I finally jumped into the pool tonight. kenzie thinks she invented that or something. before I jumped I had a moment and looked at the sky and tried to feel a sign from God or something. but all I could feel was god being like, no i’m not gonna give you a sign why are you even doing this it’s gonna be dumb and cold. so I did it. and it was so cold. I hate the cold wtf. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. it was miserable. I thought it would be this refreshing experience but it just made me angry.
i’ve just been so impulsive lately. tryna jump into anything that will keep me distracted. I almost took a job at an ice cream shop what the heck. I caused a car accident bc I was running like a crazy person. I broke into my own car. and got stuck in a tree. I broke my car. & my computer. & tried to move to guatemala. I just want to run awayyyy. but I don’t think god is going to let me move forward until I stop jumping into cold water like an idiot. ya gotta wait. it out. and not do things just to do things. but I do think I need to stay off the grid for a while. no more social media. hide & avoid anything that’s messing up my emotional sanity. move on. ya know. disappear for a bit. let go. I don’t have a choice honestly. I mean god literally hacked my instagram. gotta listen to god.