let it be let it be let it be let it be. in due time ugh.
waiting is just as important as doing. they’re the same thing. I guess. last night kenzie and I walked to the outlet. we walked to the outlet. what the heck. anyway, I was like, even tho i’m waiting for my life to start in a lot of ways I rlly do like it here & I like this time a lot. and kenzie was like, u r being used here, too. u r teaching little kids things & u r teaching me things. & I was like, woah that’s deep kenzie.
I don’t know when everything is going to change. I know it will eventually. but I don’t have to rush it. life happens three days at a time. 6 months is too stressful to think about so ima say 3 days. sometimes u just gotta let things be for a bit. just a bit. & wait for the right thing. if u r so privileged.
this time is just as important as the next. let it be.
don’t do something conventional bc u think u have to. maybe it doesn’t make sense to a lot of ppl but it does to u. create ur own path and don’t worry about it. that’s all.

u can speculate all u want but truly u just have to ride the waves that come to u.

i’m realizing that i’m an idiot. really. u can be an art slaying mastermind one day and then literally two seconds later become an obsessive pathetic ninny. I am that ninny. i’m also crazy. not even in a cute way. in an idiotic way. ugh.

u can speculate all u want but truly u just have to ride the waves that come to u. no thinking and wishing and analyzing will matter at all until the decision actually presents itself to u. u can want something, but if it doesn’t offer itself to u then it doesn’t matter. i’m talking about a particular job obviously. there’s no point in stressing about whether or not I will accept it until the decision becomes mine in the first place. until then I just gotta live my life and not sway for it. ya know.

live your life and don’t sway for it, hello. don’t sway for anything. ever! never conform!!!!!!! grrrrrr

of course it gets kinda hard to do that when u have to make one decision before u know whether or not u will be presented with another decision. i’m talking about when u get a different job offer before another job offer and u r like hmm let me get back to u so I can prolong all of this stress while none of these timelines add up.

“trust your gut. everyone will have different ideas about what you should do, but ultimately the decision is yours. and then, once u make your decision, it will be up to you to handle the consequences that result from that decision.”

“make the best decision you can and then embrace wherever you end up.”

“you’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. that’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.”

u can speculate all u want but truly u just have to ride the waves that come to u.

so stop speculating. ldjkflakjdflkjdflk

aye this week. oh my god. oh my god. L;SKJFGOPISDFJLKSDJF,MC

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church notes from december. what else would the pastor’s child be writing in her sketchbook. man that paper was top quality I miss it.

christmas was a good time everything was still new and giddy. so much has happened in two point five months. but life happens 6 months at a time. or 2 months. or 3 days. todo estara bien.

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when I first started college I remember being really freaked out because suddenly how I performed in school was directly linked to who I was as a person. when u make art or design things, u can’t help having your own style. and that style just inevitably links to ur identity. and when u r young u r still figuring these things out. and u r still refining your taste/style/preconceptions/knowledge/etcetera. so when u go to a crit, and ppl critique your work, u feel like they r critiquing who u r as a person. u feel it in ur very soul. and I remember being shocked at first. because suddenly my very core of my self was hanging on a wall for ppl to look at and criticize. and it was terrifying and new and strange. and then over time we learned to distance ourselves from our work a little bit, and not let crits slice our souls. but as we were doing that, our work was getting better and better. and we were growing up. and our quote-unquote-styles were refining themselves. we got polished up, I guess u could say. and now, when I look at my portfolio, I can see it again. I can see my very self in everything. and it’s a nice, more mature, less-worried-about-what-other-ppl-think version. and the crits still come. and sometimes they r useful. and sometimes I push back. and idk what i’m trying to say here rlly. but I guess what I mean is that as u grow up, u get more and more polished, and u become more and more and more of who u rlly rlly r in your soul. and the feedback & experience & practice helps. it all shapes u. the confidence comes earned. and the more u embrace & discover who u r & reveal it through your work, the more ppl tend to look at u and your work and say wow. they find u intriguing. and personal branding weaves itself in all of this somehow. but that’s for another time. just cultivate that gut. refine those instincts. and u won’t have to fake your own brand so much. u will be unique on ur own.

maturity comes earned & over time. I met some old ppl recently who had been through so much hardship. and I told my dad, i’ve been so whiny lately about my easy life, but these ppl r so tough. and my dad said, yes they are tough. but when they were your age, they weren’t tough.

life refines u, polishes u, strengthens u on its own. all comes in due time.

i’m such a wise little college graduate.

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interviews

live list of interviews i’ve had. we r killing it lol

  1. guatemala
  2. printer
  3. travel marketing agency
  4. basketball team 01
  5. book publisher 01
  6. international campaign agency
  7. basketball 02
  8. brand/design agency
  9. motorcycle retail design whatever thing
  10. book publisher 02
  11. branding & marketing agency
  12. interior design company
  13. kate spade
  14. interior design co 02
  15. soccer
  16. nutrition co
  17. nutrition 02
  18. new york

cast your net out wide kids. it’s exhausting but u learn so much about who u r and what u want & what is possible.

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et en arcadia ego. UGH.

millionaires build houses across the street from where I live. old people retire here. but even in paradise life sucks.

ppl lose their sweethearts to dementia. boyfriends lie. kids stress about college & girls have panic attacks & parents die. bodies stop working. people hate themselves. there’s so much ache here. so much. old people literally come here to die. and then what’s next? what is all of this future for?

but so many of these old sweethearts say they’ve had a good run. they’re sitting in the hospital chuckling and staring in the distance and nodding that it’s been good. they’re quiet & accepting & they know so much more than I do.

no mansion on the beach will make u happy. no job or swagger or college or talent or life path. bc at the end of the day one of us is going to be sitting on a hospital bed. and I hope to god that if it’s me, my wrinkled face is cute af. and that someone is by my side telling me none of it was a waste. everything was worth it. and they’re so glad they found me.

run awayyyyy.

