i don’t mean to be all vsco but making gifs is too easy & look at that view

“Never conform…but do comply when logical.”

run towards not away.

“It’s not like you’ve got baboon disease or something. You know, life could always be worse.”

she’s right

today someone said that life is hard. and it’s true. it’s easy to get distracted and think that everything is supposed to be convenient. and it’s so great to be happy. but what about the millions of people around u who r not? what do we do

& where do u go when u have no roots.

“it’s crazy how the days of the week just keep happening.” – meg

“I have a bunch of tabs open of youtube videos I want to watch.” – darth

today on my jungle safari I stopped at a little deck overlooking the water and stood at the fence watching all the old people around me. I wanted to ask them how they had figured out what to do with the past half century of their lives. how did they get to this point? how did it all work out for them? of course standing there in front of the pretty water and thinking these things made me cry. so there I was in the middle of a park crying silently amongst a bunch of happy old people. i never cry this much what is the deal. anyway my point isn’t that i’m a melodramatic wuss even though I guess I am. the point is that sometimes u feel heartache and you can’t really escape it. no matter how much you distract yourself. or you try to cope. that physical feeling in your heart just stays there. can’t be masked really. not sober at least. even when u know that of course things will work out eventually. your head just can’t convince yourself to calm down. being in touch with how you really feel can hurt sometimes and I think that’s why we all try to cover it with the gluttony + over saturation of every single physical thing on this earth. but we should really all just ugly-cry more. let it all out. really. stop burying it w stuff and just release it. when is the last time u wept like a baby? maybe you should.

even jesus wept. and he’s more of a man than any of us so it doesn’t break any of those stereotyping man codes or whatever. just go ahead and cry. humans have the ability to weep for a reason. survival of the fittest duh.

ease of living.

happy January.

omg also. sky jewelry. that’s what the msg calls stars. sky jewelry. sigh. this world.

I look up at your macro-skies, dark and enormous,
your handmade sky-jewelry,
Moon and stars mounted in their settings.
Then I look at my micro-self and wonder,
Why do you bother with us?
Why take a second look our way?

“if you’re not amazed most of the time you’re not paying attention” 🙂

words!! okay okay okay

understanding, patient, kind, noble, prudent, trial, comply

maybe i have too much time on my hands. lol. idk. i’d rather write in my little soap box than fix up my resume, or clean up dat portfolio, or figure out my rates and whatever. we r saving the world here. one rant at a time.

yesterday my grandma said that sometimes she gets completely stressed thinking about what she’ll make for dinner. and that when she lets it go for a while and comes back to it later, usually things work out fine. ugh. my heart. this is why a diet of veggie burgers and bagged salad is totes ok. changing up your meals is just stressful and i’m over it. nothing wrong w eating the same thing every day it’s nbd geez relieves so much stress ugh.

also. what a great point, grandma. if you’re unsure about something, just stop thinking about it for a minute. or try at least. ugh. jlksdjflksd.fdfjddlfjalsd.fa. god it’s hard.

but then when you return to it, perhaps things will work out for themselves. or the answer will be more clear. just take a little nap or something and maybe after a few naps you’ll have a dream that will fix everything.

it can be extremely difficult to figure out when it’s time to stop hiding in the bushes and just be explicit about everything u have to say. there r a million people speaking already and it’s so much easier to just leave teeny tiny breadcrumbs for the ppl who care enough to search for them. but the truth is that u r fooling urself if u think any of this is discoverable. u r hiding more than u admit. that’s what I mean. and there are a million voices, certainly. millions of ppl r already shouting their thoughts into society’s void. and it’s difficult to rationalize why you should too.

labels make life a disaster. it’s so easy to mark someone as a player and explain all of their actions away as selfish and insincere. or call someone a prig and think that everything they do is judgmental and naive. but rlly in the end, everyone just doesn’t want to be alone. and some ppl can’t be trusted. and some ppl have weird habits. but keeping your distance out of fear will do nothing except make u sad later. there’s nothing wrong with being kind, rlly ever.

mkay new yrs resolves.

1. start rlly caring about other people more bc I feel like I got selfish in college. ready to grow up ya know. and get into that serve mindset.
2. get back into running gotta stay in shape
3. had a third one that was rlly good ugh I can’t remember

seadragons!!!!

we’ve been talking a lot about how we don’t “feel” christmas here bc it’s seventy degrees. but I think the truth for me is that i’ve been too self-involved lately to even consider christmas. ya know, to rlly ~feel~ anything, u have to stop being distracted and actually sit down and think about it. so maybe the reason it doesn’t feel like xmas or whatever has less to do with the cultural biases of american holiday songs and more to do w all of our distractions. if u want, pause for 3 minutes and consider how you’re alive and why christmas exists. and then carry on. to feel xmas, we gotta feel beyond ourselves. ya know, empathy. ✌️

i am no longer eating sweets, gluten, & dairy. for the rest of the yr. swear on my life.

“skinny little hermit”

^^heck yes I love it

you can rlly feel it when u r amongst ppl who truly believe in their hearts everything to do with christian spirituality. the vibes r so unique. ppl r kind even when they r annoyed. there’s just this sense of love. and non-intensity. the fights r different. they never feel like the end of the world. they all end in apologies bc that’s the only way u can ever survive a fight. truly. saying srry ends all wars. u can say literally anything u want and it doesn’t feel like u r saying it just to prove yourself. curse away but just know that ppl will prob laugh at u bc they don’t take u seriously. and u don’t have to take yourself so seriously. bc it’s going to be ok. at the end of the day the ppl around u know that everything is eternal and eventually it’s all going to be ok. I don’t know how else to explain it. ppl who rlly believe in jesus r just different. I mean sure there r a lot of fake believers out there. but the ones who rlly believe just rlly stand out. they’re peculiar. and safe. and not perfect at all trust me. but they get that, and they allow for it. and they don’t expect u to be perfect either. ppl get all out of whack when they expect things from others. the spiritual vibe—it’s just rlly nice. all i’m saying.

