fruit

smthg just hit me.

what u hear a lot about eating disorders is that they pretty much always revolve around control. control control control control.

when u hear about recovery, u always hear about how u have to let go of control and stop restricting urself in order to b free. and that’s oc the scariest worst part of the whole thing bc there’s no way ur gonna do that. u’ve heard that it works. u’ve seen it work for other ppl. but u still just can’t trust it. there’s that voice telling u that letting go will make u fat. u just can’t let go. u can’t.

it hit me tonight. the fruits of the spirit. love joy peace patience kindness goodness gentleness faithfulness and self control. self con-freaking-trol. the thing i’ve been clinging to for six years. the thing I hate myself for not having more of. it’s just been sitting there in that verse this whole time.

i’ve heard that all the fruits build upon the others. if u have love then joy will come then peace will come yada yada. self control is the last one. it’s like the ultimate fruit. how did god know? it’s like we’ve all been struggling w the same thing for centuries.

it all starts with love. it all starts with the 1st and greatest commandment which makes sense considering it’s called that. love the lord ur god w all ur heart soul mind and strength and luv ur neighbor as urself. then eventually, the self control will come.