today i found out i’m in the top 5.46% of richest people on the planet. i mean i’ve always known that i live in a wealthy country and whatnot and that my parents have a very desirable quality of life, but the fact that someone like me—young, insignificant me who has no useful skills and a student-level job and can barely afford to pay rent—I currently make more money than ~95% of the world…that was a smack in the brain.
i’m a child. i don’t deserve to be this comfortable. I don’t work hard—I make art. ART. are u kidding me. and yet if I keep up in this system and follow the track i’m on, I will end up being in the top 1% likely by the time i’m 30. making ART for crying out loud. art is so minuscule. it’s a product of self-actualization, which only comes after all of ur other basic human needs are met. it’s like icing on a cake. and icing makes you fat—it’s so unnecessary. so like…what do I do about this? I know guilt isn’t the answer, but i’ve gotta take some action about it. especially since I grew up here and did absolutely nothing to deserve it.
I think that’s why I struggle so much with being an artist. I feel like since I’ve had such a comfortable life, I need to repay God or whatever by becoming a doctor or something. an “i’ve been blessed to bless others” sort of deal. and art…I mean, art is useless! ugh. and I don’t know if i’m just feeling some worthless guilt or if this is actually conviction. I feel uneasy, like, I can’t just grow up and settle in a happy house and be comfortable and happy for the rest of my life when there’s a whole spiritual battle going on out there and Jesus said to give up everything and follow him. it’s like life isn’t supposed to be as easy as it has been for me. and, as much as I want to settle and grow old in New Mexico and sit on my front porch with my grandkids painting cacti, that also seems like such a selfish way to spend my life. and I know my life isn’t worth much. it’s one out of a trillion. but I feel like just hiding out and being safe and happy forever is…wrong.
there’s so much I just straight up don’t know. I don’t even know what I don’t know.
but. I suppose I can start. by giving up some of dat money that makes me so wealthy. stop buying extra clothes. start giving to the causes I claim to care about. that’s a pretty basic way to get my head in the right place. okay yea. that’s a good plan. it’s a very good step. ok. sounds good.
night.
mp 