I am currently sitting on a balcony. a balcony attached to my room. listening to crickets. not cold at all. it’s quite nice.

it’s amazing to think that two days ago I was crying like crazy. idk. but it’s always that way. the week before u move, u go through like two days of panic and crying. and then u move on. lol. and this is amazing. rlly. it’s so warm. and sunny. palmy. really pretty.

whimsy. someone used that word recently. to describe the houses decorated for xmas here. and I was like omg. whimsy. recently during a critique someone told me to follow that whimsy down to its logical conclusion. and i’ve been repeating those words ever since. it’s all u can do. follow the whimsy until it ends and then move on to the next. I feel v resolved about this.

um. that’s all I have to say.

“if you do get lost, go back to the surface. nothing wrong with that at all”
-bw

go back to what u know. run away and get out of there. there’s nothing wrong w wanting the person who’s loved u forever to give u hug and make everything right again. just get outta the deep and dry off for a bit. reorient yourself. so u can go deeper next time. everything in life is preparing u for the next thing. sure there r times of shallowness but there r also times of deepness, ya know. occasionally u will get lost. but up is always up and that’s usually pretty clear so it’s cool just go back to the surface and feel dat relief for a bit. i’m not gonna lie and say that cold water doesn’t suck and heartache doesn’t hurt. but eventually it ends. so get in that water and go through it. and know that up is always right there. and be amazed at the fact that your body can actually handle it even when u think u can’t. the ache is awful I know. kjfdfakdljda. it was so cold today. but the minute I shut up and went under, I just kept going going going. and eventually realized how incredible everything was. rocks and fish and nothingness. enough nothingness to make a newbie panic. and I was like, this is fucking terrifying and amazing. terrifying and amazing. I love that. and eventually we came back to the surface and I was like, wow, I can’t believe I survived that. I learned so much and now i’m here and i’m a new person. and wow. here I am on the surface and that cold air is making this view amazing. where am I. I guess it was worth it. ima stick on the surface for a lil while. but i’m rlly glad that god isn’t mad when I get lost. bc eventually he’s gonna send me down there again. I hope it’s warmer next time lol.

my final ode to diving for a while gotta stop talking about it so much it’s getting weird.

it’s been a good semester

“now you’re a tabernacle”

“when it’s the right one it won’t be complicated”

-grandma ❤

chao.

quotes from thanksgiving 2019:

“I’m at my best when I’m a free bird!”

“Holidays make the world a beehive.”

“I’m getting a lava lamp.”

“I got a lava lamp.”

“Welcome to our collaborative workspace.”

“I was thinking we could have a shelf wall.”

“I’m getting everyone a Toblerone for Christmas.”

“When would you want the pool lights to flash like that???”
“Maybe when you’ve taken substances and want to heighten the effects?”

“Come join us, Madi. I’m serenading everyone from the balcony.”

“Stop whining. You have the world at your fingertips.”
“But I feel like the world is slipping from my fingertips.”

“Things of this earth aren’t competitions of God; they’re reflections of God.”

“You think 9:30 is early?”

“Easter?”

“I’m deleting our conversations and all of my social media accounts.”

“What if I put the Napoleon wig under the Santa Hat…”

“You have pretty eyes.”

“I think you’ll fit in here because Floridians are weird.”

“I’m making friendship bread.”

“Trader Joe’s.”

“Birds aren’t real.”

“I’m taking a shower. See you in 2030.”

“Should I try a cat eye?”

“I feel rootless.”

art school bathroom selfies

y is this a thing idk but it is lol and i’m not alone it’s quite common.

maybe i’m a narcissist. i think i’m also tryna take in everything i’m experiencing. document moments. and think rlly hard about them. treasure them & whatnot. soak it all up & remember things. apparently i’m a v introspective person.

ya know. it doesn’t usually hurt to wear ur heart on ur sleeve. might as well. tell the whole world u want to live in santa fe & eventually someone important will hear u.

cs lewis said we read to know we r not alone. I guess I need to read more. everyone feels alone at some point. every single body. it sucks but everyone has felt that awful sick feeling of emptiness. ugh it’s the worst. u know what im talking about? where ur heart actually feels empty. it’s so strange. but it’s this real sensation. I think ppl who experience major change have prob felt it more. it will hit u when u realize that the world is so much bigger than your daily routine. that the minute u leave your town, u r surrounded by an entirely new group of people who have no idea who u r. that’s when ur heart feels empty.

it can suck to feel things sometimes. especially ache. there’s no getting around it, tho. u gotta feel it. and then write about it. so ppl know they r not alone.

on sunday the reverend was talking about how luke wrote down his account of what happened with jesus so that his friend theo would have “certainty.” he was literally writing his personal experiences down so that others would be encouraged and feel validated enough to believe. sharing ur account of your life gives other ppl faith. so ya writing is freaking important. even in 2019. it’s the only way u can say something without getting interrupted.

um. I feel like a feather.

also. i’m going to fail this guitar test tomorrow.

I’m telling u it was even more colorful than this. soooooo colorful. so bright. beautiful sky. so many people. u had to be there.

yoooooo. growin up 😛

let me tell u the story of this project. every time I showed up to class, I had a completely different design. finally one day my prof scolded me: it’s good you’re taking feedback into account, but do you even like this version anymore? what do YOU want? you have to be able to know what you like and stick behind it. nothing that you’ve ever made has been bad—all of it works. I can tell you’re going to have a distinct design style in a few years. all of your options have been good. no, you don’t have a problem with simplifying things—you have a problem with developing things. so what do YOU want?! what does MEG want????

I wanted to weep into this lady’s arms. i’d never felt so seen in my life. so called out for my bs. it was like god was holding me by the face and asking me, what do YOU want??? who areeeeee you????? what’s your gut saying? hello?

it’s so hard to stay true to yourself when u don’t know who u are. or when you don’t know what you want, or when u have imposter syndrome. in other words, u gotta have confidence. confidence. it’s the only way u will ever figure out who you want to be, or who u want to be with, or what u even like in the first place. perhaps you’re not the world’s greatest designer, but u gotta take who u are and own it even if other ppl can’t c the potential of your design. even if other ppl vote for the other option. choose the one u like, and follow that whimsy down to its logical conclusion.

