Mack’s Secret Santa Gift

Dear Mackenzie,

I thought long and hard last night about what I should make you for secret santa, and I have decided to give you a long post listing all of the best parts of 2020 and our time in the Loft. Think of this as a digital encyclopedia of sorts. A place to go for reference and comfort. Hearing about Ravi Zacharias tonight, and experiencing the semi-sad Christmas Eve plan B service, and thinking about how many things have gone wrong in the world of late, it seems that the best gift I can possibly give you right now is hope. Despite all of the global despair, for some reason, you and I have found ourselves in this little God-gifted safe haven right now. And I think that it is important that we remember this, even if we do not yet understand why we are so blessed in this moment. We have to pay attention to the good, and to highlight it, and share it with others in an innocent way. That is your power, Mack, as a sincere believer and slave of Christ: your honest witnessing of the ways that God cares for you. So without further ado (adew?), here goes.

“Some of the best moments of my life happened in 2020.”
– MP

  • Sunsets
  • Angry Playlists
  • The I Dream of Genie Dance Recital
  • The Prayer Wall
  • The Bracelet Ministry We Accidentally Started
  • Collaborative Workspace
  • Shelf Wall
  • Tupac
  • My Weird Post-Grad Moody Phase
  • Skydiving

  • High School Graduation
  • The Ukelele
  • Gelly 94.1
  • Fishing
  • Uhmaze Bowls
  • Chocolattes
  • Your First Semester of College
  • The Chicken Phase
  • When I got a Job
  • Panera Bread Work Seshes
  • Your Pine Cove Interview
  • Madi’s Epic Flower Drawing Sesh
  • Boats
  • The Mountain Dance
  • Cereal
  • Porch Camping Trip
  • That Phase Where we Ran A Lot
  • Naples Botanical Garden
  • Climbing in St. Pete
  • Balcony Chats
  • Your Orange Hair
  • Kombucha
  • Being Kind to Everyone
  • All Our Melodramatic Panic-y Chats, really
  • You Meeting with Heidi
  • Growing Plants on the Balcony
  • Vegan Cheese
  • Backwards Baseball Caps
  • Kayacking
  • Watching Church from Home
  • Watching Church at Bennets
  • Falling Iguanas
  • Your Epic Tiger King Choir Final
  • Working in our Closet
  • Talking in Our Closet
  • Your Birthday
  • Frothing
  • Tyler Flood
  • Getting a Record Player
  • Staring into Dogs’ Eyes
  • Face Masks
  • Our Weekly Spiritual Themes
  • Helicopter Rides
  • Nightly Debriefs
  • Shopping
  • Developing Film Down the Street
  • Voting
  • Full Circles
  • Lots of Praying
  • Going to Universal
  • Chemistry
  • Love Bugs
  • The Hiding Place
  • The Drum Set
  • Parking Garages

I leave you with this. It’s Bastille’s latest release, created during quarantine. Apparently this was my second-most-played song on Spotify this year, which is dumb. But anyway. It’s like you’ve been saying, all we have to do is live our lives and impact the people around us. And pray endlessly. That’s all we can do. So stay hopeful. Keep believing in truth. And keep paying attention.

Merry Christmas.


Meg (yes i’m you’re secret santa what omg shock I know ta da.)

officially been an adult for a yr now. so much has happened. it’s gone fast but also it feels like I was a little college child so much longer ago. but I am so grateful for everything that’s happened. so much. I rlly can’t explain it.

I didn’t realize how much better and prettier & smarter and funnier you get as you get older. like it gets better and better. & the timeline is so much bigger than any present moment. that’s all

3:18 am

I ate sugar at 2am to stay up to finish a freelance job and now I can’t sleep so here is everything on my mind and my best photos of late.

  • well the main thing on my mind right now is how much I regret eating sweets. u know how when u r exhausted your body just tells u to eat sugar. ugh I feel so gross i’m so mad
  • anyway. this past weekend was so nice. it was just rlly pleasant. I did so many things and I was even productive.
  • but overall life has been overwhelming of late. so much going on aye yai yai.
  • it’s come to my attention that being anonymous isn’t a bad thing and sometimes it’s useful for a time. there’s this idea that u have to be known, and idk where it comes from but recently I was at this place and I was thinking about how secluded it feels sometimes here at the bottom of florida but not in a lonely way in like a happy retreat haven way and then that word anonymous came to mind
  • I just think that taking some time to be unknown but also completely seen is just rlly nice
  • that’s how I feel here. anonymous but completely not alone.
  • i’ve also been thinking lately of how many ppl I have met in the past yr of my life since I moved. like I’ve met and befriended so many amazing ppl. there r just so many incredible ppl here.
  • I dyed my hair dark brown. no more blonde at the moment. it feels v v right for the current time
  • i’m not a pop girl but that jb song about how lonely he was as a kid is rlly touching. it’s gets u. it’s just heartbreaking that ppl have to feel these ways. and that it’s so hard to get a little empathy.
  • that’s another thing that came up yesterday. in order to fully understand something, u must become it
  • i’ve also recently realized how long term life is. I used to make a lot of extreme statements like I will never blank again. but life is so seasonal and ebb-flowy that I have learned I rlly can’t do that. just gotta say idk and keep going

sometimes I start to feel like i’m just being dramatic & life isn’t rlly that great, like I just must be full of myself to think that life here is so much better than other ppl’s typical day-to-day. but then we have a visitor and they literally say quote—I haven’t been this happy in so long. they watch the sunset w us & laugh & have our listening ears, and they literally are in paradise. i’ll say it over & over this place is a safe haven—it’s one of the strongest words i’ve had of late. & we will use this place to lead ppl to peace for as long as we r here. i’m not tryna be dramatic, i’m just witnessing what i’ve seen. ugh.

sometimes I feel like a am just a naive person. but maybe ppl need that naivety. maybe that’s what makes this place so nice—it’s unassuming-ness. there’s enough corruption everywhere else and places with only good intentions are rare. it catches folks off guard. makes them think. nothing is actually embarrassing about having a kind soul.

the past four days

these past few weeks have been a lot. but really the truth is that every week is a lot. life is just a lot overall. that’s how I feel. but these past few weeks in particular, I want to focus on those. because they are the most recent. so that’s what i’m gonna do.

first of all, I just read mack’s post. and she said that all you can do is impact the ppl around u and pray. and pray endlessly. it’s a good reminder. that I have no control regarding other ppl. all I can do is to pray endlessly for them. even if I don’t know why I am praying anymore. or if I will ever be a part of these ppl’s lives in the same regard again. just gotta keep praying. I have to believe god puts ppl on the mind for a reason. I guess.

