the long one

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time for an extremely long post. mostly bc i’m procrastinating. but also bc it’s time. it’s time to spill my guts of all the things. and by that I mean vomit everything on my mind. it’s been quite a month. geez louis. sometimes u just gotta take all of the beans cooped up in ur mind and cut ur brain in half and spill the beans. I could not have worded that more accurately.

first of all, texas.

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sigh. when u think about how much life you’ve actually lived, isn’t it overwhelming? I mean. geez. think about who u used to be. do u even recognize yourself? u know how when u r the oldest u r always awkwardly taller than ur siblings growing up? and so u slouch all the time. man. also, when I was in third grade I wanted glasses so badly. then I got them and I thought they were the coolest freaking thing in the world. well let me tell u. I looked like a dork nerd idiot in those things. I am not exaggerating.

and then by fifth grade I had realized it. and I wanted more than anything to have contact lenses. I thought wearing contacts would make me gorgeous or something. it’s always something. ugh. always. do other ppl struggle w that? constantly needing another thing that will finally make u arrive? after contacts it was straight teeth. after teeth it was being skinny. insert curse word here.

anyway. I didn’t mean to get on that tangent. the point is that man I can’t believe I was a child once and I’ve lived for so many years. what a life. what a life. there’s so many little chapters to it. madi used to be a tom boy. and kenzie used to be this sweet little charming cute thing. lol. the reverend says that as u grow up, sometimes u change and u get a little confused about who u r. but after a while u tend to go back to the person u were a nine yrs old. ya know, before puberty and peer pressure kicked in. I like that.

when I was nine, I was pretty shy around strangers. but at home, I was a loud idiot. basically. but I had a lot of fun.

mkay moving on. man these past few weeks have been cray. it’s so weird being a senior. and almost being done. it stinks. i like feeling like the cute young chick. now i’m a freaking old lady. i’ve got like three months left. that’s crazy. and idk what comes next ya know?

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it’s a nice life rn. good vibes. a sweet time. I mean it’s a little wobbly. and I wish I didn’t keep thinking about the future so much. it’s so weird. i’m like here but not here. a freaking grown lady. but truly such a sweet spot rn. there’s so much life ahead, which is crazy. and I rlly don’t know what in the heck to do. u know, u have to choose one thing, basically, that is the most important to u. and base ur life around that. u can’t have it all apparently. u can’t.

so what should it be? running away to new mexico? getting a fancy design agency job? going to the big city? family? that’s the thing. I have this vision of everyone in my family coming together for sunday dinners when we r older. from all our funky walks of life and with our own families or whatever. we all arrive at the house on sunday nights. and I rlly think I want that more than anything.

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idk about florida tho. it seems perfect and scary at the same time. so different. so down there. and a completely separate life. its own little world. it scares me. idk why.

excited for the fall here. it’s so pretty and bittersweet and emotional. v nice. v excited. georgia, u know. it’s been ok. these past three yrs have been ok.

trust ur gut. that’s what I learned recently. or was reminded or whatever. and God. trust God as well. I do. trust him. so we’ll see what happens. I rlly should prob get to work. gosh I don’t want to. the motivation is waning. man. but I guess the beans have been spilled. some of them, at least. I could go on and on. but ok. I shall get to work. I suppose.

night

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