a lot

I was going to clean up after myself but then I realized that I didn’t have to. & that I really wanted to leave everything there exactly the way it was. ❤

I didn’t expect how much I would have to answer for myself when I got this place & how much it would get to me. all of the “wow look at you, how independent of you, how did you get a place like this, it must be expensive…”

just so many questions. and judgements. & some of it is really sweet, but I feel so many eyes on me about it. I feel like suddenly, so many more people are watching me. like, ‘look at little meg she just got an apartment downtown and she’s living alone the audacity. she’s living the dream look at her she’s so lucky.’ like, it’s just so weird. a lady at target the other day called me an independent woman. I was buying towels and she asked if I was moving so I told her, and then she asked it I would be living alone & she was like ‘wow good for you, respect, an independent woman.’ it just felt a little strange. like, I mean, I guess that’s what I am. but for some reason it feels wrong to say that.

tonight I asked dad if I was trying to grow up too fast. and he was like, no not at all. you’re just on track with where people before your generation used to be at your age. that made me feel better. I just feel like so many ppl my age are still working at coffeeshops & living with their parents & on their parents’ insurance plan & yada. & part of that is due to covid. but some of it feels so strange. to have so much coming together at this age. maybe that’s just how growing up feels at any age? it just feels like a lot of my friends don’t relate to me anymore. like somehow I soared ahead. but I guess that’s not completely true. I have friends who live with their boyfriends. I guess that’s similar. but it feels weird that i’m getting such a good place, & i’m living alone.

I guess, really I just feel too blessed. like i’m excited about life & it’s all too good. like why to I get to have it so good. & why do I feel embarrassed about it. I just feel a lot of eyes on me. especially at work. & it’s strange. it’s strange to have such a good life outside of work, & then to go back to work, & be around ppl who I am just so different from. I used to feel left out, but more & more I’m realizing that I like myself & I like doing the things that I like, & that is completely good. & half of the time, I am having so much more fun. & today I was telling dad all of this and he was like, it sounds like you are doing great. sure, ppl might be paying attention because u are different, but that is completely fine & there’s really no pressure there.

the other day k and I were talking, and I made a joke & said something like ‘he’s too cool for me. i’m not cool, i’m better than cool’ and she was like, I actually agree with that. I love that so much. not the fact that she agreed, but just the whole idea that there is something better than being cool, and it is very colorful.

I guess the reason these things bother me is because i’m not doing any of this to impress people or prove myself. i’m just doing it to enjoy myself – because I really want to do it – & so it bothers me that it’s catching so much scrutiny. hmm. I actually wonder if this is one of the first things i’ve done in a long time simply because I-me-myself-me wanted to. I couldn’t tell u the last time no ego or uncertainty or social media has swayed my decision. this just feels so right to me personally. & I don’t feel a need to announce it to anyone other than myself. I mean I do, but not to brag – more to just like to celebrate bc i’m so excited. I guess a lot of growing up is no longer needing the approval of others, because you like yourself & have learned to make decisions that your intuition wants. & somehow, those anonymous, quiet actions end up speaking the loudest.

what a nice picture of how testimonies work.

sometimes I feel weird when ppl question why i’m living alone, & I feel like there’s something wrong with me for being so okay with being alone. I crave it so much. but that’s just who I am. I need that time to gather myself, to make things, to just think & be. it’s what makes me who I am, to be honest, it makes me the version of myself that is able to get along with others so much. the inner life is vivid. & that’s what is able to shine out.

I feel like these past few months I’ve learned a lot about my personality. i’ve learned that all the quirks & things that I thought were wrong with me – they have shaped me into the creature that I am, and instead of being ashamed of any of it, or feeling like i’m not quite as good or capable as everyone else – I am completely free to just be myself and to do the things that I personally want & interact with others in my own unique way. not all people will mesh with me…but some will actually be drawn to me for my behavior. a lot will, actually. u learn all of these things with time. through all of grade school I thought so little of myself because I was quote-shy and didn’t speak much and didn’t seem to have as many friends as anyone else and I just remember feeling so much less competent than everyone else in everything. the truth is that I just didn’t know how to express myself yet. I prayed so much that god would take away my ‘shyness’ – I thought that I lacked bravery or something. I thought I was a coward and that was why I was so socially incompetent. looking back, it makes me want to cry. because little meg truly did hate herself. oh gosh. this post has taken a dark turn lol but I think i’m onto something here…

I did hate myself. I remember that now. And in high school after I moved I didn’t want anyone to know how incompetent I felt. So I thought if I looked skinny, then I would look like I had my life together. And people would not question me. This was the distinct ‘logic’ I remember thinking at the time. lol. I haven’t dug into my high school self in a while. how the heck did I get here.

anyway, that’s how the eating disorder started. yada yada yada, eventually something switched and I became a more social person. & I started to like myself more, I found a lot of passion in studying art, and I grew out of some awkwardness. & suddenly I felt like I had to make up for lost time, & I never said no to any new opportunity that came my way. I wanted to try everything and go on every adventure. & that’s pretty much the stage i’m still in now. it really is true that once you get your confidence back you revert to being your nine-year-old self. lol.

but anyway…geez that was a doozy. the point I was tryING to make is that I have since learned so much about myself. & I have learned to embrace how different I am, to allow myself the space I need, & to interact with people how I may. most people would definitely not describe me as shy anymore. some would still say I am quiet – it depends on who you ask lol. people say i’m difficult to figure out. I hope that doesn’t mean i’m bipolar. lol.

today I was thinking about where some of my classmates from college have ended up, and how I am here, and how we’re all kinda ending up with the lives that are actually right for us. or we will eventually. it’s really sweet actually, to see things work out so uniquely and fittingly for everyone. life works out. it’s cray.

it just takes time & a lot of trust so much trust.

life refines u, polishes u, strengthens u on its own. all comes in due time.

me, feb 29, 2020

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