I have been afraid to really write on here lately. convinced that thinking about things—anything—will make me anxious. but writing has been healing in the past, so I will try it. I’m tired of this. but I know that I have made so much progress, and I know that I have to just keep moving forward. I am getting better, I will get better. I really do believe it. my psychiatrist tells me to be patient with myself. throughout this journey my therapist and psychiatrist and others have given me these words and phrases that I just repeat to myself whenever needed. “be patient with yourself” is one of them. so is “this too shall pass” and “you have the ability to rise above this. every day, you’re taking steps. you’re moving forward” and “there’s no reason to be scared, right?” it’s hard because at this point I know the truth, and I know that I believe it. I know I will not starve and that I am eating like a normal person. I know that the anxiety will pass if I just don’t dwell on it and I will be hungry and eat again. but certain times, nights usually, that dumb sensation becomes hard to shake. something about dinnertime doesn’t go perfectly in my brain and things…just…slip. I did so well while we were traveling and camping this weekend. but even then, I was working so hard to keep my brain straight. I got through it and had a great time, and I am so proud! that is to be celebrated! but then coming home today, it’s like my body was like now that I’m safe at home I’m good to start panicking again. it’s habit I’m sure. these are the things I am recovering from.

I often get anxiety around dinner. because I put so much pressure on dinnertime. if I don’t eat enough I won’t have a good night, is what I tell myself. and so of course, I get anxious. and it gets hard to eat. it’s a silly spiral that I really didn’t feel that much at all when I was camping. distractions help so much. but I don’t want to be distracted all the time. I miss being able to have quiet time with God and not have anxiety just overtake my session. I used to love to journal and read. now I don’t know what to write or read. I don’t know why. and reading old prayers stresses me because I see the anxiety everywhere. I’ve had it for so long, in different forms, sometimes not even knowing that’s what it was. in 2022 I was praying to God to help me gain weight. these thoughts and fears have been building up for so long, I hate it. old pictures make me anxious. I was so skinny. I remember the good but also the bad—the poison that was creeping into different places.

when I throw up now, it feels familiar and not scary. like an old friend but obviously NOT a friend. like an old enemy but it doesn’t carry the weight of an enemy anymore. it is no longer a threat to me. I know I will overcome, I know I will defeat it. when I throw up, I feel broken but not defeated. I will beat it, I know I will. I wrote a statement of belief the other day to share with my therapist because I’m trying to stop seeking validation from others and establish what I believe and want to achieve for myself. and my therapist really liked it. here’s what I said:

I believe that I am capable of recovering from this. and by recover, I mean live a life where food does not cause anxiety in me and I learn to manage and even master my anxiety. I believe that by taking the next right step every day, I am getting there, and I am so proud of the progress I have already made. I understand that there is always the possibility that the Lord does not allow me to heal from this. there are Christians throughout history who struggled with mental illness their entire lives and God had a purpose for it. If that ever becomes the case, I will trust in the mysteries of God’s sovereign ways. But for the time being, I believe that I am on the track to heal and rewire my brain from the skewed thoughts around eating I developed over 10 years of having an eating disorder.