I finally jumped into the pool tonight. kenzie thinks she invented that or something. before I jumped I had a moment and looked at the sky and tried to feel a sign from God or something. but all I could feel was god being like, no i’m not gonna give you a sign why are you even doing this it’s gonna be dumb and cold. so I did it. and it was so cold. I hate the cold wtf. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. it was miserable. I thought it would be this refreshing experience but it just made me angry.

i’ve just been so impulsive lately. tryna jump into anything that will keep me distracted. I almost took a job at an ice cream shop what the heck. I caused a car accident bc I was running like a crazy person. I broke into my own car. and got stuck in a tree. I broke my car. & my computer. & tried to move to guatemala. I just want to run awayyyy. but I don’t think god is going to let me move forward until I stop jumping into cold water like an idiot. ya gotta wait. it out. and not do things just to do things. but I do think I need to stay off the grid for a while. no more social media. hide & avoid anything that’s messing up my emotional sanity. move on. ya know. disappear for a bit. let go. I don’t have a choice honestly. I mean god literally hacked my instagram. gotta listen to god.

so…. chao!

“I’ll probably never have grandkids. Everybody’s afraid to date the pastor’s daughters. Ya’ll are probably bigger sinners than they know.”

-my mother

IM DYING OH MY GOD ALDJFLAKJDSFLKJDKFJASKL

kindness breeds kindness.

UGH HALDFKJASDLFJakldsj

u never know the impact u have on another human being. just gotta be kind and shut up, ya know.

val

preppin those chicos for valentines day. oh god.

love is something you feel, u choose, & u do. & love requires sacrifice.

these things are ancient and they’re art. & here I am teaching these kids the things that have been true forever and ever. and here we are celebrating valentines day and the fact that love exists. and in celebrating that we r also acknowledging the loneliness we all feel. everything is ancient & we r all the same. we’re aching. & we’re longing. for love. ofc.

LOVEEEEEE ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

I was talking to this older lady the other day and telling her about how emotionally weird college is for all of us, and she said something like, I really feel sorry for you young people these days. it seems like u all have to act like you’re doing fine even though you’re depressed, & u cope by numbing yourself & ghosting ppl. & I thought about how many of my friends r actually depressed, and it’s true. young people have it so hard. so so hard. there r a thousand ppl telling us to get jobs that we will hate like that’s the goal or something. messaging is the dumbest shit & nobody’s relationally on the same page. we’re just a mess. it’s all a mess. & we go along w it which is so dumb.

& i’m telling these kids about how we can love others like i’m some expert or something. but the truth is that these truths r true forever & we just gotta go back to them. those ancient paths. the fact that real love requires sacrifice. giving up your time or your things or your words or service. u gotta know who u r, and why other people matter. & u gotta care enough to love them regardless of how scared u r. insecurity is a luxury we can’t afford.

if i want a relationship to last, i can’t love someone for selfish reasons. because then it becomes conditional, & it will eventually end. man speaking in ‘i’ statements sucks. but I get it. thx ds1. happy val day. ❤

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i feel v blessed to live in a city that has a yacht port. like what.

i have this theory that ft myers isn’t a real place but is actually a magic portal. and if u find yourself in ft myers, it means u need to be healed or something. the wildest things happen here. u run into ppl u know at the weirdest times. everything feels like an anomaly. and everywhere u go there are a thousand grandmas ready to smile at u & call u sweetie.

and it’s always sunny. none of that seasonal depression.

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nostalgia for something yet experienced. <<<<sigh

oh man. humans can only be so creative in their dreams. the truth is that as great as they are, sometimes dreams can be limiting. but the easiest way to realize how amazing your life has turned out is to let go of all those dreams and expectations and just look in front of yourself. ofc you never expected to end up where u are. no one ever does. but your situation is completely unique, and it has shaped u and put u in a unique position for your specific purpose. so pursue those dreams. but also follow those urges. and embrace where you are. and just be grateful. and realize that there are a lot of people out there who are struggling or really do hate their lives. and consider how u can help. because that sucks.

the past five ish days

  • everything you break can be fixed
  • ride the whimsy
  • the hardest pursuit will be trust
  • in greek, grace and favor are the same word. that is completely wild
  • your job isn’t ur purpose but it can help u out or put u in a unique position
  • when u dive deep it’s easier to get lost but getting lost is ok 🙂
  • this:
  • “nostalgia for something yet experienced”
  • ^^^^
  • nostalgia for something yet experienced.
  • ^UGH so lovely
  • sheep. i’m a wandering sheep
  • sometimes u have to be forced to lie down in green pastures to get your soul restored
  • I am expendable
  • even jerks are people. even though ugh they r so selfish. u just gotta keep being kind patient and understanding
  • run towards not away
  • total peace
  • trial and comply
  • u can mess up so much and still find favor
  • why have u moved so many times in ur life
  • everything shapes and prepares you.
  • just don’t worry. like chill
  • it’s a rlly nice feeling when u find clothes that actually fit u

u know people we never have any damn clue where we’re gonna end up in life. sometimes that can make us anxious until we have a lead. but the truth is you have no idea what’s waiting around the next corner. and you just have to go with the flow and enjoy yourself as you do. TRUST. it’s all about trust. that’s why I can’t imagine a life without believing in a higher power. if there’s nothing to trust in, I mean, you’d might as well be anxious all the time. because none of what I just said would be true. the universe owes u nothing; things may never work out for u, no matter how long u wait.

it’s no wonder our entire society brags about that whole boss bitch-grind life. because if u don’t trust in anything, there’s no way that things will work out for you unless ur a savage bitch on the grind. u’ve gotta fight for yourself because nothing else in the world is.

so the thing about trusting in a god and believing that things will eventually work out for you, is that it takes all of that anxiety and savage bitch-drive away. you don’t have to worry about yourself all the time, because you know that you will be taken care of. and that knowledge gives you peace. and that peace is what frees you to think about the people around you. and to start helping and caring for them. there is no compassion without a release of the self. think about maslow’s hierarchy.

and that is why religion is so important to a society. suck it.

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i don’t mean to be all vsco but making gifs is too easy & look at that view

“Never conform…but do comply when logical.”

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today someone said that life is hard. and it’s true. it’s easy to get distracted and think that everything is supposed to be convenient. and it’s so great to be happy. but what about the millions of people around u who r not? what do we do

& where do u go when u have no roots.

