nothing makes me happier than when my sistas laugh at my jokes. literally nothing

I thinks it’s crazy how u can be like a thousand different versions of yourself w a thousand different ppl. when ya get out there in the real world, it’s so hard to recognize yourself. u know, u just become so many different things. but all it takes is 48 hrs w the ppl who know u best, and u r back to your old ways. the person you’ve always been. the no-filtered, unapologetic version. the bra-less, acne-scarred, ugly-laughing you. the you that spills velveeta cheese dip on ur shirt and doesn’t know why u r eating velveeta in the first place. the you that doesn’t count because youre not on the clock. know what I mean?

no one really knows who they r. but maybe we don’t need to think about it so much. also. social media is a lying bitch. images in general are, really. appearance is such a tricky tricky thing. truth does not come naturally to us.

ok like I guess this is social media but I mean like fb and insta and what have you. mkay. that’s all. wait no it’s not.

a man bun on a woman is just a bun. —a quote by madi kenzie and meg

ok now that’s all

tRUST your gUTTT!!!!!!!!!!! and don’t drink lukewarm chocolate. and don’t let your heart take over, because your gut is probably full. madi said my spirit animal is a worm. she also said that “where there’s insecurities there’s no space for relationships.” trust your gut. eat eternal food. living food. that will satisfy u forever. no binges or diets.

UGH I want that!!!

frankincense and myrrh. you know of them, yep. they come from the sap of Arabic trees. very fragrant especially when burnt. roman pagans used them as incense, which supposedly floated up into the sky to communicate to the gods. also common in death rituals/processes in Rome and Egypt. they were precious. expensive, sacred, difficult to acquire; had to be imported. gifted by some rich smart men to the child they thought was God, who would become the king of the world.

now you can buy it in your soap bar at TJ Maxx for $4.49 or get them as essential oils to improve your gut function or whatever. what is this place? nothing is sacred here.

Luke 22:7–13 (ESV): 7 Then came the day of Unleavened Bread, on which the Passover lamb had to be sacrificed. 8 So Jesus sent Peter and John, saying, “Go and prepare the Passover for us, that we may eat it.” 9 They said to him, “Where will you have us prepare it?” 10 He said to them, “Behold, when you have entered the city, a man carrying a jar of water will meet you. Follow him into the house that he enters 11 and tell the master of the house, ‘The Teacher says to you, Where is the guest room, where I may eat the Passover with my disciples?’ 12 And he will show you a large upper room furnished; prepare it there.” 13 And they went and found it just as he had told them, and they prepared the Passover.

There’s so much in this passage to marvel at, but today, here’s my thought: if Jesus tells you to do something, then go to it and don’t worry about all the details that you feel you have to have answered. He explains in Ephesians that he’s prepared our good works in advance of us.

-steve

men r idiots.

first of all, putting ice cream in hot chocolate seems like such a great idea. it really does. but the truth is that the ice cream just melts and makes your hot chocolate cold, so really you end up with a lukewarm chocolate drink and no ice cream. it’s not great. in fact, it’s much better to stick with what you had in the first place. eat the ice cream and drink the cocoa, but don’t try to mix them. sometimes when you put two really good things together, they end up messing each other up. or cancelling each other out. or becoming something mediocre. have u ever tried to force a relationship to happen and become a lukewarm version of yourself as a result? i’m sure I have. for the longest time I dyed my hair blonde because I wanted to be a blonde person. blondes are great, obviously. but me and blonde hair just aren’t great. blonde does nothing for my face or eyes. darker hair looks better.

• anyway, these r my yens for tomorrow:
  -check the mailbox
  -turn in typography folder
  -sbucks in the morning
  -call about freelance job
  -work on video project
  -go to work
  -eat better
  -go for a run
  -make massive progress on video project
  -meditate
  -sleep
• also,
• yay friday I have no obligations or anything. ima a free woman. glory!! hmmm what should I do.
• wait I think friday I do have something to do actually. saturday is my free day. and sunday. and monday until 3:30. woop woop still a free woman.
• actually saturday I do have a little something around three
• oh my gosh both of my projects are due on monday. when am i gonna have time to work on them slash what have I been doing for the past five days.
• I am annoyed bc cacti r extremely on trend right now and I feel this rift inside of me because I can’t like trendy things but I do like cacti so whatdoido.
• is a rift like a cleft? bc that’s what it made me think of, which made me think of that song: rock of ages, cleft for me.
• cleft is like a play on words. cleft the noun like an opening for me to hide in, but also cleft the verb as in jesus the rock was split open for me
• when you throw glass against a wall it breaks and the shreds go in different directions. today someone said that’s what would happen to our friend group when we graduate. it was sad. but also kinda exciting. I mean life happens six months at a time. that’s just how it works. who knows where we’ll be in three yrs. who knows. it’s exciting.

finally opened a book and remembered why design is amazing. this stuff is gold gold gold. I can’t wait to get out of school so I can actually teach myself all this. I wish we’d been forced to read more textbooks in design school. they rlly skimped on the technical design skills here. a lot more focus on conceptual/ideation stuff. but it’s cool cuz ima read this entire book on my own this summer.

Ragged text creates a soft, irregular edge that won’t quite fill out columns. The irregularity of the rag’s shape becomes more pronounced as larger text sizes—for instance, in a headline or title. It’s OK: a well-placed element will help optically “mark” or “complete” the right edge of the column.

If a column of text is crossing over several rows, and there are paragraph breaks within it, they need not fall at a row guideline. Causing them to do so is a possibility, but it results in awkward separations within the column and an overly self-conscious quality to the layout’s typography.

^gold.

sometimes I feel like a little mouse kinda running around doing my own thing with no regard for anything else going on. just trying to eat my cheese.

I gave someone advice recently. my advice was to make the best decision u can and then embrace wherever you end up. pft that was pretty wise of me. been repeating it a lot this week. just telling it to everybody who asks me a question. it’s good tho.

make the best decision u can and then embrace wherever u end up.

Jesus has been getting ready to die all week and i’ve just been running around like an idiot playing with my hair and whatever. UGH it’s so easy to forget everything that is the point of life.

this week some dude in a cowboy hat was standing outside the student center handing out little books and he gave one to me and said really hurriedly “it’s the gospel” and I was like “okay thank you” and kept walking and I immediately regretted taking one because it’s the sort of little pamphlet u never really read and want to throw away immediately but I knew that I would feel terribly guilty if I threw away the gospel bc I mean even if it is smashed into this poorly designed little book it’s still the most important truth in the world so now I have this little book and have no clue what to do with it.

if u want to know about the gospel, I will save you the trouble of reading a little book. here is what you need to know:

there’s something inherently wrong w/ the world. have you ever thought about why ecosystems cannot maintain homeostasis all the time and errors in DNA replication occur in the first place and utopian communities do not exist and bad things are constantly happening? why do bad things happen at all? have you ever wondered this?

it’s because there is a disorder that exists in the universe, entropy, and it’s constantly increasing. evil—it’s just present all the freaking time. all up inside us, too.

are you evil? I know I am, honestly. when u sit in silence in your room at night, have you ever admitted to yourself that most of your intentions are actually selfish?

we r terrible people, and life rlly does suck.

but the truth is that God exists; how could he not? when u sit in silence, u know it’s true. and this god is completely devoid of evil; he’s all goodness. obvio our nasty asses can’t be near such a pure, eternal thing.

so what happened? this god decided to put himself into one of these messed up human bodies and join us. he entered this awful, evil world, and then he sacrificed himself so we could escape it. why did he do that? lol ask someone.

the end. I hope cowboy-hat guy would approve.

so much has happened lately. I wish I could write it all down. but I have to code something or whatever.

sometimes I get the feeling of not wanting to do something mixed up w deep and utter despair. like if I have this assignment or project I have to do but don’t want to do it, I start thinking all these awful things like I am alone on this earth or sigh everything is awful. and I mean sure when u rlly think about it, the human condition rlly is awful. there’s something inherently wrong with us. but I tend to only think about these things when i’m being selfish. anyway,

donald miller says that there is so much evidence all around us that there really is something wrong. all the stories we watch and tell, all the things we do to entertain ourselves. they’re evidence of this deep despair we all feel. it’s real, man. and we are constantly trying to distract ourselves from it. Blaise Pascal talked all the time about the role of distractions in hiding our condition from ourselves. Cameron McAllister says “the fact that we seek so many distractions proves that we are in deep despair.”

i don’t rlly have a solution for all this. i’ve just been noticing a lot of despair-ish things out there lately. not in like a moapy depressed way, just in a wow-life-is-hard-for-so-many-ppl way. I guess u could say i’m woke. pft. so woke. anyway,

been trying to reduce the distractions. the matrix is real, man. I talk about the matrix a lot on here. kinda weird. anyway,

there r so many distractions. so many. but despair sucks, so I get it. we never talk about it. we should talk about it. there’s this huge gap between real life and utopia. it’s important to consider why.

spring is a-comin, folks. heck yes. march was a good month.

-an amazing diving lesson, withdrawing from that cray online class, quitting an internship (eep), decisions decisions, posters and logos, a lil soccer, a bs-ing masterpiece, spring breakkkkkkkk, wow. home, family, sunshine, flying, quilling, traveling w dad, coffee, exploring, bonding, panera + old navy + resume w mom, beach, a fair, mom’s surgery, a street performer, “we areee in fort myers…” an amazing gas station experience, dropping a necklace in a toilet, eye doctor, friendly christians, grown up sistas, sushi wednesdayyyy @ whole foods, hommmeeeee. sigh. it’s like an entirely separate life. anyway, saying bye to GA house, tropical smoothie cafe, packaging design, letterpress freaking printing, plastic straws, the art of the book, scholotzkys, busy busy busy, weekly dinners, bonding, art art art art, “you’re so tan!” lol, makin a zine, quilling like a boss, an awkward encounter w a deer hunter, watching the Meg, late late late nights of straw monster video editing, wait what; a fancy shmancy camera, retail therapy, some quality quality time w ppl, a personal statement, rings, dancing, a renewed appreciation for trees, steve urkel, a silent trip to the grocery store, some printing frustrations, locking myself out of car and home, an encouraging talk w an uber driver: “everything happens for a reason,” shutting up and sitting in a garden, wow GA is beautiful, back to church, hmm not bad, nowhere to turn in ga, questioning everything, lots and lots and lots of music: lots of Milky Chance; many many notes on sunday, a desire to learn to garden, sad news about a pastor, running again, a weekend of freedom glory glory hallelujah; spring is sooooo close, refusal to wear pants until november, flowers a-bloomin, pollen abounding, spring glory glory, I want to spend every moment possible outside. mkay, chao.

DREAMS AND SPREADS
A Personal Statement by Meg Pruitt

When I was in first grade, I fell in love with a boy named Jigsaw Jones. Jigsaw was a book character who solved mysteries for his second grade class. Because I was in love with him, I also fell in love with the idea of being a detective like him. I walked around my house with a green hat and a magnifying glass and called myself Mystery Meg, which I am reluctant to admit, but I suppose it’s pertinent. 