❤

what does meggggg want??!#$@@!#$

trying to not fall asleep at the airport. so hard.

mkay mkay mkay mkay. empathy. how do u get more empathy. how do u care more. & ask good questions. how do u spend 5 minutes not thinking about yourself. how do u remember to stop worrying about being amazing. we take too many personality tests these days. we’re too self aware.

mkay. 6 minutes left

one more day. one more long night and then it’s all over. what a pleasant 3.5 yrs it’s been. I mean not all pleasant but overall v pleasant. but ugh ive become such a narcissist. geez.

ugH. freedom. just round the corner. so much freedom.

life yens:
embrace dat beach life
move to desert + kick art butt
paint.
learn to surf.
run around
make rlly good friends
own a bird
save world
just like freaking chill

what’s the point in doing things u hate to make lots of money. ofc u need money to survive but why u gotta try to make so much. come with me instead. it’ll be more fun I promise.

actually I take it back. money is nice. I hope I marry a rich man. gosh that’d be so nice. I mean what would I even do with myself if my husband were rich. ew what would my purpose be. ew. i’m rlly conflicted. it would be so nice to be taken care of forever. but also like rlly annoying. gosh i’m rlly conflicted about this. what do women want. I have no idea.

can u imagine being loved by some rich guy who’s got his life together. is that even a real thing. ugh I would love to be adored like that. but geez men have such high expectations. and then they put this ideal version of u in their head. and then they get to know u and they’re disappointed. it’s so hard to keep up appearances.

keeping up any kind of appearance is rlly exhausting. I just want to eat cookies and stop caring.

time is running out. sigh.

advanced diving was today. it’s one of those moments when you’re really in the moment, but also not. ya know? like you’re in this kinda dazed state. and ur just kinda going w the flow. and then suddenly it hits u, oh my gosh. I am experiencing this moment right now. and u start to try to appreciate it. and then before you know it, it’s over. and it becomes a memory. I wish I were better at living in the moment. I wish I weren’t so in my head. I just get so dang distracted. earth to major tom.

hostile but intriguing vibes.

i’ll take it

also:

“If you do get lost, go back to the surface. Nothing wrong with that at all.”
—Dive Buddy

when u move a lot, u start to always feel slightly like an outsider wherever u go. so u learn to be observant. and u learn to look around and notice the way people arrange themselves. & u look for people on the outskirts. and u try to be open-minded. and i am grateful for this upbringing. but i think i’m forgetting these things. so it’s time to move again. rlly. i feel good about it.

i can’t imagine not shaking things up every 6 yrs and changing everything about ur life. how do other ppl do it. i guess it’s time

don’t stress about things u can’t control. worrying means u suffer twice.

the ironic corruption of innocence (the word)

let’s talk about the fact that this word is used in a derogatory sense all the time. the term innocent means not guilty. free of any wrongs. and somehow that means u lack experience? u r missing out?

there is an archetypal concept of sacrificing something innocent to make amends for another’s grievances. jews killed lambs and the french republic killed Sydney Carton.

we think of innocent people like pharisees. the pharisees weren’t innocent. they were terrible prudes and not innocent. they were snobs and rule followers and religious jerks and yada yada yada.

jesus was innocent. do u think he was naive? do u think he missed out bc he never let himself go? what. that sounds so dumb.

the innocence of christ allowed him to sacrifice himself for others.

there is something incredibly weighty about setting your own desires aside for a greater good that u can’t fully understand. I can’t explain it. but d mil said this once and it’s sort of related:

As silly as it sounds, I realized, late that night, that other people had feelings and fears and that my interactions with them actually meant something, that I could make them happy or sad in the way that I associated with them. Not only could I make them happy or sad, but I was responsible for the way I interacted with them.

I think my point is that we have turned this grand word “innocent” into a way to insult virgins. when rlly its meaning is so much more weighty and complex and spans far far far far far past that. it has rlly nothing to do with nativity, when u think about its historical sense. they r 2 separate things. “naive” is an insult, sure, I guess. but to be “innocent,” well. I guess that’s a high and distinguished honor. that truly none of us deserve.

I miss having a blog!!!

“You guys wanna hear about _______?”

“Yea, sure.”

“It’s indescribable.”

Follow that whimsy down to its logical conclusion.

when u’ve given up.

I regret drinking coffee half an hour ago. considering that it’s now 12:15 am.

I saw this sign recently and it made me feel many things. incredibly nostalgic. very happy. ancient. burdened. overwhelmed. hopeful. anxious. romantic. festive. lots of things. I wish I could quit everything and work at target for the holidays. maybe I will. there’s something so precious about holidays and traditions and familiar places and yada yada yada. every little moment slash experience slash job slash piece of history or culture is precious. idk. felt so many things.

it’s a huge shame that fairy dust is harmful to the environment. there’s something obviously wrong with the human condition. fairy dust kills fish. I mean. we live in a fallen broken world. it shouldn’t be this way.

I realllllyyyy love this sort of lemongrass green. it’s so lovely. it might be my fav color if I weren’t favorite-color debilitated after years of thinking my fav was orange bc I thought it had to be due to an event in fifth grade where I became labeled as the girl who loved orange. now i’m incapable of having a favorite color bc idk who I am + my fav color radar is broken. I could use a therapist. but only for color. i’m perfect in every other way…

a lil over a year ago I sat on a bench next to the parking garage on the phone with my mom while she told me the schedule for interviews + visits + decisions regarding florida. I remember being dramatic about the fact that the whole congregation had to vote. and I remember feeling like everything was happening quickly & slowly at the same time. and being so confident for the four people i’ve known longer than anyone. it had been a year of uncertainty for them, and now here I was on a bench, so much at peace about everything.

that’s the thing. never in my life could I have dreamed that I would one day sit on a bench at the university of georgia. I never expected to end up in georgia, how could I? u don’t get to plan ur life. and besides, ur own imagination sucks. but i’d have never guessed that one day I would study art in the middle of GA and meet a fish-loving rock climber who would become my best friend slash roommate and travel home to the beach for holidays and breaks. I mean. it’s been a pretty good life. that I never would have planned for myself.

the point is that I have this dream slash desire to move to new mexico and become an eccentric, amazing art lady with lots of birds. and parts of that dream might be worth having. but the truth is that life can take u in better ways than u could’ve imagined if u just go w it.

