naive

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It just occurred to me that if I follow my dreams, I will experience an isolation like freaking way worse than this. Someday I will sit with my head in my knees in the corner of my empty New Mexico apartment and weep. My heart will ache with the sort of loneliness you can physically feel in your chest.

I will feel unseen by the entire universe. And nonexistent, and unloved. Even though I will know these things aren’t true, that awful heartache will sit in my chest for a long while. And it will really really hurt.

I am terrified for this moment right now.

Silly, ignorant, naive me, dreaming these dumb, idealistic dreams. Moving is hard. It is going to be so hard. And painful. Ugh.

So if I go through with it? What will I do?

I will whisper: You are the God who sees me. You are the God who sees me. You are the God who sees me. You are the God who sees me. You are the God who sees me.

Over and over and over again until I fall asleep.

I’m still excited. But there are so many sad moments ahead. Geez.

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