this side of eternity

some scrambled thoughts from a brain that has not sorted itself out in a while.

i’m having trouble knowing where to begin. I don’t know how to sum up what life has been like recently. I didn’t think a quarter life crisis was a real thing, but maybe it is? it’s such a privilege to be able to even have one of those – to have the time to think, to doubt, to consider your own livelihood. it’s like when peter was walking on water and then took the time to overthink what he was doing, to get scared and to doubt – it wasn’t necessary at all. in fact it sort of hindered everything. it’s hardly ever beneficial to repeatedly reconsider ever step god leads you in. it’s honestly the worst.

I don’t know what this weird phase is. this phase of wondering about graphic design, about art, about where I am going, about what I am good at, what I should focus on. it seems that every little fad or passion or interest that I thought defined me doesn’t actually matter like I thought I did. like, maybe I love art and maybe I actually don’t. maybe sometimes I will and sometimes I won’t. apparently that does not have anything to do with my identity. apparently all that matters is that I am a child of the lord, and that’s all I have to be. maybe I really won’t ever be a master at anything, but maybe I don’t have to be. like, that’s not actually a requirement.

moses was slow of speech. timothy was timid. gideon doubted. matthew’s job sucked. but god forced them all out of their comfort zones. and he used them to be a part of something bigger than themselves. there is something so important in being personally incapable of the task god has given u.

so I guess it’s okay to be confused. it’s okay to not be the best and to not know anything. it’s ok to be quiet at first. it seems like god just sort of equips u with the experience and qualities u need and he just works it all out.

it’s been an interesting time. I guess i’ve been growing or whatever. it feels weird. idk how else to put it. like i’m still orienting myself. sometimes I get scared about things, sometimes I have extremely mixed emotions about things. but I think that i’m like…slowly…like becoming wiser. sometimes it’s hard to know when to be patient and when to act fast. but maybe I am the one making it hard. I don’t really know if any of this makes sense at all. I want to start writing on here more so badly. I feel a bit like a squirrel who hasn’t stopped to just sort of pause and collect his thoughts in a while. I don’t know why I said a squirrel. I think i’m going to start recording sweet little moments I have on here. because i’ve had so many lately, and I want to be grateful for them always. I love to write. I mean this post sucks but in general I love to write. also, I think lately I have forgotten that my purpose in life doesn’t have to be directly related to my job. I want to circle back to post grad meg that god spoke to so clearly. safe haven. šŸ™‚ also, I am learning that it rlly is tru that christ makes u whole. like, it takes time. like basically a lifetime. but it gets better and better. healing rlly is plausible. it’s amazing. šŸ™‚ I have also been thinking about the concept of sacrifice lately, like I haven’t realized that I’ve been thinking about it, because I haven’t used that word, but I am. I think that the fullness of life rlly begins once u kinda surrender all of ur own expectations & possessions. and embrace the ppl and circumstances that god has placed in front of u. even if it is outside ur comfort zone.

ok. I have a lot more to sort out in my head & spirit but ima go journal about it later bc my brain sleepy.

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