I was in the dominican republic once and this friend of ours was telling us about his life in a preachy sort of way. he said, dios ya ha escrito tu historia, which the translator translated as, god has already written your history. that word history struck & made me start crying behind my sunglasses.

do u get this? your history is already part of the story of the world. UGH. your legacy is already out there, in time & space somewhere. ur HISTORY has been written. I mean maybe u had to be there. but this was a powerful thought at the time.

ugh whatever fine u had to be there.

…

the coffee has not worn off. this is irritating.

I want to have a family again.

😦

thinking a lot about this lately.

yes, keep practicing, but there is no need to worry so much about your own talent.

be honest about who you are and open…to…the holy spirit

and then get out of the way

Ginger! it’s going to say ginger. bread. looonggg way to goooo. must fix the n.

excited for the week ahead. no clue why. just ready for it. hmmmm.

I wonder how the next 12 yrs of life r gonna go. where will we be in 12 yrs. hmm. i’ll be 33. that’ll be strange.

sometimes I forget that I love design ya know. school becomes a mix of fascinating & dull. sometimes I love it, and then sometimes it becomes so much that it’s too much and ur brain just shuts down and stops enjoying any of it bc it’s too much all at once. does that make sense. and then u think u hate ur major when rlly u don’t & it’s perfect. u just need more time to take it all in & rlly appreciate it. like, I feel like I don’t get to appreciate everything enough bc I don’t have time. I took this one class jr yr that I’m pretty sure was the coolest class ever. but I was so tired that I slept thru most of it. a real shame.

anyway. there r a thousand ppl telling u what to do w ur life. u must decide who u want to listen to. and u should prob listen to none of them. ppl think u r automatically being dumb if u don’t heed their warnings, but the truth is that it’s incredibly difficult to discern who to listen to out there. u just gotta live ur life and make the mistakes u r going to make. I believe that’s the way to do it.

experience is the greatest teacher. is that how it goes?

“what would u do if you weren’t afraid?”

^perhaps the best thing u can do instead of listening to all those loud ppl is to just ask urself this, every now and then.

yes

“Watch out for deer!”

thanks mom

 

…

• exit project – the whole thinggggggg
• finish making website port
• practice guitar songs for midterm***
• mail grandma thank you letter
• find some jobs…
• write up guest speaker reflection for pro prac
• brand identity exploration + whatnot for design center
• paint some cool shizzle

…

this week…

bc sometimes u need to remember everythinggggg
& see all the pieces fit together…

sunday: a climbing movie. stayed up all night paintinggggg…so much painting. so little sleep. why did I do that? anyway. a late start to the morn. some portfolio design. some climbing. some food. tryna figure out exit show proj. all the notes on the floor. eep. an irritating convo about florida ugh. an incredibly timed gilmore girls meme ur welcome yeet master. monday: a meeting w some gingerbread ppl so coooool. at buvez. pics of dt posters. an amazing salad sigh. work. michaels for exit show inspo. pics of canvases & glitter & tissue paper. phone overwhelm freak out + a biggggg break. deleted social or something. choosing a song to play on guitar ❤ tuesday: hid that blasted phone & deleted all me messages. bought a cap & gown. some bad guitar playing. more class. aligning all those portfolio pics. a nice chat outside w bekah. some sleepiness. com group & a chat about “journeys.” also learned that I should totes become a face painter at disney. bought some hair dye late at night. … still stressed about that dumb exit project. wednesday: work. putting up flyers on campus. more work. witnessing a sanuk person. deciding what to do. main library w chris <3. refreshing chats. serious exit planning…and tWO ideas glory glory hallelujah. the hardest part is just choosing an idea amiright. bc before you choose something, the whole world is at your fingertips and that’s just too too much to hold. 🙂 ugh so relieved. Zebus. a lesson on the first four chapters of Romans. free from phone glory. thursday: skipped guitar class bc I still suck. exit class. presented my idea heck yeaaaaa. fabulous. a tour of the dodd. a lovely puzzle. back to michaels to buy a half-off canvas. and a neon pink marker. guitar song practice. sounding gooooddddd. wow practice rlly does work. a discouraging slash inspiring chat from a business consultant. geez so many rules about how to have a good life chill lady. a lovelyyyyy chat w chris at sbucks. a lesson on web design. websites r essentially files. rlly cool. very pretty hair and half of a chickfila wrap. a night of people watching. friday: work. a lovely talk with my own father on the way to class. wow so good. spilled my guts. v good advice. y do I act so private about things?… a longgggggg class. a difficult text. a presentation about gingerbread. honestly it’s a long class but v good vibes. a walk home. some coffee. ivy’s fancy gig at the botans. so lovely ❤ ❤ tj maxi + menchies. tj’s at night will always be a happy concept. more ppl watching, & chatting, dancing, bonding yada yada. hard truths. some podcast recording. sat: the chillest, most cool-fall-vibey morning ever. another hard text. but freedom wow. a walk to frutta bowls for an amazing bowl. oc. some hair-dyingggg omg what have I done I laaaavvv it. a chill afternoon. teaching abby to climb. tacos & tortilla chips, which r annoyingly good. a reminder that the end is near. some menchies. some guitar. some chilling.

and now here we are. a rlly good week. feelin free & aware. : )

…

words this week…

• If you don’t tell ppl what you want no one will know who you actually are. (ivy)
• Don’t save over your process work. (spivey)
• Certainty leads to closed-mindedness. (com group)
• Well done is always better than well said. (hannah)
• People don’t understand the value of design, (career recruiter)
• You will eventually have to tell a client, “Some of this might be hard to hear.” (brit)
• Everything that everybody does makes sense to them when they do it. (pam)
• Keep pertinent visual info above the fold. (spivey)
• Fear is ten feet tall and paper thin.
• Don’t spend your money & labor on crappy food that doesn’t satisfy you. (isaiah)
• We don’t need to stress about our career like these people are telling us to because we don’t even want those things. (chris)
• Being clear & honest is hard but ultimately the right thing to do (dad)
• Pursue things u like & don’t settle. (ivy)
• It’s ok to not always know what you want. (dad)
• Only honey goes on top of the fruit. That’s just proper açaí bowl construction. (kenzie)

look for a guy who wears saunks, not chacos.

