hello. it’s me. wow wordpress this new ui design is nice kudos. mkay anyway. it’s been a while since I haven’t been stressed about linking this blog publicly in my instagram profile. idk y I do that to myself. it makes my posts less vulnerable. less real ya know. less me. which actually leads into what I was going to write about. I was going to write about how sometimes, it’s good to hide. to make yourself less accessible. or noticeable to the rest of the globe. u know what I mean? we live in this culture that’s all about access and connection. being on-line means that u r always on. and we weren’t made for that kind of shit. sometimes u need to be off. to be free of the chains u accidentally put on yourself when you consider other people’s expectations or interpretations of u. I don’t want to worry about what some dude thinks of me when I put something online. but since it’s online, I inevitably will. because the whole point of putting something online is so that other people will see it. that’s the whole point. and when we are constantly looking at ourselves from other people’s perspectives, we begin to forget who we are from our own perspective. our perspective is inside, ya know. we gotta look inside. the actual intentions behind all of our actions are the actual definers of who we are. people say that your choices are what define u. but I disagree. it’s actually the intentions behind those choices that define u. being honest about those intentions can be rlly hard. because the likely truth is that u r actually a horrible self-absorbed greedy person. and most of your intentions r probably manipulative and self-serving. even the seemingly sweet ones.

so anyway my point is that we tend to forget that life happens in these temporary seasons one at a time. nothing last forever, is what I mean. and sometimes, it’s good to hide for a while. just hide out. just let go of all of your connections and appearances and digital lines. and just embrace the people and physical-ness of your immediate surroundings. hide at the beach, if that’s where u happen to find yourself. just embrace it. let go of all the things about yourself u try to control. and see who and what comes to u.

sometime u will need to stop hiding, and to reach out to ppl and seek others and rlly get out there & fight for ppl or causes or issues or whatever. but sometimes u will find yourself in the middle of a desert or beach or whatever, and u will just need to hide-slash-fast-slash-train there for forty days. or a few months or so. take that time to not panic about all the things u might be losing. and to just be open. to whatever u r being taught.

sometimes I forget that I live at the beach. and I get caught up in all the things I might be missing out on. but then sometimes I get these moments of eye opening. and I realize that I love these ppl & this life experience is amazing. and it’s all amazing. and I don’t know why I get to have life so amazing. but I do know that if I trust the waves and allow these roots to grow, this little hiding spot will become a safe haven for the other ppl that god brings into my life. and really, it would be so selfish of me to not allow that to happen. so I have to have to embrace it. and let go of all the things I want to chase after and snatch and force to work out.

^^^re-read this paragraph one more time.

so take out that cactus nose ring and let go of who you think u r, or who u want ppl to think u r. & just allow yourself to be. & be honest about your intentions. & honestly, just see what happens.

that’s all u can do. just see what happens. embrace change so much. & also embrace stationary places. follow through w your purpose. hmm. that’s good.

follow through w your purpose.

recently my rabbi was talking to me about something she did and she said “I hope I didn’t make them uncomfortable…I just felt that’s what I needed to do.” & I think that’s a beautiful statement. It’s easy to doubt yourself when u take an actual ballsy stance on something. But if u rlly feel in your soul/spirit that it’s what you need to do, then u cannot be hard on yourself. u just have to embrace your actions & move on. u did your part. & move on. so good.

^^re-read

“I just felt that’s what I needed to do.” so freeing. when it’s true.

follow through with your purpose.

recently I realized that every other time I’ve moved, i’ve pretty much completely cut ties w the ppl of my past. & this time is the first time i’ve kept in touch. & that is good. & life is about the relationships u build upon one another. & being intentional & keeping up w people & whatever. but I also think that for a bit, maybe it’s good to hide from those past lives. just avoid it for a bit. look ahead.

so that’s my latest plan. i’m gonna hide. hide out for a bit. it’s time. time to hide in the middle of this boat fort. & maybe start writing my novel. for realllllzzzz. I could to it. maybe I will. i’m readddyyyyyyyy. to get off the grid. time to get off the grid. everywhere but here.

follow through with your purpose. but also get ready to sacrifice some things. refine those intentions. refine that heart. and soul.