the long one


time for an extremely long post. mostly bc i’m procrastinating. but also bc it’s time. it’s time to spill my guts of all the things. and by that I mean vomit everything on my mind. it’s been quite a month. geez louis. sometimes u just gotta take all of the beans cooped up in ur mind and cut ur brain in half and spill the beans. I could not have worded that more accurately.

first of all, texas.


sigh. when u think about how much life you’ve actually lived, isn’t it overwhelming? I mean. geez. think about who u used to be. do u even recognize yourself? u know how when u r the oldest u r always awkwardly taller than ur siblings growing up? and so u slouch all the time. man. also, when I was in third grade I wanted glasses so badly. then I got them and I thought they were the coolest freaking thing in the world. well let me tell u. I looked like a dork nerd idiot in those things. I am not exaggerating.

and then by fifth grade I had realized it. and I wanted more than anything to have contact lenses. I thought wearing contacts would make me gorgeous or something. it’s always something. ugh. always. do other ppl struggle w that? constantly needing another thing that will finally make u arrive? after contacts it was straight teeth. after teeth it was being skinny. insert curse word here.

anyway. I didn’t mean to get on that tangent. the point is that man I can’t believe I was a child once and I’ve lived for so many years. what a life. what a life. there’s so many little chapters to it. madi used to be a tom boy. and kenzie used to be this sweet little charming cute thing. lol. the reverend says that as u grow up, sometimes u change and u get a little confused about who u r. but after a while u tend to go back to the person u were a nine yrs old. ya know, before puberty and peer pressure kicked in. I like that.

when I was nine, I was pretty shy around strangers. but at home, I was a loud idiot. basically. but I had a lot of fun.

mkay moving on. man these past few weeks have been cray. it’s so weird being a senior. and almost being done. it stinks. i like feeling like the cute young chick. now i’m a freaking old lady. i’ve got like three months left. that’s crazy. and idk what comes next ya know?

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it’s a nice life rn. good vibes. a sweet time. I mean it’s a little wobbly. and I wish I didn’t keep thinking about the future so much. it’s so weird. i’m like here but not here. a freaking grown lady. but truly such a sweet spot rn. there’s so much life ahead, which is crazy. and I rlly don’t know what in the heck to do. u know, u have to choose one thing, basically, that is the most important to u. and base ur life around that. u can’t have it all apparently. u can’t.

so what should it be? running away to new mexico? getting a fancy design agency job? going to the big city? family? that’s the thing. I have this vision of everyone in my family coming together for sunday dinners when we r older. from all our funky walks of life and with our own families or whatever. we all arrive at the house on sunday nights. and I rlly think I want that more than anything.


idk about florida tho. it seems perfect and scary at the same time. so different. so down there. and a completely separate life. its own little world. it scares me. idk why.

excited for the fall here. it’s so pretty and bittersweet and emotional. v nice. v excited. georgia, u know. it’s been ok. these past three yrs have been ok.

trust ur gut. that’s what I learned recently. or was reminded or whatever. and God. trust God as well. I do. trust him. so we’ll see what happens. I rlly should prob get to work. gosh I don’t want to. the motivation is waning. man. but I guess the beans have been spilled. some of them, at least. I could go on and on. but ok. I shall get to work. I suppose.



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