For years when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would say either a pirate or a detective, but more often the latter. I loved the idea solving a good puzzle, of putting all these little, dissimilar pieces together to create something bigger, more comprehensive, and often beautiful. 

I was also very passionate about making things as a child. I crocheted, I painted, I dabbled in videography; at one point I started making rubber band necklaces and selling them to my friends. I had these round, white glasses that didn’t have any lenses, and I would put them on whenever I was making art. I called them my “art glasses” because I guess they put me in the art-making zone or something, I’m not really sure. All I know is that I looked like a dork.

In hindsight I can see how my interests in mystery-solving and art-making were in fact related; they both stemmed from my impulse to take in information, analyze it, and create something that combined everything in a beautiful and flowy way. I suppose that’s what storytelling is.

I don’t remember how I jumped from detective to graphic designer, but when I entered college, I simply knew that I had chosen the right major, and I’ve never really questioned it. Design is everything I love. It combines beauty and problem solving, research and intuition. It’s full of contradictions, just like me. And it’s so dang cool to learn.

When I discovered editorial design and the bookmaking process, I felt like I had found my little niche of happiness in the vast world of graphic design. Laying out pages is like arranging  information into tiny works of art. They’re like little puzzle pieces. Parts to a whole, greater picture. I love designing spreads; it’s a lotta lotta fun. 

In my work, I value honesty, knowledge and quirkiness. When people hold the books I design or the posters I make, I want them to hear my voice. I want them to laugh with me or be intrigued by the information I am giving them. I want them to be impacted by what they are reading or seeing, or at least pay attention to it. I know that is a lot to ask, and perhaps I haven’t earned it yet, but as I continue my practice and learn more about art and design, I hope that my work can contribute to the betterment of society in some way. 

gee thanks college. now I have this in my archives. thanks a lot. what a useful degree I have. grrrrrr. !!##$@@!!#$@##!@#!$#$$$$$

don’t want to do this dumb project at the moment. rather be sitting here staring at the wall or something. but oh well. gotta suck it up I guess. but not before I stall for a lil bit by writing this post.

on this very day last year I was thinking about art school and life and church and being uprooted and a million other things. but I was also enjoying myself quite a bit. and I still am, but now im in a different place and I think it’s really cool how much can happen in a year and how this online thing I have has kinda been a record of that. um um um what else can I stall with?

it’s come to my realization that we really don’t know what’s best for ourselves. ya know, we beg and beg for this stuff and then when we finally get it we realize we’re in over our heads. so I guess we should trust God’s timing or something.

also, this pic is freaking awesome. I was saving it for a super extra amazing post. but this will have to do bc i’m impatient. that was a good day. I got very burnt though.

i’m running out of things to say. guess that means I should go kick this project in the butt. ok. bye dad. talk to u soon.

in need of sleep + answers.

1. is my whole face rlly going to peel like this?
2. is it noticeable?
3. what am I doing?
4. are we on good terms, Lord?
5. how much per week should I be spending on groceries?
6. what are spark plug wires?
7. where did my retainer go?
8. is tony stark going to die?
9. where am I going to be in 2 yr?
10. are you tired of me, Lord?
11. why isn’t there a tropical smoothie cafe in athens?
12. what kind of flower is this?
13. do I have a favorite flower?
14. why not?
15. why don’t i know my plants?

I want to learn to garden.

I have a very strong abhorrence to road trips on account of the fact that i’ve been on so many. living 17 hrs away from extended family for 8 years + a thousand beach vacations meant lots of long long car rides. lots of motion sickness. boredom. dvd watching. arguing. and worst of all, sigh, cracker barrel. idk why but I hated that place, and we would always stop there on road trips bc it “determined a safe area.” supposedly.

but my parents loved the beach. and texas beaches are nasty. so we would always take that twenty hr drive to FL for the vacay. which is why now, it blows my mind that they can travel for thirty minutes in multiple directions any day they want and hit up the ocean. and it’s sunny like all the freaking time. and there r palm trees everywhere. like, how in the heck do they rlly live here??? and on top of that, there are many many fro yo spots in the area. dude.

what I mean to say is that I am v happy for them. and I hope they thrive. love em. thank you, Lord. I miss u. mkay. i’m done. chao.

-my last scuba class was the most incredible experience of my young life. I thought I was going to die but I didn’t

-omg seriously the minute u trust the thing and just start to breathe underwater u see a whole new world.

-WOW. it was just amazing. wow.

-anyway. need to take more pics of life. always forget

-making decisions is so hard.

-I mean so hard. and then comes the second guessing after. just a mess.

-time management is hard also

-today I was testing my pepper spray and then like an idiot I walked into the area I had just sprayed and had a coughing fit.

-breathing underwater opened my eyes to the beauty of life and has made me sappy again. man life is so dang beautiful. and so much bigger than my little problems. makes all those hard decisions feel so teeny tiny.

-I have been INSPIRED

the photo on the right was in an exhibit about the women’s march, but it was mainly about the term craftivism, which is exactly what it sounds like. crafting + activism. I think that is the weirdest made up term I have ever heard. seriously? why do museums have to label things with these ridiculous terms. if I want to sew a blanket to give to a food bank or something is some old academic guy really gonna come up to me and say, aha, you young lady* are engaging in craftivism. that would just make me mad. i’d be like, um excuse me old guy who the heck are you and why are you trying to put my actions into a box like that. shut up dude.

idk why that makes me so mad. it’s totally accurate. the women’s march was part of a movement. and all of the women who participated in it were conforming to this movement. I don’t want to call them chess pieces because that sounds mean, but that is essentially what I am calling them. is that a bad thing? no, not really. not at all. I mean of course we have to be careful and always remember what ferris bueller says about isms. but some movements are certainly worth being chess pieces for. what I mean to say is that the danger arises when we begin to label ourselves as activists. dude. don’t do that. calling yourself an activist borders on virtue signaling, self righteousness, and arrogance. the truth is that we can participate in movements all we want. but when we do, we have to recognize our tiny little selves as what we are: expendable. if you want to participate in a movement and you feel like you absolutely have to give yourself a title, don’t call yourself an activist. if you must, call yourself a disciple. that is much less sexy. i’m sorry. and in the Bible, most of the so-called disciples died horrible and painful deaths. sorry also.

but if a movement really is worth it, like the civil rights movement or the apartheid resistance movement or maybe the contemporary women’s movement, then I suppose dying for it will seem like the only thing to do.

obviously sometimes dying won’t be necessary. but sacrifice certainly will be. always. sometimes u get to sacrifice sexy stuff like that time I bought this cool new mug because it was eco friendly. but a lot of times to rlly make a difference u have to sacrifice hard things like ur coolness factor or your goat cheese addiction or the chance to have a family or your kidney or pride or sanity or man card or etcetera etcetera etcetera etcetera. to be honest with you, I am not very good at any of the things I am ranting about. but I am an idealist so I know all about what a true hero looks like. 🙂

people these days claim that everything is political. and that is true. Aristotle’s been saying that “man is a political animal” since 300 bc so nothing new there lol. but what people commonly misunderstand is just what the word “political” means. So really, when people say that everything is political, they are really just stating the obvious and nothing profound at all.

anyway,

being a woman is so freaking complicated. so is being a man, I would imagine. but being a woman, dude. it is hard. the pull between the physical and the emotional is just always tearing u apart. or me, at least. I’m not supposed to use ” you” statements apparently.

okay. that’s all.

night

*do men ever get called craftivists?  I just feel like by labeling this as a sub-category of activism, scholars have perhaps belittled the act. maybe i’m being dramatic.

ART UPDATE. lol finally. more to come. makin so many cool things this sem.

this video proj is killing me. I was supposed to have 30 sec done a week ago. i still only have 15. yikes.

but i mean really how much can i complain when one of my markers is labeled “chocolate chip dance number”

my vid is about my favorite ice cream flavor lol. hehe. this is honestly pretty cool. i just need to work on my time management skills. actually no i take it back. i’ve had a lot to do dangit!

https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-5

AHH I’VE BEEN SEEN

rlly rlly excited that i’m with georgia o’keefe. my obsession makes sense lol.

smthg just hit me.

what u hear a lot about eating disorders is that they pretty much always revolve around control. control control control control.

when u hear about recovery, u always hear about how u have to let go of control and stop restricting urself in order to b free. and that’s oc the scariest worst part of the whole thing bc there’s no way ur gonna do that. u’ve heard that it works. u’ve seen it work for other ppl. but u still just can’t trust it. there’s that voice telling u that letting go will make u fat. u just can’t let go. u can’t.

it hit me tonight. the fruits of the spirit. love joy peace patience kindness goodness gentleness faithfulness and self control. self con-freaking-trol. the thing i’ve been clinging to for six years. the thing I hate myself for not having more of. it’s just been sitting there in that verse this whole time.

i’ve heard that all the fruits build upon the others. if u have love then joy will come then peace will come yada yada. self control is the last one. it’s like the ultimate fruit. how did god know? it’s like we’ve all been struggling w the same thing for centuries.

it all starts with love. it all starts with the 1st and greatest commandment which makes sense considering it’s called that. love the lord ur god w all ur heart soul mind and strength and luv ur neighbor as urself. then eventually, the self control will come.

it really really feels like narnia right now when the snow is starting to melt and all the beavers and fauns are like spring is coming spring is coming. oh my gosh. sometimes u get so caught up in yourself that u forget that everything comes in seasons and that the seasons will always change. always always always always. the sun was out today…it was warm…people were wearing shorts. spring is A-COMIN. HALLELUJAH. aslan is on the move. ahh sigh the tears. change is just around the corner. hang in there, buddio. hope hope hope.

people have told me college is the best four years of your life, which is the most depressing statement in the world. it can’t be true. however. every single moment of life is just really important. or as corrie ten boom says, “every experience God gives us, every person he puts in our lives is the perfect preparation for the future that only he can see.” man I love that quote. and man, that is such a good book. I need to reread it for realz. anyway, I only have a year left in this place. and I gotta take it all in. even though i’m ready to be done and to sleep more and to move to santa fe or somewhere really really really warm. because I mean this really is a good time. i’ve got it so good. i’m learning so much about life and whatnot. eat pray love except less stupid. so ahem without further ado, january…

