I thought things were finally going back to normal…
I’m going to stay here a long time. We’re buying a house, and it’s only a few minutes from here. We’ll start a family while I’m working here. I’m finally getting the hang of this. The days of my nervous system going haywire are behind me. It’s over. It’s over. It’s over.
The director of marketing called me into her office. I grabbed my notebook thinking she was about to go over a design request or something. When I walked into her office smiling, she had the most awkward look on her face. The VP of marketing was sitting with her.
The VP looked at me like I was in trouble. I wonder what they think I did wrong, I’m going to have to explain myself. She started talking quickly. We’re letting you go, we are making changes to the budget for the year, you’re not the only one…
She continued talking. I let out a sob involuntarily and she paused. I apologized immediately. “Don’t ever apologize,” she said, “I know this is hard.”
My thoughts raced, but the one I landed on was that here God had kept me while I was going through the worst time of my life. This was the safe place he had arranged while I went through this crap. And apparently, it was only ever meant to be brief.
I began doing my breath work, the long inhales and exhales that I had learned. My tears faded away. Then I had a thought. I have to get a word in. I need to say this. They were getting ready to send me on my way.
I imagine the angels fighting for me in the room. Protecting me from the anxiety I had been battling for four months. Here we were at the pinnacle. The Holy Spirit opened my mouth.
“I do want to say I am so grateful for the time I have had here. Even though it has been short, I believe it was for a reason. And I believe everything happens for a reason, and I have been having health issues recently and have been so grateful to be able to work here and be here while I was going through all of that. So thank you.”
I was so proud of myself for saying that.
The director let out a wail and turned her head away from me. The VP nodded like she agreed with me and said “I hope I get to work with you again someday.” I immediately thought, I surely do not want to work with you again. So I just stared at her. I think she got the message.
I stood up and walked back to my office to pack my things. My coworkers helped me load my car. They looked riddled with guilt even though they had nothing to do with it. And off I drove.
Over the next few weeks, we pulled out of our house contract, and the sellers immediatley accepted a backup cash offer. At least they had a backup, that was God’s providence. I interviewed to no avail. My anxiety ebbed and flowed (well, more like crashed and briefly receded). I felt quite lost.
A friend connected me with a local artist who runs a wedding stationary business. She needed a part time worker. I started going into Lorena’s studio a couple times each week to help with tasks like stuffing envelopes and tying ribbons. I loved it. I loved the creative atmosphere, and I learned so much from Lorena. I listened to old John Piper sermons from the nineties. I listened to a whole series he preached on the book of Job. Piper taught about suffering in a way I hadn’t heard before. It is critical, to be expected, and our response to it is everything.
I enjoyed the holiday season and got all of my Christmas shopping done in November. I helped the church build an un-necessarily huge backdrop for the advent series. Mamaw died. A few months later, Papy died. Sprinkle some panic attacks in there (but I made it through). And then, in the month of March, it all came down to two interviews. A graphic design job and an art teaching job. I got both jobs. And I chose teaching!
When I was in the pit of my mental health crisis, I remember distinctly thinking, now I’ll never be able to be an art teacher. I thought my condition was permanent and that I would never be capable of anything more than hiding in an office at Shell Point and doing easy design tasks. And I was prepared to do that for a long time. But God pulled me out of that. And for ten months He provided for Hunter and me while I healed.
When I look at my classroom today, I am overwhelmed with gratitude. God orchestrated everything. The anxiety was mostly self-inflicted, but He used it nonetheless (nothing is wasted), and I don’t think I would be ready to be a teacher had I not gone through it. The job is hard, but I’ve never felt more at peace about my job. I know I am right where he wants me to be. And I’m just so grateful to be here.
