a week of love bugs & sunsets & lotsa lotsa drama & way too much talking about chickens.

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mkay so yesterday I was running and I caught up to mad & ken and they were standing there watching me run towards them and pointing behind me. so I stopped running and looked behind me and that sky is what I saw. and obviously the pic does no justice. and I was like, what I had no idea this was behind me. it’s all full circle ya know. sometimes u don’t realize what you’re running away from. u run and run and then finally look back and realize how amazing everything is. u were exactly where u were supposed to be the whole time. who knew. just gotta shut up and be nice to ppl and say what u want and go along w life. I guess. 🙂

I didn’t realize what I was running from until I looked behind me

A few days ago I went on a run like usual. I was going my normal route when I decided to turn into this neighborhood and ran through it and ended up going in a different direction on a busy road towards a Publix. I was like, well this isn’t a very pretty route but whatever. and I kept running. at one point I got bored and knelt down and played on my phone for two minutes. and then I suddenly had this urge to run to the outlet and catch the sunset. I was like, if I hurry I might still catch the sun setting. so I got up turned around and ran. and I got to the outlet, and, let me tell u.

2020-05-09 03:12:55 +0000

the sun was setting literally. I could literally see the sun move. i’ll never be able to explain to u how beautiful it was. I was watching this little fire ball go down behind the water. and the sky. the sky was eighty different shades of blue and white and yellow. it was truly eight dimensional. there was so much supernatural-god-holy-shit wonder to the whole thing. I was like, when the timing is perfect, it usually means that you had nothing to do with it. I kept repeating those words to myself. I felt the promise. I felt this holy promise being told to me, that the timing would work out perfectly.

if I hadn’t taken such a weird route, the timing wouldn’t have been so flawless. the timing. the timing timing timing timing. everything will work out completely in perfect unison. that’s god’s promise. there will be times of waiting and running around kinda confused. and there will be times when u have these urges and know exactly what to do. trust is all u can do in both.

the craziest thing is, that morning I had prayed to god at my little work cubicle that he would give me a sign and control my breathing for the day. waiting for something always makes me cling more.

eventually the sun went completely down. and I didn’t want to leave but I had to. and I was like, man I have to remember this moment forever. and then I realized that this literally happens every day. the sun sets daily. we get this daily reminder of this assuring promise. that’s a v nice arrangement. extremely nice. mkay. that’s all.

wait no it isn’t. I forgot to mention that this was on the caloosahache river. where I had kayaked the day before, and gotten lost, and spent a lot a lot of time on. that was an amazing experience too. so good. so so good. wow. what a life. what a blessed life. man. it’s insane. like so insane. worth sharing with someone. ugh. but timing. timing is always going to be good. mkay. chao. for real.

2020-05-09 01:19:37 +0000

follow the whimsy. all I can say.

“that’s just what these old folks looking for a quiet retired life in south florida want— a crusading 22 year old.”
– steve

it’s one of those things where like suddenly all the success in the world means nothing and is incredibly unimpressive. who r the heroes rlly. the lunch ladies. and nurses. & bus drivers. and grocery store clerks. and the friendly neighbors u never cared about before. the outsiders r always more empathetic. they’ve spent their whole lives ppl watching & working & being belittled.

jesus didn’t hang out w successful ppl. he hung out w the fringe ppl. his movement was the counterculture. the antiestablishment. the underground nonconforming honest gritty all-inclusive gypsy club. how do ppl not get this. they were trying to save the world. they were such obvious flawed outsiders. I don’t get why ppl think christians r these innocent naive perfect ppl now. there’s nothing tru about that. I mean it’s tru that real christians r extremely generous and kind. but it’s not bc they’re rule followers. it’s bc their hearts r literally different. they have a rlly different perspective. & they’re ok w being outsiders. i’ve met so many kind ppl of late. & their stories are decades long & gritty & rlly honest.

my old boss once said that the minute u have a problem, u become an outsider too. all these kind ppl out here who have been kind their whole lives r suddenly being thanked for it. bc suddenly the problems r bigger than our comfortable little american lives can compensate for. mkay. chao.

“hallelujah nevertheless was the song pain couldn’t destroy”

lovely. so lovely. I luv it. pain happens obviously. but bittersweetness is what differentiates art from pleasure. bam. anything deep or meaningful or worthwhile has to be weathered up, ya know. pushed further. hurt a little bit. but pain sucks obviously. it always sucks. & all of this hope is hard to feel in the moment. but it’s possible. life is ultimately sweet. that’s all.

life update of past 4 months

mkay life update. i’m officially a working lady. the office life is one of those things i’ve always feared but the truth is that the world is just one big place with a lot of people in a lot of smaller places and some day you will find yourself in one particular place for a time, and u just have to embrace that place and ride with it. & it’s been rlly nice. & I am shook by the fact that I got this job right when all of this covid crisis hit the states. the timing was supernatural. idk how else to explain it. allow me to tell the full story…

I graduated in december a messed up wreck of melodramatic insanity. I was a mess. I’d left early & moved states & had no purpose or whatever & it all happened so suddenly bc I hadn’t rlly planned anything and so I found myself all broken & struggling to let go & ugh it was a strange time. looking back it was fun & cray but at the time I was a legit mess. for months. 2-3 months. some times I was messier than others. and the whole time I was learning a lot. a lot. & healing. but it was rad cray. & I was rlly self absorbed. I rlly think that college inevitably turns u into a narcissist for a little bit & it can’t be helped. anyway. I was learning so much & growing & getting into those spiritual vibes. and slowly slowly slowly. regaining my sanity. facing challenges & trials & growth & learning to trust my gut/soul. still interviewing. even saying no to offers that didn’t feel right. I was in a good groove of applying & being intentional & yada yada yada.