“it’s crazy how the days of the week just keep happening.” – meg

“I have a bunch of tabs open of youtube videos I want to watch.” – darth

today on my jungle safari I stopped at a little deck overlooking the water and stood at the fence watching all the old people around me. I wanted to ask them how they had figured out what to do with the past half century of their lives. how did they get to this point? how did it all work out for them? of course standing there in front of the pretty water and thinking these things made me cry. so there I was in the middle of a park crying silently amongst a bunch of happy old people. i never cry this much what is the deal. anyway my point isn’t that i’m a melodramatic wuss even though I guess I am. the point is that sometimes u feel heartache and you can’t really escape it. no matter how much you distract yourself. or you try to cope. that physical feeling in your heart just stays there. can’t be masked really. not sober at least. even when u know that of course things will work out eventually. your head just can’t convince yourself to calm down. being in touch with how you really feel can hurt sometimes and I think that’s why we all try to cover it with the gluttony + over saturation of every single physical thing on this earth. but we should really all just ugly-cry more. let it all out. really. stop burying it w stuff and just release it. when is the last time u wept like a baby? maybe you should.

even jesus wept. and he’s more of a man than any of us so it doesn’t break any of those stereotyping man codes or whatever. just go ahead and cry. humans have the ability to weep for a reason. survival of the fittest duh.

ease of living.

happy January.

omg also. sky jewelry. that’s what the msg calls stars. sky jewelry. sigh. this world.

I look up at your macro-skies, dark and enormous,
your handmade sky-jewelry,
Moon and stars mounted in their settings.
Then I look at my micro-self and wonder,
Why do you bother with us?
Why take a second look our way?

“if you’re not amazed most of the time you’re not paying attention” 🙂

maybe i have too much time on my hands. lol. idk. i’d rather write in my little soap box than fix up my resume, or clean up dat portfolio, or figure out my rates and whatever. we r saving the world here. one rant at a time.

yesterday my grandma said that sometimes she gets completely stressed thinking about what she’ll make for dinner. and that when she lets it go for a while and comes back to it later, usually things work out fine. ugh. my heart. this is why a diet of veggie burgers and bagged salad is totes ok. changing up your meals is just stressful and i’m over it. nothing wrong w eating the same thing every day it’s nbd geez relieves so much stress ugh.

also. what a great point, grandma. if you’re unsure about something, just stop thinking about it for a minute. or try at least. ugh. jlksdjflksd.fdfjddlfjalsd.fa. god it’s hard.

but then when you return to it, perhaps things will work out for themselves. or the answer will be more clear. just take a little nap or something and maybe after a few naps you’ll have a dream that will fix everything.

everything

it can be extremely difficult to figure out when it’s time to stop hiding in the bushes and just be explicit about everything u have to say. there r a million people speaking already and it’s so much easier to just leave teeny tiny breadcrumbs for the ppl who care enough to search for them. but the truth is that u r fooling urself if u think any of this is discoverable. u r hiding more than u admit. that’s what I mean. and there are a million voices, certainly. millions of ppl r already shouting their thoughts into society’s void. and it’s difficult to rationalize why you should too.

labels make life a disaster. it’s so easy to mark someone as a player and explain all of their actions away as selfish and insincere. or call someone a prig and think that everything they do is judgmental and naive. but rlly in the end, everyone just doesn’t want to be alone. and some ppl can’t be trusted. and some ppl have weird habits. but keeping your distance out of fear will do nothing except make u sad later. there’s nothing wrong with being kind, rlly ever.

mkay new yrs resolves.

  1. start rlly caring about other people more bc I feel like I got selfish in college. ready to grow up ya know. and get into that serve mindset.
  2. get back into running gotta stay in shape
  3. had a third one that was rlly good ugh I can’t remember

we’ve been talking a lot about how we don’t “feel” christmas here bc it’s seventy degrees. but I think the truth for me is that i’ve been too self-involved lately to even consider christmas. ya know, to rlly ~feel~ anything, u have to stop being distracted and actually sit down and think about it. so maybe the reason it doesn’t feel like xmas or whatever has less to do with the cultural biases of american holiday songs and more to do w all of our distractions. if u want, pause for 3 minutes and consider how you’re alive and why christmas exists. and then carry on. to feel xmas, we gotta feel beyond ourselves. ya know, empathy. ✌️

i am no longer eating sweets, gluten, & dairy. for the rest of the yr. swear on my life.

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you can rlly feel it when u r amongst ppl who truly believe in their hearts everything to do with christian spirituality. the vibes r so unique. ppl r kind even when they r annoyed. there’s just this sense of love. and non-intensity. the fights r different. they never feel like the end of the world. they all end in apologies bc that’s the only way u can ever survive a fight. truly. saying srry ends all wars. u can say literally anything u want and it doesn’t feel like u r saying it just to prove yourself. curse away but just know that ppl will prob laugh at u bc they don’t take u seriously. and u don’t have to take yourself so seriously. bc it’s going to be ok. at the end of the day the ppl around u know that everything is eternal and eventually it’s all going to be ok. I don’t know how else to explain it. ppl who rlly believe in jesus r just different. I mean sure there r a lot of fake believers out there. but the ones who rlly believe just rlly stand out. they’re peculiar. and safe. and not perfect at all trust me. but they get that, and they allow for it. and they don’t expect u to be perfect either. ppl get all out of whack when they expect things from others. the spiritual vibe—it’s just rlly nice. all i’m saying.

I am currently sitting on a balcony. a balcony attached to my room. listening to crickets. not cold at all. it’s quite nice.

it’s amazing to think that two days ago I was crying like crazy. idk. but it’s always that way. the week before u move, u go through like two days of panic and crying. and then u move on. lol. and this is amazing. rlly. it’s so warm. and sunny. palmy. really pretty.

whimsy. someone used that word recently. to describe the houses decorated for xmas here. and I was like omg. whimsy. recently during a critique someone told me to follow that whimsy down to its logical conclusion. and i’ve been repeating those words ever since. it’s all u can do. follow the whimsy until it ends and then move on to the next. I feel v resolved about this.

um. that’s all I have to say.

