occasionally u have one of those moments where you realize something that you knew before & seems like obvious knowledge but it hits you all over and feels like this earth shattering truth. like when mack heard the words ‘choose grace’ and thought they were the most profound words of all time. I mean they r but anyway.

my moment was five minutes ago when I was listening to revelation song and then had a revelation. lately i’ve been reading & thinking a lot about art & spirituality and what it means to be an artist & how to know what to make yada yada. and i’ve realized that basically everything i’ve tried to create recently has been in an effort to serve my own ego or prove I can do something or impress the people watching me. i’m making things for the approval & praise of others really. I just want them to think i’m amazing. i’m making everything just to serve my own ego.

and then I was like, that’s horrible. I mean it’s an easy trap to fall into but it’s awful. so what does meg actually want? who am I? what are my actual, natural, non-influenced tendencies and intuitions? what do I want to make? slash pursue. what are even my strengths? if no one was watching, if I knew I would receive no external glory, what would I even be doing? what do I want.

but tonight my revelation was that…the reason I cannot slash don’t need to answer that question is because art/creating at its core is a form of worship. I am not making art for others, nor am I making it for myself. I am making art for God. so what does God want?

how can i worship him through the act of making? that is the question. gah what a realization tonight.

this isn’t about any self glory or ego boosting. it’s about giving God the glory. here I am tryna get ppl to idolize me, basically, which is horrible but honest ew, worship me practically, when I’m supposed to be turning everything around and worshiping god. my art shouldn’t point to myself but to the lord. the lord. oh man.

glad for this truth. hits hard. and is such a relief. even though I am now creating for the creator of the universe, somehow it takes the pressure away.

making is a form of worship. that is how i have to look at my life my career my art my relationships for the rest of my life.

it’s like what rene and I said today. everything starts with pursuing god. or nothing is more important than the pursuit of god. something like that. so true. lord I want to pursue you and worship you more. so that’s what ima try to do. lol shepherd david phase where in just chilling & writing songs.

ok. that’s it. chao