I read somewhere this week that Jesus isn’t your cheerleader. I suppose that is true. u know, u get all these other cheerleaders in ur life and it becomes a little overwhelming. all these ppl telling u how great & right u r. can’t be healthy, anyway. there’s a lot of terrible advice out there.

I guess jesus is a coach. or a teacher. those r so cliche they lose meaning though. he’s a jedi master. yes that’s less cliche.

I heard somewhere once that the holy spirit whispers so that you have to get quiet enough to hear him. I can see how that would make it hard to listen to him around so many cheerleaders. it’s nice to be liked. but also, sometimes u just need to run away. so things don’t get too loud.

i’d like to hide for a few days.

i’m so grateful for god. he gives life meaning besides seeking a fancy job and running away from your parents and whatever.

I just want to make good art. what the heck is wrong with that.

every artist was first an amateur

Ralph waldo emmerson

hello. thoughts:

• trust ur gut
• but also, u gotta cultivate ur gut and make sure you’re taking care of it. so that you can rlly hear what it’s trying to tell u
• I think that holy spirit + gut are related
• lots of really cool elements to graphic design
• men r straightforward & honest, which would b nice, if they were smarter
• u have to like urself, firstly. or at least know who u r. then u have to b ok with being alone with ur thoughts. or at least know why being alone makes u scared.
• ima get a dinosaur tattoo
• my dad thinks i’m a bad painter
• it’s completely fine to go against the flow. once again I must refer back to the matrix.
• i’m stalling rn. of course.
• what should I do for my exit show.
• if anyone reads this, would someone plz buy me some papermate markers. I love them but I have to save my money
• learning new skills takes practice practice practice. and unlike art, u can’t bs it. gotta practice.
• i’m talking about the guitar. and juggling. and climbing. fishing.
• but it’s completely possible to learn new things. ppl forget that. and they say things like, you’re an artist? that’s so cool. i’m not artistic at all. blah blah blah
• u think I was born good at this? no. I spent thousands of dollars to get this good, idiot. and i’m still learning.
• phew, srry bout that. got a lil heated there
• I mean, sure, some people have rlly good instincts. but u also gotta train urself to be in touch with those intuitions
• be mindful, keen, aware of yourself
• ya know, gotta cultivate that gut.
• all comes full circle
• trust ur gut. and cultivate it

mkay i’m done chao

hi it’s me. oh lord there’s a bug on the wall across from me. laskjfal;ksdjf;mlksd,jfskd,jfamsldk.fjsldkfjsak

anyway. there’s a scene in the secret life of walter mitty where walter is about to get on this plane with a drunk pilot, and the pilot is anxious about the approaching storm, so he goes “let me just finish my beer shoe first.”

I get stuck drinking my beer shoe a lot. metaphorically. like u know how anxiety can sometimes lead u to just kinda sit and worry and not do anything. also known as stress paralysis, maybe. like over the summer when I was packing up my apartment, it took me forever. I was so stressed about packing it that I just kept zoning out and thinking about how much I had to do while I was packing. wasted a lot of time. but I freaking couldn’t help it.

anyway i’m concerned about the future. I don’ know what to do. that’s all I have to say.

night.

3:40 am. geeeez this project is a doozy.

but ya know i’m not that discouraged. bc not many more of these await. only three months left. gosh. hard. to. believe.

mkay dance breaks over get back to work.

am i a vsco girl. oh god. scrunchies r cool ok is that such a crime.

lol idk if dinosaurs existed or not. they probably did. the point is that we have to recognize the fact that we are choosing to trust the evidence put before us. this is true for religious people. and for scientific people; they’re two sides of the same coin. there’s a quote by Robert Jastrow that goes like this:

For the scientist who has lived by his faith in the power of reason, the story ends like a bad dream. He has scaled the mountains of ignorance; he is about to conquer the highest peak; as he pulls himself over the final rock, he is greeted by a band of theologians who have been sitting there for centuries.

it’s easy to claim to be open-minded, but true open-mindedness requires accepting the difficult truth that we don’t know much about our own reality. there is only so much proof we can come up with until no one will really know for sure. I didn’t exist back in the BC’s, did you? everything we claim requires a degree of faith.

why do I believe in God? there’re some emotional reasons, but I won’t mention those. have you ever found yourself alone in your room in the dark when it suddenly hits you, oh my gosh, why am I here?! what am I???

I can’t accept the idea that all of this was an accident or coincidence. the universe is too complex, and good. it had to have been designed. perhaps the BB theory sheds light onto how the universe came to be. but it does not answer why that little singularity existed in the first place; what came before it? what caused time itself?

do you really believe that you’re the accidental result of nothing? what does that even mean?

don’t you know how amazing your body is, and how bizarre it is that you exist?

we’re not animals. we’re not. our hearts ache and we feel real things when people tell us they love us, or die and leave us. stop trying to give some flimsy evolutionary explanation to your emotions. what you feel is real and substantial and reflective of the beautiful & intricate way you were designed. your heart & your brain & all of your organs respond and mingle with your soul, in a system far more complicated than we can understand.

it can be scary to accept that there are inexplicable aspects of the universe. but our brains are tiny; we can only comprehend so much. there’s something bigger than us out there. and that acceptance will actually give you peace. I promise. I want u to feel it too.

http://megpru.buzzsprout.com/565777/1670998-episode-06-jamo

“AAAAAAAAAAH-VEHHHH MAR-IIIIIIIIIIIIIII-EEEEE AAAAAA”

http://megpru.buzzsprout.com/565777/1667047-episode-05-trevor

“I would rather live in a house that didn’t have alligators as opposed to one that did.”