• wow so much can happen in one month it’s amazing how much goes on when you rlly stop to think about it
• watched maddie fish
• birthday
• froze butt off
• didn’t drink enough water very bad
• struggles with After Effects my goodness so hard
• step tracking thanks to Ivy
• running
• paper making. AHHH. so cool.
• cold weather hiding?
• became candle lover thanks to kenzie. who knew they could bring so much joy. and coziness UGH.
• storyboarding
• typefaces galore
• landscape architecture
• too many classes
• Family Matters
• food is confusing
• bingo night
• art party
• salt lamp
• game night
• bonfire
• dresser hunting
• a little sadness
• letter sketches
• control freaking
• art career day
• history of animation
• decisions
• new church
• cafe weekends
• logo file organizing
• cmyk, spot, rgb
• need to take more pics of ppl/events. always forget
• beating pulp
• arrested development
• bought some of those little hot hands hand-warmer packs
• enneagrams
• inadequacy
• bowling with chris
• brooklyn 99 w abby
• eager & tired & overwhelmed & lazy
• black raspberry dark chocolate chunk

so sleepy…

I still like valentines day. even though a bunch of people try to sell u things. that’s part of the nostalgia. I still like it. it’s sweet, cute. bright & innocent.

mkay. a few notes. but most importantly

hello. it’s all about perspective.

it’s so easy to get caught up in your own pool of sorrow. i’m talking about how you feel sorry for yeself. and you know you’re doing it, but ya just want to wallow in it for a bit. ya know, cuz it feels good to play the victim sometimes. but then you take one look at the list of unsponsored children at Compassion International, and you’re like, oh my gosh!!! what I mean to say is, you can’t force yourself to have compassion. and it doesn’t make you feel guilty about your own troubles; it kinda just makes you forget about them. I recently read somewhere that someone esteemed called millennials the “generation of emotional intelligence.” this could be a good thing I guess, but it’s also a result of us being too caught up in our own feelings to look outside of ourselves. and to take actual, physical action. we’re like too in touch with our emotions. and as a result, we’re selfish and depressed. sheesh.

but that’s this world, ya know. ya search for meaning in one place, and you’re completely disoriented. i’ve been reading a lot about the self care industry lately, because I realized that i’ve totally been a victim of it for the past month. you read all these blogs telling you to be mindful and have a morning routine and do all this meal prep and supplement/detox/crystal shit, and you start to think that the only way you’re gonna have a balanced and skin-glowy life is if you buy all this organic stuff and do what these chicks tell you. but it’s a freaking INDUSTRY. these things are trends. it’s a rat race. wellness is an illusion. —wow, that’s chilling. I actually got really caught up in all this stuff for a bit. and…wait for it…it hasn’t made me happy. it’s just put a big ole hole in my wallet. stupid goat cheese. i’m just kidding I actually rlly like goat cheese. but it is a lil pricey.

mkay also. sometimes I forget that I have a soul. like, last night I was reading the Bible for the first time in a bit, and the word soul came up, and I was like, oh yea, that. what is it again? and I like have one of those? like, which part of me is my soul? really crazy stuff.

Praise the LORD, my soul. Psalm 104:1a

^see? it’s like this guy is talking to his soul. like, hey, Soul: praise the LORD. like it’s a command/direct address. idk. just thinking about it. maybe I should talk to my soul more. or at least acknowledge it, lol. that’s a good start.

ready for routine again. and a fresh year. I hope I do better.

I feel like I got dumber somehow this year. like, I dunno what happened. started strong and then slipped and just kept going and goin and goin. down. like, I really don’t know what to expect. I hope I don’t ruin my life. I hope I grow and get better and figure things out. at this time in a year i’ll be done with school. that is cray.

hello. when u move a lot, u start to always feel slightly like an outsider wherever u go. so u learn to be observant. and u learn to look around and notice the way people arrange themselves. and u look for people on the outskirts. and u try to be open-minded. and it’s great, because u tend to get along with different people really well. and i’m grateful for this upbringing. because knowing what it’s like to be an outsider changes the way u go about your day. my boss once told me that the minute u have a problem, you become an outsider. I think that’s very true. whenever ppl have issues, they don’t go to the cool people; they go to the nice people. all of us non-locals r willing to help. because we get it. and by non-local I mean like in a spiritual/wordly sense. not just like a physical moving-to-fl sense. ummmmm. writing this down bc I was talking about these things the other day and kenzie was like, hmm that is so relatable. so I thought it might be worth holding onto. anyway xmas eve is in 5 minutes. soooo exciting. chao.

it’s wild how much you can change in two months. geez.

I commend my mother. she’s been working so hard to pack the house. the reverend’s been away for 4 days. and when he gets back, it’ll be all bundled up. he’ll just have to lift things into the truck. and take a buttload of boxes to goodwill. and spackle up the holes in the walls. I mean those are hard jobs too. I guess. seriously it’s weird. men and women. their roles and whatnot. I mean that’s gotta be hard to figure out.

when I consider my future life, I just think about my job and maybe new mexico even though there’s the whole cold-at-night-in-the-desert thing that I have to figure out. I never think about kids or a family or whatever. but the other day I was watching a sitcom about this family. a dad, mom, 3 kids, the sister + her baby, and the grandma. and they all came together at dinnertime to sit and eat and tease each other. and I was like, hmm. I want that. so many sitcoms are about these big, crazy families, and we watch them because we wish our own lives were like that. we’ve chosen our jobs instead, so we just live vicariously through these shows. and that is like so dumb. crazy dumb. ridiculous. why do we do this to ourselves

wow. just finished a book proj. that was my final proj. omg i’m done. i’m done for the semester. glory!!!!

still lovin layout design. ugh so much fun. :)))))))))

bc yen sounds cooler than goal…

• take more pics
• give more
• eat more organic stuff
• plan life
• enjoy college
• grow out hair
• be nicer
• more eye contact
• become tea connoisseur
• read more
• flawless skin
• time management
• sleep
• paint
• bird watching
• seek out ppl
• get certified
• 2 more earrings
• parasail
• go to santa fe
• learn about plants
• illustration
• find passion other than art
• more cinnamon
• call grandma more
• omg this is my last year
• omg where will I be this time next yr
• ❤
• get runner’s calves back
• run more!

this list still in prog

I think it’s time to pause and to think about what the heck life is about anyway. because you can’t just go through this thing and never meditate. what are you doing? you have to stop and think about your life. you have to. you need to. you can’t go your whole life distracting yourself forever.

sometimes ppl don’t want to think about these sorts of things bc they think it’s scary. I get it. I really do. I myself have an intense fear of aliens. they freak me out because they are beyond this world, they are supernatural, and they make me sooooo uncomfortable. ew.

so I totally get what it’s like to be afraid of thinking really hard about something that is beyond the physical and local world. it can be terrifying bc honestly we don’t understand it. and it means that we are very small and insignificant, and that we really have no grasp of reality. I mean the matrix was a freaky movie. really. but I personally believe that it was better for Neo to realize that he was in the matrix than to go on his whole life being ignorant and connected to that awful wire thing in his throat or whatever. I mean that SUCKS.

the truth is that it is true God is scary. he’s terrifying. can you imagine if an angel showed up in your bedroom one night and just stood there glowing right in front of you? I think about that sometimes when i’m trying to get to sleep. what if an angel appeared in here right now? how freaky would that be? I go into panic mode when the refrigerator makes a weird noise. can you imagine the adrenaline you’d feel if you were actually experiencing something legitimately scary? I mean whenever an angel shows up in the bible, the first thing it usually says is to not be afraid. so heck ya—God is scary. angels are scary. aliens are horrifying. anything supernatural is scary. but, you can’t just go on pretending it’s not out there. the elephant in the room is that somehow you exist right now, and that is an extremely strange phenomenon. it’s time to look that elephant in the face and ask it why it’s there.

my desktop wallpaper right now says “fear is 10 ft tall and paper thin.” I love that.

so do what the angel says. get over your fears and ask yourself why you are conscious right now. and think about the fact that you are going to die someday, and what one earth that means. and consider eternity, and the idea of living forever and ever and ever, which is a very terrifyingly long time. meditate. realize how tiny you are. figure out what you believe. goodnight.

today when I was driving back to school from home, I realized it would be my last time doing this ever. and then I was driving through lawrenceville through the part with the pollo tropical and the starbucks, and I was like, hmm i’ve been here so many times. I went to that starbucks once and got a tall blonde iced foam cappuccino. and i’ve always wanted to go to that specific pollo tropical, but i’ve never really been in the area when I needed to eat. and I was like, hmm, you know, lawrenceville isn’t that bad. it’s a nice, sweet place. and then I realized that no I will not miss it, but I will remember it fondly. so there u have it. anyway this is the most amazing ice cream on the planet and I took a pic of it this week to show ppl when they ask me what kind of dessert I want. ya always have to be prepared for these kinds of things. however i won’t b telling anyone bout this for a long while. bc I am done with sweets right now. curse sweets. sweets r the devil.

these r some expensive af color pencils. they’re rlly great

the older you get, the more you realize that you suck. but not in a feel-sorry-for-yourself kind of way—in an actual, “oh-my-gosh-i’m-not-as-awesome-as-I-thought-I-was” way. like, you realize that you, too, do all of the annoying things you’ve hated about adults for your entire life. u lose your temper over the dumbest stuff. you look like an ass, often. you just sin all the freaking time. you’re a total dirtbag. I mean I am, at least. I can’t talk for you. but maybe u feel the same way. but I’m not calling u a dirtbag. anyway, self-realization, I guess that’s what it’s called. and I guess it’s a great thing, because yea as you grow up, you learn all this cool stuff about yourself. but you’re also put in more complicated situations, and u find out how u react & handle things. and sometimes ur coping mechanisms just suck. and it’s truly great that u learn these things. because it humbles u. when u realize how flawed u are, you become a less judgmental person. at least I’m working on it. and u also learn the stuff u need to work on. because sure you might be flawed, but u can change. my biggest issue is that I am like sooooooooooo judgy. okay it’s prob not my biggest issue, but it’s the one i’m working on right now. for a long time I was like super judgmental towards white people. it was this weird reverse-racist thing. i’ve come a long way. and it all started with self-realization, when someone pointed out to me that I was being judgmental.

anyway, the point is that when u realize how much u suck yourself, u start to give more grace to other people. so delight in your weaknesses, because they remind u of how unattainable your own salvation is by yourself. it’s just a whole cycle thing.

ahhh layouts. they’re amazing. I lav them. here are a few spreads from a recent project. I love layout design. how do u get paid to do this??