“if you do get lost, go back to the surface. nothing wrong with that at all”
-bw

go back to what u know. run away and get out of there. there’s nothing wrong w wanting the person who’s loved u forever to give u hug and make everything right again. just get outta the deep and dry off for a bit. reorient yourself. so u can go deeper next time. everything in life is preparing u for the next thing. sure there r times of shallowness but there r also times of deepness, ya know. occasionally u will get lost. but up is always up and that’s usually pretty clear so it’s cool just go back to the surface and feel dat relief for a bit. i’m not gonna lie and say that cold water doesn’t suck and heartache doesn’t hurt. but eventually it ends. so get in that water and go through it. and know that up is always right there. and be amazed at the fact that your body can actually handle it even when u think u can’t. the ache is awful I know. kjfdfakdljda. it was so cold today. but the minute I shut up and went under, I just kept going going going. and eventually realized how incredible everything was. rocks and fish and nothingness. enough nothingness to make a newbie panic. and I was like, this is fucking terrifying and amazing. terrifying and amazing. I love that. and eventually we came back to the surface and I was like, wow, I can’t believe I survived that. I learned so much and now i’m here and i’m a new person. and wow. here I am on the surface and that cold air is making this view amazing. where am I. I guess it was worth it. ima stick on the surface for a lil while. but i’m rlly glad that god isn’t mad when I get lost. bc eventually he’s gonna send me down there again. I hope it’s warmer next time lol.

my final ode to diving for a while gotta stop talking about it so much it’s getting weird.

it’s been a good semester

quotes from thanksgiving 2019:

“I’m at my best when I’m a free bird!”

“Holidays make the world a beehive.”

“I’m getting a lava lamp.”

“I got a lava lamp.”

“Welcome to our collaborative workspace.”

“I was thinking we could have a shelf wall.”

“I’m getting everyone a Toblerone for Christmas.”

“When would you want the pool lights to flash like that???”
“Maybe when you’ve taken substances and want to heighten the effects?”

“Come join us, Madi. I’m serenading everyone from the balcony.”

“Stop whining. You have the world at your fingertips.”
“But I feel like the world is slipping from my fingertips.”

“Things of this earth aren’t competitions of God; they’re reflections of God.”

“You think 9:30 is early?”

“Easter?”

“I’m deleting our conversations and all of my social media accounts.”

“What if I put the Napoleon wig under the Santa Hat…”

“You have pretty eyes.”

“I think you’ll fit in here because Floridians are weird.”

“I’m making friendship bread.”

“Trader Joe’s.”

“Birds aren’t real.”

“I’m taking a shower. See you in 2030.”

“Should I try a cat eye?”

“I feel rootless.”

art school bathroom selfies

y is this a thing idk but it is lol and i’m not alone it’s quite common.

maybe i’m a narcissist. i think i’m also tryna take in everything i’m experiencing. document moments. and think rlly hard about them. treasure them & whatnot. soak it all up & remember things. apparently i’m a v introspective person.

ya know. it doesn’t usually hurt to wear ur heart on ur sleeve. might as well. tell the whole world u want to live in santa fe & eventually someone important will hear u.

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cs lewis said we read to know we r not alone. I guess I need to read more. everyone feels alone at some point. every single body. it sucks but everyone has felt that awful sick feeling of emptiness. ugh it’s the worst. u know what im talking about? where ur heart actually feels empty. it’s so strange. but it’s this real sensation. I think ppl who experience major change have prob felt it more. it will hit u when u realize that the world is so much bigger than your daily routine. that the minute u leave your town, u r surrounded by an entirely new group of people who have no idea who u r. that’s when ur heart feels empty.

it can suck to feel things sometimes. especially ache. there’s no getting around it, tho. u gotta feel it. and then write about it. so ppl know they r not alone.

on sunday the reverend was talking about how luke wrote down his account of what happened with jesus so that his friend theo would have “certainty.” he was literally writing his personal experiences down so that others would be encouraged and feel validated enough to believe. sharing ur account of your life gives other ppl faith. so ya writing is freaking important. even in 2019. it’s the only way u can say something without getting interrupted.

um. I feel like a feather.

also. i’m going to fail this guitar test tomorrow.

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I’m telling u it was even more colorful than this. soooooo colorful. so bright. beautiful sky. so many people. u had to be there.

let me tell u the story of this project. every time I showed up to class, I had a completely different design. finally one day my prof scolded me: it’s good you’re taking feedback into account, but do you even like this version anymore? what do YOU want? you have to be able to know what you like and stick behind it. nothing that you’ve ever made has been bad—all of it works. I can tell you’re going to have a distinct design style in a few years. all of your options have been good. no, you don’t have a problem with simplifying things—you have a problem with developing things. so what do YOU want?! what does MEG want????

I wanted to weep into this lady’s arms. i’d never felt so seen in my life. so called out for my bs. it was like god was holding me by the face and asking me, what do YOU want??? who areeeeee you????? what’s your gut saying? hello?

it’s so hard to stay true to yourself when u don’t know who u are. or when you don’t know what you want, or when u have imposter syndrome. in other words, u gotta have confidence. confidence. it’s the only way u will ever figure out who you want to be, or who u want to be with, or what u even like in the first place. perhaps you’re not the world’s greatest designer, but u gotta take who u are and own it even if other ppl can’t c the potential of your design. even if other ppl vote for the other option. choose the one u like, and follow that whimsy down to its logical conclusion.

what does meggggg want??!#$@@!#$

trying to not fall asleep at the airport. so hard.

mkay mkay mkay mkay. empathy. how do u get more empathy. how do u care more. & ask good questions. how do u spend 5 minutes not thinking about yourself. how do u remember to stop worrying about being amazing. we take too many personality tests these days. we’re too self aware.

mkay. 6 minutes left

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one more day. one more long night and then it’s all over. what a pleasant 3.5 yrs it’s been. I mean not all pleasant but overall v pleasant. but ugh ive become such a narcissist. geez.

ugH. freedom. just round the corner. so much freedom.

life yens:
embrace dat beach life
move to desert + kick art butt
paint.
learn to surf.
run around
make rlly good friends
own a bird
save world
just like freaking chill

what’s the point in doing things u hate to make lots of money. ofc u need money to survive but why u gotta try to make so much. come with me instead. it’ll be more fun I promise.

actually I take it back. money is nice. I hope I marry a rich man. gosh that’d be so nice. I mean what would I even do with myself if my husband were rich. ew what would my purpose be. ew. i’m rlly conflicted. it would be so nice to be taken care of forever. but also like rlly annoying. gosh i’m rlly conflicted about this. what do women want. I have no idea.

