It’s one am.

I’m paralyzed for no reason. I should be sleeping. But it’s so late at this point that I’m dreading the 6:30 am wake up, and I’m wondering if maybe just not sleeping at all would be better.

On these mornings I’m always late to class. Or nearly late. Or having to drive and pay to park because I miss the bus. I know it’s my fault. I know I’m irresponsible. But gosh, of course I am. God expects nothing less. Perfection is an illusion, that’s what our guest speaker in class said today.

I have so much to do. The list keeps growing, and I feel like a turtle. I’m going so slow, and the opportunities are passing me. But I can’t keep up. Before I have time to consider them, they’re already moving on.

I wish time would stop so I could just stare at everything. And think about it all, and sew it into my memory. I want to be able to appreciate everything. And meditate on it. There’s so much to consider. I could spend a lifetime staring at my pencil, wondering what it really means to me and how it was made and why 0.3 lead comforts me so much. Seriously, why?

This is why it takes me an infinity to finish a book. I underline and rewrite entire sentences and reread entire chapters. There’s just so much in a set of words. Thank God for the Bible. And thank God for his command. To meditate on his word day and night. The Lord has given me permission, nay: implored me, to be as slow and reflective and analytical as I like. Thank God.

There are so many decisions I’m supposed to be making right now. And so many deadlines for them. Here I stand. At the crossroads. And I’m looking. And I’m wondering where the heck the ancient paths are. Where is the ancient anything, in this day and age? I’ve heard a thousand stories here. Guest speaker after guest speaker. Acquaintance after acquaintance. Stories of successes and failures and passion and fun and art—all these words in quotations. My phone is in my face 24/7, telling me a million more. And ancient feels so far away…and dead.

I don’t want to run in the rat race for the rest of my life. So where oh WHERE are the ancient paths, Lord? Please make my decisions for me.


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