1:38 am. raining again. for two weeks its been rainy. i don’t want to complain about it because rain is such an amazing thing when you think about it, but i miss the sunshine. and the heat. and light. it gets dark so early. so so early. and it’s so cold right now. this year i’m realizing that I’ve never worn warm enough clothes in the winter. i own zero sweaters.

i’m working on a research project about cosmopolitan magazine. studying how sex drives consumerism and graphic design makes you hate yourself and how much the role of magazines have changed over the years. been learning a lot about helen gurley brown. that woman had a freaking eating disorder. but even though she was sick in the head, the things she said still sound so…attractive. i can see how her effed up logic about sex, love, and everything was so easily accepted by people. we curse the devil but still go by its standards. we condemn it and buy it at the same time. i’m cool with being a virtuous person, as long as i get to be sexy, too. that’s what we whisper to ourselves. or maybe we never even admit it.

but true virtue requires sacrifice. and sometimes that sacrifice is nasty and contrary to popular opinion or pop culture standards. a lot of liberals and conservatives think they’re virtuous and all morally upright and whatever, when really they just want to feel good about themselves. you’ve got to sacrifice feeling good about yourself like that, if you want to really care. doing the right thing won’t get you the Nobel prize or a bunch of fans. it may well get you killed and forgotten.

i don’t own sweaters because for a long time, i’ve refused to wear them because i thought they made me look fat. i’ve been over here freezing my butt off because i was sick in the head. addiction isn’t logical. it’s not helen gurley brown’s fault that i’ve been thinking this way. it’s not Cosmo’s or the culture’s fault. it’s this damned world. literally.

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