figuring it out & whatever

I have so much to say. life has been saturated w a lot of things lately

  • first of all, youthful angst. v into the angry girl aesthetic trend at the moment. it just feels so on point & real I love it. life is gritty & a roller coaster and the so called nice girls feel it too obvi. all of the assumptions we make about each other r wrong. let’s just all be upset & disillusioned together. humans feel deeply. we all do
  • speaking of angry girls, olivia rodrigo’s new album. what an icon. a hero of our time. but truly as I was listening to it today all of her vulnerable lyrics made me realize that this girl has made art & even tho being so vocally vulnerable like that feels awk & scary & frowned upon, every girl in this country has felt what she feels. she just vocalized those honest feelings. & it’s rlly actually admirable. expressing those emotions & truths via art can actually save souls. it’s a bit convicting. makes me wonder if I should make this blog more public. or something
  • I think that rlly what got me is the whole idea that we have a little bit of a responsibility to share our unique selves w the world. especially if we’ve been wired in one of those ways

I realized today that this blog is one of the only places in the world where I feel like my true self. maybe everyone feels this way, or maybe i’m bipolar or something, but I feel like in so many places i’m hard to read or putting on a persona or just being reserved or interacting w people to put up with them. I feel like sometimes, I have to put on a persona just to be a normal functioning social human. I mean I guess that kind of makes me sound like a sociopath. but I just mean that it’s really hard for me to express my inner self in an immediate moment. & I feel like part of who I am is just a person who is able to interact w different ppl in different ways. become someone else according to the environment. I mean all humans do that to an extent. anyway. it’s nice to have a place like this where I can just sort thru myself w/out worrying about any perceptions of me. even a lot of my social media presence creates this image & I don’t even know if i’m real

  • the song ‘brandy’ has been on repeat or a few weeks now. I just really feel for brandy. she’s chilling at this harbor town & everyone loves her but she’s waiting for that one thing beyond the harbor that she can’t have. that lonely longing. poor girl.
  • I moved out. still going thru the adjusting & running around & having no routine or furniture phase. it’s been a time. but I always get like this for the first month or so. just rlly out of it. & in a sleepless/junk food/discouraged/gahfkajflasdjflasdf kind of mood a lot. but it’s fine. i’ll figure it out or whatever.
  • i’ve spent so much money.
  • lately i’ve been preaching to everyone to trust their gut. I rlly do believe it. especially if u have good intuition.
  • v fond of waves at the moment.
  • been feeling v strongly about a fresh start lately. & burning bridges. sometimes a clean slate is just nice bc life gets really gritty & oversaturated especially if u r living in the same place for a while so the current clean slates in my life feel v right.
  • i’m just ready to spend a whole day in bed I think. & maybe go for a run. I think those will be the two things I do on sat. I just feel like i’ve been running around so much lately & I just need rest so my health can get back on track. I believe this is accurate.

just very amazed at everything that has happened locally personally globally & in life over the past yr & few months. one of my coworkers once said to me ‘if I got everything I wanted, my life would be shit.’ I have to agree. my deepest brandy-like longings couldn’t have gotten me to where I’m at now. & i’m v grateful for it. grateful in an overwhelmed & slightly afraid way.

trust the process.

🙂

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