I guess I do my best thinking at one am.
Here’s what I’m thinking: today, I feel like a failure. Or yesterday, I guess. But it’s still carrying over.
I feel hideous. Ashamed. Unlovable. Disgusting.
I despise myself at the moment.
But that’s the key word: moment. Moment. Mooommmeeennntttttt.
We’re supposed to live in the moment. That’s how the saying goes. But when I live in the moment, I get stuck in the moment. I focus on the moment, and when I think I’ve messed up in the moment, I think of nothing else, but that moment. No other time in my life comes to mind. It’s just pure, utter self hatred. And wishing I could just be invisible. All the joy I’ve had. All those other moments when I’ve loved myself—just gone like they never even happened.
And I’ve had a lot of moments of self love. I mean for real, I’m freaking obsessed with myself. I am proud of my accomplishments, often. I like my personality, much of the time.
But in this moment, I feel like a failure. And that’s all I can think about.
So maybe I shouldn’t live in the moment. Maybe I should step out and look at the bigger picture. And think about tomorrow, and not how I plan on punishing myself tomorrow. But tomorrow: as an opportunity to love God and love others. Because that’s the biggest thing. That’s what really matters, every waking moment.
To live a life of love.
To love your neighbor as yourself.
Which means I have to love myself
…every waking moment. Not just the happy moments.
No more self hatred. How do I make it stop?