mkay

mkay hello.

i’ve decided that I think I really enjoy writing actually. i’m always doing it when i’m trying to procrastinate from other forms of work, know what im saying. & I’m good at it to be honest. & for some reason it’s a lot harder to share with the world than my art or design & stuff.

I think it’s because if i’m rlly being honest rn, i’m a better writer than I am a painter, or a designer at the moment. & so sharing it feels a lot more vulnerable. and words can be so direct, & blunt. & that blunt-ness is also vulnerable. & my art hasn’t gotten to that point of skill where it is that vulnerable & reflective of me yet. ya know.

& also, anyone in the world can put some letters together and say something on the internet, or even in a book, & there r already so many voices out there. it’s like how all of these idiots in quarantine have started podcasts. it rlly gets to me. it’s like how white people take over various ethnic cuisines in america. like how they took over sushi and tacos & made it an urban-white-ppl thing. ugh. mainstream sucks. but that is the consumerist, salad bowl-but also gentrifying world that we live in, & I don’t have answers to any of it. tangent. anyway, having a voice anywhere has become mainstream. and a lot of these voices r shouting. & I don’t want to be another shout-er. & I don’t want to share things not worth sharing. & who am I to share things anyway. know what I’m saying. I mean how many experiences have I rlly had. rlly.

I think it’s important also to realize, that when u need to act, or speak up, often the opportunities will find you. or they will make themselves really clear to you. like maybe, they will appear in a burning bush or something, know what i’m sayin. & usually, they will feel scary & bigger than you. & honestly, you won’t want to do it. when it feels terrifying, & u don’t want to do it, & you can’t stop thinking about it, usually that is when you actually need to speak up.

recently one of my friends said “meg knows just what to say.” & i’ve been thinking about that. & how, especially when i’m writing for myself, I do know what to say. & when i’m seeking into my soul about what I need to say, I know what to say then too. & then sometimes, when i’m freaking out or scared or insecure or terrified of messing up or worried about what ppl will think of me, I have no clue at all of what to say.

& the reason I have no clue at all of what to say when I get that way, is because I let all of these little panic freak out spazzes get in the way of those intuitional spiritual vibes that exist in my soul. & those words r actually a lot of fluff to describe the holy spirit. i’m talking about god. the lord teaches me what to say. it’s a spiritual gift. whenever I lean into that, things go much better. & the right words come out of my mouth. or onto my phone screen.

& I am so grateful for this gift. how peaceful it is to know that I do not have to worry about saying the wrong thing. about ppl not liking me. about being rejected for what I say. because when they r the right words, it will not matter. truth is truth is true.

last night my buddy & I were talking about that question ppl always ask in interviews that goes, what are three words to describe you?, and we tried to think of 3 words that actually rlly did describe us. I told my buddy that she was theatrical, clever, & gutsy; & she said that I was dreamy, wise, & stubborn. I love that. I would never tell a hire-er those things but I love it.

dreamy, wise, & stubborn. suck it ppl.