Unfortunately, I learn more on the hard days.

“What do you want from me?!” I yelled at God as I parked my car. I felt like this was my punishment and he was looming somewhere up high watching me screw up over and over. If I’m still struggling, I must not be doing what he wants, I thought.

Later today I called my dad. He told me about his own struggles, and how God had shown up for him through people, moments of comfort in the morning when the light would hit the bedroom ceiling just right, and the verse in Hebrews where Jesus tells us that he will never let go of us or abandon us. And that was enough. I told him how I felt like I was being punished, and he said I am certainly not, and if anything, it’s quite the opposite of that. “God never wastes pain.”

He told me about the time in the Bible when Jeremiah asked God why the righteous suffer and the wicked prosper. And God answered him.

“If you have raced with men on foot
    and they have worn you out,
    how can you compete with horses?
If you stumble in safe country,
    how will you manage in the thickets by the Jordan?

I told him how disappointed I was that my psychiatrist wouldn’t prescribe me Xanax for the moments I feel unhinged. She wanted me to practice my coping skills instead.

After we hung up, I thought about all of the ways God has shown up for me. Through people, especially. Through Deb from the prayer team, who shared her phone number with me and has been keeping in touch, even recommending a book and calling me to talk through my bad days. Through Sherry, who has checked in and texted me every day prayers and notes that she is praying for me. Through my boss, who has been so understanding and even shared that his own wife has struggled with the same thing. Through my mom who has fed me and kept me company and shared great wisdom with me today. Through the Daily Audio Bible community, whose response to my post on their prayer wall was truly so helpful. Through the kids ministry volunteer team, who hugged me and sincerely cared when I told them about my panic attacks. Brielle’s mom and Janie have been praying for me I know. Through Rick, who even asked his pastor to pray for me during his Bible study meeting. Through our own Bible study group. Through Bethany. Through Tina. Through my dad. And especially, through Hunter, who has grown into a man before my very eyes. He has taken such good care of me.

It’s easy to feel like God is not helping me, especially on the bad days. But the truth is that I have no good apart from Him.

Psalm 16

You Will Not Abandon My Soul

A Miktam of David.

16 Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
² I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
    I have no good apart from you.”

³ As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,
    in whom is all my delight.

⁴ The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;
    their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
    or take their names on my lips.

⁵ The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
    you hold my lot.
⁶ The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
    indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

⁷ I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
    in the night also my heart instructs me.
⁸ I have set the Lord always before me;
    because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

⁹ Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
    my flesh also dwells secure.
¹⁰ For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
    or let your holy one see corruption.

¹¹ You make known to me the path of life;
    in your presence there is fullness of joy;
    at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.