 

time for an extremely long post. mostly bc i’m procrastinating. but also bc it’s time. it’s time to spill my guts of all the things. and by that I mean vomit everything on my mind. it’s been quite a month. geez louis. sometimes u just gotta take all of the beans cooped up in ur mind and cut ur brain in half and spill the beans. I could not have worded that more accurately.

first of all, texas.

sigh. when u think about how much life you’ve actually lived, isn’t it overwhelming? I mean. geez. think about who u used to be. do u even recognize yourself? u know how when u r the oldest u r always awkwardly taller than ur siblings growing up? and so u slouch all the time. man. also, when I was in third grade I wanted glasses so badly. then I got them and I thought they were the coolest freaking thing in the world. well let me tell u. I looked like a dork nerd idiot in those things. I am not exaggerating.

and then by fifth grade I had realized it. and I wanted more than anything to have contact lenses. I thought wearing contacts would make me gorgeous or something. it’s always something. ugh. always. do other ppl struggle w that? constantly needing another thing that will finally make u arrive? after contacts it was straight teeth. after teeth it was being skinny. insert curse word here.

anyway. I didn’t mean to get on that tangent. the point is that man I can’t believe I was a child once and I’ve lived for so many years. what a life. what a life. there’s so many little chapters to it. madi used to be a tom boy. and kenzie used to be this sweet little charming cute thing. lol. the reverend says that as u grow up, sometimes u change and u get a little confused about who u r. but after a while u tend to go back to the person u were a nine yrs old. ya know, before puberty and peer pressure kicked in. I like that.

when I was nine, I was pretty shy around strangers. but at home, I was a loud idiot. basically. but I had a lot of fun.

mkay moving on. man these past few weeks have been cray. it’s so weird being a senior. and almost being done. it stinks. i like feeling like the cute young chick. now i’m a freaking old lady. i’ve got like three months left. that’s crazy. and idk what comes next ya know?

it’s a nice life rn. good vibes. a sweet time. I mean it’s a little wobbly. and I wish I didn’t keep thinking about the future so much. it’s so weird. i’m like here but not here. a freaking grown lady. but truly such a sweet spot rn. there’s so much life ahead, which is crazy. and I rlly don’t know what in the heck to do. u know, u have to choose one thing, basically, that is the most important to u. and base ur life around that. u can’t have it all apparently. u can’t.

so what should it be? running away to new mexico? getting a fancy design agency job? going to the big city? family? that’s the thing. I have this vision of everyone in my family coming together for sunday dinners when we r older. from all our funky walks of life and with our own families or whatever. we all arrive at the house on sunday nights. and I rlly think I want that more than anything.

idk about florida tho. it seems perfect and scary at the same time. so different. so down there. and a completely separate life. its own little world. it scares me. idk why.

excited for the fall here. it’s so pretty and bittersweet and emotional. v nice. v excited. georgia, u know. it’s been ok. these past three yrs have been ok.

trust ur gut. that’s what I learned recently. or was reminded or whatever. and God. trust God as well. I do. trust him. so we’ll see what happens. I rlly should prob get to work. gosh I don’t want to. the motivation is waning. man. but I guess the beans have been spilled. some of them, at least. I could go on and on. but ok. I shall get to work. I suppose.

night

🙂

http://megpru.buzzsprout.com/565777/1646335-episode-04-bekah

“Never have I related to a nun more.”

 

 

“The only people that survived were Adam and Eve.”

trust your gut and be yourself. it’s all u can do.

sometimes you just need to cancel out of the blue. or withdraw from a class. or just let that original deposit slip away and don’t worry about paying the rest. sometimes u just gotta walk away.

you’ll feel so much better when you do. relief will wash over you.

I think that’s what heaven will feel like, every day. like the last day of school, when you’re finally free and it’s hard to believe that you’re really, actually free. extreme and exciting relief.

i’m having an awful time getting to sleep tonight.

ugh. why do I feel this way. emotions suck. wish I were an android.

just kidding I hate robots. they’re so scary.

college works, folks.

today I was fixing up my portfolio for job searching purposes and I literally said to myself, huh. i’m ready.

a good portfolio site has about ten of your best pieces of work. ten pieces that u r really happy with.

I actually had ten pieces I liked. more even, I got to choose. college has literally prepared me for this moment.

fjkldjfalsdkfjalkdsj!@#@#$#@$@#@$!!!!!!!! this is so exciting. i’m like, a freaking professional.

I mean I know I still have a lot to learn and whatnot, but wow look how far i’ve come.

I was like, dang, that looks good. yea I like that. they’ll think that’s nice.

i’m really grateful for my degree. it’s a really good degree. wow. what a blessing. man, there were so many moments in college when I thought, wow i’m so vain and terrible for pursuing an art degree. it’s such a frivolous thing.

but really, design is very useful. and the fact that i’ve had this training. I mean, it really has been such an amazing thing. what a fantastic foundation to grow on. i’m incredible grateful. so grateful. thank you, lord. for these opportunities. and experiences. and friends. and lessons. and changes. mkay. chao

Our job was to tend to the earth. That’s what God told Adam to do when he drove Adam out of the garden.

Oh my gosh. Humans have failed miserably. They invented this toxic, indestructible substance called plastic, and now 16,000,000,000 pounds of it enter the ocean every year. Micro-plastics plague the air, and landfills like this one in Nairobi, Kenya exist. Plastic is the weapon of a sci-fi horror movie. Instead of working the land, humans invented robots to process food for them, and they filled their food with sugar and chemicals so that everyone became addicted to it. They’re in the matrix, clearly. They throw their trash into big white bags and have no idea where it goes; they “donate” old clothes just to be rid of them; they flush their toilets with no regard for run-off or irrigation. Out of sight out of mind. No accountability for anything. No accountability.