& right as I was finally coming to a state of healed sanity, the rest of america was tumbling into a crisis. my friends found out they wouldn’t have a graduation ceremony & would never go back to class. & suddenly I could not believe that the lord had spared me & allowed me to graduate before all of this. literally. I was completely shook & shocked & chillingly scared. scared of just how blessed I had been. after all of the whining & running I had done, the whole time god was just like, just wait kid u have no idea what I have saved u from. literally. the lord. how could he do this. all it took was 20 minutes in my advisor’s office my junior year, when I learned that I could graduate early & decided to do it. changed my life. I didn’t even know my fam would move to FL at the time. there was so much I didn’t know. idk why I got to have the closure & the joy & the celebration before I moved away. Idk why god granted me that. I’m so grateful. & i’m so blown away. the gratefulness hurts. but it’s just a testament to the fact that ugh god is real ppl. just look at me. look at my dad. he’s real & he legit provides. u have no idea.

& the very week that everything started to close, I received a job offer. & this time, for a lot a lot of reasons, I could feel in my soul that it was right. 3 days before fl issued a stay at home order, I started my new job. what. & somehow I work for a health company, so our jobs are essential. & for the past 3ish weeks i’ve been going to work while the rest of the world stays home. the tables have turned. my timing is completely flipped. but that’s the thing. it’s not even my timing. like, I had no impact on this. I did nothing to deserve this. it was god’s timing. I just hope that when I tell ppl my story, they realize how crazy it is that anything worked out the way it did. I mean this is legendary stuff. & I swear I had nothing to do w it. I’m as shocked as everyone else.

& now so many friends & so many ppl are in their homes. and they r depressed and hysterical & going through similar things I went through 4 months ago. & now that i’ve experienced & survived those things, & now that i’m sane again, I get to empathize w those ppl. and I rlly rlly hope that somehow my story-slash-support-slash-listening ear will help them. the lord has arranged everything for a reason. & I have no idea what that reason is. that’s the thing. u never know the impact u have on another person. just gotta be kind & shut up. & be intentional even if u never understand why.

I’m so grateful & shook & trembling. I have no idea why the lord has been so gentle with me. for three months I couldn’t see it. I didn’t know what was around the corner. & a lot of ppl feel the same way now. & I ache for them. but there’s so much hope. eventually.

my rabbi recently said to me “all you have is your story.” it’s so so tru. my story is still fairly short, but this is part of it. I never could have come up with this stuff on my own. rlly. there’s so much more I could tell u about the past 2.5 weeks. the point is that everyone gets a story. & the longer u live, the more dramatic it gets.

ride the waves that come to you. six months at a time. ❤

mkay ima take a brief break from the online social world. chao

happy easter. one time in the bible jesus walked around alone in the desert for 40 days and apparently didn’t eat anything. can u imagine? while he was there satan literally showed up and started talking mad smack to him.

maybe in your own self isolation u find yourself having to face your own demons. that can be terrifying. but the elephant in the room is that there’s something inherently wrong with all of us. & at some point all the ways we distract ourselves from that fact will break.

all I know is that clearly god has helped me. i’m not some whack ass brainwashed pk. I believe bc i’ve literally witnessed him change my life. there comes a point when the math falls apart and I cannot logically blame chance for everything that has happened. i’m no idiot.

why is my life the way it is? I mean rlly. what other explanation do I have.

mkay that’s all.

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ugh. lots of crisis all around. ppl can’t work, kids missing lunch, dying sick ppl, countries unprepared. depressed college graduates. months and months and months.

it’s tragic for a lot of ppl and here I am very very privileged and blessed and with a good job & house living at the bottom of the sunshine state with a thousand hobbies & a daily run past the sunset & good friends & good health. and so much comfort. my life hasn’t always been this chill & it won’t always, but that’s where I find myself rn. u go through seasons, and sometimes u find yourself pretty rich while the ppl around u r not. there’s a reason you’ve been blessed in that moment. be grateful duh, but also empathize with everyone. listen & give & do as much as possible. share ur hope. just be yourself & trust that somehow it’s helping. even if you never get to know the details. sometimes all you can do is let things be and trust. ugh.

just be yourself & trust that somehow it’s helping. I luv that.

“Keep seeking to love him and the next person that he places in front of you, and trust him to take care of the rest.”
– kdm

whenever I get freaked out, I want to run away. but the truth is that even when you run away, u can’t escape your thoughts. you can’t just stop thinking about something because you’ve gone somewhere new. your soul doesn’t work like that. apparently.

the only way you can truly let go of something is if you intentionally release it and trust the man upstairs. it’s hard. honestly. but usually the things you want are pretty lame in comparison to what’s actually going to happen. so look at what’s right in front of you. and fully embrace it while it’s there. it might go away eventually. when it does, don’t sulk over it. release it and look up again to see the new thing in front of you. it’s a bittersweet process but that’s life for u.

last night I told my dad that the journey is just as important as the destination. and he was like, do you really think that’s true? the ending is pretty important. what he meant is that if eternity is real, then this current life is temporary, and thus, everything we do is expendable. we have to be willing to risk it all for the sake of the ending. how many causes would u would be willing to die for?
it’s easy to be an activist. it’s a lot harder to be a martyr.

yowza.

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“I kind of liked unemployed Meg she was funny. She was a lot to handle but fun to watch. Made me feel like my own life was put together.”

^ Aww now i’m gonna miss these days. see, the thing about nostalgia and the present and shit is that if you’re an idiot, you won’t find contentment in a moment until it is behind you. but of course you learn these things as you go. so now I know. you’ve got to treasure every single moment of your little life. if I play my cards right, I may never be unemployed again. i’ll be a working professional for the rest of my life. sigh. holy cow I am so grateful for the past three months. I was so weird but really it was fun.