1:38 am. raining again. for two weeks its been rainy. i don’t want to complain about it because rain is such an amazing thing when you think about it, but i miss the sunshine. and the heat. and light. it gets dark so early. so so early. and it’s so cold right now. this year i’m realizing that I’ve never worn warm enough clothes in the winter. i own zero sweaters.

i’m working on a research project about cosmopolitan magazine. studying how sex drives consumerism and graphic design makes you hate yourself and how much the role of magazines have changed over the years. been learning a lot about helen gurley brown. that woman had a freaking eating disorder. but even though she was sick in the head, the things she said still sound so…attractive. i can see how her effed up logic about sex, love, and everything was so easily accepted by people. we curse the devil but still go by its standards. we condemn it and buy it at the same time. i’m cool with being a virtuous person, as long as i get to be sexy, too. that’s what we whisper to ourselves. or maybe we never even admit it.

but true virtue requires sacrifice. and sometimes that sacrifice is nasty and contrary to popular opinion or pop culture standards. a lot of liberals and conservatives think they’re virtuous and all morally upright and whatever, when really they just want to feel good about themselves. you’ve got to sacrifice feeling good about yourself like that, if you want to really care. doing the right thing won’t get you the Nobel prize or a bunch of fans. it may well get you killed and forgotten.

i don’t own sweaters because for a long time, i’ve refused to wear them because i thought they made me look fat. i’ve been over here freezing my butt off because i was sick in the head. addiction isn’t logical. it’s not helen gurley brown’s fault that i’ve been thinking this way. it’s not Cosmo’s or the culture’s fault. it’s this damned world. literally.

have u ever been depressed? or heartbroken? it sucks. really. the ache humans feel when bad things happen is just horrible. so imagine feeling like this guy:

“My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.”

damn.

sometimes I say things like that, actually. life is so emotionally taxing i’m dying. sigh. but, pft, I never mean it. I haven’t actually experienced a whole lotta heartache. I mean i feel sorry for myself often, but i’m an idiot. most of my emotional issues of late are about me not being able to have something I want. and I turn it into this big emotional journey and talk about longing and ache like i’m some sort of chick from eat, pray, love.

Christ said those words. right before he went into gethsemane and collapsed in anguish. can you imagine? the Lord in a fetal position. shaking. sweating blood. dying literally.

when people talk about Jesus being the lamb, I think of some peaceful, meek animal that…soothes you, somehow? but lambs were slaughtered. they were freaking killed, and their blood was rubbed all over doors and everything. or something like that. anyway—not soothing at all. terrifying.

thinking bout this cuz i’m prepping for my next drawing assignment. the theme is blood, sweat, and/or tears. I want to do something about Jesus sweating blood in gethsemane. in class we’ve been learning to draw with empathy—to think about the emotions being portrayed in an image. so i’ve been thinking a lot about the how Jesus felt that night. and wow. that’s all I can really say—wow. and thanks, and sorry.

the apostles were crazy about God because they understood what had literally happened that night and three days later. when they realized what had literally happened, they didn’t mind being expendable and doing crazy things to tell people about it. knowing the truth sets you free to look like a weirdo and also to risk your life. I hope that someday I can fully grasp what happened that night, and that I change because of it. 🙂

night.

it’s been hard to write on here lately. posting feels too vulnerable all of the sudden. like who am I to share this stuff with the world. UGH. whatever. i’m overthinking this. I think part of it is bc I have a job now and I get freaked out that someone professional will see this and think i’m a child. growing up is hard. always having to worry about your reputation and whatnot. exhausting. anyway, here’s where i’m at.

•  ever since fort myers i’ve been acting like a mummy. being lazy and eating junk food. it’s gross. I gotta get outta this. it’s because i’ve been sick, but still. now I just feel fat and nasty. bleh. ewww. wish me luck; i’m going to change my life tomorrow.

•  I went on a scuba diving trip last week. please don’t ask me about it.

•  i’m graduating a semester earlier than predicted. which means I only have a year left.

•  been questioning my desire to move to new mexico lately. apparently it gets colder there than you would expect in a desert.

•  yesterday chris and I realized we only have 3 weeks of classes left. it goes so fast. but I am a-ready.

•  my family is moving to florida. so that’s pretty cool. much warmer there. it’s nice.

•  i’ll be here. in georgia. good ole georgia. and then new mexico? hmph.

•  I stayed up until 3 am the other night watching a netflix xmas movie. see what I mean about being a mummy? I don’t even know who I am anymore.

•  this sem has been good, but I didn’t sleep much. not because I often watch xmas movies. mostly bc of school.

•  I can see what paul meant now about delighting in his weaknesses and rejoicing when times are hard. you don’t realize it at the time, but those times really are a blessing. you grow so much. you rely on God so much more.

•  been getting back into painting. the other day someone asked me what I liked to paint, and I was like, “I like to paint people. Girls, mostly.” They looked at me so strangely. I told this person that I liked to paint girls. sounded pretty creepy.

•  the Pioneer Woman is on hulu, so hallelujah for that.

•  I try to be very open minded. very. but I hate football.

•  I haven’t been taking enough pictures of my art lately. or the process. but I promise i’ve still been making art in art school

•  I met with a career advisor last week. she suggested that I don’t give up on graphic design just yet.

•  please don’t ask me who I voted for.

•  I don’t know who I am!!!! help!!!!!

•  halloween was nice

•  the other night I was in the art school, and I saw my reflection in a window. and I just stood there and stared at myself and thought about how amazing it was that I was spending my night in the art school working late on a project and how someday I will look back on this time and think about how precious it was. little ole me. late nights in the studio. you only do this sort of thing once in your life. being a student is so precious. someday I’m going to have to stop being a student, or at least not have the luxury of being titled a student. and then my role in the world is going to change, and i’m going to have to give back, to teach what I was taught, to serve the world in some way. that’s what working is. serving the world. every stage in this cycle of life is important. I just hate the transitions. the memories are good. but change is always bittersweet.

•  holiday season is upon us. woop woop.

•  been rock climbing a lot lately.

•  I haven’t finished a single book this semester. I am sad about this.

•  I want to make sure i’m giving back. taking care of others. thinking about people. loving people. caring. sometimes I get too caught up in the day to day.

yeap. that’s pretty much what’s been going on. minus a few embarrassing details. slash things I forgot to mention. slash miscellaneous.

heyooooooooo. um. I lost my voice this weekend. really weird. I never do that kind of stuff. and I never get sick. but I woke up this morn and felt terrible. strange.

but I didn’t even really mind. I mean I was a lil upset at first and then I just got over it. I had to skip an important class, or I had thought it was important, but after a while I just felt like ok-well-God-clearly-wants-me-to-lay-low-today-so-whatever-I-guess-that’s-just-what-i’m-going-to-have-to-do. I’m going to stop asking questions and do what I gotta do. I’m not going to fight it. And I don’t mind if I never know why. I really don’t.

I mean, I kinda minded. And then I decided that I didn’t. Because I remembered literally everything that the Lord has done lately. And suddenly my little life felt very small. Not in a demeaning way but in an oh-how-silly-of-me-for-even-worrying-about-this way.

um. it’s been a large week. First of all…I updated my mac to mojave and changed my accent color to pink, and it has been revolutionary to me. what a change, apple! bravo!

secondly, I watched a documentary about food waste on thursday, and it was very good. there are so many parts of plants that are edible that we just don’t eat—and this actually accounts for a significant amount of food waste in the world, which is cray. also, apparently beer is made from bread. and in south korea, some neighborhoods have automated food bins that talk and charge you based on how much food you waste each month. wowza.

ate a lot this weekend. oh my gosh! florida has many many food options.

ending with this: Whoever believes in the Son of God has the testimony in himself. Whoever does not believe God has made him a liar, because he has not believed in the testimony that God has borne concerning his Son. This is he who came by water and blood—Jesus Christ; not by the water only but by the water and the blood. And the Spirit is the one who testifies, because the Spirit is the truth. For there are three that testify: the Spirit and the water and the blood; and these three agree. (1 John 5:6-8)

water and blood? what in the world? must look into this.

my design classes are all about trying to be more clever than everybody else. i’m tired of being judged for this. over it. always trying to balance showing off with foundational skills with creativity. it’s just pretentious. all these famous designers. we talk about them so pretentiously. the whole world of “design” whatever that means. just a bunch of people who think they’re gods because they got to be in charge of something.

don’t leave a place for the sake of running away. leave because you need to, or you’re supposed to, or it’s time or whatever. don’t run away from something familiar just to prove yourself. it takes just as much courage to stay when you’re supposed to stay, as it does to leave when you need to leave.

Corrie Ten Boom would agree.

i once taught a sunday school lesson about this. paul and lydia. we talked about how some people go away, like paul, and some people stay, like lydia. away or stay, they’re both okay. cute right?

just because you’re staying for now, doesn’t mean your time won’t come to leave eventually. but leaving prematurely just reveals how prideful and unfaithful you are. ya gotta trust the process. trust the timing. and listen. listen really well. do it.

a note for meg in the future. hi meg sup.

“It has bothered me all my life that I do not paint like everybody else.”

Henri Matisse said that. and when I read it on friday I was like, oh my gosh I can’t believe he felt this way. he’s like my favorite artist, one of the greatest of all time, and of course his work is unique, but he actually felt insecure about that. inadequate.

i’m not gonna say I can relate to henri matisse because I mean i’m not that great. but this quote encourages me.

today I went on a journey. for a project. I ended up at fab’rik.

it’s been a very experiential art kind of day, actually. that’s all i’ll say for now 🙂

thoughts right now: I am a narcissist, and most of us are, but that’s not a great thing. I don’t want to be a narcissist. I also feel like my days are always very busy doing one thing after another, and to some degree, I don’t like that, but also, isn’t that all life is? just keeping busy, occupying yourself, until you die? is that all we’re doing here? fiddling around until it’s over? hmmm. I do think that meditation is important, actually. taking time to pause and think and pray and read and analyze where you’re spirit is in the moment. But during the day, when you’re running around, doing one thing after another, it’s easy to lose the point. it’s easy to get so caught up in yourself. I feel like that’s where i’m at right now.

also. the week flew by. my goodness.

xmas is here, obvio.

fun fact: another name for an avocado is an alligator pear. I learned a hella lot about the avocado industry this week. just for fun. and let me tell you, it is WILD.

back to xmas. holiday season is comin round. I guess it starts with halloween. aye yai yai, seasons. summer was so light-hearted and goofy and ephemeral. but fall, good grief. fall. it’s so emOTIONAL. Just so much change and reminders of change. Drives u crazy. everything feels so heavy with fall. makes u want to latch on to something, someone, anyone, just to feel grounded.

but that’s what trust is, ofc. it’s keeping your own self grounded even when the weather’s getting colder, and the emotions are getting heavier, and the isolation kicks in. it’s easy to talk about trusting God in the summer. much harder to actually do it when you’re cold and alone, and he isn’t talking to you anymore. but that’s when the shizzle gets real and the testing and strengthening starts to happen. you can’t get stronger if the shizzle isn’t real.

❤

libraries are gold mines. and so so so so silent. sigh.

wow! made a book. and a gif. what a week. 🙂 Updating portfolio

I stepped outside and the day was already over. Where did it go?

this blog is just one big form of procrastination. but whatever.

i’m realizing that I have a long way to go. in life. lots of growing up to do. lots of confidence to be gained. i’m not ready. I still don’t know anything about who I am. heck, I’m not even sure if my favorite color is actually orange. i’ve been saying it’s orange since fifth grade, because I said one thing and then everyone in fifth grade thought I was obsessed with the color orange, so I just went a long with it. and I haven’t changed it since, because I felt tied to the color orange. chained to it even.