With all of their advancements, humans have managed to destroy utopia. Natural systems are being disrupted, ecosystems falling apart. Climates are out of whack. Procreation is a mess. History is repeating itself, really. Humans chose to determine right and wrong by their own terms, and as a result they corrupted the natural order of things. It’s the same story over and over, because that is our curse. 

there’s a song by carrie underwood that goes “sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing is just a grain of sand,” and the only reason I know that is because I had to listen to it for class in eighth grade. but it’s the weirdest set of words that have just stuck with me all this time. you know, people take their jobs so seriously. like design firms for example. they work with brands to give them an identity, which these days means some sort of clever symbol and color scheme and a million ways to make people notice it. it’s all just so exhausting. putting so much pressure on yourself to make this thing that might impact people’s buying choices, but does it really even matter? people are oversaturated with brands anyway, and we are making it our job to just keep adding to the noise. and we act like it’s the most important thing in the world. I don’t know why I get so anxious about it. why i’m letting this one project get to me so much. it just feels so big and huge and overwhelming. why are my expectations for myself so high? I heard somewhere that anxiety is actually the gap between what you expect to happen and reality. anyway what I mean to say is that people put so much emphasis on these corporate things, and it’s all really quite small in the end. I understand that people want to keep their jobs, but I also think that maybe we would all benefit from just being dentists.

I have drug anxiety.

by that, I mean that I have medicinal anxiety.

what I mean is that I hate taking drugs even if they are for medicinal purposes because i’m scared they are going to make my body freak out and die.

I should also clarify that I only take drugs for medicinal purposes.

I also have big project anxiety.

this means that whenever I have a big project, I get anxious about it so I keep avoiding doing it.

i’m so scared i’m gonna mess this project up.

makes me cringe.

eep!

 

“I am aiding to the middle-aged woman almost all day.”

 

“Tea is unbiblical.”

um. where do I begin. this summer was so not what I was expecting.

started off with a diving trip that I sometimes forget even happened. it was amazing.

then four weeks of intense poster making. which was in-freaking-credible.

then two months in flor-ida. spent a lot of it working at a preschool and attending to 4 year olds. that was a doozy. I almost went crazy three times. but also, what a blessing. I learned so much. I met so many kids & ppl. ughhhhhhh. u know, sometimes u don’t know why or how u ended up in a place. I wondered those things whenever I found myself arguing with a preschooler, or driving home on a road lined with palm trees. four yrs ago I’d never predicted that i’d be spending a summer at a preschool in the bottom of florida. but that’s what made me appreciate it so much.

that’s what I love about having moved a lot. u learn that everything is temporary, aka, nothing is permanent. and that truth is freeing. makes u worry less about making a fool of yourself. if things get too crazy, you can always just run away. that’s what I tell myself anyway. just take life as it comes to you, because it happens six months at a time. < 3

I hardly worked on art & design this summer, which I felt guilty about mostly. but I think that it was actually a good thing maybe? that’s another thing. God’s plans do not equal your to-do list.

my biggest regret is that I still haven’t learned to juggle, which was actually no. 1 on the to-do list. but o well.

If my dog was as ugly as you, I’d shave its butt and tell it to walk backwards.

Ham Porter

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH so beautiful

• jelly
• eggs
• sliced bread
• goat cheese
• popcorn
• veggie burgers
• hummus
• carrots
• bagged salad
• pickled okra
• baked beats
• tea
• cinnamon
• coconut milk
• berries
• fish
• broccoli

another name for an avocado is an alligator pear. the local avos grown right here in the fl are much larger than ur typical hass avocado, and their skin is green. they taste sweeter; kinda like mostly avocado but also a little mango-ish. honestly. they have more calories but less fat, in case u were wondering. um, also the sky is often very pretty here.

currently

-so moody
-always mad for not doing better
-why such weird standards
-children r so fragile
-if u don’t love ur kid u r setting them up to be terrible
-ugh.
-u have to spend time with them
-parenting is such a selfless thing. maybe i couldn’t do it.
-but at least i acknowledge that
-always feel like i’m not doing enough
-what am i doing wrong
-y can’t i do better
-i’m sorry family for wasting away the summer
-what comes next. ugh. what’s next

my summer is going great.

today I was in charge of the 13 preschoolers in my classroom while our lead teacher took her lunch break. I had just finished making some kid apologize for something when little Joy came up and said she needed new underwear because she had just peed. awww poor sweetheart, I thought. then I looked down and realized she was still peeing.

that’s when my mind drew a sort of blank apathy, which concerns me because I’ve always hoped that my stress response would be more of a take-charge-and-fix-the-emergency kind of thing instead of a deer-in-the-headlight thing. but whatever.

at least I had enough sense to shout “DON’T MOVE!” when Joy started moving toward the bathroom. then, in what I can only describe as the strangest five seconds of my life, the two of us stared at each other while Joy continued to pee.

when it seemed over Joy followed me to the bathroom, leaving behind a trail of pee-footsteps. I said something sweet about how everyone has accidents now and then or whatever, and then I pulled off her dress and looked for her spare undies bag, which I couldn’t find. “it’s gonna be ok!” I said, “i’m going to get you some new underwear; wait right here.” I pointed to the ground and said stay like she was going to leave or something, then I left her standing naked and ran out into the chaos of our classroom, where 12 other four-year-olds had hardly noticed the path of puddles across the floor and were jumping around and screaming at each other like everything was perfectly normal.

I squealed in my most ominous voice, “I NEED EVERYONE TO GET ON THE RUG RIGHT NOW,” to little avail. some kids walked through the pee to get onto the rug; some ignored me. “ALL THE TOYS ON THIS RUG NEED TO BE PUT AWAY…HEY!…WE ARE PUTTING AWAY THE TOYS…IT IS CLEAN UP TIME…WHO IS CLEANING UP?!” I had no authority. they could smell my fear.

I kept shouting and pointing while I grabbed a stack of flimsy paper towels and laid them over the pee trail. even if I wipe this up, I thought, this place is still going to smell like pee. not a spectacular thought but insightful for me at the time. I was also going to need a hundred more of these thin paper towels to soak up all of the puddles. there was so. much. pee!

a kid started crying because so-and-so had punched him in the stomach, so I had to deal with that, which meant dragging so-and-so’s butt into a corner and doing more ominous voice talk to make him say sorry. “ONTO THE RUG!” I shouted again. between these angry rascals hurting each other, the pee-puddle hazard that stretched across our room, and the naked and afraid kid in the bathroom, I had no idea what to do first. I was going crazy! “WHOEVER CLEANS UP THE MOST TOYS…WILL BE MY NEW BEST FRIEND.” I proclaimed. that actually worked well enough.