  • I moved to fl
  • worked in a print shop
  • worked at a construction co
  • befriended the elderly
  • got a boating license
  • interviewed with the miami HEAT. what.
  • ran a THIRTY k.
  • crashed car
  • broke laptop screen
  • took a relationship class
  • became a runner
  • became a kate spade sales associate. ish
  • tried to move to guatemala
  • painted
  • became a greeter
  • and a storyteller
  • & photographer
  • interviewed EIGHT TEEN times
  • interviewed with NEW MEXICO’S SOCCER TEAM. what what.
  • did a life purpose study
  • took a hand lettering class

I thought that after college I would have to give up my days of being an introspective moody girl. but the truth is I will be moody for the rest of my life. u never stop learning. existence is sappy like that. just take it 6-to-8 months at a time.

life. happens. 3-to-6-to-8 months at a time. give or take.

NEW MEXICO’S SOCCER TEAM WTF adlfjdlkjflkf

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“all you have is your story.”

hw: 1 minute shpeal. how u came + your life with jesus. explaining the hope that’s in you.

ok ok lets do this PLAYAAAAA

All I know

I have believed and known who Jesus is for most of my life. And honestly, I’m still a mess. But knowing Jesus has given me hope for my life and completely changed my intentions. I can feel it in my very soul. I can’t imagine what I would do without it.

All I know is that clearly it has helped me. I am a crazy, obsessive, vain, insecure person. I’m emotional & never content. Like, ridiculously emotional. Like, sooooo melodramatic. Always dreaming of something better, or wanting something I can’t have, or wanting to be something I’m not. But so much of what humans do on a daily basis is a form of coping. I’ve starved myself, I’ve isolated, chased after boys, obsessed over photos of myself, daydreamed, amped up the adrenaline, tried to run away.

But numbing any aches I feel just doesn’t get to the root of the problem.

For me, I’ve found that Jesus is the ultimate way to cope with everything I struggle with. And I truly believe that if I didn’t believe in God, I would be emo and 86 pounds right now. And honestly maybe dead. All I know is that this faith gives my life direction. And that whenever I feed into that spirit, my life is more colorful and meaningful, and I eventually find that content-ness. I’m not perfect, life is still hard sometimes, but my heart has changed, and I am blown away at all the times God has saved me and protected me and cared for me. Even in the times when I was a little whiny wreck. That’s all I know.

I’ve watched God care for my family when my dad went without a job for a year. I’ve watched him make everything so easy and simple for me through every move. Hindsight makes everything clearer, and there have been so many moments I’ve whined & haven’t understood that came completely full circle later. All I know is that my faith has helped me, and it’s made everything about my life more intentional.

sometimes a moment is so sweet that you’d might as well just hang onto it and remember if fondly for the rest of your life. even if everything about that moment explodes into nothingness that u can never go back to. might as well keep that remnant memory in your little head forever. maybe paint it idk. let it inspire u. and just trust that whatever happens past that moment is going to be good. for all parties. bittersweetness is the stuff of artists.

“all you have is your story”
– r

_________________

“what’s something absolutely terrible that could happen to you that you absolutely wouldn’t be able to handle?”
– r

__________________

“I can’t change it, so what can I learn so I can help the next person who goes through this?”
– r

__________________

“staying in the past is depression, staying in the future is anxiety. but being present is freedom”
– m

__________________

“i’m wrong. it’s less about where you are, more about who you’re with”
– me

let it be let it be let it be let it be. in due time ugh.
waiting is just as important as doing. they’re the same thing. I guess. last night kenzie and I walked to the outlet. we walked to the outlet. what the heck. anyway, I was like, even tho i’m waiting for my life to start in a lot of ways I rlly do like it here & I like this time a lot. and kenzie was like, u r being used here, too. u r teaching little kids things & u r teaching me things. & I was like, woah that’s deep kenzie.
I don’t know when everything is going to change. I know it will eventually. but I don’t have to rush it. life happens three days at a time. 6 months is too stressful to think about so ima say 3 days. sometimes u just gotta let things be for a bit. just a bit. & wait for the right thing. if u r so privileged.
this time is just as important as the next. let it be.
don’t do something conventional bc u think u have to. maybe it doesn’t make sense to a lot of ppl but it does to u. create ur own path and don’t worry about it. that’s all.

u can speculate all u want but truly u just have to ride the waves that come to u.

i’m realizing that i’m an idiot. really. u can be an art slaying mastermind one day and then literally two seconds later become an obsessive pathetic ninny. I am that ninny. i’m also crazy. not even in a cute way. in an idiotic way. ugh.

u can speculate all u want but truly u just have to ride the waves that come to u. no thinking and wishing and analyzing will matter at all until the decision actually presents itself to u. u can want something, but if it doesn’t offer itself to u then it doesn’t matter. i’m talking about a particular job obviously. there’s no point in stressing about whether or not I will accept it until the decision becomes mine in the first place. until then I just gotta live my life and not sway for it. ya know.

live your life and don’t sway for it, hello. don’t sway for anything. ever! never conform!!!!!!! grrrrrr

of course it gets kinda hard to do that when u have to make one decision before u know whether or not u will be presented with another decision. i’m talking about when u get a different job offer before another job offer and u r like hmm let me get back to u so I can prolong all of this stress while none of these timelines add up.

“trust your gut. everyone will have different ideas about what you should do, but ultimately the decision is yours. and then, once u make your decision, it will be up to you to handle the consequences that result from that decision.”

“make the best decision you can and then embrace wherever you end up.”

“you’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. that’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.”

u can speculate all u want but truly u just have to ride the waves that come to u.

so stop speculating. ldjkflakjdflkjdflk

aye this week. oh my god. oh my god. L;SKJFGOPISDFJLKSDJF,MC

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church notes from december. what else would the pastor’s child be writing in her sketchbook. man that paper was top quality I miss it.

christmas was a good time everything was still new and giddy. so much has happened in two point five months. but life happens 6 months at a time. or 2 months. or 3 days. todo estara bien.

