgers and bagged salad is totes ok. changing up your meals is just stressful and i’m over it. nothing wrong w eating the same thing every day it’s nbd geez relieves so much stress ugh.

also. what a great point, grandma. if you’re unsure about something, just stop thinking about it for a minute. or try at least. ugh. jlksdjflksd.fdfjddlfjalsd.fa. god it’s hard.

but then when you return to it, perhaps things will work out for themselves. or the answer will be more clear. just take a little nap or something and maybe after a few naps you’ll have a dream that will fix everything.

everything

it can be extremely difficult to figure out when it’s time to stop hiding in the bushes and just be explicit about everything u have to say. there r a million people speaking already and it’s so much easier to just leave teeny tiny breadcrumbs for the ppl who care enough to search for them. but the truth is that u r fooling urself if u think any of this is discoverable. u r hiding more than u admit. that’s what I mean. and there are a million voices, certainly. millions of ppl r already shouting their thoughts into society’s void. and it’s difficult to rationalize why you should too.

labels make life a disaster. it’s so easy to mark someone as a player and explain all of their actions away as selfish and insincere. or call someone a prig and think that everything they do is judgmental and naive. but rlly in the end, everyone just doesn’t want to be alone. and some ppl can’t be trusted. and some ppl have weird habits. but keeping your distance out of fear will do nothing except make u sad later. there’s nothing wrong with being kind, rlly ever.

mkay new yrs resolves.

  1. start rlly caring about other people more bc I feel like I got selfish in college. ready to grow up ya know. and get into that serve mindset.
  2. get back into running gotta stay in shape
  3. had a third one that was rlly good ugh I can’t remember

we’ve been talking a lot about how we don’t “feel” christmas here bc it’s seventy degrees. but I think the truth for me is that i’ve been too self-involved lately to even consider christmas. ya know, to rlly ~feel~ anything, u have to stop being distracted and actually sit down and think about it. so maybe the reason it doesn’t feel like xmas or whatever has less to do with the cultural biases of american holiday songs and more to do w all of our distractions. if u want, pause for 3 minutes and consider how you’re alive and why christmas exists. and then carry on. to feel xmas, we gotta feel beyond ourselves. ya know, empathy. ✌️

i am no longer eating sweets, gluten, & dairy. for the rest of the yr. swear on my life.

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you can rlly feel it when u r amongst ppl who truly believe in their hearts everything to do with christian spirituality. the vibes r so unique. ppl r kind even when they r annoyed. there’s just this sense of love. and non-intensity. the fights r different. they never feel like the end of the world. they all end in apologies bc that’s the only way u can ever survive a fight. truly. saying srry ends all wars. u can say literally anything u want and it doesn’t feel like u r saying it just to prove yourself. curse away but just know that ppl will prob laugh at u bc they don’t take u seriously. and u don’t have to take yourself so seriously. bc it’s going to be ok. at the end of the day the ppl around u know that everything is eternal and eventually it’s all going to be ok. I don’t know how else to explain it. ppl who rlly believe in jesus r just different. I mean sure there r a lot of fake believers out there. but the ones who rlly believe just rlly stand out. they’re peculiar. and safe. and not perfect at all trust me. but they get that, and they allow for it. and they don’t expect u to be perfect either. ppl get all out of whack when they expect things from others. the spiritual vibe—it’s just rlly nice. all i’m saying.

I am currently sitting on a balcony. a balcony attached to my room. listening to crickets. not cold at all. it’s quite nice.

it’s amazing to think that two days ago I was crying like crazy. idk. but it’s always that way. the week before u move, u go through like two days of panic and crying. and then u move on. lol. and this is amazing. rlly. it’s so warm. and sunny. palmy. really pretty.

whimsy. someone used that word recently. to describe the houses decorated for xmas here. and I was like omg. whimsy. recently during a critique someone told me to follow that whimsy down to its logical conclusion. and i’ve been repeating those words ever since. it’s all u can do. follow the whimsy until it ends and then move on to the next. I feel v resolved about this.

um. that’s all I have to say.

“if you do get lost, go back to the surface. nothing wrong with that at all”
-bw

go back to what u know. run away and get out of there. there’s nothing wrong w wanting the person who’s loved u forever to give u hug and make everything right again. just get outta the deep and dry off for a bit. reorient yourself. so u can go deeper next time. everything in life is preparing u for the next thing. sure there r times of shallowness but there r also times of deepness, ya know. occasionally u will get lost. but up is always up and that’s usually pretty clear so it’s cool just go back to the surface and feel dat relief for a bit. i’m not gonna lie and say that cold water doesn’t suck and heartache doesn’t hurt. but eventually it ends. so get in that water and go through it. and know that up is always right there. and be amazed at the fact that your body can actually handle it even when u think u can’t. the ache is awful I know. kjfdfakdljda. it was so cold today. but the minute I shut up and went under, I just kept going going going. and eventually realized how incredible everything was. rocks and fish and nothingness. enough nothingness to make a newbie panic. and I was like, this is fucking terrifying and amazing. terrifying and amazing. I love that. and eventually we came back to the surface and I was like, wow, I can’t believe I survived that. I learned so much and now i’m here and i’m a new person. and wow. here I am on the surface and that cold air is making this view amazing. where am I. I guess it was worth it. ima stick on the surface for a lil while. but i’m rlly glad that god isn’t mad when I get lost. bc eventually he’s gonna send me down there again. I hope it’s warmer next time lol.

my final ode to diving for a while gotta stop talking about it so much it’s getting weird.

it’s been a good semester