  • it’s come to my attention that most ppl in the world have a fear of being alone. because it means that they are alone w their thoughts, and their minds tend to take them to bad places. I think this is incredibly tragic. what do we do with this. I hate this for the ppl I love.
  • ^ I know that facing your demons isn’t easy. and it sucks. and sometimes it creates this little panic sensation in ur gut. but without embracing what that feels like, and without coming to that ultimate source to cope, how r ppl ever going to heal?
  • ^ it’s tragic. but it’s also tragic that more ppl don’t have the ppl in their lives to love and listen to them in those moments. to be pure, sincere friends that will be with them and make them a frittata and just spiritually nurse them.
  • we are called to be those ppl to others. being a follower of god isn’t as complicated as ppl think, and being a sincerely kind person is much rare-er than we realize.

other things-

  • some sort of epic life story
  • the first step of a thankful heart is to acknowledge the source
  • we are commanded to express our thankfulness to the people around us
  • safe haven

So be content with who you are, and don’t put on airs. God’s strong hand is on you, he’ll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God, he is most careful with you.

sometimes I forget how much peace I have. & I just assumes everyone feels the same way. I mean i’m usually rattled. but I have peace in my core.

  • not that life isn’t dramatic. drama is the spice of life tho. but it’s best to refrain from allowing warts to grow.
  • ^ that is a long story.

we’re going to be fine

Stuck inside a house I built
Locked the doors and closed the shutters
With no strength left to cry for help
I hid in bed under the covers

Stuck inside a shade of blue
Sadness was my only comfort
I didn’t know that only You
Could fill my world with all the colors

This is my awakening
That while my heart was fast asleep
You were resurrecting me
I thought that I would never breathe
I thought the pain would never leave
But You’re redeeming everything

Now there’s a dawn at every turn
You speak to me in new beginnings
A ray of sun to heal the hurt
The music stops but You’re still singing

This is my awakening
I’m never going back to sleep
How could I after what I’ve seen
This is my awakening
There’s color now in everything
Color now in everything

the whole cold-leafy-fall vibe isn’t a thing here & sometimes ppl get upset about it…but there is also a sweetness to the fact that no matter the season u can always rely on that constant warmth. maybe more than pumpkin whatever what u rlly need is a loyal presence in your life. the knowledge that despite what the rest of the world is going thru, whenever u r here you’ll get that warmth & the sun will shine & set. change is good duh. but sticking around for a bit to feel some never-ending summer is worth a few yrs of your life. gotta embrace it while you’re here. the safe haven-ness of it all. so be grateful for that lack of seasons lol. & embrace being at odds w the material associations of holiday marketing. peace comes from the constants in your life.

mkay. goodbye for many moons


mack says that everyone gets something different out of skydiving. when she went, her tandem instructor was this cool chill hot man who knew just what to say. he was the fearless life guide she didn’t know she needed. so here is my takeaway.

freefalling was gnarly but also very intense & uncomfortable. I knew I was experiencing this amazing thing but was also like, man it’s so cold & this wind is hard & what’s going on with my mouth right now. it was fun and a mess at the same time. a real ‘holy shit’ moment.

We ended up paying for the awful recap videos, and for my freefalling part I chose ‘island in the sun’ by weezer to play in the background. irl, the fall had been chaotic & windy & cold & wild. But when I watch myself in the vid cruising & struggling to the tune of weezer, it literally seemed like this romantic little endearing moment.

and I think that honestly, that is how the rest of my life is going to go. chaotic & emotional & wild, but ‘island in the sun’ will be playing as the soundtrack the entire time. what a perfect picture of the future, i think. it’s going to be confusing & disorienting. but also completely chillax. I feel like this is a promise. & that as long as I keep in touch with my soul, it will be totally true.

hip hip.

things lately that have been happening

welcome to a sincere life update.

hi. I usually just write things here in very cryptic & vague terms so this is me attempting to be explicitly transparent in what I have actually been up to in life.

been doing a lot of fishing lately. not bc i’m tryna catch a giant tarpon or anything, but I just think it’s relaxing and saltwater is pretty. fish are beautiful. my buddy & I are working on documenting all of the fish in SWFL, and i’m going to design a little book about it. I think it’s going to be rlly great.

i’ve been working as a designer for a natural health co for over six months & time rlly flies ya know. i’m really grateful for a job. it’s really the most graceful office job I could have.

i’m trying to save up starting now. six months from now I have this vision of living along the river for a year and painting a lot, and that’s as far as i’ve planned. ahem, life happens 6mo at a time.

I have a lot of creative projects that i’m currently working on, for clients & also lil creative collabs & personal things, but it’s going v slowly bc I have that perfectionist-lazy-artist anxiety that ppl talk about. so I need to work on that.

tomorrow I start training for a half marathon in jan. tryna make a decent ish time.

been tired lately because i’ve been saying yes to pretty much everything & running around like a squirrel so I need to figure that out.

darth and I have been giving bracelets to ppl we care about lately, and so far it’s been making ppl’s days. it’s amazing how much it matters.

that’s all ima say for now.


people undervalue the impact of delayed gratification.

not taking the first thing that offers itself to u bc u r afraid to wait for something that feels right. comes down to trust. really. patience is important too. but mostly it’s about trust. trusting the waves of life & trusting that you are worthy of something that is good & whole. & really all of that sums up to trusting god. don’t settle.

we try to rush our life stories instead of letting them play out in a more complex & beautiful & lifelong way u know. real love takes a lot of time. & waiting. ya know. takes a whole lifetime to strengthen & last. don’t cling to something just to have it. wait until it feels right. stop being afraid that your life won’t work out perfectly well in due time. you have to wait. u just have to. otherwise it won’t age & last.

it’s like wine. u want to chug some cheap stuff early & then not have it in your life anymore. or keep it close by while the grapes weather + refine themselves, & then ferment & age, so you can savor it when it’s time. all i’m saying. have u ever met someone u want enough that you’re willing to be patient for them. all these idiots trying to rush into something out of nothing. it’s overwhelming.

same goes for kombucha.


so when u don’t have a fancy underwater camera that captures night photos rlly the only way to remember a night dive and engrain the amazingness into your head is to write it all down. so here I go. this is what a night dive is like.

So you arrive at the dive shop, check out your flashlight, get on the boat, and set up your gear. Maybe if the captain took a liking to you in the morning he’s already set it up for you and you’re lucky. Then you put the weights into your BCD and your watch on your wrist—but if it’s one of those fancy bachelor watches with dashes instead of numbers you’d better make sure it’s rightside-up and not upside-down because otherwise it’s an issue. Then you sit down, and everybody sits down, and the captains give their spiel and take off.

The sun starts to set. And you’re looking around, people watching, petting the boat dog, & staring at the sky. From all angles. Every skyview angle is some sort of unique painting, and it’s hard not to feel very emotionally raw in that moment and just tell your life story to whoever is sitting next to you. The sunset from the middle of the ocean is sublime.

Dusk hits, the boat stops, you slip on your wetsuit, and your dive buddy helps you put your BCD around your arms and buckles you in. Then you put on you mask & fins and stand up like a heavy little marine man. Your buddy gets ready. You walk to the edge of the boat. Put your regulator into your mouth and breathe. One hand holding your regulator & one hand holding your mask. Big step into the water. Keep breathing. Fiddle with your flashlight until it turns on. Wait for Buddy to hop in and join you.

You stare at your buddy until he signals that he’s ready then you both go down. Or you mess with your BCD until you figure out how to deflate it while your buddy waits for you to join him at the bottom.

