the grind is exhausting. the internet is exhausting. staying healthy. managing money. working a nine to five. cleaning your house. maintaining your appearance. being regularly social. purging your possessions. personal development. being nice to your coworkers. being civil. growing professionally. developing skills. taking trips. doing all the things u feel like u r supposed to be doing. I don’t understand how ppl balance it all. maybe that’s why there r so many undeveloped young ppl these days. no one knows how to manage growing up. i’ve been reading about e girls and boys. it’s a recent subculture popularized by tiktok. i’m in dismay. these kids r basically attractive 20yr olds who dress like sexualized school children and smolder in front of a camera in their bedroom. i’m in dismay because i’m trying to picture these e boys getting married and becoming men and providing for their families and working full time jobs and contributing to humanity n creating some sort of respectable legacy, and I can’t picture it. like, who r these man children going to become in ten years? where is our society headed? dismay. dismay at the immature state of the world. and by immature, I mean incapable of doing difficult things—of committing to things that exceed our own ego—of sacrifice. we are a society incapable of sacrifice. and without sacrifice, our growth—our maturation—will forever be stunted. in order to grow up, you have to sacrifice some things. you have to make choices about what matters to u. when did it become cool to be an underachieving fuck boy. why is it so cool to not care. where r all the gen z kids who r grinding to pursue their dreams. they’re not on tiktok I guess. maybe that’s the issue—the internet has just become a hub for all of the idiots of our generation. while the rest of us r out here figuring out how to grow up. it’s not easy, to be sure. the growing pains r ruff. the slip ups & frustrations r pretty prevalent especially at first. but every month it gets easier. rlly. every month is some new theme. this month the theme is financial conservation…breaking coffee addictions, not buying more tanning mousse, eating cheap healthy food instead of bougie healthy food, purging your closet. minimalism in a very I-am-not-a-minimalist sense of the word. discerning what enhances your life from what is adding unnecessary crap to your life. applying the same mindset to relationships—figuring out how to develop the ones that matter and value yourself enough to drop the ones that will always suck. yes the grind can feel exhausting and hard to figure out. but usually when u r frustrated it means that u r going thru some character building shit. so just trust that despite the mishaps you’re overall improving. maybe slowly. but it’s a positive slope. a positive average slope. is that how u say that in graph terms? it’s been so long I can’t remember. y equals m x plus b. I think. anyway, even though I currently feel like an idiot, I can see that a year ago, I was a worse idiot. life refines you over time. changing as a person is inevitable and good. I like who i’ve become so far. i’m excited about who i’m becoming.
I don’t know what all those e boys will be doing in a quarter century, but I hope i’m in the desert or the beach somewhere with long grey hair and a little shop or studio and many friends—or at least acquaintances who adore me. maybe I have a lover or maybe i’m just rlly strong & independent with an old black cat named ass. I think either way will be okay. anyway, whenever i’m down or lost or mad that I ate ice cream or in grief over my tanning mousse, this vision is what I have to remember. this is what i’m working towards. that holy legacy that supersedes my own demise. that has everything and nothing to do with me. my small part in a very grand universal resolution.