I really don’t know if I even like it. I think I actually might like turquoise. but then again maybe I don’t; maybe I just like the fact that it’s associated with the southwest.

I don’t even know if i’m funny or not. sometimes I wonder if i’m actually much more outgoing than I think I am. and that being quiet doesn’t actually come from my personality. I just don’t know.

the point is i’m not ready. i’m content to wait. in fact, I would prefer to, at this point. so I can figure out who I am. and become a better person. a stronger and more faithful and empathetic person. and I need to do that on my own.

suddenly feeling this burst of positive energy. hakuna matata, folks. peace out.

last monday I was feeling a lil down about my…um, personality? face? love life? significance? then the Lord dropped these words from D Miller:

“I don’t know why it is exactly, but the people with the healthiest self esteem are also the greatest at intimacy. I’m not talking about arrogant people. I’m talking about people who know they are both good and bad and believe at the deepest level that they are really good for people.”

Good for people. I am good for people. and so are you (duh). but how easy it is to forget this. you as a person. you’re pleasant and cool and you’re not at all a burden to talk to. so stahp it. stop avoiding ppl because you think you’re wasting their time. you stupid people-pleaser. stop it. people-pleasing isn’t about being kind, it’s about being scared of people. sorry to be so harsh, but you sir, you needed to hear it. Or mam. I still can’t figure out who reads this blog. but I know ppl do read it. ok i’m guessing it’s kenzie and tyler but really who knows. a girl can dream. I’m hoping Donald Miller falls upon my blog someday and offers me free copies of all of his books. ~that~ would be a dream.

so yes, Donald Miller, I’m talking to you: stop being a people-pleaser, if you are, and plz message me at the link in my portfolio website and I can send you my mailing address. thanks so much.

peace

ok one more thing real quick bc it’s irking me rn:
it turns out personality trumps skinny-ness. what the heck. who knew. I freaking didn’t know this. UGH.

I searched “funny” in the free wordpress photo library, and this showed up.

i’m trying to lighten things up around here. this blog is getting a lil melodramatic. geez. but, ya know, it has been an emotional week.

words right now: flip flops, fomo, beauty, future, fear, clothes, insecurity, avoidance, driving, money, football, bookmaking, perfectionism, waiting, hands, belonging, love, contentment, appendicitis, sleep, confusion, absence, ignorance, ungratefulness, eep, aye yai yai

^amen.

2 words this year: Leave and Reset. UGH God is so good and hindsight is such a blessing. I feel like I need to tell people about this.

I don’t even remember how I came to posses Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller. I think I stole it from my dad’s office when I was home from school one weekend, which is so weird, because the cover is really hideous (no offense D-Mil) and I have no clue why it would’ve stood out to me. But somehow I ended up with a copy, and on one particular night in my dorm, I opened it up and started to read it.

I made it through the prologue.

I want to repeat one word for you:
Leave.

Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn’t it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don’t worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed.

UGH. I DIED. I didn’t understand why at the time, but the prologue hit my soul. And that one word: Leave. —I loved it. It was so beautiful. It felt like God was speaking to me. So I jotted down half the prologue verbatim into my journal, because that’s how I roll.

A month or so later, my dad called and announced that he was leaving the Bridge, and I wasn’t surprised at all, even though he had hardly talked about it, and I knew, I just knew, that it was right. That he was meant to Leave.

Then another month later, he actually did leave. And it was much harder than I thought it would be. I was angry and bitter and jealous and grieved. I felt abandoned by this thing that I had poured my soul into for five years—that we had worked so hard to make better. And I didn’t understand what it had all been for.

I was driving back to school from Christmas break, wrestling with all this stuff, and I started playing a podcast of Pete Briscoe’s latest sermon. He was starting a new series, titled Reset.

Reset takes you back to the default factory stuff that is in there. It takes you all the way back to the beginning. It basically erases everything and makes you start over. It’s nice because you’re starting over and everything’s clean, but, wow, all the stuff you’ve been working on has kind of disappeared as well…

I’m convinced that the church needs a reset because I think we’ve got some viruses we need to eradicate, and we need to be restored to our essential functionality.

WOW. My heart ached. Okay. There’s so much wrong with this church culture we’re in right now—and I’ve been consumed by it for so long. Fine, okay Lord, this is a Reset time. I see that. Okay.

And this seriously has been a major reset period. Major. Wow. Seeing so much clearer now. Less angry. Less prejudice towards megachurches. Less judgy. Less worried about it. Truly. And the Lord knew how long it would take, too. To get over things. To go through all the stages. To finally let go—all of us. I asked God to hurry up so many times. Pft. Never again. He knew.

Reset, Leave. These words have defined the year. And they were so clearly from the Lord. I don’t always keep my ears open enough to understand fully what God is saying. But this was so clear. I’m blown away that he spoke to me. I know he’s always speaking to us, but still, what a blessing. Thank you, Lord. I’m sorry for being so whiny. And I kinda hope this season is almost over, but I am so grateful for this year. I’ve never experienced you like this before. How little did I know a year ago, when I sat in my lofted bed and started Deserts. Six years, one year…I have a new perception of time. Please don’t let me forget it.

daMN. Six years ago my family moved to Georgia. I was going to write some long eloquent post about our time here, but the inspo is not coming. It’s still too confusing. Here’s all i’ve got:

Consistency is rare in life and that is why I love the fact that the days of the week repeat themselves and so do seasons and holidays. Because they give us some sort of cyclical familiarity and remind us of our sanity and of our past. Fall makes me sad because it reminds me of my childhood, and I had a good childhood, but it’s still bittersweet and overwhelming to suddenly remember an entire lifetime.

We carved pumpkins every halloween. Everywhere we’ve ever lived, we carved pumpkins. thank you Lord for traditions. God is steadfast like traditions.

“People underestimate the benefit of good old manual labor. There’s freedom in it. Some of the happiest people in the world go home smelling to high heaven at the end of the day.”
–Bruce Almighty

^that is so true. what are we doing here? what are we doing?

something’s missing…

< / 3

hi. a person can have everything they thought they needed in order to be happy, and yet still feel like something is missing. I never realized how true this was. but it is. very true.

everything can seem all good and well and perfect. every little thing on your list crossed off. you can have the passion and the friends and the job and the home. and the cool art supplies and all the books. and just everything can be completely perfect. no reason to complain. walking on sunshine, yada yada. however,

if you’re not sleeping enough, you won’t be able to enjoy any of it.

if you say yes to everything, even if they’re all good things, you’ll be too tired to be happy about any of it. every single thing you do will make you feel insecure and inadequate and just miserable. this is what I have learned.

when we’re tired, we just don’t function right. and it makes us think that we suck more than we do. and it causes all of this anxiety. Our anxiety level, ahem, is directly proportional to “the distance between our ideal for our lives and the reality for our lives.” I heard that in a video and I like it very much.

“Never half-ass two things. Whole ass one thing.”

That’s really great.

what I’ve learned is that I cannot tell God what I need. because I am am so freaking wrong about what I need. I started this august with a list of things I wanted in order to have a worry-free semester. wifi and a job were the main ones lol. but I have still worried my butt off this sem. :O

you just can’t go telling God what he has to do for you. ya gotta trust him to give you exactly what you actually need, and thank him for it.  i’m so grateful that I’m learning this lesson now. I hope I don’t get old and rich someday and forget it.

love, meg

bored right now. this project is hard. need to take a break.

this is taking me way too long. sometimes design is like that. you just keep playing with things, but everything you make just doesn’t feel right. it’s times like these when panicking makes a lot of sense to me. what the heck are u supposed to do with yourself when your are literally incapable of making what is being asked of you? ya know what I mean? like, design is risky business. there’s always that chance you just won’t be able to pull it off.

if people knew what I went through to design something for them, they wouldn’t think I was impressive at all. they’d be like, Did we seriously pay you to spend eight hours rearranging things on the first page???

…

I have just been informed that I misspelled factories.

UGH.

the person in this photo is one of my v best friends in the world. his name is Mr. Apple.

what was the coolest thing that happened this week? hmm let me think.

i’m thinking i’m thinking i’m thinking.

hmm. I mean really it was all good. no complaints here. I don’t want to forget any of it, ya know? I feel like it’s all going to go by so fast. and one day i’m going to look in the mirror and be like, oh wow; I have grey hair and wrinkles and no teeth; i’m almost dead and it all went by so fast.

I hope i don’t have a lot of regrets. sure i’ll have some. but I don’t want to regret a lot of big things. I mean who does, really. i don’t want to regret not learning more, not taking chances, not getting to know people. not talking more about faith and stuff. i’m so bad about that.

not making more art. not helping more people. not having some sort of legacy. i just don’t want to waste it, ya know? my time here. i want to never be afraid of anything. i want to remember the point. and I want to chillax and stop worrying about what ppl think. that’s my thing. I want affirmation and approval and all that, and I want it over and over and over. it’s just rlly taxing and prohibiting. I think a lot of ppl struggle with it. but I want to overcome it before I become a dead old lady.

one more thing and i’ll shut up. beauty is rlly complicated. is it bad to value beauty? because that’s my whole life. I’m a really visual person. and beauty has always mattered a lot to me. like, with art and design and appearance. and sure it’s caused some issues, ya know, cuz vanity does that. but like, is it bad to care about beauty? and also, Edward Fella says that beauty is not in the eye of the beholder—it’s in the culture of the beholder. and I think that’s rlly fascinating.

phew. that was a lot. i’m just full of thoughts lately. college does that to you. ok. bye, kenzie. hope you enjoyed my post. text me when u read this. luv u. bye.

this. is what being a graphic design major is all about. mad photoshop skills here. who needs stem when you know how to put glasses on a llama ammiright?

project. create a comic about one of your earliest memories with graphic design. did I spell excellent right? ok yes I did.

in my scuba diving class on Monday, we learned that the most important rule in scuba diving is to never hold your breath, because if you do, your lungs will explode. that scared me to death. what if I forget to breathe? it’s never been an issue before, but now i’m terrified that i’ll forget to breathe. for the rest of class, I was so concerned about breathing that it stopped coming naturally, and I did that thing where you have to force yourself to breathe because you’re thinking about it and it stops being involuntary.

but this is so common for me. I don’t trust my body to do the instinctive things it was designed to do. I don’t trust my gut, or my stomach, or my lungs, or anything really. I think too much. I try to control too much.

struggling to find homeostasis right now.

sorry, chris, but it’s true 😛😛

I thought I no longer hated charcoal, but it turns out I was wrong. I still hate charcoal.