can u imagine being loved by some rich guy who’s got his life together. is that even a real thing. ugh I would love to be adored like that. but geez men have such high expectations. and then they put this ideal version of u in their head. and then they get to know u and they’re disappointed. it’s so hard to keep up appearances.

keeping up any kind of appearance is rlly exhausting. I just want to eat cookies and stop caring.

time is running out. sigh.

advanced diving was today. it’s one of those moments when you’re really in the moment, but also not. ya know? like you’re in this kinda dazed state. and ur just kinda going w the flow. and then suddenly it hits u, oh my gosh. I am experiencing this moment right now. and u start to try to appreciate it. and then before you know it, it’s over. and it becomes a memory. I wish I were better at living in the moment. I wish I weren’t so in my head. I just get so dang distracted. earth to major tom.

hostile but intriguing vibes.

i’ll take it

also:

“If you do get lost, go back to the surface. Nothing wrong with that at all.”
—Dive Buddy

when u move a lot, u start to always feel slightly like an outsider wherever u go. so u learn to be observant. and u learn to look around and notice the way people arrange themselves. & u look for people on the outskirts. and u try to be open-minded. and i am grateful for this upbringing. but i think i’m forgetting these things. so it’s time to move again. rlly. i feel good about it.

i can’t imagine not shaking things up every 6 yrs and changing everything about ur life. how do other ppl do it. i guess it’s time

the ironic corruption of innocence (the word)

let’s talk about the fact that this word is used in a derogatory sense all the time. the term innocent means not guilty. free of any wrongs. and somehow that means u lack experience? u r missing out?

there is an archetypal concept of sacrificing something innocent to make amends for another’s grievances. jews killed lambs and the french republic killed Sydney Carton.

we think of innocent people like pharisees. the pharisees weren’t innocent. they were terrible prudes and not innocent. they were snobs and rule followers and religious jerks and yada yada yada.

jesus was innocent. do u think he was naive? do u think he missed out bc he never let himself go? what. that sounds so dumb.

the innocence of christ allowed him to sacrifice himself for others.

there is something incredibly weighty about setting your own desires aside for a greater good that u can’t fully understand. I can’t explain it. but d mil said this once and it’s sort of related:

As silly as it sounds, I realized, late that night, that other people had feelings and fears and that my interactions with them actually meant something, that I could make them happy or sad in the way that I associated with them. Not only could I make them happy or sad, but I was responsible for the way I interacted with them.

I think my point is that we have turned this grand word “innocent” into a way to insult virgins. when rlly its meaning is so much more weighty and complex and spans far far far far far past that. it has rlly nothing to do with nativity, when u think about its historical sense. they r 2 separate things. “naive” is an insult, sure, I guess. but to be “innocent,” well. I guess that’s a high and distinguished honor. that truly none of us deserve.

29

29- Manic Pixie Dream Girls |
These are a character type found in film. The term was coined by Nathan Rabin to describe the sort of one-dimensional, free-spirited, beautiful girl that serves to inspire the male protagonist on his journey. Apparently she’s a man’s fantasy: slightly eccentric in a sexy way, super dreamy and cute, she’s quirky and fun and has no baggage. The ideal innocent-but-soooooo-much-fun chick. She’s sooooooo hot. I mean cute, winky face. Blah blah blah. Shut up, patriarchy. But alas, perhaps it’s a woman’s fantasy to be a manic pixie dream girl.

#23

23- Space (Outer)
I have been informed that if you lined them up side-by-side, you could fit all of the planets in our solar system between Earth and the moon. All nine of them. Oops, I mean eight. Anyway, outer space is an incredible thing when you think about it. Even the term, “outer space.” I mean, it’s like we’re admitting that we have no idea what’s going on. We’re like, here is us in our little bubble of existence, and out there—out there in that space out there—yea, that’s the giant spread of endless nothingness we are floating in. Science! It’s so satisfying.

an encyclopedia of interesting things

04- The Golden Ratio |
Lets talk about the fact that our brains can sense when things are well-proportioned, aka balanced, and those perfect proportions make us interpret beauty, aka harmony. Many moons ago, early mathematicians and artists and think-y people sought to create order by mimicking the order found in nature. And somehow these ancient scholars managed to study nature and turn it into math. Euclid, Vitruvius, and the likes recognized that when two parts of a whole formed a ratio equal to the ratio formed by the larger part and the whole, it looked nice. Did you get all that? That’s fine. Just know that this little equation is the basis for the golden section—the proportional system that, like, kinda defines beauty to our eyes. Euclid called it “The Divine Proportion,” which is a crazy thought. Divine means “of or from God,” and here he is suggesting that these proportions were God-made, as if there is a higher power who has established the laws of beauty for the universe. Sweet stuff.

eccentric bird lady

I regret drinking coffee half an hour ago. considering that it’s now 12:15 am.

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I saw this sign recently and it made me feel many things. incredibly nostalgic. very happy. ancient. burdened. overwhelmed. hopeful. anxious. romantic. festive. lots of things. I wish I could quit everything and work at target for the holidays. maybe I will. there’s something so precious about holidays and traditions and familiar places and yada yada yada. every little moment slash experience slash job slash piece of history or culture is precious. idk. felt so many things.

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it’s a huge shame that fairy dust is harmful to the environment. there’s something obviously wrong with the human condition. fairy dust kills fish. I mean. we live in a fallen broken world. it shouldn’t be this way.

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I realllllyyyy love this sort of lemongrass green. it’s so lovely. it might be my fav color if I weren’t favorite-color debilitated after years of thinking my fav was orange bc I thought it had to be due to an event in fifth grade where I became labeled as the girl who loved orange. now i’m incapable of having a favorite color bc idk who I am + my fav color radar is broken. I could use a therapist. but only for color. i’m perfect in every other way…

a lil over a year ago I sat on a bench next to the parking garage on the phone with my mom while she told me the schedule for interviews + visits + decisions regarding florida. I remember being dramatic about the fact that the whole congregation had to vote. and I remember feeling like everything was happening quickly & slowly at the same time. and being so confident for the four people i’ve known longer than anyone. it had been a year of uncertainty for them, and now here I was on a bench, so much at peace about everything.

that’s the thing. never in my life could I have dreamed that I would one day sit on a bench at the university of georgia. I never expected to end up in georgia, how could I? u don’t get to plan ur life. and besides, ur own imagination sucks. but i’d have never guessed that one day I would study art in the middle of GA and meet a fish-loving rock climber who would become my best friend slash roommate and travel home to the beach for holidays and breaks. I mean. it’s been a pretty good life. that I never would have planned for myself.

the point is that I have this dream slash desire to move to new mexico and become an eccentric, amazing art lady with lots of birds. and parts of that dream might be worth having. but the truth is that life can take u in better ways than u could’ve imagined if u just go w it.