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when I first started college I remember being really freaked out because suddenly how I performed in school was directly linked to who I was as a person. when u make art or design things, u can’t help having your own style. and that style just inevitably links to ur identity. and when u r young u r still figuring these things out. and u r still refining your taste/style/preconceptions/knowledge/etcetera. so when u go to a crit, and ppl critique your work, u feel like they r critiquing who u r as a person. u feel it in ur very soul. and I remember being shocked at first. because suddenly my very core of my self was hanging on a wall for ppl to look at and criticize. and it was terrifying and new and strange. and then over time we learned to distance ourselves from our work a little bit, and not let crits slice our souls. but as we were doing that, our work was getting better and better. and we were growing up. and our quote-unquote-styles were refining themselves. we got polished up, I guess u could say. and now, when I look at my portfolio, I can see it again. I can see my very self in everything. and it’s a nice, more mature, less-worried-about-what-other-ppl-think version. and the crits still come. and sometimes they r useful. and sometimes I push back. and idk what i’m trying to say here rlly. but I guess what I mean is that as u grow up, u get more and more polished, and u become more and more and more of who u rlly rlly r in your soul. and the feedback & experience & practice helps. it all shapes u. the confidence comes earned. and the more u embrace & discover who u r & reveal it through your work, the more ppl tend to look at u and your work and say wow. they find u intriguing. and personal branding weaves itself in all of this somehow. but that’s for another time. just cultivate that gut. refine those instincts. and u won’t have to fake your own brand so much. u will be unique on ur own.

maturity comes earned & over time. I met some old ppl recently who had been through so much hardship. and I told my dad, i’ve been so whiny lately about my easy life, but these ppl r so tough. and my dad said, yes they are tough. but when they were your age, they weren’t tough.

life refines u, polishes u, strengthens u on its own. all comes in due time.

i’m such a wise little college graduate.

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interviews

live list of interviews i’ve had. we r killing it lol

  1. guatemala
  2. printer
  3. travel marketing agency
  4. basketball team 01
  5. book publisher 01
  6. international campaign agency
  7. basketball 02
  8. brand/design agency
  9. motorcycle retail design whatever thing
  10. book publisher 02
  11. branding & marketing agency
  12. interior design company
  13. kate spade
  14. interior design co 02
  15. soccer
  16. nutrition co
  17. nutrition 02
  18. new york

cast your net out wide kids. it’s exhausting but u learn so much about who u r and what u want & what is possible.

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et en arcadia ego. UGH.

millionaires build houses across the street from where I live. old people retire here. but even in paradise life sucks.

ppl lose their sweethearts to dementia. boyfriends lie. kids stress about college & girls have panic attacks & parents die. bodies stop working. people hate themselves. there’s so much ache here. so much. old people literally come here to die. and then what’s next? what is all of this future for?

but so many of these old sweethearts say they’ve had a good run. they’re sitting in the hospital chuckling and staring in the distance and nodding that it’s been good. they’re quiet & accepting & they know so much more than I do.

no mansion on the beach will make u happy. no job or swagger or college or talent or life path. bc at the end of the day one of us is going to be sitting on a hospital bed. and I hope to god that if it’s me, my wrinkled face is cute af. and that someone is by my side telling me none of it was a waste. everything was worth it. and they’re so glad they found me.

run awayyyyy.

I finally jumped into the pool tonight. kenzie thinks she invented that or something. before I jumped I had a moment and looked at the sky and tried to feel a sign from God or something. but all I could feel was god being like, no i’m not gonna give you a sign why are you even doing this it’s gonna be dumb and cold. so I did it. and it was so cold. I hate the cold wtf. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. it was miserable. I thought it would be this refreshing experience but it just made me angry.

i’ve just been so impulsive lately. tryna jump into anything that will keep me distracted. I almost took a job at an ice cream shop what the heck. I caused a car accident bc I was running like a crazy person. I broke into my own car. and got stuck in a tree. I broke my car. & my computer. & tried to move to guatemala. I just want to run awayyyy. but I don’t think god is going to let me move forward until I stop jumping into cold water like an idiot. ya gotta wait. it out. and not do things just to do things. but I do think I need to stay off the grid for a while. no more social media. hide & avoid anything that’s messing up my emotional sanity. move on. ya know. disappear for a bit. let go. I don’t have a choice honestly. I mean god literally hacked my instagram. gotta listen to god.

so…. chao!

“I’ll probably never have grandkids. Everybody’s afraid to date the pastor’s daughters. Ya’ll are probably bigger sinners than they know.”

-my mother

IM DYING OH MY GOD ALDJFLAKJDSFLKJDKFJASKL

kindness breeds kindness.

UGH HALDFKJASDLFJakldsj

u never know the impact u have on another human being. just gotta be kind and shut up, ya know.

val

preppin those chicos for valentines day. oh god.

love is something you feel, u choose, & u do. & love requires sacrifice.

these things are ancient and they’re art. & here I am teaching these kids the things that have been true forever and ever. and here we are celebrating valentines day and the fact that love exists. and in celebrating that we r also acknowledging the loneliness we all feel. everything is ancient & we r all the same. we’re aching. & we’re longing. for love. ofc.

LOVEEEEEE ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

I was talking to this older lady the other day and telling her about how emotionally weird college is for all of us, and she said something like, I really feel sorry for you young people these days. it seems like u all have to act like you’re doing fine even though you’re depressed, & u cope by numbing yourself & ghosting ppl. & I thought about how many of my friends r actually depressed, and it’s true. young people have it so hard. so so hard. there r a thousand ppl telling us to get jobs that we will hate like that’s the goal or something. messaging is the dumbest shit & nobody’s relationally on the same page. we’re just a mess. it’s all a mess. & we go along w it which is so dumb.