Underwater. Now you’re breathing underwater. All you can hear are your breaths, the squeak of your old rental regulator, and the bubbles blowing out of your mouth and swimming away. Breathe in. Breathe out with lots of bubbles. Those are all the sounds you’ve got.

And this is when you start to feel like some sort of underwater Indiana Jones adventure lady. Because it’s getting darker and darker. And you’re swimming around coral reefs, pointing your flashlight at whatever’s in front of you. Nocturnal fish. Rocks. Coral. The colors are so bright.

The darker it gets, the more it feel like you’re in a cave, and the less you can see. Point your flashlight away and suddenly you can’t see a thing in front of you. You are floating in darkness, literally. Amazing.

But if you’re a space cadet, even though you know it’s amazing, you find yourself thinking about something completely unrelated—like your weird aboveground personal life issues. You’re floating around passing fish by, wondering about some random idiot you have a crush on or whatever worries you have about your future professional life.

And eventually it hits you, wait am I really thinking about these petty things right now…look at me I’m in the middle of the ocean in the dark staring at a coral reef with a giant tank on my back…why can I not enjoy this moment lol. And then you try to snap out of it and take it all in.

On that particular night, we had about an hour and a half of bottom time, so at one point we floated to the surface to swim back to the boat & check our air. Staring at the night sky while floating in a giant abyss of ocean is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced in my young life. R & I took a moment & said some nice sappy words about how glorious life is. It was amazing. The moon was a waning-waxing whatever, the stars were so pretty, and lightening was flashing some section of the sky in the distance. We swam-waddled back to the boat and took a little breather. Drank some water. Then hopped back in and swam past the reefs to a small sand clearing.

We got on our knees. Held hands and turned off our flashlights. So dark. Pitch black on the ocean floor—can you picture this? But the night sky was so bright and we were shallow enough that our eyes readjusted a bit to slightly see. We waved our arms around like crazy people. And bioluminescent plankton appeared. Little sea lightening bugs.

What a thing to see.

Water is so wild. Like, the fact that it covers most of our planet and there’s this whole world living in it. I mean it’s amazing. None of it makes sense when you think about it. Why is it here. Why is any of this here.

Anyway, I am a lucky child. I don’t know why I get to be healthy right now. I really don’t deserve to be. I don’t know why I get to live here. But I just hope that I can shove all of my little insecurities aside and give away-slash-invite everything-slash-everyone in this life that I am supposed to. Because at the end of the day, nothing matters if you don’t share it. I met a crazy old lady while in the Keys this weekend, naturally, and she told me to never stop having dreams—just keep having dreams, even if I don’t know how they will work out. Just have them. She said that life is meant to be fun not miserable. She also highly recommended pole dancing for sport.

okay. that’s my epic diving story. voila.

it’s so easy to forget that literally all u have to do is ride the waves as they come to u. & wait for them to come. & ride the other ones that r coming along as u wait. u can’t worry about these things. u just have to sink into what u r supposed to be learning at the present moment. not what u want to do or want to learn. just look at what is exactly in front of u. don’t stress it. & pursue it. those nudgings & thoughts & steps will come at the right time. if u r keeping in touch with your soul slash spirit. everything will be okay. trust the promises. trust the full circle promises. stand in the sunshower. mkay. that’s all.

so easy to forget these things & turn into a nervous naked snail. or a squirrel.


safe haven

lots of fishing & florida storms & chatting w ppl making good friends beaching & painting & waiting & rene & fruit & wandering around & planning things & water talk & bait discussions & wave riding to be honest. & tryna obey god & whatever. & putting names on rocks & whatnot. & watching things come full circle & just thinking about circles really. full circle. eventually. amazing. fishing & figuring out what u r fishing for & what bait you’ve been gifted with. august was a lot tbh. changed me. lots of sat mornings & tanning & talking about plants lol. & face & hair masks. & darker hair too. changed i’m telling u. how much can u change in thirty days

“As he died to make men holy, let us die to make men free”


This was written by a lady abolitionist named Julia Ward Howe in the middle of the civil war.

Being a martyr isn’t like being an activist. It’s different.

“I awoke…in the gray of the early dawn, and to my astonishment found that the wished-for lines were arranging themselves in my brain. I lay quite still until the last verse had completed itself in my thoughts, then hastily arose, saying to myself, ‘I shall lose this if I don’t write it down immediately.”

Ugh life is ancient.

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord;
He is trampling out the vintage where grapes of wrath are stored;
He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift sword,
His truth is marching on.

Glory, glory, hallelujah! Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Glory, glory, hallelujah! His truth is marching on.

I have seen Him in the watchfires of a hundred circling camps;
They have builded Him an altar in the evening dews and damps;
I can read His righteous sentence by the dim and flaring lamps,
His day is marching on.

He has sounded forth the trumpet that shall never call retreat;
He is sifting out the hearts of men before His Judgement Seat.
Oh! Be swift, my soul, to answer Him, be jubilant, my feet!
Our God is marching on.

In the beauty of the lilies Christ was born across the sea,
With a glory in his bosom that transfigures you and me;
As he died to make men holy, let us die to make men free,
While God is marching on.

most renditions say ‘let us live’ instead of ‘die.’ but I like die better.

what ache.

what would you risk your life for? like literally. not to feel better about yourself. just because u sincerely care enough. I want this sort of conviction. but I actually probably don’t. but then if u don’t have it, then rlly what is the point of life. but so many of us do not have it. right now. we’ve lost that ancient perspective of the fact that life is a crusade, really. ache & cruelty is like literally rampant & we forget it. I don’t know if god wants me to have a happy life. I rlly don’t. i’m expendable, ya know. & I know ppl r always like, the lord has plans for me yada yada yada. & when they say those things they r talking about their precious college majors or career goals or future spouse or whatever. but idk if god rlly actually cares about u getting your fantasy wedding. know what I mean. I think the evangelical church in america has in many many ways become some sort of ego serving self help hour. & I get it. & obviously god cares about every little detail of your life. but the timeline is so much bigger than those details u know. & maybe instead of living the american dream he wants u to go die for something. I don’t know. that doesn’t mean much coming from me, rlly. i’m a naive child girl. & I don’t know a lot about death. but i’ve read about ppl who literally risked their lives for the sake of others & I just can’t imagine having that much conviction & compassion & sincere belief in truth & god & eternity & all of that. okay. that’s all. goodnight.

“sometimes you’re like so sage and wise, and then sometimes you’re like a little squirrel coming into the world.”

full circle

all of those little nudgings and urges and thoughts that pop into your head come full circle eventually. if you have enough peace u see it. that’s why u have to take it all one step at a time. the path lights up piece by piece. until one day u can look behind you and see exactly why everything played out the way it did and why you couldn’t know everything at once. ride each wave as it comes to u. & listen intently to the nudges in your soul. we are weaving our lives together.

when I first moved here I wanted to leave pretty immediately. & I started interviewing for this cool job in miami. but then one night in dt ft myers I was watching this street singer. & this beautiful old lady with long blonde hair was standing beside me & she was singing along and swaying and her hands were clasped and her eyes were closed. & at one point she paused & turned & looked at me with her big earnest eyes, and she pointed to some other ppl watching & said, those people look sad. we need to tell them about jesus.