I was in the dominican republic once and this friend of ours was telling us about his life in a preachy sort of way. he said, dios ya ha escrito tu historia, which the translator translated as, god has already written your history. that word history struck & made me start crying behind my sunglasses.

do u get this? your history is already part of the story of the world. UGH. your legacy is already out there, in time & space somewhere. ur HISTORY has been written. I mean maybe u had to be there. but this was a powerful thought at the time.

ugh whatever fine u had to be there.

the coffee has not worn off. this is irritating.

bach & d mil

thinking a lot about this lately.

yes, keep practicing, but there is no need to worry so much about your own talent.

be honest about who you are and open…to…the holy spirit

and then get out of the way

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Ginger! it’s going to say ginger. bread. looonggg way to goooo. must fix the n.

excited for the week ahead. no clue why. just ready for it. hmmmm.

I wonder how the next 12 yrs of life r gonna go. where will we be in 12 yrs. hmm. i’ll be 33. that’ll be strange.

sometimes I forget that I love design ya know. school becomes a mix of fascinating & dull. sometimes I love it, and then sometimes it becomes so much that it’s too much and ur brain just shuts down and stops enjoying any of it bc it’s too much all at once. does that make sense. and then u think u hate ur major when rlly u don’t & it’s perfect. u just need more time to take it all in & rlly appreciate it. like, I feel like I don’t get to appreciate everything enough bc I don’t have time. I took this one class jr yr that I’m pretty sure was the coolest class ever. but I was so tired that I slept thru most of it. a real shame.

anyway. there r a thousand ppl telling u what to do w ur life. u must decide who u want to listen to. and u should prob listen to none of them. ppl think u r automatically being dumb if u don’t heed their warnings, but the truth is that it’s incredibly difficult to discern who to listen to out there. u just gotta live ur life and make the mistakes u r going to make. I believe that’s the way to do it.

experience is the greatest teacher. is that how it goes?

“what would u do if you weren’t afraid?”

^perhaps the best thing u can do instead of listening to all those loud ppl is to just ask urself this, every now and then.

yes

to do list + week

 

  • exit project – the whole thinggggggg
  • finish making website port
  • practice guitar songs for midterm***
  • mail grandma thank you letter
  • find some jobs…
  • write up guest speaker reflection for pro prac
  • brand identity exploration + whatnot for design center
  • paint some cool shizzle

this week…

bc sometimes u need to remember everythinggggg
& see all the pieces fit together…

sunday: a climbing movie. stayed up all night paintinggggg…so much painting. so little sleep. why did I do that? anyway. a late start to the morn. some portfolio design. some climbing. some food. tryna figure out exit show proj. all the notes on the floor. eep. an irritating convo about florida ugh. an incredibly timed gilmore girls meme ur welcome yeet master. monday: a meeting w some gingerbread ppl so coooool. at buvez. pics of dt posters. an amazing salad sigh. work. michaels for exit show inspo. pics of canvases & glitter & tissue paper. phone overwhelm freak out + a biggggg break. deleted social or something. choosing a song to play on guitar ❤ tuesday: hid that blasted phone & deleted all me messages. bought a cap & gown. some bad guitar playing. more class. aligning all those portfolio pics. a nice chat outside w bekah. some sleepiness. com group & a chat about “journeys.” also learned that I should totes become a face painter at disney. bought some hair dye late at night. … still stressed about that dumb exit project. wednesday: work. putting up flyers on campus. more work. witnessing a sanuk person. deciding what to do. main library w chris <3. refreshing chats. serious exit planning…and tWO ideas glory glory hallelujah. the hardest part is just choosing an idea amiright. bc before you choose something, the whole world is at your fingertips and that’s just too too much to hold. 🙂 ugh so relieved. Zebus. a lesson on the first four chapters of Romans. free from phone glory. thursday: skipped guitar class bc I still suck. exit class. presented my idea heck yeaaaaa. fabulous. a tour of the dodd. a lovely puzzle. back to michaels to buy a half-off canvas. and a neon pink marker. guitar song practice. sounding gooooddddd. wow practice rlly does work. a discouraging slash inspiring chat from a business consultant. geez so many rules about how to have a good life chill lady. a lovelyyyyy chat w chris at sbucks. a lesson on web design. websites r essentially files. rlly cool. very pretty hair and half of a chickfila wrap. a night of people watching. friday: work. a lovely talk with my own father on the way to class. wow so good. spilled my guts. v good advice. y do I act so private about things?… a longgggggg class. a difficult text. a presentation about gingerbread. honestly it’s a long class but v good vibes. a walk home. some coffee. ivy’s fancy gig at the botans. so lovely ❤ ❤ tj maxi + menchies. tj’s at night will always be a happy concept. more ppl watching, & chatting, dancing, bonding yada yada. hard truths. some podcast recording. sat: the chillest, most cool-fall-vibey morning ever. another hard text. but freedom wow. a walk to frutta bowls for an amazing bowl. oc. some hair-dyingggg omg what have I done I laaaavvv it. a chill afternoon. teaching abby to climb. tacos & tortilla chips, which r annoyingly good. a reminder that the end is near. some menchies. some guitar. some chilling.

and now here we are. a rlly good week. feelin free & aware. : )

words this week…

  • If you don’t tell ppl what you want no one will know who you actually are. (ivy)
  • Don’t save over your process work. (spivey)
  • Certainty leads to closed-mindedness. (com group)
  • Well done is always better than well said. (hannah)
  • People don’t understand the value of design, (career recruiter)
  • You will eventually have to tell a client, “Some of this might be hard to hear.” (brit)
  • Everything that everybody does makes sense to them when they do it. (pam)
  • Keep pertinent visual info above the fold. (spivey)
  • Fear is ten feet tall and paper thin.
  • Don’t spend your money & labor on crappy food that doesn’t satisfy you. (isaiah)
  • We don’t need to stress about our career like these people are telling us to because we don’t even want those things. (chris)
  • Being clear & honest is hard but ultimately the right thing to do (dad)
  • Pursue things u like & don’t settle. (ivy)
  • It’s ok to not always know what you want. (dad)
  • Only honey goes on top of the fruit. That’s just proper açaí bowl construction. (kenzie)

trailer park

I read somewhere this week that Jesus isn’t your cheerleader. I suppose that is true. u know, u get all these other cheerleaders in ur life and it becomes a little overwhelming. all these ppl telling u how great & right u r. can’t be healthy, anyway. there’s a lot of terrible advice out there.