& i’m telling these kids about how we can love others like i’m some expert or something. but the truth is that these truths r true forever & we just gotta go back to them. those ancient paths. the fact that real love requires sacrifice. giving up your time or your things or your words or service. u gotta know who u r, and why other people matter. & u gotta care enough to love them regardless of how scared u r. insecurity is a luxury we can’t afford.

if i want a relationship to last, i can’t love someone for selfish reasons. because then it becomes conditional, & it will eventually end. man speaking in ‘i’ statements sucks. but I get it. thx ds1. happy val day. ❤

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i feel v blessed to live in a city that has a yacht port. like what.

i have this theory that ft myers isn’t a real place but is actually a magic portal. and if u find yourself in ft myers, it means u need to be healed or something. the wildest things happen here. u run into ppl u know at the weirdest times. everything feels like an anomaly. and everywhere u go there are a thousand grandmas ready to smile at u & call u sweetie.

and it’s always sunny. none of that seasonal depression.

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nostalgia for something yet experienced. <<<<sigh

oh man. humans can only be so creative in their dreams. the truth is that as great as they are, sometimes dreams can be limiting. but the easiest way to realize how amazing your life has turned out is to let go of all those dreams and expectations and just look in front of yourself. ofc you never expected to end up where u are. no one ever does. but your situation is completely unique, and it has shaped u and put u in a unique position for your specific purpose. so pursue those dreams. but also follow those urges. and embrace where you are. and just be grateful. and realize that there are a lot of people out there who are struggling or really do hate their lives. and consider how u can help. because that sucks.

the past five ish days

  • everything you break can be fixed
  • ride the whimsy
  • the hardest pursuit will be trust
  • in greek, grace and favor are the same word. that is completely wild
  • your job isn’t ur purpose but it can help u out or put u in a unique position
  • when u dive deep it’s easier to get lost but getting lost is ok 🙂
  • this:
  • “nostalgia for something yet experienced”
  • ^^^^
  • nostalgia for something yet experienced.
  • ^UGH so lovely
  • sheep. i’m a wandering sheep
  • sometimes u have to be forced to lie down in green pastures to get your soul restored
  • I am expendable
  • even jerks are people. even though ugh they r so selfish. u just gotta keep being kind patient and understanding
  • run towards not away
  • total peace
  • trial and comply
  • u can mess up so much and still find favor
  • why have u moved so many times in ur life
  • everything shapes and prepares you.
  • just don’t worry. like chill
  • it’s a rlly nice feeling when u find clothes that actually fit u

u know people we never have any damn clue where we’re gonna end up in life. sometimes that can make us anxious until we have a lead. but the truth is you have no idea what’s waiting around the next corner. and you just have to go with the flow and enjoy yourself as you do. TRUST. it’s all about trust. that’s why I can’t imagine a life without believing in a higher power. if there’s nothing to trust in, I mean, you’d might as well be anxious all the time. because none of what I just said would be true. the universe owes u nothing; things may never work out for u, no matter how long u wait.

it’s no wonder our entire society brags about that whole boss bitch-grind life. because if u don’t trust in anything, there’s no way that things will work out for you unless ur a savage bitch on the grind. u’ve gotta fight for yourself because nothing else in the world is.

so the thing about trusting in a god and believing that things will eventually work out for you, is that it takes all of that anxiety and savage bitch-drive away. you don’t have to worry about yourself all the time, because you know that you will be taken care of. and that knowledge gives you peace. and that peace is what frees you to think about the people around you. and to start helping and caring for them. there is no compassion without a release of the self. think about maslow’s hierarchy.

and that is why religion is so important to a society. suck it.

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i don’t mean to be all vsco but making gifs is too easy & look at that view

“Never conform…but do comply when logical.”

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today someone said that life is hard. and it’s true. it’s easy to get distracted and think that everything is supposed to be convenient. and it’s so great to be happy. but what about the millions of people around u who r not? what do we do

& where do u go when u have no roots.

“it’s crazy how the days of the week just keep happening.” – meg

“I have a bunch of tabs open of youtube videos I want to watch.” – darth

today on my jungle safari I stopped at a little deck overlooking the water and stood at the fence watching all the old people around me. I wanted to ask them how they had figured out what to do with the past half century of their lives. how did they get to this point? how did it all work out for them? of course standing there in front of the pretty water and thinking these things made me cry. so there I was in the middle of a park crying silently amongst a bunch of happy old people. i never cry this much what is the deal. anyway my point isn’t that i’m a melodramatic wuss even though I guess I am. the point is that sometimes u feel heartache and you can’t really escape it. no matter how much you distract yourself. or you try to cope. that physical feeling in your heart just stays there. can’t be masked really. not sober at least. even when u know that of course things will work out eventually. your head just can’t convince yourself to calm down. being in touch with how you really feel can hurt sometimes and I think that’s why we all try to cover it with the gluttony + over saturation of every single physical thing on this earth. but we should really all just ugly-cry more. let it all out. really. stop burying it w stuff and just release it. when is the last time u wept like a baby? maybe you should.

even jesus wept. and he’s more of a man than any of us so it doesn’t break any of those stereotyping man codes or whatever. just go ahead and cry. humans have the ability to weep for a reason. survival of the fittest duh.

ease of living.

happy January.

omg also. sky jewelry. that’s what the msg calls stars. sky jewelry. sigh. this world.

I look up at your macro-skies, dark and enormous,
your handmade sky-jewelry,
Moon and stars mounted in their settings.
Then I look at my micro-self and wonder,
Why do you bother with us?
Why take a second look our way?