Wow. Nights like these are the worst. When it’s 2 am and you’re working in the dark with only one light source that’s shining on the objects you’re drawing. You’re alone and it’s quiet and you’ve got charcoal all over you and the floor. And you just sit and work and wonder if you’re going to get to sleep and if anyone else on the planet is thinking about you right now. And the answer is probably no because it’s 2 am where you live. So you try to talk to God, but he doesn’t seem to be around either. You just feel completely unseen in this little cave of yours. You start to question every life decision you’ve made and wonder if you’re ever going to fall in love or stop worrying about things. Sigh. I’m so tired.

this week I remembered that I really don’t know all that much about drawing. I mean when you tell people you’re an art major, they just assume you’re this master draw-er, and you hear it so much that you start to believe it. “I am a master draw-er.” <this is pretty much what i’ve been telling myself.

but the other day I drew a blind contour of someone’s face, which I haven’t done since eighth grade, and it looked like this:

lololol. anyway the point is I have so much to learn and re-learn. i’ve become lazy in the drawing sector. definitely not a master. even the masters were constantly learning, actually.

“ancora imparo” -Michelangelo

someday you will sit on your front porch and think to yourself, it all worked out; wow; this is really good. but until that day, you’re going to spend a lot of time worrying. you’re going to analyze and regret and second-guess and panic and try to force things to happen. you’re going to wonder and wonder and wonder if you are making the right decision and if God even cares. you’ll feel pressure to choose quickly but also wait for something better to come along. HOWWW??!!!!!?

how. are we supposed to make all of these decisions if we don’t know what the right ones are???? this is so…so frustrating. I just want to know already how it all works out. or at least get some direction. I mean I feel like i’m all on my own here, Lord. what about a lamp for my feet and asking for the ancient paths and all that? why don’t you ever make it obvious what you want people to do? or maybe you do? I mean I really don’t know.

all I know is that I really want to know that it all works out and that i’m not going to screw any of it up by making the wrong choice. can you promise me that? really can you?????

time management is a very difficult thing. but it’s OK. you know why????

well, folks, how do you eat an elephant???? huh? do you know???

let me tell you

ONE BITE AT A TIME.

ok say it with me now. c’mon,

one…bite…

just a little louder for me…

one…bite….

at a time!!!

ONE BITE AT A TIME!!!!

good job, folks!

so good!

ok let’s do this. we got this. one bite at a time. okay. we can do it. here we go. let’s go.

ok. i’m gonna do it.

chao.

ahhhh some wifi.

I have missed it.

I actually have nothing to say. i’ve just felt so disconnected for so long, ya know? it’s been like three days.

ummm. ok. what to say what to say?

i’m already tired. reading the syllabi online made me tired.

the thing that stresses me out about graphic design is that most of it gets thrown away. i mean I know it’s the same kind of thing if you’re a chef or something because people eat your work, but at least they pay attention to it first before they scarf it down. with graphic design, half the population doesn’t even notice it. and then it just gets tossed away. in college people hand me so many brochures and pamphlets for all this stuff, and I throw most of it away because it would be crazy for me to hoard all the little papers I get. I feel terrible about it. what’s the point of making something pretty if it’s just gonna end up in somebody’s scrap pile?

maybe I don’t mean any of what I just said. I think i’m just tired.

we. are. so blessed. we’re so blessed. how did i end up in this place with all this stuff and these opportunities and people and joy and so much joy and comfort and all of this? what am i not seeing here? i’m a lucky girl to get to go to school. that’s what we have to remember. when we’re complaining about stress and anxiety and a lack of sleep. we are sosososososo lucky.

anyway. another season is coming along and i don’t know how it’s gonna go or how i’m gonna handle it or what’s gonna happen. we shall see we shall see.

anyway. this is some expensive cat food that looks very pretty. i wonder if someday i will design a cat food label. who knows. i have a feeling i will end up with a cat someday. actually, the pet i really want is a bird. i’ve always wanted a bird. i just think they are so precious. and pretty. but cats are good too. if i do design a cat food label, i hope it is inspiring like this. of course, i guess all branding is supposed to inspire. that’s the point. that’s what makes people buy it. unless it is a necessity. but if it is something like luxury cat food, it has to have an element of inspiration. so people will invest in it. and so people like me who don’t even have cats will notice it, pause, and imagine how they will one day have a cat so they can buy cat food like this. these are the types of things you learn about in college. i am very very blessed.

HAPPY SUSHI WEDNESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂

(^just two older college girls making some jewelry ❤ ❤ ❤ )

Today my phone died and wouldn’t even charge. It was very annoying.

That’s the thing about technology: it doesn’t let you ignore it. If it’s broken, it just straight up stops working for you. And you have to deal with the problem and go all the way to the Apple store or the auto shop or wherever and get it fixed. I think that’s why I have so many issues with breaking things: I tend to ignore hazards. I cover up the problems with duct tape or makeup instead of stopping to figure out what’s causing the issues. I think a lot of people are like that.

But technology is a very technical thing. If your phone is broken, it does not try to lie to itself and pretend that it’s ok. It just spazzes out and forces you to pay attention to it, to open it up and put the wires back together or clean off the rust or reset the batteries. Maybe replace the SSD cards. I don’t know how phones work. You get the point.

But us—when we’re sleep-deprived or sick or depressed or addicted, we keep on functioning. We act like we’re all good to go and totally productive and unstoppable and whatnot. But really we’re broken and we’re misjudging things all the time.

It’s like all those tampon ads that say you can be unstoppable on your period. Pft. No you can’t. Periods suck. And sometimes you just want to accept that you feel like crap and need to skip leg day that week.

There are so many reasons why we pretend our problems don’t exist. And most of them have to do with pride and guilt and insecurity. They’re all related.

Turns out my phone just needed to be reset. Then it started working again.

This. Is wayayayay too many umbrellas for a single person. I have two more in my car. Where did I get all of these? I think a bunch of them were Christmas presents, actually. And I think I stole a few from people. I always forget to take one with me on days it’s supposed to rain. Lol.

I used a filter on this dumb photo. It’s called “Vivid.” It made the colors super bright and a little unbelievable, but also very happy.

In heaven, I hope my eyes see everything through a Vivid filter. I hope the colors are so bright they overwhelm me. Crazy high saturation, all the time. It will be so surreal. So unbelievable. UGH. And beautiful. I can only imagine. Sigh.

Sublime—that’s the word to describe it. I love that word. Sublime.

happy bday sir.

when you were in school, you worked your ass off. and mom said you were tired all the time, but I never noticed. I just remember a charismatic and smart guy who talked a lot. you seemed full of energy to me. and everyone loved you. we would usually order to-go on friday nights, and you and I would drive together to chilis to pick up the food. I learned so much from you in those car rides. i’m not even kidding. I remember one time, you told me about plasma: matter that wasn’t completely solid, liquid, or gas. I thought it was so cool—my first grade teacher had never spoken of such a thing! it blew my mind. I admired you so much. you were my hero.

you still are. and I admire you even more now, only for different reasons. that’s all I shall say for now. I love u. hbd. gnight.

I regret that I spent a lot of this summer wishing for it to end. it’s just been a weird season, ya know? there were a lot of good parts, too, though. I learned a lot. Or remembered a lot. Such as the following.

• Explain yourself to people.
• I am not an acrylic nails kind of girl. Ew.
• Ask questions.
• Pursue being an art teacher.
• Sitting is the new smoking.
• Organic food is best.
• There are many different kinds of soul mates.
• Usually when you are worried you are bothering someone, you are not actually bothering them.
• Chamomile tea does ~not~ give you energy. It does the opposite. Pft. Idiot.
• Keep running towards God and occasionally look around.
• Opposites attract.
• If you want to be empathetic, just keep your eyes open.
• People do not know what they need, and they rarely know what they want.
• You are not messing up as much as you think you are.
• The Lord will provide for you even when you don’t thank him for it.
• Design is about relationships. AWWWW that is so sweet ❤ ❤ ❤
• Continuous exposure to new info is important because it makes you a hip and cultured dude.
• You will never stop learning to draw.
• Must do more things and stop talking about them.
• When you laugh, you instinctively look at the person in the room you like the most.
• Love is not about compatibility. It’s a choice or something.
• You can only plan so much then you just gotta get in there and smack some paint down. 🙂
• Retail therapy only works sometimes. (however I still rlly want this dress. oh would you look at that now it’s on sale 😀 )
• Being bitter is kinda dumb.
• Smiling makes people like you.

Happy birthday, Sunshine.

Technically I am two hours late, so I hope it was a good one. And I am sorry about all the crap that has gone on lately. But I promise that you are about to learn so much about yourself. Some parts will be emotional and awkward, and sometimes you will do dumb things. But most of it will be very fun.

Goodnight dear.  < 3

…I actually don’t think u have the link to this blog. You might not see this for a very long time lol.

lolol. look at that scary person behind me.

kenzie’s actually not scary at all once you get to know her.

I deleted my instagram acct. which is a long story. so I suppose i’ll be posting more sweet photos here.

I want to take pictures to remember things again. like little souvenirs from life experiences. i’m tired of taking pics just to show off. i’m tired of working so hard to curate some profile that makes me look prettier and more talented than I actually am. the truth is…

the image does not define the self.

all of those profiles do not reflect our souls. appearance is a lie. it is a lie. it is always hiding something. Or misrepresenting something.

I love images. I use them a lot. and I am so glad that we have eyeballs and that beauty exists. i’m just saying that ever since Eve’s eyes were opened, we’ve been trying to hide ourselves.

^o snap that was good.

I want the paintings to be finished. I want this stupid season to end. I hate this feeling on incompleteness and uncertainty and fear and isolation. What the heck, God? Why won’t you fix this? What are you doing, Sir? Hello?

I haven’t finished a single painting this summer. I started a few and continued a few, but none of them are finished. So many layers—so many paintings painted over because the previous painting didn’t work out. It’s a whirlwind when you start over on top of an old painting. Da Vinci worked on the Mona Lisa for four years and never finished it. I wish I had that kind of time. Actually no that’s overwhelming. I want all of my paintings to be over by now. I just want them to be done. I want to know how they turn out, and I want to feel freaking comfortable again. I want to go back to the security of knowing that everyone has a place in the world and it is all going to be ok and change is not looming just around the corner. I hate this. We all do. I have it the easiest, actually. I get to escape and pretend that everything is great. How am I supposed to leave all of these unfinished paintings behind? What are they going to do when they are left here in the same condition they’ve been in since December? Actually no, they’re getting worse. They’re deteriorating.

I can’t just leave here and watch from afar as my paintings deteriorate and get kicked out of their house. I hate watching them go through this. Lord, why are  you doing this to them? Help them please. Please. Please make it stop. Haven’t we learned our lesson yet? Why won’t you let them thrive? I hate this waiting game. I don’t understand what you’re doing, or what we’re supposed to see. So would you please make it obvious?

My paintings’ lives are incomplete right now. It’s so so so so sad.

Amen.