& then she started singing again. & as I was standing there in the dark street with all of these fort myer-ans listening to a street singer, this feeling came over me that I wasn’t going to get the cool job in miami and that I was going to be in ft myers for a while. & it felt pretty real, and in that moment I was okay with it. & then I went through with the interview & the call-back interview & I started to want the job pretty badly. & I hoped that the feeling I’d had that one night was mistaken.

that blonde old lady was the prettiest most peaceful woman I have ever seen in my entire life. I want to be her when I grow up. ugh. anyway, the feeling I had that night came completely true. & now here I am. & I can feel all of these life stories playing out around me. & they’re all weaving together somehow even though idk the end result.

I have a lot of stories like that. of things coming full circle. I should write them all down eventually. this is Ruger. he’s helping me watch chickens this wknd. i think ruger hates me. tbh I can’t remember if that’s actually his name.

recently someone was tryna affirm me or whatever & tell me how great I am & he was like, u r complicated & smart & beautiful. and it was sweet or whatever & cheesy & it was my dad ok. but the word that stood out to me was complicated. because he meant it as a compliment. like, it’s a good & special thing to be a complicated person. i’ve never heard it used in a positive light like that before. but maybe good things are complicated. & layered with a thousand contradictions & moods & feelings. simple things r good yea. & some truths r incredibly simple. but there r a lot of complicated things that r good too. & they feel rlly real. maybe complicated is good like a gift. & worthwhile.

“I think I ate half a loaf of banana bread today.”

“bananas r healthy.”


“u can’t dwell too much on the details of life.”

And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives along with the command, the love itself.



“just because you can’t solve all of the world’s problems doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help the old lady cross the street.”
– male rabbi

I was talking about that whole cancel culture life recently. & how we have this whole ‘remove-the-bad-vibes-from-my-life’ mindset where we just totally drop anyone who is quote toxic to us or something. that’s actually ridiculous & selfish. we can’t just ditch the ppl who make us feel bad. I was reading this book today, & it was talking about “righteous” ppl, and it said…they always give generously and lend freely.

that whole idea of giving freely is so countercultural. giving with nothing returned. even being meek about it. we have this whole idea that meekness is weakness & pathetic-ness & whatever. but the primary definition of meek is actually to be “easily imposed on.”

ima talk about the christian life for a minute. bc it gives all of existence meaning so I have to. but in the christian life, being imposed on is just sort of expected. u r going to give generously, u won’t get anything in return, u might get stepped on. but none of that rlly matters. bc u have this fulfillment & peace that doesn’t come from monetary or material wealth. I mean it’s true.

there’s this unspoken rule that u have to wait at least a few hrs before u respond to a text bc u don’t want to look desperate or whatever. or something like that. but if u r a kind person, & u sincerely care, maybe u should always be available. & responsive. I mean compassion requires humility & the willingness to sacrifice your preoccupations for the concerns of someone else. at a moment’s notice. that’s love. given freely.

I think that’s part of the key to guarding your heart. it doesn’t mean that u won’t get hurt. it just means that the wound won’t penetrate to the soul. in order to be compassionate & generous, u have to give yourself away, but u don’t have to give up your soul for it. in this christian life, u will have to to risk rejection. u just will. but when your soul is guarded, that rejection won’t cause the same sort of ache.

so guarding your heart doesn’t mean that u won’t get rejected. it means that you are able to be rejected, and be okay with it.

^ that’s actually amazing

so the keys to a meaningful life r to be intentional even to rude ppl & to be unregretably generous. u have to see the best in everyone, to love them. & care. & ache for their aches. bc they matter. i’ve always been a sort of self-absorbed & narcissistic person, but I can honestly say that these past few months I have witnessed this sort of spiritual change in my soul where I actually do care & ache for ppl. so there’s a little testament to the trueness of god for u.

‘guarding your heart’ means being not afraid of rejection. yowza. epiphany.

u never know the impact u have on another person. rlly blows me away. just gotta be urself + be kind + shut up. we gen z peeps act like u can just ghost ppl from ur life. but the truth is that all of these experiences + relationships + ppl build upon one another. we r weaving our lives together. & there is always some sort of permanent impact to it. so where ever u find yourself, & whoever u find yourself with, use your influence. & when I say influence, I don’t mean that u r some sort of superior being. I just mean that every interaction that u have creates an impact. so make those impacts count. don’t be afraid to smack ppl in the face. or push them or be kind to them or just straight up love them. u can get away with a lot more than u realize sometimes. use your influence. u r being watched more than u know. it blows me away. all about that intentionality. I think that’s my new word. but we’ll see. mkay. goodbye losers peace ✌️

“You are so funny, except when you’re moody, and that’s only when you’re on your period. Actually, when you’re on your period, you’re funny, but not because you’re trying to be funny. But when you’re not on your period, you’re hilarious.”


mkay hello.

i’ve decided that I think I really enjoy writing actually. i’m always doing it when i’m trying to procrastinate from other forms of work, know what im saying. & I’m good at it to be honest. & for some reason it’s a lot harder to share with the world than my art or design & stuff.

I think it’s because if i’m rlly being honest rn, i’m a better writer than I am a painter, or a designer at the moment. & so sharing it feels a lot more vulnerable. and words can be so direct, & blunt. & that blunt-ness is also vulnerable. & my art hasn’t gotten to that point of skill where it is that vulnerable & reflective of me yet. ya know.

& also, anyone in the world can put some letters together and say something on the internet, or even in a book, & there r already so many voices out there. it’s like how all of these idiots in quarantine have started podcasts. it rlly gets to me. it’s like how white people take over various ethnic cuisines in america. like how they took over sushi and tacos & made it an urban-white-ppl thing. ugh. mainstream sucks. but that is the consumerist, salad bowl-but also gentrifying world that we live in, & I don’t have answers to any of it. tangent. anyway, having a voice anywhere has become mainstream. and a lot of these voices r shouting. & I don’t want to be another shout-er. & I don’t want to share things not worth sharing. & who am I to share things anyway. know what I’m saying. I mean how many experiences have I rlly had. rlly.

I think it’s important also to realize, that when u need to act, or speak up, often the opportunities will find you. or they will make themselves really clear to you. like maybe, they will appear in a burning bush or something, know what i’m sayin. & usually, they will feel scary & bigger than you. & honestly, you won’t want to do it. when it feels terrifying, & u don’t want to do it, & you can’t stop thinking about it, usually that is when you actually need to speak up.

recently one of my friends said “meg knows just what to say.” & i’ve been thinking about that. & how, especially when i’m writing for myself, I do know what to say. & when i’m seeking into my soul about what I need to say, I know what to say then too. & then sometimes, when i’m freaking out or scared or insecure or terrified of messing up or worried about what ppl will think of me, I have no clue at all of what to say.

& the reason I have no clue at all of what to say when I get that way, is because I let all of these little panic freak out spazzes get in the way of those intuitional spiritual vibes that exist in my soul. & those words r actually a lot of fluff to describe the holy spirit. i’m talking about god. the lord teaches me what to say. it’s a spiritual gift. whenever I lean into that, things go much better. & the right words come out of my mouth. or onto my phone screen.