“if you’re not amazed most of the time you’re not paying attention” 🙂

maybe i have too much time on my hands. lol. idk. i’d rather write in my little soap box than fix up my resume, or clean up dat portfolio, or figure out my rates and whatever. we r saving the world here. one rant at a time.

yesterday my grandma said that sometimes she gets completely stressed thinking about what she’ll make for dinner. and that when she lets it go for a while and comes back to it later, usually things work out fine. ugh. my heart. this is why a diet of veggie burgers and bagged salad is totes ok. changing up your meals is just stressful and i’m over it. nothing wrong w eating the same thing every day it’s nbd geez relieves so much stress ugh.

also. what a great point, grandma. if you’re unsure about something, just stop thinking about it for a minute. or try at least. ugh. jlksdjflksd.fdfjddlfjalsd.fa. god it’s hard.

but then when you return to it, perhaps things will work out for themselves. or the answer will be more clear. just take a little nap or something and maybe after a few naps you’ll have a dream that will fix everything.

everything

it can be extremely difficult to figure out when it’s time to stop hiding in the bushes and just be explicit about everything u have to say. there r a million people speaking already and it’s so much easier to just leave teeny tiny breadcrumbs for the ppl who care enough to search for them. but the truth is that u r fooling urself if u think any of this is discoverable. u r hiding more than u admit. that’s what I mean. and there are a million voices, certainly. millions of ppl r already shouting their thoughts into society’s void. and it’s difficult to rationalize why you should too.

labels make life a disaster. it’s so easy to mark someone as a player and explain all of their actions away as selfish and insincere. or call someone a prig and think that everything they do is judgmental and naive. but rlly in the end, everyone just doesn’t want to be alone. and some ppl can’t be trusted. and some ppl have weird habits. but keeping your distance out of fear will do nothing except make u sad later. there’s nothing wrong with being kind, rlly ever.

mkay new yrs resolves.

  1. start rlly caring about other people more bc I feel like I got selfish in college. ready to grow up ya know. and get into that serve mindset.
  2. get back into running gotta stay in shape
  3. had a third one that was rlly good ugh I can’t remember

we’ve been talking a lot about how we don’t “feel” christmas here bc it’s seventy degrees. but I think the truth for me is that i’ve been too self-involved lately to even consider christmas. ya know, to rlly ~feel~ anything, u have to stop being distracted and actually sit down and think about it. so maybe the reason it doesn’t feel like xmas or whatever has less to do with the cultural biases of american holiday songs and more to do w all of our distractions. if u want, pause for 3 minutes and consider how you’re alive and why christmas exists. and then carry on. to feel xmas, we gotta feel beyond ourselves. ya know, empathy. ✌️

i am no longer eating sweets, gluten, & dairy. for the rest of the yr. swear on my life.

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you can rlly feel it when u r amongst ppl who truly believe in their hearts everything to do with christian spirituality. the vibes r so unique. ppl r kind even when they r annoyed. there’s just this sense of love. and non-intensity. the fights r different. they never feel like the end of the world. they all end in apologies bc that’s the only way u can ever survive a fight. truly. saying srry ends all wars. u can say literally anything u want and it doesn’t feel like u r saying it just to prove yourself. curse away but just know that ppl will prob laugh at u bc they don’t take u seriously. and u don’t have to take yourself so seriously. bc it’s going to be ok. at the end of the day the ppl around u know that everything is eternal and eventually it’s all going to be ok. I don’t know how else to explain it. ppl who rlly believe in jesus r just different. I mean sure there r a lot of fake believers out there. but the ones who rlly believe just rlly stand out. they’re peculiar. and safe. and not perfect at all trust me. but they get that, and they allow for it. and they don’t expect u to be perfect either. ppl get all out of whack when they expect things from others. the spiritual vibe—it’s just rlly nice. all i’m saying.

I am currently sitting on a balcony. a balcony attached to my room. listening to crickets. not cold at all. it’s quite nice.

it’s amazing to think that two days ago I was crying like crazy. idk. but it’s always that way. the week before u move, u go through like two days of panic and crying. and then u move on. lol. and this is amazing. rlly. it’s so warm. and sunny. palmy. really pretty.

whimsy. someone used that word recently. to describe the houses decorated for xmas here. and I was like omg. whimsy. recently during a critique someone told me to follow that whimsy down to its logical conclusion. and i’ve been repeating those words ever since. it’s all u can do. follow the whimsy until it ends and then move on to the next. I feel v resolved about this.

um. that’s all I have to say.

“if you do get lost, go back to the surface. nothing wrong with that at all”
-bw

go back to what u know. run away and get out of there. there’s nothing wrong w wanting the person who’s loved u forever to give u hug and make everything right again. just get outta the deep and dry off for a bit. reorient yourself. so u can go deeper next time. everything in life is preparing u for the next thing. sure there r times of shallowness but there r also times of deepness, ya know. occasionally u will get lost. but up is always up and that’s usually pretty clear so it’s cool just go back to the surface and feel dat relief for a bit. i’m not gonna lie and say that cold water doesn’t suck and heartache doesn’t hurt. but eventually it ends. so get in that water and go through it. and know that up is always right there. and be amazed at the fact that your body can actually handle it even when u think u can’t. the ache is awful I know. kjfdfakdljda. it was so cold today. but the minute I shut up and went under, I just kept going going going. and eventually realized how incredible everything was. rocks and fish and nothingness. enough nothingness to make a newbie panic. and I was like, this is fucking terrifying and amazing. terrifying and amazing. I love that. and eventually we came back to the surface and I was like, wow, I can’t believe I survived that. I learned so much and now i’m here and i’m a new person. and wow. here I am on the surface and that cold air is making this view amazing. where am I. I guess it was worth it. ima stick on the surface for a lil while. but i’m rlly glad that god isn’t mad when I get lost. bc eventually he’s gonna send me down there again. I hope it’s warmer next time lol.

my final ode to diving for a while gotta stop talking about it so much it’s getting weird.

it’s been a good semester

quotes from thanksgiving 2019:

“I’m at my best when I’m a free bird!”

“Holidays make the world a beehive.”

“I’m getting a lava lamp.”

“I got a lava lamp.”

“Welcome to our collaborative workspace.”

“I was thinking we could have a shelf wall.”

“I’m getting everyone a Toblerone for Christmas.”

“When would you want the pool lights to flash like that???”
“Maybe when you’ve taken substances and want to heighten the effects?”

“Come join us, Madi. I’m serenading everyone from the balcony.”

“Stop whining. You have the world at your fingertips.”
“But I feel like the world is slipping from my fingertips.”