SaveSave

Starbucks. 2015. Maybe it was Panera. It was after school, to be sure. Every Wednesday. Occasionally every other Wednesday. Wow I was so blessed. Anyway on that particular Wednesday, my lovely mentor sat across from me, probably wearing a scarf, probably some funky glasses. She was always stylish. Especially on those happy days when she was feeling well—she radiated when she spoke.

We were talking about making mistakes, and how they happen. And when mistakes happen—which they do frequently—sometimes all you can do is say “Oh well.” And then you gotta move on.

“Ohhhhhhh. Well.” Her voice: loud and authoritative, drawing out each word. Her hands beating the table at every syllable.

For the next few weeks—months—maybe a year or so—when I screwed up, when I did something stupid, embarrasing, regretful, I pictured the words OH WELL in big letters floating in the air in front of me. Like balloons but more cartoon-like.

OH WELL.

And then I moved on.

My gosh it was so therapeutic. All of those self-help books and sermons about grace hardly worked for me. But seeing those hefty balloons in the sky fixed all of my worries. It’s like they just lifted my shame up, up, and away and out of my head.

And then, over time, I forgot about those words. And I really haven’t said them in years. And omg I have struggled. I am so freaking hard on myself. There have been so many regrets. So many mean notes.

So many nights of wishing I had said something different, or done something else, or not done some other thing. Of wishing I were a different person. Someone cooler and better at math and less boring and more confident.

What would I do without my mother.

Today my mother said this, among other things:

“Once you start to love yourself, you’d be surprised at how your social relationships start to flourish.”

And somewhere along her lengthy spiel I remembered what Anne had taught me, way back in 2015 when I was still a coffee virgin.

Oh well.

Oh well.

OH-to-the-freakin-DOUBLE-YOU-EEE-EL-El.

So I will be doing that giant floating words thing again. It’s not weird at all and it’s completely psychologist-recommended. Gotta move on from mistakes, accidents, embarrassing occurrences. On Tuesday I tripped on a set of stairs right in front of the entrance to a building. The walls were made of windows.

Oh well.

i swore to myself that this blog would never become some sappy, girly, Christian soap box. but whatever. oh well. ok moving on now.

Saturday night design sesh. I’m thinking about tomorrow morning. The thousands of people sleeping in their beds, resting before the chaos that awaits them when they walk inside those church doors. I’m talking about the pastors, the workers, the volunteers. The people who work their asses off to put on a show and make people happy, so that they come back and give more money the next week. Sunday mornings were never about God for me.

They were about smiling and being charming and doing a good job. And small talk and head nods and pretty clothes. It was such an event. It was so exhausting. I mean I loved it, at the time. That feeling of self-satisfaction during lunch when I felt like I had done a good job. I don’t know why I thought it was so great. I don’t know why I tried so hard. I do not know which parts were real.

Which parts were real? Did all of those people actually care how my week had gone? Were they really praying for me? Maybe they just liked the fact that I entertained their kids for an hour. Or that my dad said nice things that made them feel good. I know I didn’t care. And I sure wasn’t praying for them.

Was the Holy Spirit really at work within me? Maybe I was I just trying very hard to impress people. Did I mean a word I said?

At one point in Harry Potter, Voldemort gains power and the entire resistance order must go into hiding. Harry and the rest of the Order of the Phoenix are barely in contact with one another. Their only form of connection is a radio station that speaks in code and plays uplifting music. As Harry is out finding horcruxes, he clings to that station as his only source of hope. That radio station is where he finds the encouragement to keep fighting. It keeps him focused and gives him strength.

The church should be like that. The church should be like the Order of the Phoenix’s radio station. The place you go when you are desperate—like you always are—to be encouraged by the people fighting the exact same fight as you. This battle is so much more important than small talk and pretty clothes would lead you to believe. Christianity is so much heavier than I ever felt when I was at church. It is not comfortable. It’s dangerous and scary and bold.

And it is very, very. Very. Real.

It has recently been brought to my attention that 67 percent of my posts have depressing titles and feature depressing information. After re-examining my blog, I can confirm this. Oh my gosh! I am so negative. In truth, I didn’t even realize it. This is awful.

It’s not like good things don’t happen all the time. I just never notice them or share them or thank the Lord for them. So I’m gonna start opening my eyes. And acknowledging the good. Less ranting and melodrama. More celebration. (but still a good dose of ranting and melodrama)

YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!! WAHOOOO!!!!! CELEBRATE!!!! YEA!

Good things:

• I met a man during jury duty who had once lived in New Mexico. He said, and I quote: “The desert has its own sort of beauty.” Yes! Wahoo. I love that.
• I discovered I love to paint fish.
• I recently learned how to make a gif on photoshop. So cool.
• It is the fOURTH of July. Yay. Fireworks.
• Ummmm. What else what else?

^This is really hard. I think it’s because sharing things that you are really, actually, sincerely excited or passionate about takes an extra level of vulnerability. It’s so much easier to just list off your problems than to open up your heart and talk about the things that matter most to you. Many times those things are people. Or movements, or organizations. And it is incredibly vulnerable to admit that those things matter to you. So much risk is involved—rejection, loss, embarrassment, shame, humiliation, failure, exposure.

Sharing good news is just so vulnerable. Good news…omg. The Gospel. Sharing the Gospel is hard because it puts us in a vulnerable position, possibly humiliating. The Gospel is the greatest, most joyful, celebratory news to ever exist, and somehow, that is why we are terrified to share it. It makes us feel straight up naked. Our fear of rejection paralyzes us.

At least, it paralyzes me.

This post has been slightly melodramatic. But I feel like I’m concluding with some really good stuff here. Lots of epiphanies. Lots to think about.

Lots to CELEBRATE.

Photo by Pineapple Supply Co. on Pexels.com

I didn’t know WordPress has access to free stock photos. This lil guy is so cute.

today i found out i’m in the top 5.46% of richest people on the planet. i mean i’ve always known that i live in a wealthy country and whatnot and that my parents have a very desirable quality of life, but the fact that someone like me—young, insignificant me who has no useful skills and a student-level job and can barely afford to pay rent—I currently make more money than ~95% of the world…that was a smack in the brain.

i’m a child. i don’t deserve to be this comfortable. I don’t work hard—I make art. ART. are u kidding me. and yet if I keep up in this system and follow the track i’m on, I will end up being in the top 1% likely by the time i’m 30. making ART for crying out loud. art is so minuscule. it’s a product of self-actualization, which only comes after all of ur other basic human needs are met. it’s like icing on a cake. and icing makes you fat—it’s so unnecessary. so like…what do I do about this? I know guilt isn’t the answer, but i’ve gotta take some action about it. especially since I grew up here and did absolutely nothing to deserve it.

I think that’s why I struggle so much with being an artist. I feel like since I’ve had such a comfortable life, I need to repay God or whatever by becoming a doctor or something. an “i’ve been blessed to bless others” sort of deal. and art…I mean, art is useless! ugh. and I don’t know if i’m just feeling some worthless guilt or if this is actually conviction. I feel uneasy, like, I can’t just grow up and settle in a happy house and be comfortable and happy for the rest of my life when there’s a whole spiritual battle going on out there and Jesus said to give up everything and follow him. it’s like life isn’t supposed to be as easy as it has been for me. and, as much as I want to settle and grow old in New Mexico and sit on my front porch with my grandkids painting cacti, that also seems like such a selfish way to spend my life. and I know my life isn’t worth much. it’s one out of a trillion. but I feel like just hiding out and being safe and happy forever is…wrong.

there’s so much I just straight up don’t know. I don’t even know what I don’t know.

but. I suppose I can start. by giving up some of dat money that makes me so wealthy. stop buying extra clothes. start giving to the causes I claim to care about. that’s a pretty basic way to get my head in the right place. okay yea. that’s a good plan. it’s a very good step. ok. sounds good.

night.

It’s been an eventful week. Let me start backwards.

Today. I skipped work to do some graphic design for a book. But instead I ended up spending five hours at the mall. I woke up with an urge to get out of my house and spend money on new stuff that would make me look pretty. So I spent about three hours getting out of bed and deciding how to style my hair. Then I trekked to the mall, and I went inside every single women’s apparel store. And as I was trying on all these pretty dresses and looking through the racks, I actually felt annoyed. Like, I don’t need any of this crap and I’m wasting my money and I could be making more money right now if I had just gone to work. And why am I looking to buy more pants if I hate pants to begin with??? All pants suck, not just the ones I currently own. Fast fashion is a biyatch, and here I am supporting it. But behold! Another store. Well I’d better look through it in case it sells grey, long-sleeved rompers like the one I saw on Pinterest.

I never found a grey, long-sleeved romper. Every romper I saw had either spaghetti straps or a super deep v-neck, which I don’t understand because I don’t know many girls who could pull off either of those features. Anyway, I came to realize today that clothes cannot make me happy. And that I don’t need retail therapy; I’m just stalling. Because I am work-paralyzed. I keep putting off doing my art commissions and going back to my job and finishing my crochet blanket and my paintings. I keep putting off cleaning the bathroom and finishing books and praying to the Lord. I just won’t do any of it. Maybe I’m lazy. No that’s a lie. I’m scared. Yep I’m scared. And perhaps slightly lazy.

Yesterday. I had jury duty. It lasted from 8 am to 5:30. That’s all I’m going to say about that. Actually one more thing: I should have brought a book or a magazine or something. Good grief.

The Day Before Yesterday, Anteayer. I went to Athens to finish painting some murals in my church. Which was fun. I painted a few fish that looked amazing. Then I got excited about how talented I was, and then I tried to paint something else and it sucked. That’s art for you.

Those are puzzle pieces in case you could not tell.

Working with my friend Rosie on these walls has helped me realize that in every area I am weak there is someone passionate and talented who would love to help. You just gotta reach out. Because those connections are where the bridges are built and the work gets better and the histories get made.

The Day before the Day before Yesterday, Sunday. My papa and I visited a Greek Orthodox church, and the liturgy was beautiful. So much history and depth and meaning and art and symbolism and ancientness.

Saturday. Um. I don’t remember what happened. I’m pretty sure nothing happened at all.

Friday. I was also in Athens. Doing more painting.

Thursday. Um. I believe also a normal day. That was a while ago. One thing I do remember: I missed an opportunity. Lots of regret there.

In Conclusion…

The shopping, the running, the walking, the trial, the pretty fish, the beautiful dresses, the wavy hair, the phone calls, the FaceTimes, the cafe work sessions, the late nights, the woodworkings, the performances, the job reports, the drives…I think it’s finally eased up my paralysis. I think I’m ready to do work again. To stop avoiding things. I think. I hope. No…YES! I’m ready. I am ready. Really ready. Yes I am. I’m gonna get started. Here I go. Wish me luck. Ok see ya. Bye.

my computer wigged out a little bit today while on Illustrator. and it created a cool piece of art here. i’m a little concerned about me ole laptop’s health. but this digital wacko creation was nice.