I guess jesus is a coach. or a teacher. those r so cliche they lose meaning though. he’s a jedi master. yes that’s less cliche.

I heard somewhere once that the holy spirit whispers so that you have to get quiet enough to hear him. I can see how that would make it hard to listen to him around so many cheerleaders. it’s nice to be liked. but also, sometimes u just need to run away. so things don’t get too loud.

i’d like to hide for a few days.

i’m so grateful for god. he gives life meaning besides seeking a fancy job and running away from your parents and whatever.

I just want to make good art. what the heck is wrong with that.

hello. thoughts:

  • trust ur gut
  • but also, u gotta cultivate ur gut and make sure you’re taking care of it. so that you can rlly hear what it’s trying to tell u
  • I think that holy spirit + gut are related
  • lots of really cool elements to graphic design
  • men r straightforward & honest, which would b nice, if they were smarter
  • u have to like urself, firstly. or at least know who u r. then u have to b ok with being alone with ur thoughts. or at least know why being alone makes u scared.
  • ima get a dinosaur tattoo
  • my dad thinks i’m a bad painter
  • it’s completely fine to go against the flow. once again I must refer back to the matrix.
  • i’m stalling rn. of course.
  • what should I do for my exit show.
  • if anyone reads this, would someone plz buy me some papermate markers. I love them but I have to save my money
  • learning new skills takes practice practice practice. and unlike art, u can’t bs it. gotta practice.
  • i’m talking about the guitar. and juggling. and climbing. fishing.
  • but it’s completely possible to learn new things. ppl forget that. and they say things like, you’re an artist? that’s so cool. i’m not artistic at all. blah blah blah
  • u think I was born good at this? no. I spent thousands of dollars to get this good, idiot. and i’m still learning.
  • phew, srry bout that. got a lil heated there
  • I mean, sure, some people have rlly good instincts. but u also gotta train urself to be in touch with those intuitions
  • be mindful, keen, aware of yourself
  • ya know, gotta cultivate that gut.
  • all comes full circle
  • trust ur gut. and cultivate it

mkay i’m done chao

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hi it’s me. oh lord there’s a bug on the wall across from me. laskjfal;ksdjf;mlksd,jfskd,jfamsldk.fjsldkfjsak

anyway. there’s a scene in the secret life of walter mitty where walter is about to get on this plane with a drunk pilot, and the pilot is anxious about the approaching storm, so he goes “let me just finish my beer shoe first.”

I get stuck drinking my beer shoe a lot. metaphorically. like u know how anxiety can sometimes lead u to just kinda sit and worry and not do anything. also known as stress paralysis, maybe. like over the summer when I was packing up my apartment, it took me forever. I was so stressed about packing it that I just kept zoning out and thinking about how much I had to do while I was packing. wasted a lot of time. but I freaking couldn’t help it.

anyway i’m concerned about the future. I don’ know what to do. that’s all I have to say.

night.

dance break

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3:40 am. geeeez this project is a doozy.

but ya know i’m not that discouraged. bc not many more of these await. only three months left. gosh. hard. to. believe.

mkay dance breaks over get back to work.

an argument for the non-existence of dinosaurs

lol idk if dinosaurs existed or not. they probably did. the point is that we have to recognize the fact that we are choosing to trust the evidence put before us. this is true for religious people. and for scientific people; they’re two sides of the same coin. there’s a quote by Robert Jastrow that goes like this:

For the scientist who has lived by his faith in the power of reason, the story ends like a bad dream. He has scaled the mountains of ignorance; he is about to conquer the highest peak; as he pulls himself over the final rock, he is greeted by a band of theologians who have been sitting there for centuries.

it’s easy to claim to be open-minded, but true open-mindedness requires accepting the difficult truth that we don’t know much about our own reality. there is only so much proof we can come up with until no one will really know for sure. I didn’t exist back in the BC’s, did you? everything we claim requires a degree of faith.

why do I believe in God? there’re some emotional reasons, but I won’t mention those. have you ever found yourself alone in your room in the dark when it suddenly hits you, oh my gosh, why am I here?! what am I???

I can’t accept the idea that all of this was an accident or coincidence. the universe is too complex, and good. it had to have been designed. perhaps the BB theory sheds light onto how the universe came to be. but it does not answer why that little singularity existed in the first place; what came before it? what caused time itself?

do you really believe that you’re the accidental result of nothing? what does that even mean?

don’t you know how amazing your body is, and how bizarre it is that you exist?

we’re not animals. we’re not. our hearts ache and we feel real things when people tell us they love us, or die and leave us. stop trying to give some flimsy evolutionary explanation to your emotions. what you feel is real and substantial and reflective of the beautiful & intricate way you were designed. your heart & your brain & all of your organs respond and mingle with your soul, in a system far more complicated than we can understand.

it can be scary to accept that there are inexplicable aspects of the universe. but our brains are tiny; we can only comprehend so much. there’s something bigger than us out there. and that acceptance will actually give you peace. I promise. I want u to feel it too.

the long one

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time for an extremely long post. mostly bc i’m procrastinating. but also bc it’s time. it’s time to spill my guts of all the things. and by that I mean vomit everything on my mind. it’s been quite a month. geez louis. sometimes u just gotta take all of the beans cooped up in ur mind and cut ur brain in half and spill the beans. I could not have worded that more accurately.

first of all, texas.