& I am so grateful for this gift. how peaceful it is to know that I do not have to worry about saying the wrong thing. about ppl not liking me. about being rejected for what I say. because when they r the right words, it will not matter. truth is truth is true.

last night my buddy & I were talking about that question ppl always ask in interviews that goes, what are three words to describe you?, and we tried to think of 3 words that actually rlly did describe us. I told my buddy that she was theatrical, clever, & gutsy; & she said that I was dreamy, wise, & stubborn. I love that. I would never tell a hire-er those things but I love it.

dreamy, wise, & stubborn. suck it ppl.

you can’t stop the waves but you can learn to surf.

no I can’t surf but ugh that’s so good. love it


  • world is in a crisis
  • work is good
  • it’s been extremely rainy. some sort of tropical depression in mexico.
  • tryna stay off the grid.
  • time management still a struggle
  • tryna rent this orange building
  • hard times for lots of people
  • lots of unease. lots of injustice being brought to the surface. & regret & humility & sorrow & ache.
  • kenzie’s listening to bob dylan right now. a timeless man.
  • “if u can, you should.” – rabbi
  • if u crop these photos just right, u can pretend you’re not on private property:
  • the harmonica seems like a cool vibey thing to learn but it’s actually a little gross
  • trying to not buy a single thing for the rest of june. except maybe food.
  • You faith will isolate you and make you more intriguing all at once. 
  • um, I think that’s all.
  • heyo mack-pru. sup.

I think that sometimes I come across as a little crazy. A little radical and weird.

Back in the 1600’s, people thought this guy named Galileo was weird. He had this rad idea that the earth was actually moving, and he would not shut up about it. The Roman Catholic church was very annoyed with him. They kicked him out, because his beliefs were unpopular and rattled the status quo.

But Gal was so convicted by what he had witnessed through his telescope, that he never let the doubt and ridicule deter him. And it turns out he was right. In 2020 it’s pretty clear that we orbit around the sun.

The point of this post is to encourage you to embrace your beliefs. And to accept the fact that you’re part of an ancient underground movement that seeks to love people and save them no matter how gritty things get.

It’s not going to be easy. There’s nothing easy about claiming to personally know some supernatural world creator that talks to you. That sounds crazy. But it’s also crazy to think that all of this life is the accidental result of nothing. So embrace the hope that you have. Let it relieve you. And talk about it, no matter how rad and weird you may seem. There are a lot of people out there who have no hope and do not realize that things could be better. They’re watching you more than you know. 

hello. it’s me. wow wordpress this new ui design is nice kudos. mkay anyway. it’s been a while since I haven’t been stressed about linking this blog publicly in my instagram profile. idk y I do that to myself. it makes my posts less vulnerable. less real ya know. less me. which actually leads into what I was going to write about. I was going to write about how sometimes, it’s good to hide. to make yourself less accessible. or noticeable to the rest of the globe. u know what I mean? we live in this culture that’s all about access and connection. being on-line means that u r always on. and we weren’t made for that kind of shit. sometimes u need to be off. to be free of the chains u accidentally put on yourself when you consider other people’s expectations or interpretations of u. I don’t want to worry about what some dude thinks of me when I put something online. but since it’s online, I inevitably will. because the whole point of putting something online is so that other people will see it. that’s the whole point. and when we are constantly looking at ourselves from other people’s perspectives, we begin to forget who we are from our own perspective. our perspective is inside, ya know. we gotta look inside. the actual intentions behind all of our actions are the actual definers of who we are. people say that your choices are what define u. but I disagree. it’s actually the intentions behind those choices that define u. being honest about those intentions can be rlly hard. because the likely truth is that u r actually a horrible self-absorbed greedy person. and most of your intentions r probably manipulative and self-serving. even the seemingly sweet ones.

so anyway my point is that we tend to forget that life happens in these temporary seasons one at a time. nothing last forever, is what I mean. and sometimes, it’s good to hide for a while. just hide out. just let go of all of your connections and appearances and digital lines. and just embrace the people and physical-ness of your immediate surroundings. hide at the beach, if that’s where u happen to find yourself. just embrace it. let go of all the things about yourself u try to control. and see who and what comes to u.

sometime u will need to stop hiding, and to reach out to ppl and seek others and rlly get out there & fight for ppl or causes or issues or whatever. but sometimes u will find yourself in the middle of a desert or beach or whatever, and u will just need to hide-slash-fast-slash-train there for forty days. or a few months or so. take that time to not panic about all the things u might be losing. and to just be open. to whatever u r being taught.

sometimes I forget that I live at the beach. and I get caught up in all the things I might be missing out on. but then sometimes I get these moments of eye opening. and I realize that I love these ppl & this life experience is amazing. and it’s all amazing. and I don’t know why I get to have life so amazing. but I do know that if I trust the waves and allow these roots to grow, this little hiding spot will become a safe haven for the other ppl that god brings into my life. and really, it would be so selfish of me to not allow that to happen. so I have to have to embrace it. and let go of all the things I want to chase after and snatch and force to work out.

^^^re-read this paragraph one more time.

so take out that cactus nose ring and let go of who you think u r, or who u want ppl to think u r. & just allow yourself to be. & be honest about your intentions. & honestly, just see what happens.

that’s all u can do. just see what happens. embrace change so much. & also embrace stationary places. follow through w your purpose. hmm. that’s good.

follow through w your purpose.

recently my rabbi was talking to me about something she did and she said “I hope I didn’t make them uncomfortable…I just felt that’s what I needed to do.” & I think that’s a beautiful statement. It’s easy to doubt yourself when u take an actual ballsy stance on something. But if u rlly feel in your soul/spirit that it’s what you need to do, then u cannot be hard on yourself. u just have to embrace your actions & move on. u did your part. & move on. so good.


“I just felt that’s what I needed to do.” so freeing. when it’s true.

follow through with your purpose.

recently I realized that every other time I’ve moved, i’ve pretty much completely cut ties w the ppl of my past. & this time is the first time i’ve kept in touch. & that is good. & life is about the relationships u build upon one another. & being intentional & keeping up w people & whatever. but I also think that for a bit, maybe it’s good to hide from those past lives. just avoid it for a bit. look ahead.

so that’s my latest plan. i’m gonna hide. hide out for a bit. it’s time. time to hide in the middle of this boat fort. & maybe start writing my novel. for realllllzzzz. I could to it. maybe I will. i’m readddyyyyyyyy. to get off the grid. time to get off the grid. everywhere but here.

follow through with your purpose. but also get ready to sacrifice some things. refine those intentions. refine that heart. and soul.

sometimes u put on hollister jeans and u realize how good your ass looks so u ask your little buddy to snap some pics when they catch u taking mirror selfies of your butt. thanks mack. u r the best.

“I’m in my prime i’m wasting away!”

“If you’ve gotten this far do you really think you won’t be fine?”

a week of love bugs & sunsets & lotsa lotsa drama & way too much talking about chickens.