Um. I do not remember taking these pictures. That is me in the bald cap and lumberjack shirt. And above me is my redneck father. I am just kidding. My father is not really a redneck. Or at least, he does not usually dress like that. And those are not his real teeth.

Furthermore, I am not really bald. So you do not have to worry about that. I do have hair.

Glory glory halleligujah. I have hair.

I do not know how to spell haleliugja. And my spelling is too off for the computer to autocorrect it.

Hallelujah. YES. THERE WE GO.

Ok. I am done.

This summer feels like a conversation with that talking dog from the movie Up.

What I mean by that is that it’s taking forever, but nothing is actually getting done. Lots going on, but the important stuff that needs to happen isn’t happening. I keep getting sidetracked by squirrels. Progress is at a big ole halt. Big, significant things are on the horizon. But right now, all these minor, petty things keep taking up all the time. I’m tired of dealing with the little things. I just want to get to the big things already. Part of it is my fault. And part of it is the fault of time.

Geez.

Tryna sort through my files cuz my hard drive is full. So today I came across this lil guy.

Oh my goodness. Look at those eyeballs.

For a few years I’ve been keeping a note in Evernote of bomb quotes. I’d forgotten about it for a while. But today I found it.

• “You can’t destroy power. All you can do is make sure it’s in the right hands” –Ant Man
• “Laugh more. It’s good for your life” –Dr. Ho, high school calc teacher
• “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” –a sign in Asheville, TN
• “That was…very disturbing. Go see a counselor.” –Ms. Darbus, High School Musical
• “Those aren’t heros, they’re idols.” (He was taking about celebrities) –Memorial Day speech
• “Cake—it’s poison but it’s good. Let me have it.” –Dr. Ho
• “If my dog were as ugly as you, I’d shave his butt and tell him to walk backwards.” –Ham Porter, The Sandlot
• We aren’t defined by what happens to us; we are defined by how we react to what happens to us.” –The Good Witch
• “If you don’t like it here, why don’t you go stand in line for toilet paper in the U.S.S.R.” –Gilmore Girls
• “Call me a princess, but I like to be asked out in person.” –Bride, wedding video
• “Vulnerable people are powerful people.” –Amy Poehler
• “Whatever exists in the universe, whether in essence, in act, or in imagination, the painter has first in his mind and then in his hands.” –Leonardo da Vinci
• “The only thing is to see.” –Auguste Rodin, sculptor
• “When people show their true colors, don’t get mad; paint a beautiful mural of life lessons and keep marching forward.” –Alex Elle
• “The Old Testament is a massive book of failures.” –Justin, RUF
• “I’ve had it with you and your emotional constipation!” –Tantor, Tarzan
• “Honor your wife and shut up.” –???, probably Mom
• “You’ve done nothing when you’ve bested a fool.” –True Grit
• “It’s like they read Eat, Pray, Love and just ran with it.” –Ghostbusters (the good one with women)
• “You aren’t doing it wrong if no one knows what you are doing.” –Office of the Registrar desk poster
• “Great artists put salt on watermelons.” –Prof Harry
• “Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism’s in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, “I don’t believe in Beatles, I just believe in me.” Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus. I’d still have to bum rides off people” –Ferris Bueller
• “I was spared any physical evidence of what happened to me and in turn was left with an intangible sense of violation to wrap my head around.” –Madelyn Parsons (on being raped), Verily Article
• “You spend time with people who don’t do something, and you start feeling like you can’t do it.” –Jake Stone, The Librarians
• “Because, you know, at the end of the day, there’s a big difference between image and identity.” –Jenkins, The Librarians
• “Because when I read, I don’t really read; I pop a beautiful sentence into my mouth an suck it like a fruit drop, or I sip it like a liqueur until the thought dissolves in me like alcohol, infusing brain and heart and coursing on through the veins to the root of each blood vessel.” –Bohumil Hrabal
• “Kindness is free.” –Michael Landon, Highway to Heaven (first episode)
• “Why do people care more about animals than they do old people?” –Highway to Heaven (second episode)
• “[i]n my head, the guy who’d rather laugh than control things is going to be the one who has the happier life” –Steve Wozniak
• “I started to realize that maybe Thomas Edison did a lot more to impact the world than Karl Marx and Neem Kairolie Baba put together.” –Jobs or Wozniak (?)
• “I looked up the answer to the essay.” –Kenzie

I have a thousand more written in my journal. But these are rlly good.

Favorite right now:

“Why do people care more about animals than they do old people?” –Highway to Heaven (second episode)

The chicken painting above is a piece I made a while ago when I was going through a chicken phase. I still think there was a deep psychological reason for it, and I still haven’t completely deciphered what that was. But I had a serious chicken phase in my artistic journey for a season, and now I miss it. I don’t think I ever got this piece back, which sucks. It’s actually a 3D clay sculpture that I painted all over with rain clouds and chickens. It was so cool. I want it back. I haven’t thought about it for a while but now I miss it terribly.

Life update.

Truly I’m not sure how to start this. I haven’t had much time to think about where I’m at in life right now. I feel like I’m just going through things and not stopping to think about them. It’s not exactly because I’m super busy. I mean sure I’ve been occupied with things. But at the end of the day when I’ve got time to spare, I’ve just been wasting it. Wasting my time staring at screens and mirrors, mostly.

Social media is a biyatch, and I’m just too weak to manage it. It’s managing me, for real. It’s like a horrible boyfriend I don’t even enjoy being with but I keep dating for some stupid, incomprehensible reason. And I have to end it. I have to clear my head and get my mindfulness back. So. I’ve re-deleted my Facebook account. And I’ve locked myself out of Instagram… I closed my eyes, typed some random letters, and clicked “change password.” Then I entered Kenzie’s email address into my contact info. The only way I can log back in is if she resets my password, and I know I can trust Kenz to keep me sober, no matter how much I beg. I would have deleted my account, but it’s linked to my portfolio and resume and all that crap, and the relationship between artists and Insta is annoying but maybe necessary and I hate it but I don’t know what to do.

So grateful for Kenzie. She’s my rock. The sanest person I know. Got a great head on her shoulders. And I know I can go to her to keep my own straight.

Going to focus these next two months on getting back to the two most important things in the world. Loving God. And loving others. Gotta stop being such a narcissist. It’s not good. It’s really, really not good.

I’ve only almost fainted once. It was at the allergy doctor during a test. The nurses had put traces of tree nuts on my forearm and into my bloodstream and then left me in the office for a few minutes to see how badly I would react to them. I hadn’t eaten much that day, or the previous few months. And watching a stranger poke the one thing that could kill me into my veins had set me on edge. Waiting for fifteen minutes as the rashes became bigger and bigger was driving my imagination crazy. Eventually rationality left me. I became convinced that my body was too weak to handle even the tiny nut traces that the nurses had injected into me and I was going to go into anaphylactic shock and die. I asked my mom for some water and then told her my ears were ringing and everything was getting blurry. She yelled for the nurses and the ringing grew louder. Bright, blurry forms of concerned women stood over me. I knew what was happening, and I was so ready for it. Yes, let me pass out. Let me lose consciousness for a while. Let my life be these women’s problem. They’ll take care of me. 

And suddenly, a glowing old man was above me. He seemed irritated.

“What are you doing? Cut it out,” he said. “Stop that.”

And immediately, reluctantly, I stopped.

I obeyed that guy like a freaking solider. Now conscious, I stared at him in awe.

I’ll never forget that moment when the doctor entered my shiny vision in all his towering glory and commanded me to wake up. It wast the rudest, most profound act of compassion I have ever experienced.

There are so many things I could say about this moment. But it’s late and I’m tired of writing, so for now I’ll say this:

I wanted to escape, but this man wouldn’t let me.

Being the bad guy doesn’t make you a bad guy. Sometimes it makes you the good guy, the hero.

Nothing is black and white.

I’m a bad judge of…everything.

God knows better.

the hardest part about making stuff is starting. I feel so creatively dead right now. like i’m not working hard enough to be a better artist. to improve my skills. so I also feel guilty. idk why. i’m just having a horrible time starting right now. I just don’t want to. like, I dread it. I love it, but I dread it. what is my deal? I have all this desire to learn and read and draw and become better, but I just won’t do it. what is wrong with me????????? i’m so ashamed. and the comparison game is a biyatch. I feel like other people work harder than I do. i’m not working hard enough. i’m not driven enough. I need to read more books. draw more. work work work. but instead i’m just sitting here paralyzed. I think i’m afraid. I really do. afraid and slightly disillusioned. and also lazy. all of those things.

this pic ^ this is how I feel right now. so much going on. so many wires and pieces and materials and potential to make stuff. yet i’m not even working. lol actually when I first chose this pic it was just random. but this metaphor is working out ok.

hey. sup. you know, I have learned so freaking much this past year. seriously. this entire year has been the biggest time of learning and growing and changing of my life. it’s been like really good. sometimes hard. sometimes fun. sometimes like straight-up confusing. but really really really good.

when the summer of 2017 began, I had no idea that the year ahead would be like this. I cannot explain everything I’ve learned and all the ways I’ve changed. nor would I ever post it on the freaking interweb lol. so instead i’ll just make a list of everything I have lost or broken in the past twelve months.

here goes:

• earphones
• my roommate’s plant
• phone
• laptop
• car (that was a doozy)
• library book
• earphones (again)
• flash drive
• key to workplace
• water bottle
• phone charger
• my dignity
• kenzie’s dignity
• my favorite mechanical pencil (the freaking irony)
• metal ruler
• x-acto knife
• omg I lost my phone and had to pick it up at the police station. lol I almost forgot about that

well that was therapeutic.

but u know, i’ve learned to be totes cool with making mistakes this year. ya just gotta accept them and move on. i’m not saying that it hasn’t costed me a heck of a lotta of money but I just mean i’ve learned to not be so hard on myself. humans are morons. we are selfish and stupid people. and we don’t have to pretend that we’re not or hate ourselves when we are. that’s called freaking virtue signaling and it’s dumb. life is messy and so is ministry and what matters to the good Lord isn’t whether or not you watched some sketch shows or dated the wrong guy or drank a lil. what matters is that you had friends who weren’t self-righteous, sheltered ninnies your whole life. your heart—that’s what matters. man looks at the outward appearance, but Dios looks at the heart. God is going to let you make mistakes even when your intentions are good. and I find that fascinating and soooooooooooooo relieving.

messiness is ok, ya know? guilt is not a virtue. it’s a tactic used by the devil to make you kill yourself. so stop with the feeling guilty already. unless you like actually are guilty or you need to feel guilty or you know what i’m done with this use your own discernment and figure out what I mean.

chao.

p.s. ok i’m just gonna repeat something really profound I wrote in here to let it sink in for personal reasons: God is going to let you make mistakes even when your intentions are good. 

^damn that’s some good stuff. hmm. interesting. k chao like for real now.