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sigh. when u think about how much life you’ve actually lived, isn’t it overwhelming? I mean. geez. think about who u used to be. do u even recognize yourself? u know how when u r the oldest u r always awkwardly taller than ur siblings growing up? and so u slouch all the time. man. also, when I was in third grade I wanted glasses so badly. then I got them and I thought they were the coolest freaking thing in the world. well let me tell u. I looked like a dork nerd idiot in those things. I am not exaggerating.

and then by fifth grade I had realized it. and I wanted more than anything to have contact lenses. I thought wearing contacts would make me gorgeous or something. it’s always something. ugh. always. do other ppl struggle w that? constantly needing another thing that will finally make u arrive? after contacts it was straight teeth. after teeth it was being skinny. insert curse word here.

anyway. I didn’t mean to get on that tangent. the point is that man I can’t believe I was a child once and I’ve lived for so many years. what a life. what a life. there’s so many little chapters to it. madi used to be a tom boy. and kenzie used to be this sweet little charming cute thing. lol. the reverend says that as u grow up, sometimes u change and u get a little confused about who u r. but after a while u tend to go back to the person u were a nine yrs old. ya know, before puberty and peer pressure kicked in. I like that.

when I was nine, I was pretty shy around strangers. but at home, I was a loud idiot. basically. but I had a lot of fun.

mkay moving on. man these past few weeks have been cray. it’s so weird being a senior. and almost being done. it stinks. i like feeling like the cute young chick. now i’m a freaking old lady. i’ve got like three months left. that’s crazy. and idk what comes next ya know?

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it’s a nice life rn. good vibes. a sweet time. I mean it’s a little wobbly. and I wish I didn’t keep thinking about the future so much. it’s so weird. i’m like here but not here. a freaking grown lady. but truly such a sweet spot rn. there’s so much life ahead, which is crazy. and I rlly don’t know what in the heck to do. u know, u have to choose one thing, basically, that is the most important to u. and base ur life around that. u can’t have it all apparently. u can’t.

so what should it be? running away to new mexico? getting a fancy design agency job? going to the big city? family? that’s the thing. I have this vision of everyone in my family coming together for sunday dinners when we r older. from all our funky walks of life and with our own families or whatever. we all arrive at the house on sunday nights. and I rlly think I want that more than anything.

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idk about florida tho. it seems perfect and scary at the same time. so different. so down there. and a completely separate life. its own little world. it scares me. idk why.

excited for the fall here. it’s so pretty and bittersweet and emotional. v nice. v excited. georgia, u know. it’s been ok. these past three yrs have been ok.

trust ur gut. that’s what I learned recently. or was reminded or whatever. and God. trust God as well. I do. trust him. so we’ll see what happens. I rlly should prob get to work. gosh I don’t want to. the motivation is waning. man. but I guess the beans have been spilled. some of them, at least. I could go on and on. but ok. I shall get to work. I suppose.

night

🙂

late.

trust your gut and be yourself. it’s all u can do.

sometimes you just need to cancel out of the blue. or withdraw from a class. or just let that original deposit slip away and don’t worry about paying the rest. sometimes u just gotta walk away.

you’ll feel so much better when you do. relief will wash over you.

I think that’s what heaven will feel like, every day. like the last day of school, when you’re finally free and it’s hard to believe that you’re really, actually free. extreme and exciting relief.

i’m having an awful time getting to sleep tonight.

ugh. why do I feel this way. emotions suck. wish I were an android.

just kidding I hate robots. they’re so scary.

celebration

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college works, folks.

today I was fixing up my portfolio for job searching purposes and I literally said to myself, huh. i’m ready.

a good portfolio site has about ten of your best pieces of work. ten pieces that u r really happy with.

I actually had ten pieces I liked. more even, I got to choose. college has literally prepared me for this moment.

fjkldjfalsdkfjalkdsj!@#@#$#@$@#@$!!!!!!!! this is so exciting. i’m like, a freaking professional.

I mean I know I still have a lot to learn and whatnot, but wow look how far i’ve come.

I was like, dang, that looks good. yea I like that. they’ll think that’s nice.

i’m really grateful for my degree. it’s a really good degree. wow. what a blessing. man, there were so many moments in college when I thought, wow i’m so vain and terrible for pursuing an art degree. it’s such a frivolous thing.

but really, design is very useful. and the fact that i’ve had this training. I mean, it really has been such an amazing thing. what a fantastic foundation to grow on. i’m incredible grateful. so grateful. thank you, lord. for these opportunities. and experiences. and friends. and lessons. and changes. mkay. chao

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this pic is unrelated but so sweet huh ❤

Our job was to tend to the earth. That’s what God told Adam to do when he drove Adam out of the garden.

Oh my gosh. Humans have failed miserably. They invented this toxic, indestructible substance called plastic, and now 16,000,000,000 pounds of it enter the ocean every year. Micro-plastics plague the air, and landfills like this one in Nairobi, Kenya exist. Plastic is the weapon of a sci-fi horror movie. Instead of working the land, humans invented robots to process food for them, and they filled their food with sugar and chemicals so that everyone became addicted to it. They’re in the matrix, clearly. They throw their trash into big white bags and have no idea where it goes; they “donate” old clothes just to be rid of them; they flush their toilets with no regard for run-off or irrigation. Out of sight out of mind. No accountability for anything. No accountability.

With all of their advancements, humans have managed to destroy utopia. Natural systems are being disrupted, ecosystems falling apart. Climates are out of whack. Procreation is a mess. History is repeating itself, really. Humans chose to determine right and wrong by their own terms, and as a result they corrupted the natural order of things. It’s the same story over and over, because that is our curse. 

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there’s a song by carrie underwood that goes “sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing is just a grain of sand,” and the only reason I know that is because I had to listen to it for class in eighth grade. but it’s the weirdest set of words that have just stuck with me all this time. you know, people take their jobs so seriously. like design firms for example. they work with brands to give them an identity, which these days means some sort of clever symbol and color scheme and a million ways to make people notice it. it’s all just so exhausting. putting so much pressure on yourself to make this thing that might impact people’s buying choices, but does it really even matter? people are oversaturated with brands anyway, and we are making it our job to just keep adding to the noise. and we act like it’s the most important thing in the world. I don’t know why I get so anxious about it. why i’m letting this one project get to me so much. it just feels so big and huge and overwhelming. why are my expectations for myself so high? I heard somewhere that anxiety is actually the gap between what you expect to happen and reality. anyway what I mean to say is that people put so much emphasis on these corporate things, and it’s all really quite small in the end. I understand that people want to keep their jobs, but I also think that maybe we would all benefit from just being dentists.