IMG_2513 2

mkay so yesterday I was running and I caught up to mad & ken and they were standing there watching me run towards them and pointing behind me. so I stopped running and looked behind me and that sky is what I saw. and obviously the pic does no justice. and I was like, what I had no idea this was behind me. it’s all full circle ya know. sometimes u don’t realize what you’re running away from. u run and run and then finally look back and realize how amazing everything is. u were exactly where u were supposed to be the whole time. who knew. just gotta shut up and be nice to ppl and say what u want and go along w life. I guess. 🙂

I didn’t realize what I was running from until I looked behind me

A few days ago I went on a run like usual. I was going my normal route when I decided to turn into this neighborhood and ran through it and ended up going in a different direction on a busy road towards a Publix. I was like, well this isn’t a very pretty route but whatever. and I kept running. at one point I got bored and knelt down and played on my phone for two minutes. and then I suddenly had this urge to run to the outlet and catch the sunset. I was like, if I hurry I might still catch the sun setting. so I got up turned around and ran. and I got to the outlet, and, let me tell u.

2020-05-09 03:12:55 +0000

the sun was setting literally. I could literally see the sun move. i’ll never be able to explain to u how beautiful it was. I was watching this little fire ball go down behind the water. and the sky. the sky was eighty different shades of blue and white and yellow. it was truly eight dimensional. there was so much supernatural-god-holy-shit wonder to the whole thing. I was like, when the timing is perfect, it usually means that you had nothing to do with it. I kept repeating those words to myself. I felt the promise. I felt this holy promise being told to me, that the timing would work out perfectly.

if I hadn’t taken such a weird route, the timing wouldn’t have been so flawless. the timing. the timing timing timing timing. everything will work out completely in perfect unison. that’s god’s promise. there will be times of waiting and running around kinda confused. and there will be times when u have these urges and know exactly what to do. trust is all u can do in both.

the craziest thing is, that morning I had prayed to god at my little work cubicle that he would give me a sign and control my breathing for the day. waiting for something always makes me cling more.

eventually the sun went completely down. and I didn’t want to leave but I had to. and I was like, man I have to remember this moment forever. and then I realized that this literally happens every day. the sun sets daily. we get this daily reminder of this assuring promise. that’s a v nice arrangement. extremely nice. mkay. that’s all.

wait no it isn’t. I forgot to mention that this was on the caloosahache river. where I had kayaked the day before, and gotten lost, and spent a lot a lot of time on. that was an amazing experience too. so good. so so good. wow. what a life. what a blessed life. man. it’s insane. like so insane. worth sharing with someone. ugh. but timing. timing is always going to be good. mkay. chao. for real.

2020-05-09 01:19:37 +0000

follow the whimsy. all I can say.

“that’s just what these old folks looking for a quiet retired life in south florida want— a crusading 22 year old.”
– steve

it’s one of those things where like suddenly all the success in the world means nothing and is incredibly unimpressive. who r the heroes rlly. the lunch ladies. and nurses. & bus drivers. and grocery store clerks. and the friendly neighbors u never cared about before. the outsiders r always more empathetic. they’ve spent their whole lives ppl watching & working & being belittled.

jesus didn’t hang out w successful ppl. he hung out w the fringe ppl. his movement was the counterculture. the antiestablishment. the underground nonconforming honest gritty all-inclusive gypsy club. how do ppl not get this. they were trying to save the world. they were such obvious flawed outsiders. I don’t get why ppl think christians r these innocent naive perfect ppl now. there’s nothing tru about that. I mean it’s tru that real christians r extremely generous and kind. but it’s not bc they’re rule followers. it’s bc their hearts r literally different. they have a rlly different perspective. & they’re ok w being outsiders. i’ve met so many kind ppl of late. & their stories are decades long & gritty & rlly honest.

my old boss once said that the minute u have a problem, u become an outsider too. all these kind ppl out here who have been kind their whole lives r suddenly being thanked for it. bc suddenly the problems r bigger than our comfortable little american lives can compensate for. mkay. chao.

“hallelujah nevertheless was the song pain couldn’t destroy”

lovely. so lovely. I luv it. pain happens obviously. but bittersweetness is what differentiates art from pleasure. bam. anything deep or meaningful or worthwhile has to be weathered up, ya know. pushed further. hurt a little bit. but pain sucks obviously. it always sucks. & all of this hope is hard to feel in the moment. but it’s possible. life is ultimately sweet. that’s all.

life update of past 4 months

mkay life update. i’m officially a working lady. the office life is one of those things i’ve always feared but the truth is that the world is just one big place with a lot of people in a lot of smaller places and some day you will find yourself in one particular place for a time, and u just have to embrace that place and ride with it. & it’s been rlly nice. & I am shook by the fact that I got this job right when all of this covid crisis hit the states. the timing was supernatural. idk how else to explain it. allow me to tell the full story…

I graduated in december a messed up wreck of melodramatic insanity. I was a mess. I’d left early & moved states & had no purpose or whatever & it all happened so suddenly bc I hadn’t rlly planned anything and so I found myself all broken & struggling to let go & ugh it was a strange time. looking back it was fun & cray but at the time I was a legit mess. for months. 2-3 months. some times I was messier than others. and the whole time I was learning a lot. a lot. & healing. but it was rad cray. & I was rlly self absorbed. I rlly think that college inevitably turns u into a narcissist for a little bit & it can’t be helped. anyway. I was learning so much & growing & getting into those spiritual vibes. and slowly slowly slowly. regaining my sanity. facing challenges & trials & growth & learning to trust my gut/soul. still interviewing. even saying no to offers that didn’t feel right. I was in a good groove of applying & being intentional & yada yada yada.

& right as I was finally coming to a state of healed sanity, the rest of america was tumbling into a crisis. my friends found out they wouldn’t have a graduation ceremony & would never go back to class. & suddenly I could not believe that the lord had spared me & allowed me to graduate before all of this. literally. I was completely shook & shocked & chillingly scared. scared of just how blessed I had been. after all of the whining & running I had done, the whole time god was just like, just wait kid u have no idea what I have saved u from. literally. the lord. how could he do this. all it took was 20 minutes in my advisor’s office my junior year, when I learned that I could graduate early & decided to do it. changed my life. I didn’t even know my fam would move to FL at the time. there was so much I didn’t know. idk why I got to have the closure & the joy & the celebration before I moved away. Idk why god granted me that. I’m so grateful. & i’m so blown away. the gratefulness hurts. but it’s just a testament to the fact that ugh god is real ppl. just look at me. look at my dad. he’s real & he legit provides. u have no idea.

& the very week that everything started to close, I received a job offer. & this time, for a lot a lot of reasons, I could feel in my soul that it was right. 3 days before fl issued a stay at home order, I started my new job. what. & somehow I work for a health company, so our jobs are essential. & for the past 3ish weeks i’ve been going to work while the rest of the world stays home. the tables have turned. my timing is completely flipped. but that’s the thing. it’s not even my timing. like, I had no impact on this. I did nothing to deserve this. it was god’s timing. I just hope that when I tell ppl my story, they realize how crazy it is that anything worked out the way it did. I mean this is legendary stuff. & I swear I had nothing to do w it. I’m as shocked as everyone else.