“Things of this earth aren’t competitions of God; they’re reflections of God.”

“You think 9:30 is early?”

“Easter?”

“I’m deleting our conversations and all of my social media accounts.”

“What if I put the Napoleon wig under the Santa Hat…”

“You have pretty eyes.”

“I think you’ll fit in here because Floridians are weird.”

“I’m making friendship bread.”

“Trader Joe’s.”

“Birds aren’t real.”

“I’m taking a shower. See you in 2030.”

“Should I try a cat eye?”

“I feel rootless.”

art school bathroom selfies

y is this a thing idk but it is lol and i’m not alone it’s quite common.

maybe i’m a narcissist. i think i’m also tryna take in everything i’m experiencing. document moments. and think rlly hard about them. treasure them & whatnot. soak it all up & remember things. apparently i’m a v introspective person.

ya know. it doesn’t usually hurt to wear ur heart on ur sleeve. might as well. tell the whole world u want to live in santa fe & eventually someone important will hear u.

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cs lewis said we read to know we r not alone. I guess I need to read more. everyone feels alone at some point. every single body. it sucks but everyone has felt that awful sick feeling of emptiness. ugh it’s the worst. u know what im talking about? where ur heart actually feels empty. it’s so strange. but it’s this real sensation. I think ppl who experience major change have prob felt it more. it will hit u when u realize that the world is so much bigger than your daily routine. that the minute u leave your town, u r surrounded by an entirely new group of people who have no idea who u r. that’s when ur heart feels empty.

it can suck to feel things sometimes. especially ache. there’s no getting around it, tho. u gotta feel it. and then write about it. so ppl know they r not alone.

on sunday the reverend was talking about how luke wrote down his account of what happened with jesus so that his friend theo would have “certainty.” he was literally writing his personal experiences down so that others would be encouraged and feel validated enough to believe. sharing ur account of your life gives other ppl faith. so ya writing is freaking important. even in 2019. it’s the only way u can say something without getting interrupted.

um. I feel like a feather.

also. i’m going to fail this guitar test tomorrow.

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I’m telling u it was even more colorful than this. soooooo colorful. so bright. beautiful sky. so many people. u had to be there.

let me tell u the story of this project. every time I showed up to class, I had a completely different design. finally one day my prof scolded me: it’s good you’re taking feedback into account, but do you even like this version anymore? what do YOU want? you have to be able to know what you like and stick behind it. nothing that you’ve ever made has been bad—all of it works. I can tell you’re going to have a distinct design style in a few years. all of your options have been good. no, you don’t have a problem with simplifying things—you have a problem with developing things. so what do YOU want?! what does MEG want????

I wanted to weep into this lady’s arms. i’d never felt so seen in my life. so called out for my bs. it was like god was holding me by the face and asking me, what do YOU want??? who areeeeee you????? what’s your gut saying? hello?

it’s so hard to stay true to yourself when u don’t know who u are. or when you don’t know what you want, or when u have imposter syndrome. in other words, u gotta have confidence. confidence. it’s the only way u will ever figure out who you want to be, or who u want to be with, or what u even like in the first place. perhaps you’re not the world’s greatest designer, but u gotta take who u are and own it even if other ppl can’t c the potential of your design. even if other ppl vote for the other option. choose the one u like, and follow that whimsy down to its logical conclusion.

what does meggggg want??!#$@@!#$

trying to not fall asleep at the airport. so hard.

mkay mkay mkay mkay. empathy. how do u get more empathy. how do u care more. & ask good questions. how do u spend 5 minutes not thinking about yourself. how do u remember to stop worrying about being amazing. we take too many personality tests these days. we’re too self aware.

mkay. 6 minutes left

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one more day. one more long night and then it’s all over. what a pleasant 3.5 yrs it’s been. I mean not all pleasant but overall v pleasant. but ugh ive become such a narcissist. geez.

ugH. freedom. just round the corner. so much freedom.

life yens:
embrace dat beach life
move to desert + kick art butt
paint.
learn to surf.
run around
make rlly good friends
own a bird
save world
just like freaking chill

what’s the point in doing things u hate to make lots of money. ofc u need money to survive but why u gotta try to make so much. come with me instead. it’ll be more fun I promise.

actually I take it back. money is nice. I hope I marry a rich man. gosh that’d be so nice. I mean what would I even do with myself if my husband were rich. ew what would my purpose be. ew. i’m rlly conflicted. it would be so nice to be taken care of forever. but also like rlly annoying. gosh i’m rlly conflicted about this. what do women want. I have no idea.

can u imagine being loved by some rich guy who’s got his life together. is that even a real thing. ugh I would love to be adored like that. but geez men have such high expectations. and then they put this ideal version of u in their head. and then they get to know u and they’re disappointed. it’s so hard to keep up appearances.

keeping up any kind of appearance is rlly exhausting. I just want to eat cookies and stop caring.

time is running out. sigh.

advanced diving was today. it’s one of those moments when you’re really in the moment, but also not. ya know? like you’re in this kinda dazed state. and ur just kinda going w the flow. and then suddenly it hits u, oh my gosh. I am experiencing this moment right now. and u start to try to appreciate it. and then before you know it, it’s over. and it becomes a memory. I wish I were better at living in the moment. I wish I weren’t so in my head. I just get so dang distracted. earth to major tom.

hostile but intriguing vibes.

i’ll take it

also:

“If you do get lost, go back to the surface. Nothing wrong with that at all.”
—Dive Buddy

when u move a lot, u start to always feel slightly like an outsider wherever u go. so u learn to be observant. and u learn to look around and notice the way people arrange themselves. & u look for people on the outskirts. and u try to be open-minded. and i am grateful for this upbringing. but i think i’m forgetting these things. so it’s time to move again. rlly. i feel good about it.