I ran to the phone and dialed the office. “Hi someone just peed in the floor and there’s so much of it and it’s all over the place and Miss Ashley’s not here because she’s on her lunch break and—”

“Who is this?”

“It was Joy! Joy peed. Oh wait, this is Meg, sorry.” I asked the office to bring me some size six panties and said thank you so much and hung up. I went to pull some more paper towels out of the dispenser for the pee trail. when I turned around, our teacher was standing at the doorway with wide eyes and some size six panties. I did a sheepish cutsy smile thing.

“Hi, te-he-he. Joy peed a lot and just kept peeing. Does this place have a mop?”

“Oftentimes the things we are trying to hide are the most obvious to the people around us.”

-white collar

well, folks. this was exactly one yr ago. the day before I had been sitting at dunkin after work fiddling on my computer and taking a pic ft. my beautiful cactus phone case and those lovely bright pink earbuds. I miss them both. it was the friday from the week I wrote this actually. quite a week. went to jury duty and painted some fish on a wall. on that day at dunkin I was beginning to work on the graphics for theology cafe. sigh. a year ago. 

time is so weird. so weird. truthfully, so much has happened. which is great. highs and lows and memories and changes and art and whatnot. lol. but right now I don’t feel like reflecting on all that. i’m in a bad mood.

well shoot. looking at all these old photos from the beg of the yr is making me nostalgic. me and ivy, going to our first class of the yr together all excited and cheery. it was scuba class oc. having to park on the very top floor of the parking deck everyday and thinking that the view was amazing. our brief yogurt parfait obsession. re-learning to draw. lol. learning to climb. nine-hour studio days twice a week. oh my gosh that was crazy. I was such a weirdo by the last class. sitting thru gd history and being amazed slash falling asleep. sigh. my pics r so random lol.

ugh. just four more months and then school is over forever. man. the real world is going to suck. I can already taste it. is this what’s left of life? working until 5:30 and then feeling tired and glum and eating ice cream until bed? eep! I can see how it’s so easy to get into that cycle, ya know? especially when ppl and things r so spread out from each other. how do u connect with anything here?

i’ll miss it. the freedom and lack of sleep and pressure and days of making things. getting to be totally self-absorbed all the time. it’s been nice. guess it’s time to start serving others or whatever.

july starts in an hour and fifteen minutes. wonder how it’s gonna go.

well. I guess that’s all I have to say. mkay.

 

hello meg. it’s me, purple sunshine moonbeam. here’s a little to do list for u

• paint painting
• learn to juggle
• learn guitar
• workout
• take work online training thing
• fill out bg check
• learn graphic design
• update portfolio
• become less of a biyatch
• learn to pickle
• schedule dr appt
• plant things in ur pots
• learn to draw
• stop watching youtube ya big dummy
• read read read read read read read
• make kenzie think u r cool.
• keep teeth + liver clean
• stop. eating. sugaaaaaaaaa
• sleep
• pay bills
• call about wifi
• …
• …
• …
• night

• prudence
• wisdom: knowing the skill/trade/art in doing things
• wisdom and instruction -> how you go about your life -> skill in living
• the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge
• ^ahh yes makes so much sense
• a craftsman/artist is a wise man (skillful)
• ^ ❤
• prudence: good judgement or good sense: crafty
• listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching
• ^they are a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck
• the poor kids out there who’s parents don’t teach them anything. this place is messed up. it’s not fair.
• fear the Lord if u want any kind of knowledge slash wisdom <- this is why the current world sucks. ppl ain’t doing this.
• wisdom/art/skill/craft <- ❤ Bezalel was an artist/wise guy ugh love amazing this

life happens six months at a time. give yourself a week and don’t measure anything until it’s over. pay attention and listen to you gut + soul. night 🙂

1:05am 20 june 2019

feels like forever ago

been nice not being a pastor’s kid for a while. annoying how quickly all those old triggers can slap u in the face again.

I shouldn’t complain. that’s the prob actually. why have I been so blessed. why. ugh

I’ll always remember how the lord cared for my family like he did for the israelites. even when I feel five thousand feet away from him. it will always be in the back of my mind like folklore.

anyway, I miss it.

I don’t have a problem with adding filters to nature pics bc it’s not like u can capture the greatness of the actual thing anyway

a thousand shots and a thousand prints for thirty good ones

nothing makes me happier than when my sistas laugh at my jokes. literally nothing

I thinks it’s crazy how u can be like a thousand different versions of yourself w a thousand different ppl. when ya get out there in the real world, it’s so hard to recognize yourself. u know, u just become so many different things. but all it takes is 48 hrs w the ppl who know u best, and u r back to your old ways. the person you’ve always been. the no-filtered, unapologetic version. the bra-less, acne-scarred, ugly-laughing you. the you that spills velveeta cheese dip on ur shirt and doesn’t know why u r eating velveeta in the first place. the you that doesn’t count because youre not on the clock. know what I mean?

no one really knows who they r. but maybe we don’t need to think about it so much. also. social media is a lying bitch. images in general are, really. appearance is such a tricky tricky thing. truth does not come naturally to us.

ok like I guess this is social media but I mean like fb and insta and what have you. mkay. that’s all. wait no it’s not.

a man bun on a woman is just a bun. —a quote by madi kenzie and meg

ok now that’s all

tRUST your gUTTT!!!!!!!!!!! and don’t drink lukewarm chocolate. and don’t let your heart take over, because your gut is probably full. madi said my spirit animal is a worm. she also said that “where there’s insecurities there’s no space for relationships.” trust your gut. eat eternal food. living food. that will satisfy u forever. no binges or diets.

UGH I want that!!!

frankincense and myrrh. you know of them, yep. they come from the sap of Arabic trees. very fragrant especially when burnt. roman pagans used them as incense, which supposedly floated up into the sky to communicate to the gods. also common in death rituals/processes in Rome and Egypt. they were precious. expensive, sacred, difficult to acquire; had to be imported. gifted by some rich smart men to the child they thought was God, who would become the king of the world.

now you can buy it in your soap bar at TJ Maxx for $4.49 or get them as essential oils to improve your gut function or whatever. what is this place? nothing is sacred here.