& now so many friends & so many ppl are in their homes. and they r depressed and hysterical & going through similar things I went through 4 months ago. & now that i’ve experienced & survived those things, & now that i’m sane again, I get to empathize w those ppl. and I rlly rlly hope that somehow my story-slash-support-slash-listening ear will help them. the lord has arranged everything for a reason. & I have no idea what that reason is. that’s the thing. u never know the impact u have on another person. just gotta be kind & shut up. & be intentional even if u never understand why.

I’m so grateful & shook & trembling. I have no idea why the lord has been so gentle with me. for three months I couldn’t see it. I didn’t know what was around the corner. & a lot of ppl feel the same way now. & I ache for them. but there’s so much hope. eventually.

my rabbi recently said to me “all you have is your story.” it’s so so tru. my story is still fairly short, but this is part of it. I never could have come up with this stuff on my own. rlly. there’s so much more I could tell u about the past 2.5 weeks. the point is that everyone gets a story. & the longer u live, the more dramatic it gets.

ride the waves that come to you. six months at a time. ❤

mkay ima take a brief break from the online social world. chao

happy easter. one time in the bible jesus walked around alone in the desert for 40 days and apparently didn’t eat anything. can u imagine? while he was there satan literally showed up and started talking mad smack to him.

maybe in your own self isolation u find yourself having to face your own demons. that can be terrifying. but the elephant in the room is that there’s something inherently wrong with all of us. & at some point all the ways we distract ourselves from that fact will break.

all I know is that clearly god has helped me. i’m not some whack ass brainwashed pk. I believe bc i’ve literally witnessed him change my life. there comes a point when the math falls apart and I cannot logically blame chance for everything that has happened. i’m no idiot.

why is my life the way it is? I mean rlly. what other explanation do I have.

mkay that’s all.


ugh. lots of crisis all around. ppl can’t work, kids missing lunch, dying sick ppl, countries unprepared. depressed college graduates. months and months and months.

it’s tragic for a lot of ppl and here I am very very privileged and blessed and with a good job & house living at the bottom of the sunshine state with a thousand hobbies & a daily run past the sunset & good friends & good health. and so much comfort. my life hasn’t always been this chill & it won’t always, but that’s where I find myself rn. u go through seasons, and sometimes u find yourself pretty rich while the ppl around u r not. there’s a reason you’ve been blessed in that moment. be grateful duh, but also empathize with everyone. listen & give & do as much as possible. share ur hope. just be yourself & trust that somehow it’s helping. even if you never get to know the details. sometimes all you can do is let things be and trust. ugh.

just be yourself & trust that somehow it’s helping. I luv that.

“Keep seeking to love him and the next person that he places in front of you, and trust him to take care of the rest.”
– kdm

whenever I get freaked out, I want to run away. but the truth is that even when you run away, u can’t escape your thoughts. you can’t just stop thinking about something because you’ve gone somewhere new. your soul doesn’t work like that. apparently.

the only way you can truly let go of something is if you intentionally release it and trust the man upstairs. it’s hard. honestly. but usually the things you want are pretty lame in comparison to what’s actually going to happen. so look at what’s right in front of you. and fully embrace it while it’s there. it might go away eventually. when it does, don’t sulk over it. release it and look up again to see the new thing in front of you. it’s a bittersweet process but that’s life for u.

last night I told my dad that the journey is just as important as the destination. and he was like, do you really think that’s true? the ending is pretty important. what he meant is that if eternity is real, then this current life is temporary, and thus, everything we do is expendable. we have to be willing to risk it all for the sake of the ending. how many causes would u would be willing to die for?
it’s easy to be an activist. it’s a lot harder to be a martyr.



“I kind of liked unemployed Meg she was funny. She was a lot to handle but fun to watch. Made me feel like my own life was put together.”

^ Aww now i’m gonna miss these days. see, the thing about nostalgia and the present and shit is that if you’re an idiot, you won’t find contentment in a moment until it is behind you. but of course you learn these things as you go. so now I know. you’ve got to treasure every single moment of your little life. if I play my cards right, I may never be unemployed again. i’ll be a working professional for the rest of my life. sigh. holy cow I am so grateful for the past three months. I was so weird but really it was fun.

  • I moved to fl
  • worked in a print shop
  • worked at a construction co
  • befriended the elderly
  • got a boating license
  • interviewed with the miami HEAT. what.
  • ran a THIRTY k.
  • crashed car
  • broke laptop screen
  • took a relationship class
  • became a runner
  • became a kate spade sales associate. ish
  • tried to move to guatemala
  • painted
  • became a greeter
  • and a storyteller
  • & photographer
  • interviewed EIGHT TEEN times
  • interviewed with NEW MEXICO’S SOCCER TEAM. what what.
  • did a life purpose study
  • took a hand lettering class

I thought that after college I would have to give up my days of being an introspective moody girl. but the truth is I will be moody for the rest of my life. u never stop learning. existence is sappy like that. just take it 6-to-8 months at a time.

life. happens. 3-to-6-to-8 months at a time. give or take.



“all you have is your story.”

hw: 1 minute shpeal. how u came + your life with jesus. explaining the hope that’s in you.

ok ok lets do this PLAYAAAAA

All I know

I have believed and known who Jesus is for most of my life. And honestly, I’m still a mess. But knowing Jesus has given me hope for my life and completely changed my intentions. I can feel it in my very soul. I can’t imagine what I would do without it.

All I know is that clearly it has helped me. I am a crazy, obsessive, vain, insecure person. I’m emotional & never content. Like, ridiculously emotional. Like, sooooo melodramatic. Always dreaming of something better, or wanting something I can’t have, or wanting to be something I’m not. But so much of what humans do on a daily basis is a form of coping. I’ve starved myself, I’ve isolated, chased after boys, obsessed over photos of myself, daydreamed, amped up the adrenaline, tried to run away.

But numbing any aches I feel just doesn’t get to the root of the problem.

For me, I’ve found that Jesus is the ultimate way to cope with everything I struggle with. And I truly believe that if I didn’t believe in God, I would be emo and 86 pounds right now. And honestly maybe dead. All I know is that this faith gives my life direction. And that whenever I feed into that spirit, my life is more colorful and meaningful, and I eventually find that content-ness. I’m not perfect, life is still hard sometimes, but my heart has changed, and I am blown away at all the times God has saved me and protected me and cared for me. Even in the times when I was a little whiny wreck. That’s all I know.

I’ve watched God care for my family when my dad went without a job for a year. I’ve watched him make everything so easy and simple for me through every move. Hindsight makes everything clearer, and there have been so many moments I’ve whined & haven’t understood that came completely full circle later. All I know is that my faith has helped me, and it’s made everything about my life more intentional.

sometimes a moment is so sweet that you’d might as well just hang onto it and remember if fondly for the rest of your life. even if everything about that moment explodes into nothingness that u can never go back to. might as well keep that remnant memory in your little head forever. maybe paint it idk. let it inspire u. and just trust that whatever happens past that moment is going to be good. for all parties. bittersweetness is the stuff of artists.

