eccentric bird lady

I regret drinking coffee half an hour ago. considering that it’s now 12:15 am.

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I saw this sign recently and it made me feel many things. incredibly nostalgic. very happy. ancient. burdened. overwhelmed. hopeful. anxious. romantic. festive. lots of things. I wish I could quit everything and work at target for the holidays. maybe I will. there’s something so precious about holidays and traditions and familiar places and yada yada yada. every little moment slash experience slash job slash piece of history or culture is precious. idk. felt so many things.

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it’s a huge shame that fairy dust is harmful to the environment. there’s something obviously wrong with the human condition. fairy dust kills fish. I mean. we live in a fallen broken world. it shouldn’t be this way.

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I realllllyyyy love this sort of lemongrass green. it’s so lovely. it might be my fav color if I weren’t favorite-color debilitated after years of thinking my fav was orange bc I thought it had to be due to an event in fifth grade where I became labeled as the girl who loved orange. now i’m incapable of having a favorite color bc idk who I am + my fav color radar is broken. I could use a therapist. but only for color. i’m perfect in every other way…

a lil over a year ago I sat on a bench next to the parking garage on the phone with my mom while she told me the schedule for interviews + visits + decisions regarding florida. I remember being dramatic about the fact that the whole congregation had to vote. and I remember feeling like everything was happening quickly & slowly at the same time. and being so confident for the four people i’ve known longer than anyone. it had been a year of uncertainty for them, and now here I was on a bench, so much at peace about everything.

that’s the thing. never in my life could I have dreamed that I would one day sit on a bench at the university of georgia. I never expected to end up in georgia, how could I? u don’t get to plan ur life. and besides, ur own imagination sucks. but i’d have never guessed that one day I would study art in the middle of GA and meet a fish-loving rock climber who would become my best friend slash roommate and travel home to the beach for holidays and breaks. I mean. it’s been a pretty good life. that I never would have planned for myself.

the point is that I have this dream slash desire to move to new mexico and become an eccentric, amazing art lady with lots of birds. and parts of that dream might be worth having. but the truth is that life can take u in better ways than u could’ve imagined if u just go w it.

I was in the dominican republic once and this friend of ours was telling us about his life in a preachy sort of way. he said, dios ya ha escrito tu historia, which the translator translated as, god has already written your history. that word history struck & made me start crying behind my sunglasses.

do u get this? your history is already part of the story of the world. UGH. your legacy is already out there, in time & space somewhere. ur HISTORY has been written. I mean maybe u had to be there. but this was a powerful thought at the time.

ugh whatever fine u had to be there.

the coffee has not worn off. this is irritating.

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