i can’t imagine not shaking things up every 6 yrs and changing everything about ur life. how do other ppl do it. i guess it’s time

the ironic corruption of innocence (the word)

let’s talk about the fact that this word is used in a derogatory sense all the time. the term innocent means not guilty. free of any wrongs. and somehow that means u lack experience? u r missing out?

there is an archetypal concept of sacrificing something innocent to make amends for another’s grievances. jews killed lambs and the french republic killed Sydney Carton.

we think of innocent people like pharisees. the pharisees weren’t innocent. they were terrible prudes and not innocent. they were snobs and rule followers and religious jerks and yada yada yada.

jesus was innocent. do u think he was naive? do u think he missed out bc he never let himself go? what. that sounds so dumb.

the innocence of christ allowed him to sacrifice himself for others.

there is something incredibly weighty about setting your own desires aside for a greater good that u can’t fully understand. I can’t explain it. but d mil said this once and it’s sort of related:

As silly as it sounds, I realized, late that night, that other people had feelings and fears and that my interactions with them actually meant something, that I could make them happy or sad in the way that I associated with them. Not only could I make them happy or sad, but I was responsible for the way I interacted with them.

I think my point is that we have turned this grand word “innocent” into a way to insult virgins. when rlly its meaning is so much more weighty and complex and spans far far far far far past that. it has rlly nothing to do with nativity, when u think about its historical sense. they r 2 separate things. “naive” is an insult, sure, I guess. but to be “innocent,” well. I guess that’s a high and distinguished honor. that truly none of us deserve.

29

29- Manic Pixie Dream Girls |
These are a character type found in film. The term was coined by Nathan Rabin to describe the sort of one-dimensional, free-spirited, beautiful girl that serves to inspire the male protagonist on his journey. Apparently she’s a man’s fantasy: slightly eccentric in a sexy way, super dreamy and cute, she’s quirky and fun and has no baggage. The ideal innocent-but-soooooo-much-fun chick. She’s sooooooo hot. I mean cute, winky face. Blah blah blah. Shut up, patriarchy. But alas, perhaps it’s a woman’s fantasy to be a manic pixie dream girl.

#23

23- Space (Outer)
I have been informed that if you lined them up side-by-side, you could fit all of the planets in our solar system between Earth and the moon. All nine of them. Oops, I mean eight. Anyway, outer space is an incredible thing when you think about it. Even the term, “outer space.” I mean, it’s like we’re admitting that we have no idea what’s going on. We’re like, here is us in our little bubble of existence, and out there—out there in that space out there—yea, that’s the giant spread of endless nothingness we are floating in. Science! It’s so satisfying.

an encyclopedia of interesting things

04- The Golden Ratio |
Lets talk about the fact that our brains can sense when things are well-proportioned, aka balanced, and those perfect proportions make us interpret beauty, aka harmony. Many moons ago, early mathematicians and artists and think-y people sought to create order by mimicking the order found in nature. And somehow these ancient scholars managed to study nature and turn it into math. Euclid, Vitruvius, and the likes recognized that when two parts of a whole formed a ratio equal to the ratio formed by the larger part and the whole, it looked nice. Did you get all that? That’s fine. Just know that this little equation is the basis for the golden section—the proportional system that, like, kinda defines beauty to our eyes. Euclid called it “The Divine Proportion,” which is a crazy thought. Divine means “of or from God,” and here he is suggesting that these proportions were God-made, as if there is a higher power who has established the laws of beauty for the universe. Sweet stuff.

eccentric bird lady

I regret drinking coffee half an hour ago. considering that it’s now 12:15 am.

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I saw this sign recently and it made me feel many things. incredibly nostalgic. very happy. ancient. burdened. overwhelmed. hopeful. anxious. romantic. festive. lots of things. I wish I could quit everything and work at target for the holidays. maybe I will. there’s something so precious about holidays and traditions and familiar places and yada yada yada. every little moment slash experience slash job slash piece of history or culture is precious. idk. felt so many things.

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it’s a huge shame that fairy dust is harmful to the environment. there’s something obviously wrong with the human condition. fairy dust kills fish. I mean. we live in a fallen broken world. it shouldn’t be this way.

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I realllllyyyy love this sort of lemongrass green. it’s so lovely. it might be my fav color if I weren’t favorite-color debilitated after years of thinking my fav was orange bc I thought it had to be due to an event in fifth grade where I became labeled as the girl who loved orange. now i’m incapable of having a favorite color bc idk who I am + my fav color radar is broken. I could use a therapist. but only for color. i’m perfect in every other way…

a lil over a year ago I sat on a bench next to the parking garage on the phone with my mom while she told me the schedule for interviews + visits + decisions regarding florida. I remember being dramatic about the fact that the whole congregation had to vote. and I remember feeling like everything was happening quickly & slowly at the same time. and being so confident for the four people i’ve known longer than anyone. it had been a year of uncertainty for them, and now here I was on a bench, so much at peace about everything.

that’s the thing. never in my life could I have dreamed that I would one day sit on a bench at the university of georgia. I never expected to end up in georgia, how could I? u don’t get to plan ur life. and besides, ur own imagination sucks. but i’d have never guessed that one day I would study art in the middle of GA and meet a fish-loving rock climber who would become my best friend slash roommate and travel home to the beach for holidays and breaks. I mean. it’s been a pretty good life. that I never would have planned for myself.

the point is that I have this dream slash desire to move to new mexico and become an eccentric, amazing art lady with lots of birds. and parts of that dream might be worth having. but the truth is that life can take u in better ways than u could’ve imagined if u just go w it.

I was in the dominican republic once and this friend of ours was telling us about his life in a preachy sort of way. he said, dios ya ha escrito tu historia, which the translator translated as, god has already written your history. that word history struck & made me start crying behind my sunglasses.

do u get this? your history is already part of the story of the world. UGH. your legacy is already out there, in time & space somewhere. ur HISTORY has been written. I mean maybe u had to be there. but this was a powerful thought at the time.

ugh whatever fine u had to be there.

the coffee has not worn off. this is irritating.