“all you have is your story”
– r


“what’s something absolutely terrible that could happen to you that you absolutely wouldn’t be able to handle?”
– r


“I can’t change it, so what can I learn so I can help the next person who goes through this?”
– r


“staying in the past is depression, staying in the future is anxiety. but being present is freedom”
– m


“i’m wrong. it’s less about where you are, more about who you’re with”
– me

let it be let it be let it be let it be. in due time ugh.
waiting is just as important as doing. they’re the same thing. I guess. last night kenzie and I walked to the outlet. we walked to the outlet. what the heck. anyway, I was like, even tho i’m waiting for my life to start in a lot of ways I rlly do like it here & I like this time a lot. and kenzie was like, u r being used here, too. u r teaching little kids things & u r teaching me things. & I was like, woah that’s deep kenzie.
I don’t know when everything is going to change. I know it will eventually. but I don’t have to rush it. life happens three days at a time. 6 months is too stressful to think about so ima say 3 days. sometimes u just gotta let things be for a bit. just a bit. & wait for the right thing. if u r so privileged.
this time is just as important as the next. let it be.
don’t do something conventional bc u think u have to. maybe it doesn’t make sense to a lot of ppl but it does to u. create ur own path and don’t worry about it. that’s all.

u can speculate all u want but truly u just have to ride the waves that come to u.

i’m realizing that i’m an idiot. really. u can be an art slaying mastermind one day and then literally two seconds later become an obsessive pathetic ninny. I am that ninny. i’m also crazy. not even in a cute way. in an idiotic way. ugh.

u can speculate all u want but truly u just have to ride the waves that come to u. no thinking and wishing and analyzing will matter at all until the decision actually presents itself to u. u can want something, but if it doesn’t offer itself to u then it doesn’t matter. i’m talking about a particular job obviously. there’s no point in stressing about whether or not I will accept it until the decision becomes mine in the first place. until then I just gotta live my life and not sway for it. ya know.

live your life and don’t sway for it, hello. don’t sway for anything. ever! never conform!!!!!!! grrrrrr

of course it gets kinda hard to do that when u have to make one decision before u know whether or not u will be presented with another decision. i’m talking about when u get a different job offer before another job offer and u r like hmm let me get back to u so I can prolong all of this stress while none of these timelines add up.

“trust your gut. everyone will have different ideas about what you should do, but ultimately the decision is yours. and then, once u make your decision, it will be up to you to handle the consequences that result from that decision.”

“make the best decision you can and then embrace wherever you end up.”

“you’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. that’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.”

u can speculate all u want but truly u just have to ride the waves that come to u.

so stop speculating. ldjkflakjdflkjdflk

aye this week. oh my god. oh my god. L;SKJFGOPISDFJLKSDJF,MC

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church notes from december. what else would the pastor’s child be writing in her sketchbook. man that paper was top quality I miss it.

christmas was a good time everything was still new and giddy. so much has happened in two point five months. but life happens 6 months at a time. or 2 months. or 3 days. todo estara bien.


when I first started college I remember being really freaked out because suddenly how I performed in school was directly linked to who I was as a person. when u make art or design things, u can’t help having your own style. and that style just inevitably links to ur identity. and when u r young u r still figuring these things out. and u r still refining your taste/style/preconceptions/knowledge/etcetera. so when u go to a crit, and ppl critique your work, u feel like they r critiquing who u r as a person. u feel it in ur very soul. and I remember being shocked at first. because suddenly my very core of my self was hanging on a wall for ppl to look at and criticize. and it was terrifying and new and strange. and then over time we learned to distance ourselves from our work a little bit, and not let crits slice our souls. but as we were doing that, our work was getting better and better. and we were growing up. and our quote-unquote-styles were refining themselves. we got polished up, I guess u could say. and now, when I look at my portfolio, I can see it again. I can see my very self in everything. and it’s a nice, more mature, less-worried-about-what-other-ppl-think version. and the crits still come. and sometimes they r useful. and sometimes I push back. and idk what i’m trying to say here rlly. but I guess what I mean is that as u grow up, u get more and more polished, and u become more and more and more of who u rlly rlly r in your soul. and the feedback & experience & practice helps. it all shapes u. the confidence comes earned. and the more u embrace & discover who u r & reveal it through your work, the more ppl tend to look at u and your work and say wow. they find u intriguing. and personal branding weaves itself in all of this somehow. but that’s for another time. just cultivate that gut. refine those instincts. and u won’t have to fake your own brand so much. u will be unique on ur own.

maturity comes earned & over time. I met some old ppl recently who had been through so much hardship. and I told my dad, i’ve been so whiny lately about my easy life, but these ppl r so tough. and my dad said, yes they are tough. but when they were your age, they weren’t tough.

life refines u, polishes u, strengthens u on its own. all comes in due time.

i’m such a wise little college graduate.

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live list of interviews i’ve had. we r killing it lol

  1. guatemala
  2. printer
  3. travel marketing agency
  4. basketball team 01
  5. book publisher 01
  6. international campaign agency
  7. basketball 02
  8. brand/design agency
  9. motorcycle retail design whatever thing
  10. book publisher 02
  11. branding & marketing agency
  12. interior design company
  13. kate spade
  14. interior design co 02
  15. soccer
  16. nutrition co
  17. nutrition 02
  18. new york

cast your net out wide kids. it’s exhausting but u learn so much about who u r and what u want & what is possible.

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et en arcadia ego. UGH.

millionaires build houses across the street from where I live. old people retire here. but even in paradise life sucks.

ppl lose their sweethearts to dementia. boyfriends lie. kids stress about college & girls have panic attacks & parents die. bodies stop working. people hate themselves. there’s so much ache here. so much. old people literally come here to die. and then what’s next? what is all of this future for?

but so many of these old sweethearts say they’ve had a good run. they’re sitting in the hospital chuckling and staring in the distance and nodding that it’s been good. they’re quiet & accepting & they know so much more than I do.

no mansion on the beach will make u happy. no job or swagger or college or talent or life path. bc at the end of the day one of us is going to be sitting on a hospital bed. and I hope to god that if it’s me, my wrinkled face is cute af. and that someone is by my side telling me none of it was a waste. everything was worth it. and they’re so glad they found me.

run awayyyyy.

I finally jumped into the pool tonight. kenzie thinks she invented that or something. before I jumped I had a moment and looked at the sky and tried to feel a sign from God or something. but all I could feel was god being like, no i’m not gonna give you a sign why are you even doing this it’s gonna be dumb and cold. so I did it. and it was so cold. I hate the cold wtf. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. it was miserable. I thought it would be this refreshing experience but it just made me angry.

i’ve just been so impulsive lately. tryna jump into anything that will keep me distracted. I almost took a job at an ice cream shop what the heck. I caused a car accident bc I was running like a crazy person. I broke into my own car. and got stuck in a tree. I broke my car. & my computer. & tried to move to guatemala. I just want to run awayyyy. but I don’t think god is going to let me move forward until I stop jumping into cold water like an idiot. ya gotta wait. it out. and not do things just to do things. but I do think I need to stay off the grid for a while. no more social media. hide & avoid anything that’s messing up my emotional sanity. move on. ya know. disappear for a bit. let go. I don’t have a choice honestly. I mean god literally hacked my instagram. gotta listen to god.

so…. chao!